Clark knocked to let Lexa know she was coming in. Funny how she didn't think of Lexa as the Heda in her room, she was just Lexa. She opens the door with a crease on her brow from trying not to think to hard about what she was about to do, the fact that she had to say goodbye, so soon after having come to an understanding with Lexa. She felt like they were finally coming to a good place. Where they each knew where they stood.
Clarke walks further into the room, searching for her. She looks in the general direction of where she normally is, meditating by her bed like earlier, sitting on the couch reading, standing by the window doing what seems like contemplating life. She's not there. She walks a little further into her room, daring to almost go into the private quarters that she hasn't ever ventured to before.
As she moves towards deciding to go for it, Lexa comes out, fixing the ends of her hair. Clarke sees her first and her breath catches in her throat. Why does it seem like she always gets more and more beautiful each time I see her? Clarke thinks to herself. And now I have to break her heart. Although she doesn't want to admit it to herself, Clarke can sense that Lexa is just as in love with her as she is with Lexa.
Lexa notices her and freezes. I have to swallow the dryness in my throat to try to say something but before I can get a word out, Lexa speaks.
"When do you leave?" In those four words, if feels like her world has come to a screeching halt and might just be over. She walks towards me, almost tentatively, afraid I might run. Little does she know that's the last thing I want to do. If it were not for my duty to my people, for Octavia's plea that they need me, Bellamy's crazed actions, I would stay with her. But I would never be able to say that to her.
Instead, I nod and confirm her worst fears. "Now." It hangs out in the air, heavy. She nods in understanding. Sadness radiation off of all her features. I've never hated to see her so sad in all the time I've known her. I feel like I should do something, explain. I need to help her understand why I'm doing this. Why it has to be this way.
I move closer to her, I almost feel propelled, as if a magnet in her, connected to me, is pulling me towards her. "I'm sorry." I say, trying to put in all of my emotion into those two words. Oh I know how ironic this is after all the times that Lexa has said them to me. And I think now, only now, do I get it. Only now do I understand how hard it is to say, to explain, where the only adequate response to explain are those two words. Oh Lexa!
Immediately, as if she knew what I was going to say, as if in her mind she had already played out this scenario, she replies. "Don't be. You have to go back. They're your people." If I let myself think about it, my commander probably did think about the fact that she could potentially be in this position. That I would have chosen my people. She knows me too well. There's a pause and she inhales as if the next words are being dragged out of her body, "that's why I-" She stops here, and I find myself wanting to know what comes next. "That's why you're you."