Did I Shave My Legs for This? by Luvscharlie
Warnings: kind of cracky, cross-dressing (in a non-sexual way), absurd humour, off-camera infidelity, adult language and lots of it
A/N: Originally written for bendleshnitz1 at the 2012 charlieficathon exchange on Live Journal who asked for humour and infidelity. Thanks to lunalovepotter for the beta work.
Ever since the House-Elves Release Act had gone into effect (fucking Granger), maids and housekeepers had become a common part of the Wizarding World. It was the only job most former Death Eaters could get at first, but then they'd starting nicking things and most of them had got sacked. Death Eaters went from ugly masques to sticky fingers.
The maid for Malfoy Manor arrived on Tuesday, and she was not what most people expected. Those little French maid uniforms that Muggles found so intriguing had certainly caught on with wizards, but the maid who arrived at Malfoy Manor was slightly taller than the average woman and extremely rotund. She wore a hand-me-down, hideous house dress, a large straw hat that covered most of her face in shadows and heels two inches high. She stumbled with every fourth step, and she pounded on the door when she arrived at half-ten in a way that sounded like she was going to take it down.
Astoria answered the door, gave the maid a look over and erupted in giggles. The maid pushed past her and flung off the hat to reveal a bright red-in-the-face Charlie Weasley. "Never the fuck again!" Charlie was attempting to rip off the hideous frock, which was a huge mistake. He should have gone for the heels first. He tilted, spun his arms for balance and landed flat on his bum. He ripped off one shoe and threw it across the room. The heel was hurled with such force that it punched a hole in the wall, and Astoria turned to him with a glare.
"Well, that should be fun to explain to my husband. There are prices to pay when you're fucking married women, you know? It's not as if I can always come out to meet you wherever you wish. I have an image to maintain."
Charlie glared right back. "I've fucked a fucking lot of married fucking women." He was breaking out in a sweat he was so angry. "But I've never had to wear a muumuu."
"A what?"
"How the fuck should I know? That's what the lady in the shop, who was just sure I was a cross-dresser, called it. I'm not sure if that's the name of the damn dress, or if she was calling me a cow. I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to be insulted regardless, though. I've decided to be offended on my behalf and the cow's just to be safe. And do you know what it's like to find heels in a size thirteen? How the bloody fuck do you birds walk in those torture devices?"
Despite trying to think up an excuse for the hole in the wall, Astoria couldn't hold back a giggle. "I can't believe you actually dressed like that. Have you never heard of a glamour?"
The look that passed over Charlie's face was even more humorous than his appearance (and that was no easy feat). He'd clearly forgotten all about the ability to glamour himself. "Well, fuck me," he said under his breath.
"Sadly, that won't be happening today," Astoria replied. "A real shame too. I've always wanted to sleep with a man in a dress."
Charlie cocked his head to the side, stood, and his eyes widened when he seemed to register what she'd said. "What the fuck are you talking about? I wore a dress. I braved the torture that is high heels. I shaved my legs! How the bloody fuck you birds ever make it around your knees is beyond me." He yanked up his dress for emphasis to display nicked knees and shapely calves with a small inked dragon on the right ankle. "And I wore pantyhose- By the way, I'm a size queen, and the novelty of that is notlost on me. What the fucking hell do you mean that's not happening today? It bloody well better be happening today."
Charlie had no more got the words out of his mouth, his volume being just an octave below that of a banshee, when a small voice drifted down the spiral staircase. "Mum, what's going on down there? There's an awful lot of yelling."
"It's nothing, darling. I'm just giving the maid instructions on how to polish the silver. She did an abysmal job last time and now she's being all snotty about it. Do you need anything, lamb?"
He barked out a small cough. "No thanks." There was a pause. "Well, Dad could bring home some ice cream, mint chocolate chip, you know, if he wanted. And gosh, Mum, I'm eleven. Don't call me lamb. It's embarrassing."
"It's October, he's supposed to be at school. Why's he home?" Charlie hissed.
"Dragon pox. The school's overrun. They've shut down for a week and sent all the students home. Apparently when the majority of the student body is green and spotty, it's not a conducive environment for learning."
"So get a nanny! You promised me sex." Charlie stomped his foot like a petulant child, and Astoria gave him a shove toward the door, only stopping to pick up his heels from the opposite side of the room.
"Don't make me hurl this at your head, Weasley. Get out. I have to take care of my baby. He's sick and he needs me. Your cock will wait."
"Did I mention that I shaved my legs?" Charlie asked, aghast.
"Why would you do that?"
