This is written a little weird, but I hope you like it.
The first time she saw Beth, she was standing in this very position, in front of the train tracks, waiting. Sarah was confused, didn't understand what she was seeing. This girl had her face and her body, what was she doing? She barely got to open her mouth before she was gone. Now, standing in front of the same tracks, Sarah feels the calm that Beth must have felt before she jumped. She muses over how nice its going to be, to not have anyone rely on you, to not be able to fail anyone. You can't fall in love and get your heart broken, or feel the pain of losing someone. It'll all be gone. Just like you. You left a note at Felix's. You left several, actually. One for everyone.
You feel kind of bad for leaving them. It's not your intention to hurt them. You just cant take it anymore. The constant fear of Rachel taking Kira, or someone hurting Helena, or Cosima dying, or Felix being blamed for murder, or Alison drinking herself to death. You cant protect them no matter how hard you try. So why are you even here? It's a dark day when you realize you have no purpose on this earth. No matter how hard you try to save everyone, it doesn't work, something else happens. And you're tired. You're tired of running and fighting. You're tired of Dyad and neolution. You're tired of yourself.
You can't for the life of you figure out why Beth killed herself. You were always happier when you were pretending to be Beth. I guess Beth had the same responsibilities that you do now. Maybe you have turned into Beth. You took her life, her friends, her sisters, her job, everything. Now, you're going to take her escape plan. You chuckle when you think about it, you've practically become Beth. And you've never felt so connected to her until now. Until you were standing, waiting for a train to come, so you can leave.
You shiver as you hear the screeching noise of the tracks, a sign that a train is coming. You wait and listen for the train to come closer so you can jump right before it gets to you. You don't want to be too obvious about what you're doing. You hear it coming closer. One step, two step, three step, four. You stand at the edge and take a breath. You stretch your leg out and step.
The train passes you.
And you're on the ground.
And someone is holding you for dear life.
And you get angry.
Standing up you turn around to see Cosima. Cosima who has a note in one hand and tears streaming down her face. Cosima who is yelling, she's yelling something but you cant hear her. You cant hear anything. You stand there numb, watching as her lips move, watching as the tears fall frantically down her face. You watch and that's all you do. Then she grabs your hand and she's moving you. Your feet move without your permission and you're following her. Then you're seated in a car and your seatbelt is put on for you, then you're moving again, and you still can't hear.
You pull up in front of Felix's loft and see him standing outside. He's saying something to Cosima as the open the car door and drag you out. Felix picks you up and carries you. That's when you notice your whole body trembling. You bury your face into Felix's sweater, smelling his scent, and that's when you break. You start sobbing, loudly and harshly, taking huge breaths and hiccups in-between your cries. And Felix holds you, and Cosima strokes your hair. When you get inside, you can hear again. It's a rush of people, all of your family in one room waiting for your return.
You're sat down on the couch and you see them. Helena is crying and immediately wraps you into a bear hug. She mumbles something in Ukrainian in your ear and pulls back to kiss you on the cheek. Mrs. S looks mad, worried, and relieved at the same time. Alison is sobbing in Felix's shoulder. Art is on the phone with someone and looks relieved. You look at your family and you feel bad. You almost left these people behind. You almost caused them all so much pain. You apologize and lay down on the couch, Helena lays next to you and cuddles you until you fall asleep.
When you wake up it's to Art telling you that they have an empty bed at a mental institution ready for you, and that they want to help. And you give him a small smile and say you will pack your things, and you do just that. And everyone helps and you hug each and every one of them before you leave. They take you in a cop car and you can't believe that it's come to this. But you remember your family, and the looks on their faces, and you feel ready to take this help. So you go to the institution, and you go to therapy.
And you fight.
You stand in your room with your door open, it's never to be closed they said, and you take a deep breath. Your roommate is a girl named Chastity, only eighteen years old. You cringe when you see her arms, and it shortly makes you think of Helena's back. There are six group therapies a day. Six times that you have to sit in a circle and tell everyone your problems. Or lie about them in your case. They'd keep you here forever if you told them the truth. You imagine yourself saying 'Hi I'm Sarah and I'm a clone' and you laugh a bit. It feels weird to have a smile on yourself.
You have a dream about Beth one night. She yells at you for being so selfish, for being like her. She tells you that you're better than her, and that you have to fight to protect what she couldn't. You cry and tell her that you cant. That you've tried but it's always one thing after another with this clone shit. You tell her Cosima is dying and the only way to keep her here is by harvesting your daughter. You tell her everything, you spill your guts out to her. In the end, she tells you that you're a coward. And you wake up crying.
Your therapist tells you that all your problems stem from your rough childhood. He tells you that being in foster care is the worst thing for a child and that it's perfectly okay that these feelings of anger are only surfacing now. Repressed memories, he calls them. Of course you lie and tell him you think he's right. You tell him all your horror stories from foster homes and group homes, and for a short time, juvy. You tell him how angry you were that no one would listen to you, and how you had no say in anything. And as you keep telling him these things, you realize that they are true. And you are still angry, and after each therapy session, you find yourself feeling a bit relieved.
Cosima comes to visit you the second week you are there. She walks in with her cannula following her, tubes poking into each of her nostrils, and in sets you back. She's still dying, and instead of fighting, you're in here. Cosima hugs you as tight as she can, which isn't very tight with the little strength she has left. She tells you that Helena's stomach grew over night, and that Alison and Donnie are adopting a new baby. She tells you about Felix, and how he and Tony are going on a date this Friday. She tells you all the things you're missing. At the end of the visit, she hands you a folder, hugs you, and leaves.
The folder has pictures in it. There are pictures of everyone, including Kira, and hand made drawing from Kira. It makes you cry, and you get a little more determined to get out of here. You miss Kira terribly. That little girl is the light of your life and you feel so selfish for almost leaving her. You can't wait to see your little monkey again. At that time, you find something else to live for.
After being there for six weeks, you have earned privileges. You can shower alone, you can go outside by yourself, and you can have metal silverware. All these things so small, but so big when you haven't had them in a while. Your therapist diagnoses you wish major depression and puts you on anti depressants, and they work. You learn what they call coping skills, which are outlets to distract or deal with your feelings. You learn more about yourself than you thought you would, and at week eight, you get to leave.
So you leave this place.
And you live.
Hope you enjoyed! Please review!