AN: You know me. Couldn't leave that last episode alone, plus this provided a great excuse to put off trying to slog through the latest chapter of Living with the Decision I'm trying to write (and then rewrite, and then rewrite again) and finish. I'm all about procrastination. Just some thoughts on what we saw.
(AN 2: Squeeeeeeeeeee!)
Spoilers for the eppy Key Move, so if you haven't seen it, you might want to turn back now.
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He didn't say it back.
He left, to possibly never return again, and he didn't say it back.
She had told him she loved him. Perhaps he was under the impression it was something that just rolled off her tongue with her suitors, that maybe it didn't mean as much as it did. She couldn't remember the last time she had told someone she loved them. Was in love with him. Sean, maybe, but she didn't think she had ever told him how she felt about him. She had been ready to confess it, get the key from Nick, and present it to Sean with a declaration of how she felt, the key proof, but Nick had blown all that apart when he had taken her powers from her, and then Sean had shown her how invested he had been in the relationship and dumped her in the cruelest way possible. After that she kept any sentimental declarations buttoned up.
She looked at Kelly, babbling and cooing in his crib, unaware he may have seen his father for the last time in his young life and she couldn't imagine trying to explain to her son about Nick. Who he was, and who he was to her, and to them.
She had kissed him and made love to him and in general, made of a fool of herself, she thought.
They had slept together, the first time where it was obvious what they were doing and who they were doing it with. He had gone along with it willingly enough, no convincing needed, his mouth and hands as eager to touch and taste and explore as hers. He had seemed okay the next morning, when the light of day was shining on what they had done. She had awoken curled against his side, his fingers trailing along her arms, and they had talked a little about what had transpired between them, and she thought he had seemed okay with it all.
But now...
He was a little distracted maybe, she thought, as she reflected back on his behavior. Maybe he was just thinking about the keys and the map, and his impending trip. Distant, perhaps? She had watched him pack, say his goodbyes to Kelly. Heard his sweet comment that her son would have to take care of his mommy while Nick was gone. Had bent over Kelly's cradle and placed a kiss against his son's tummy and then he had embraced her before he had left. No comforting words, that he would be okay, things would be fine. That he would miss her. That he loved her, too.
No goodbye kiss for her, either, just a lingering look as he stepped onto the elevator. No words at all spoken between them and she had felt left out in the wind, disjointed, wondering what he was thinking and if he regretted what had happened between them.
She couldn't help going over everything that had transpired between them, the last few months, last night, the last few years.
She hadn't regretted the impulsiveness that had led her to take the reins of their relationship and kick it into overdrive, tired of the hesitancy that had dogged it since before she had kissed him the first time, but now she was wondering if it was too much too soon.
He was impulsive, too, she had seen, driven by his emotions, but he had been methodical, cautious and careful since they had been living together, taking his role as provider and protector of their little family seriously.
Maybe he just didn't feel the same, she thought, and she was going to have to reconcile herself to that fact. He might like her, he might be attracted to her, but his feelings didn't run as deep. He had loved Juliette, had had to come to terms with the demise of that relationship and what she was now, and maybe he still held out hope something could be made there, without having to saddle himself to the woman who had gotten pregnant with his child.
She felt foolish now. She shouldn't have put herself out there like that. It was too much too soon for them, though it felt like they couldn't possibly drag it on any longer without acting on their feelings, or at least she had felt like that. He had been the one after they kissed the first time to suggest they hold off on anything further until things had calmed down in their lives.
Now she wondered if maybe that had been his way of letting her down gently. His life would never be calm. He was a Grimm, and he was unable to deny or ignore that part of him that constantly put him into the path of danger.
But then why would he sleep with her? Was he really just like every other guy she had known? She was a warm and willing body to them, why refuse? She had thought he was better than that, had more class and character, but maybe, when it all boiled down to it, he was just like any other heterosexual male when offered a chance for sex with a woman who all but threw herself at him.
She heaved a deep sigh and tickled Kelly's tummy, eliciting a smile and she managed a poor imitation of one in return.
He hadn't called, yet, either. His flight had landed an hour ago, she calculated. Perhaps they were still sorting through collecting their bags and their rental car and getting on their way. Maybe he wasn't going to call with Monroe beside them; might wait until a moment alone when he could speak privately, and wasn't she just pathetic? She supposed if she sat here long enough she could imagine all sorts of excuses for him that buoyed her spirits.
Maybe he didn't care at all. His main focus was the keys and finding what they unlocked. Likely she wasn't a thought in his head, and she swallowed a lump of emotion that lodged in her throat.
She wished, if nothing else, that he had kissed her goodbye, and wondered what they would do, how they would be when he got back.
She had fucked something up, she suspected, as usual, and there was no going back from it.
She bent her head and allowed the tears to escape. She would have to be okay when Rosalee came over, soldier on like nothing incredible had happened between them, but for now, she could allow herself this moment to feel. She was in love with Nick Burkhardt, the Grimm, and likely the depth of feeling was one-sided.
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He couldn't help thinking he had made a grave error somewhere by sleeping with her. It was a mistake. Had to be. Except it didn't feel like one, but he could only imagine that was the sex buzz speaking. It had been good, no doubt, but it was wrong. Right?
