LADIES & GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST:
I'm Wade Wilson, not the former Vikings QB who disappeared off the face of the Earth. I'm also known as Deadpool, not the Dirty Harry movie. My own big budget movie gave me some indecent exposure. For the two of you who didn't see it, I'll give you a brief origin story of my comic book persona. My entire buff body is super-scarred, a cancer cure side effect given by the lovely folk of Weapon X. So, I wear lots of clothes and mask my face. Many say my costume rips off Spider-Man and he can sue me.
Unlike that web-head pansy, I was paid to waste people. Thing is, I hadn't been doing that lately because I had something that I usually don't have, an elephant, episode-Episode 1? God damn that Jar Jar! I should've shot the theater screen more. Oh, an epiphany, when a lovely, blue, female mutant Vanessa was mortally wounded by Slayback, my once-dead enemy. My healing factor saved her life thanks to her ability to absorb mutant powers. Stopping pulses was an activity I reevaluated; like I said, an epiphany.
Theresa Rourke, another lovely female mutant, who probably prefers the color green, saw something good in me. There was also Blind Alfred, my septuagenarian, not-lovely prisoner for years. Although I contradicted my whole good guy effort by imprisoning her, Al believed in me. The funky '70's group Landau, Luckman & Lake also had me pegged as the Mithras, the savior of Earth, fucking hilarious.
More often than not it's been revealed to me what an unmitigated loser I am. Ordinarily, a win was getting that bullet right between their eyes, but there was no joy from it. I attempted to help that demented TYPHOID MARY! Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch; I should never mix jalapeno cheese with Chunky Monkey.
But I digress. Trying to help Mary backfired. She twisted my good intentions against me and I rejoined the dark side for a spell. Did I also mention I killed a Messiah who wanted peace on Earth, exposing the Mithras sham? I'm Captain Scabface, surefire winner.
I literally flat-lined and became deader than Vanilla Ice's career a few times after that. No really, I finally died. I even did a World's Finest series with Cable. Go figure.
Here's why I'm rambling like Richard Simmons on crack. Theresa left me a voice message, then punched my face. Women, can't live with 'em, can't wear a cup on my groin without 'em!
I had noticed she wore a few injuries, but it took a large amount of time for me to process that not only had someone hurt her but it was someone who looked like me. Anyone would impersonate my ugly ass had serious issues, but I had to get closure. She was one of my few friends, and I didn't wanna lose her. This way I won't pull a Britney-cries-over-Justin-on-20/20 thing.
Oops, there's that classic theme song. A Golden Girls marathon is on MeTV! Staying home on a Friday certainly cements my loser status! So to sum up, this story is about my brief stay in Maui with a girl and a nasty beast who wanted to do what I did and didn't like me very much for it.
Don't expect me to narrate that, though. Bea Arthur is my vice.
END PROLOGUE