CONTESTANT LIST
DAKOTA TRIBE
STEVEN...STEVEN UNIVERSE
MANDY...GRIM ADVENTURES OF BILLY & MANDY
SLAPPY...ANIMANIACS
PEPE...LOONEY TUNES
PANCHITO...THE THREE CABALLEROS
ABIGAIL...CODENAME: KIDS NEXT DOOR
MARCELINE...ADVENTURE TIME
JACK...A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
SHOSHONE TRIBE
CLYDE...PAC-MAN
FLUTTERSHY...MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC
CLEO...CLIFFORD, THE BIG RED DOG
SHIFTY...HAPPY TREE FRIENDS
WILT...FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS
JOY...INSIDE-OUT
CHESHIRE CAT...ALICE IN WONDERLAND
BRIAN...FAMILY GUY
(A shot of a HELICOPTER flying over a white terrain. We cascade over cliffs, flying over FROZEN WATERFALLS. We arc up into the sunlight, spinning around to capture the massive expanse of Yellowstone National Park. The camera turns around to catch the HOST hanging out of the HELICOPTER)
HOST
We're flying over Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming! A frozen wasteland untouched by the modern civilization! In times long ago, this area was home to indigenous Native-American tribes…known for their spirit…
(A shot of SMOKE rising up from a CAMPFIRE. SHADOWS are seen gathered around a CAMPFIRE)
HOST
Fortitude…
(A shot of a SPEAR shattering ICE covering a POND. It slices through a FISH beneath the ice, impaling it, dragging it back up to the surface)
HOST
And will-power to survive in these crippling conditions….
(A shot of sunlight streaming over a FROZEN LAKE. The shadows of a NATIVE-AMERICAN TRIBE walk across the LAKE carrying a sled of supplies. The SUN sets on the horizon in front of them)
HOST
But when the temperatures became less friendly…they migrated elsewhere…
(A jump-cut in time. We now see the same LAKE hundreds of years later. TWO SLEDS are being dragged across the ICE, each loaded with a herd of supplies. One SLED has a green flag – reading "SHOSHONE" – and the other has a red flag reading "DAKOTA." There are EIGHT CONTESTANTS sitting in EACH SLED and each wears a PARKA with color corresponding to their FLAG)
HOST
Now, eighteen new travelers…from all across the animated universe…will return to finish what they started. They've already been divided into two tribes…...Dakota in red, Shoshone in green. First, the Dakota Tribe…
(Cut to STEVEN UNIVERSE in the SLED. A plump boy with messy BROWN HAIR. He unzips his PARKA, staring down at some kind of GLOWING GEM where his BELLY BUTTON should be. It flashes for a second. He smiles, rubbing it. It settles down)
HOST
Steven…from Steven Universe….
(Cut to STEVEN in a confessional. He's holding a BACKPACK and sadly emptying out CANDY BARS)
STEVEN
I know. I wasn't supposed to smuggle food. But when we were waiting at the lodge before the game, I found a bunch of Cookie Cats in the fridge. I won't smuggle any more. I promise…
(He picks up one of the CANDY BARS, tears in his eyes)
Farewell precious angels…
(Cut to ABIGAIL sitting next to STEVEN. An African-American girl with a PONYTAIL. She watches as STEVEN glances around, making sure nobody is looking. He reaches into his BACKPACK and pulls out one last COOKIE CAT. He stuffs it under his PARKA. ABIGAIL smiles and looks away)
HOST
Abigail…from Codename: Kids Next Door…
(Cut to SLAPPY SQUIRREL sitting on the other side of the SLED. An elderly, grey SQUIRREL. She watches as STEVEN drops the CANDY BAR on the ground. It lands near SLAPPY's feet. He glances up at SLAPPY unsurely. SLAPPY cocks her head. She steps on the CANDY BAR, crushing it with her BOOT. She slides it back to STEVEN)
HOST
Slappy Squirrel…from Animaniacs…
(Cut to SLAPPY in a confessional)
SLAPPY
Yeah, yeah, I starred in some cartoons back in the day. That paid for the botoxes. And the divorces. Now I came out here because I don't want to be harassed by the mundane issues of my boring life. And also, I think this old lady's still got it...
