Disclaimer not mine. I don't own Spooks. This is just a short fluffier story to cheer me up after I wrote the latest chapter of Fair Trade? That isn't finished by the way! Set after Ruth's argument with Harry on the bridge after her return in series 8.

Status?

Ruth closed her eyes and sighed. She leant against the bridge she knew so well. The early spring sunshine warmed her but nothing really seemed to calm her anger any more. She shook her head as she gave up on trying to rationalise her thoughts. Once again her life had been turned upside down by MI-5. By Harry Pearce. The only man she had ever really loved. Instead of being on the island she had begun to try to think of as home she was in London. London. Home. No, Exeter was home. Wasn't it? She shook her head as she got even angier with herself. Even though she was no longer an analyst she still couldn't get out of that mindset. Everything was analysed. She tutted as a commuter pushed past her. Yes, she was back in London. No one had any time for anything or anyone. It was the she felt a hand on the small of her back.

"Ruth, I am well aware of our status." Harry was still just as angry and frustrated as he had been when she had stormed off and left him.

"Harry."

"No Ruth. You had your say. Can't I at least have mine?"

"Harry, I told you. I told you before we went to Iraq this was going to come back to haunt us. Did you listen? No."

"And George died because of me. I know that." Harry almost hissed the words out. Ruth stopped walking and turned to him.

"You think I blame you for George being killed. You think I blame you for Nico being taken from me." She held his gaze. There was no way she could look away from him. Even after all these years. She still couldn't look away. She was lost. Ruth inwardly cursed herself for letting Harry have this affect on her. She remembered the way Jo had caught them years earlier in the corridor of Thames House. Neither had been able to look away then either, not until the young blonde had broken the spell. There was something about Harry's eyes. It was the Havensworth look but tinged with anger. She waited as Harry composed himself and an elderly woman passed them clanking her shopping trolley.

"No Ruth." He paused. "I don't think you blame me for ruining your life. I know you do."

"How can you say that? It's been almost three years."

"In that room. When we were in there with Mani. You said. You asked me." Harry looked away for a moment as Ruth frowned. "You asked me if I had ever felt anything for you."

"I know." Ruth paused.

"You said if. IF"

"Harry, it wasn't exactly the best time to be discussing a relationship that never really had a chance." Ruth wanted to run. To be anywhere but there. She was a different person now. Harder, less nervous of the world around her but just as terrified of it. Of herself and how she felt. She knew three years ago she never would have been able to have the conversation she was having now. She smiled slightly and shook her head, she wasn't really sure she could have it now.

"You never gave us a chance." Harry seemed resigned.

"Harry."

"I know. I know I'm being callous." He stepped back. "But as I said. You know my limitations better than anyone. I am trying Ruth."

"Very trying." Ruth answered. But her lips twitched into a smile as she spoke. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I wanted to say this on the bridge. Before you flounced off."

"Harry. I do not flounce." Ruth met his gaze again.

"Yes. Right. Well." Harry was lost as she met his gaze. The anger and recriminations from earlier were gone. Harry felt the grip around his heart lesson. Ruth was still Ruth. She hadn't hardened completely. Not yet.

"Go on Harry. Say what you wanted to say." She felt him usher her towards a bench. It wasn't their bench but it would do.

"You said if I had ever had any feelings for you. I assume you meant before you left." He swallowed hard. Ruth sat on the bench as he followed her. He sat a little further away from her than was necessary as the wind picked up and blew her hair across her face.

"Yes. Harry." Ruth looked at her hands. "I think that was what I meant. I thought he was going to kill Nico. I was using every trick in the book to stop him. Emotional blackmail, playing for time. Everything bar physically kill the man."

"I know. I was doing the same thing."

"What?" Ruth's eyes snapped to his.

"I wouldn't tell him where the uranium was. I couldn't. I had no idea how close by Ros and Lucas were. They thought I had been murdered." Harry paused. "But I couldn't let him kill a child. I am not the complete bastard you think I am." Harry paused. "Whatever you think of me now. I just wanted to say that. I honestly thought if we got out of there you and George would go back to Cyprus. Even though that would have killed me, it would have been better than knowing how much you hate me." He swallowed hard as he watched her eyes fill with tears. "I would rather have watched you go back to Cyprus with George and the boy."

"Nico"

"Yes, Nico. I'd have rather you go back with them and think of me fondly occasionally rather than have you here hating me. Hating the man I have become. If I could turn back the clock." Harry looked away as he sniffed. He would not cry in front of Ruth. He had said what he had came to say. It was time to go. Ros would be waiting for him to meet the Home Secretary. She didn't trust Nick Blake and he wasn't sure if she was right to mistrust him. It was then he felt Ruth's hand on his own.

"I don't hate you." Ruth spoke calmly. Harry's eyes snapped backed to hers. "I never could Harry. That's why this is so awful."

"Not hating me is awful?" Harry smiled slightly as Ruth rolled her eyes.

"I miss Nico. I really do but his father is dead because I lied. I never told them who I was. Who I am really." She blinked back the tears. "And the truth is."

"The truth is what?" Harry daren't move. Her hand was still resting on his.

"Harry, the truth is I hate myself. What I've become, not who you are." Ruth closed her eyes as she felt Harry move slightly nearer. It was almost as if he was terrified she may vanish once more.

"Ruth."

"I'm in limbo. I don't even have my own name anymore. Zaf got me an alias. Did he ever tell you?"

"No." Harry met her eyes. "I told him it was safer for you if I didn't know."

She nodded.

"My name as far as the rest of the world are concerned is Elizabeth Ruth Pearce. I'm a 43 year old widow. That explains the wedding ring. It also explains why you thought George and I were married. I never really got used to being called Elizabeth, it's my mum's name. So I settled on telling people I used my middle name. I think Malcolm was surprised Nico called me Ruth."

"You have my surname." Harry couldn't understand why that seemed important to him but it did. He knew it had been Zaf's romantic side coming out when he had cobbled together Ruth's legend all those years ago.

"Is that all I have Harry?"

"No Ruth." He stood up at the same time she did. "No Ruth, it's not all."

"Harry, I need time. And for the record. I never hated you." She smiled as he blushed slightly. "I want to come back. I really do. I just need time."

Harry nodded. He suddenly felt like he had all the time in the world.

A/N Ok not that fluffy, but it was only intended as a filler between the bridge scene in 8.2 and my story One Night Only. Please review. Back to Fair Trade? Soon.