"You don't wear hose with hairy legs." The look of incredulity that Charlie tossed her way clearly screamed, 'Do you know nothing? Honestly, you call yourself a woman.'
Astoria was two seconds from tossing him out on his ear, but it was the sound of little feet pattering down the hall that really got her moving. She shoved Charlie's heels in his arms, got behind him and gave him a violent shove towards the door. "Out," she hissed. "Move it. He'll see you."
As he was being shoved out the door, Charlie turned to her and looked over his shoulder. "I swear if it's not your husband, it's your kid. This is too much trouble. We're through! I'm going to start fucking someone who's less of a bother. Someone who's single."
Astoria paused, looked quickly back over her shoulder to make sure Scorpius hadn't yet reached the staircase and said, "And where would the challenge be in that, Charlie?" She kissed him quickly on the lips and punctuated the kiss with the slamming of the door. It was only his quick reflexes that saved his nose from being smushed.
"Mummy, who was that ugly woman you were kissing at the door?" Scorpius asked, screwing up his spotty nose into a snarl.
"Great Aunt Edna on your father's side, darling. I sent her away so she wouldn't catch the pox."
"Don't invite her for Christmas dinner, okay? If she kisses me, I'll hurl chunks."
Two weeks later at the Romanian Dragon Reserve…
Charlie was just finishing up for the day when Antonio, the new and exceptionally handsome keeper from Italy yelled his name. "Oi, Weasley!"
It had been a long day and Charlie was more than a little tired. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his cabin, lock the door, have a nice long wank beside the fire and then curl up for an even nicer and longer (preferably dreamless) sleep.
"What the fuck do you want?" Charlie yelled back.
"Don't be all swotty because the wench at the pub last night preferred to come home with me over you." Antonio was grinning in a way that made Charlie contemplate punching him a good one in the stomach.
"You wish."
"Hey, the bird had taste. It's not her fault you're as fun to be around these days as a nesting mother dragon." He grinned a sexy grin, which made Charlie really want to hit him. After all, hewas the handsome one of the Reserve. This new bloke was stealing his attention, and he didn't like it much. If he wanted to compete for the affections of females, he'd go home and take Bill out for a night of clubbing. Talk about wounded pride. Take Bill to the pub and watch the birds flock to him like flies to honey. It was disgusting really. But Charlie was the ladies' man of the Reserve… or at least he had been. He was going to have to do something about getting Antonio transferred to Wales or maybe Antarctica. There weren't any dragons in Antarctica, but he could build igloos or something.
"Earth to Weasley," Antonio said. "There's some ugly little man back at your cabin looking for you. Never seen him before." He gave a visible shudder. "Sure hope I never do again."
"Probably one of my brothers," Charlie said.
"Do any of your brothers look like a troll on a bad hair day?" Antonio asked, snarling his nose.
"Yeah, Bill, but the birds seem to like him anyway. Birds have no taste." Charlie started towards his cabin then stopped and looked back at Antonio. "You didn't see my mum with him, did you?"
"What's she look like?"
"She'd be the one hovering around him and straightening his clothes, just hoping for a chance to get her wand after his hair and give it a good trim… but she'd bring pie. Probably chocolate."
Antonio looked like he was beginning to salivate. "Boy, I haven't had chocolate pie since I can't remember when. Maybe I should go back to your cabin and make sure that's really your brother."
"Stay away from my pie!" Charlie gave a glare of warning and continued on to his cabin thinking of chocolate pie and treacle tart and all sorts of tasty things.
Unfortunately, it wasn't his mother, or even his troll-like, bird-pulling brother that was waiting for him. The little man was hunchbacked with a unkempt beard and ill-fitting clothes.
"May I help you?" Charlie asked.
"I can't get the fucking glamour off!" The man wailed, clearly distressed, his voice high and… feminine.
Charlie took a closer look and his eyes grew wide. "Astoria? Astoria, is that really you?"
The terrible looking little man began to tear up. "I was coming in disguise, you know, like you did- I was going to show you good and proper how a witch does disguises, but now I can't take the glamour off!" She looked at him beseechingly. "Help," she gulped.
Charlie crossed his arms. "I guess a muumuu's looking pretty good right now!"
She came at him, fists raised. "You help me this instant, Charlie Weasley!"
He caught her and held her off with little effort. "And if I don't?"
Even behind the glamour, Charlie recognised the look of evil determination Astoria sent in his direction. "I'll be having a discussion with your brothers about how you dress in heels and shave your legs when you work your side job of cleaning my mansion."
Charlie gulped. He'd not live that down for a long time, and the hair hadn't quite grown back in on his calves. "I'll get my wand."