(Cut to MARCELINE on the SLED. A pale VAMPIRE. She frowns as STEVEN kneels down beside the CANDY BAR. He looks teary-eyed, trying to piece it back together. MARCELINE gives SLAPPY an angry shove. SLAPPY turns to her, annoyed. MARCELINE hisses at her like a demon. SLAPPY whistles and looks away)
HOST
Marceline….from Adventure Time…
(Cut to JACK SKELLINGTON on the SLED. A tall, spaced-out looking SKELETON. He's smiling vacantly, delighted by everything. Some people are giving him weird looks)
HOST
Jack…from A Nightmare Before Christmas…
(Cut to JACK in a confessional)
JACK
Icicles they call them? Are they stabbing implements? And-
(He blinks, confused)
What – sorry, I'm rambling. Hi! I'm Jack Skellington, spokesman and local mascot for Halloweentown. I've come out here to… survive?
(He smiles in confusion)
But…I'm dead…
(Cut to MANDY in the SLED. A blonde girl with a stone-cold face. She's huddled alone, shivering, trying to keep warm. She watches STEVEN weep for his CANDY bar. She closes her eyes and tries to go to sleep)
HOST
Mandy…from The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy…
(Cut to PEPE in the SLED. A French Skunk. He has his eyes locked on SLAPPY. He purrs romantically. SLAPPY gives him a death stare)
HOST
Pepe LePew…from Looney Tunes…
(Cut to PEPE in a confessional)
PEPE
I make a living as…how-you-say in English…romantic advisor…? I give dating advice…
(He holds up a copy of a BOOK with his smiling face)
"Pepe LePew's Guide To Romance: How To Believe That Pepe Believes In You…"
(Cut to PANCHITO on the SLED. A red MEXICAN ROOSTER. He has an ACOUSTIC GUITAR. He strums it thoughtfully.
HOST
And Panchito…from The Three Caballeros…
(Cut to PANCHITO in a confessional)
PANCHITO
Yo soy Panchito Pistoles, guitarist, mariachi singer, official fan-mail answerer for the Three Caballeros! Here, here, I prepare song…
(Cut to the other SLED. We see the GREEN FLAG reading SHOSHONE rippling in the WIND. We pan down the SLED, capturing a quick glimpse of everyone's faces)
HOST
The Shoshone Tribe…
(Cut to CLYDE sitting in the SHOSHONE SLED. A strange, angry-looking ORANGE ghost creature wearing a FEDORA)
HOST
Clyde…from Pac-Man…
(Cut to CLYDE in a confessional. He speaks like a gangster in an old movie)
CLYDE
I'm Clyde. I run an enterprise. A shindig. An operation. I have a ghost-gang. If people rub me the wrong way, that's it, we rub them out. There's this one guy for example, this yellow guy, we've been going after him for ages. One of these days, we're going to catch him…
(He glares at the camera)
I mean - it's been a good thirty years...
(Cut to SHIFTY on the SLED. A GREEN RACCOON wearing a FEDORA. He clicks his tongue, smiling at CLYDE from the other side of the SLED. CLYDE isn't paying attention)
(Cut to SHIFTY in a confessional)
SHIFTY
You've got this older guy here...this, eh, orange guy who seems like he's…kind of in the same business I am, y'know?
(He takes off his FEDORA and smirks)
But…Shifty wears a lot of different hats…and not all of them play fair…
(Cut to WILT in the SLED. A weird, imaginary creature that's almost seven-feet tall. He has a big smile plastered on his face and looks out-of-place amidst all the tension)
HOST
Wilt…from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends…
(Cut to FLUTTERSHY in the SLED. A yellow PONY. She looks absolutely terrified)
HOST
Fluttershy…from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic…
(Cut to CLEO in the SLED. A purple POODLE. She's smiling at SHIFTY, trying to get him to notice her)
HOST
Cleo…from Clifford, The Big Red Dog…
(Cut to CLEO in a confessional. She's talking very fast and with zero self-awareness)
CLEO
Okay, everyone has this idea I'm high-maintenance. Because I'm a poodle. And I find that offensive. I mean, just because someone's stereotypical, that doesn't mean there isn't more under the surface. And I'm not a stereotype. I'm speaking on behalf of others...