Definitely. He kept replaying their sordid history in his mind, looking back on all that they had been to each other, how she had been when he had first met and known her, to what they were now. She was so different now, and he had allowed himself to get sucked in by her charm. She was sweet, and brilliant, and funny, and warm, and now he was afraid they had irreparably stepped beyond some point in their relationship where they could comfortably maintain the roommates-raising-a-baby-together status quo.
She was right. There was nothing safe about them.
She was dangerous, he needed to remember that.
He was dangerous, too, and never more so than when she was near.
Together…
They were highly combustible. Had proven that time and time again in their lengthy history. Sleeping with her…
You couldn't go back from what they had done. Not without a lot of hurt feelings and confusion and disappointment. Problem was, he got the sinking suspicion it wasn't just her that would be disappointed if they pulled back. There was a part of him that wanted to keep pushing forward. The dangerous part of him. The impulsive part of him. The part of him that wanted to feel alive again. The part of him that lo—
He clamped down on that thought.
Are you in love with her ?
Maybe, he allowed. They had been together a long time now. Had seen a side of her he doubted many could lay claim to. She was the mother of his child, and a surprisingly good one.
Okay, probably. And that scared him more than anything. It was too fast, and too much, and at the same time not enough. They had been tiptoeing around it for months, and then a couple of months ago that kiss, and he felt something had shifted even further, and then last night...he had been so ready to take it to the next level. Relieved she hadn't wanted to keep stepping around it, either.
Until the next morning when he had had time to wonder just what the hell did he think he was doing.
She was a hexenbiest. A suppressed one, yes, but a hexenbiest nonetheless. One day, probably soon, her powers would return and then what would she be like?
What would they be like?
Could he continue to live with her as such? He had found it initially unbearable to try to adjust to what Juliette had become, but then, Juliette had never given him the chance to try to make it work. Had expected him to either be okay with it immediately and when he hadn't been able to swallow that initially, didn't expect him to at all, and had ultimately driven him away from her.
Would it be any different with Adalind?
I'll be sure to cry at his funeral. She had been absolutely awful when she had had her powers. Had rarely seen anything likeable about her then, until perhaps after she had become pregnant with Kelly and had offered to test the suppressant herself. That had been one of the only times where he had seen some selflessness from her. And perhaps as a mother to Diana, there had been some real emotion and vulnerability there.
Would she be anything remotely like what she was now? The overwhelming change in personality from the hexenbiest he had known—and hated, he reminded himself—to the suppressed one he was now so fond of was astonishing, and Nick wasn't hopeful that should—when-she regained her powers he could continue to find the sweetness and charm in her.
And what about Kelly when that happened? She had asked him to not hate her anymore, and he thought, he could do that. Maybe. But could he love her? Especially if the suppressant wore off.
Yet he couldn't help thinking of her now, as she was last night in his arms, warm and soft and inviting, and he missed her suddenly, and told himself he was being ridiculous.
He had slept with her. It was too much to keep contained to himself, and if anyone was going to possibly understand, reserve judgment to himself, it was Monroe. And then Monroe had to go and voice exactly what he had been thinking.
If it stays that way.
Are you in love with her?
Yes, okay? Yes.
He just might be in love with her, and now it had probably gone too far for him to ever go back. One, or both, were going to wind up hurt. He hoped Kelly wasn't put in the middle of it, but given his parents' history of impulsive and destructive behavior, he would probably get hurt too. He didn't want her to move out, take their son with her and then have to come home every night to an empty loft. Their fome, as she called it. A rather depressing place to live, he could admit, without her or Kelly in it to brighten the atmosphere.
He hadn't even kissed her goodbye. Had been too disconcerted by the tidal wave of mixed feelings about what they had done, his anxiety about their past, and their future, and the trip ahead of him he still had to get through. And honestly, what more could he say or do after sleeping with her?
And if he had just made one hell of a mistake sleeping with her without reconciling everything he felt about her and what she had done to him before, a peck on the cheek wasn't going to help anything anyway.
He had had been okay with it, he thought, had made his peace about their history, but now realized he had been okay with in as much as it meant being okay with it and raising a child together with your once mortal enemy as one could possibly expect. There was a lot of shit they had had to push aside, and focus on Kelly, and doing what was best for him.
Sleeping together was not a good thing, as far as Kelly was involved. It complicated things. Even more than they were already complicated, and they were convoluted enough.
He hadn't responded to her declaration, either. I love you. She had wanted him to know how she felt about him, but he supposed he already did. Her feelings had been obvious for a while now, and he wondered if his were to her. Did she see the confusion and uncertainty, or was the adoration he sometimes felt for her more noticeable?
He supposed he should call her and let her know he had made it to Germany okay, but then wondered what good would it be if he didn't make it out of Germany okay.
He could text her. Avoid an awkward conversation on the phone and just send her a message. He landed. He was okay. He'd contact her sometime later. Kiss Kelly for him.
He had done neither, just grabbed their stuff and their rental car and headed out with Monroe.
He had listened to Monroe chatter on about anything and everything, all the while ruminating over Adalind until he couldn't contain the mess of thoughts in his head anymore and then just blurted it out, needing some perspective, or guidance, or a sounding board for the scrambled thoughts flying around in his mind.
It was out there now. Landed with a dull thud between Nick and Monroe, and instead of feeling better, or calmer, or more clear-headed, Nick felt more apprehensive than ever.
Because, yes, he was in love with her.
And it was going to hurt as much as it had with Juliette when it reached its inevitable conclusion and imploded.
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Love to hear feedback and your perspectives on this story and the eppy if you've seen it.