(Cut to CHESHIRE CAT in the SLED. A manic-looking, purple CAT. He grins with his eyes spinning around, shifting from person to person)
HOST
Cheshire Cat…from Alice In Wonderland…
(Cut to BRIAN in the SLED. A white DOG with a red collar. He shivers in the COLD, trying to regain his body heat. He's sort of keeping to himself at the edge of the SLED)
HOST
Brian…from Family Guy…
(Cut to BRIAN in a confessional. He looks groggy and hungover)
BRIAN
So at the lodge before the game, they gave us unlimited bar access. One thing led to another. Now I'm feeling like I got hit by a freight train. But when I get home, this might all be great material for my novel. Because I'm writing a novel. And it's…it's really good…
(He shuffles uncomfortably)
Um, it's about a dog…who's…trying to write a novel…
(Cut to JOY in the SLED. A strange, pixie-like creature with blue hair. She's glowing with delight – literally - and smiling at the snowflakes)
HOST
And Joy...from Inside Out...
(Cut to the HOST standing on top of a tall GLACIER. Morning fog is swirling beneath him in the MOUNTAINS)
HOST
But what these people don't know is that a dramatic twist will be shaping this game. The natives that used to lived here believed that spirits didn't leave after they passed on. Going by tradition, certain contestants may find an advantage that gives them a special power…to cast a vote at a Tribal Council after they're eliminated. We call this…. "The Ghost Vote…"
(Cut to CHESHIRE CAT in a confessional)
CHESHIRE CAT
(Reciting a POEM)
"Through the rain, up the spout, go ahead, vote me out. End my game, for this or that…
I'm not unstable. Just a cat!"
(Cut to PANCHITO in a confessional. He strums his GUITAR and sings a song)
PANCHITO
"Yo soy Panchito!
Into the snow!
Look alive!
Here we gooooo!"
(He raises his GUITAR in the air)
Bienvenido!"
(Cut to the edge of the LAKE. The TWO SLEDS brush against the shore as the DOGS stop pulling. The CONTESTANTS get out of their SLEDS and take spots on either a GREEN or RED MAT….
The HOST stands on his own MAT nearby. He smiles as everyone takes their place)
HOST
Welcome to Animation Brawl: Yellowstone….
(The CONTESTANTS applaud, ready to begin)
You've already been divided into two tribes. You…white dog over there…any first impressions?
BRIAN
(Glancing at the HUSKIES)
Uh, I'm Brian.
HOST
You seem troubled, Brian.
BRIAN
(Pointing to the DOGS)
Are those dogs…being paid to pull that sled?
HOST
Oh, what have we got here – a dogs-rights activist?
BRIAN
Well, I just don't think it's fair that these animals are being asked to—
HOST
Okay, okay, we'll make things fair…
(Cut to thirty seconds later. BRIAN is now fastened up with the HUSKIES. There is a MUZZLE over his mouth like the rest of them. The HOST smiles at everyone)
BRIAN
(Struggling to speak)
Mpph, mph…
HOST
Any other objections?
(Everyone shakes their head)
Good! Now, back to first impressions. Blonde girl with the headband…what's your name?
MANDY
(Dryly)
You know my name.
HOST
All right Mandy, what're you thinking of your tribe mates?
MANDY
(With no emotion)
I'm beside myself. I want to run through a field and pick wildflowers. We'll click our heels together. Throw glitter.
JOY
(Excited)
Then what?
MANDY
We'll hang ourselves.
HOST
And you…big…um…googly-eyed…thing?
WILT
(Waving at everyone)
Wilt! Hi! Greetings! Hello!
HOST
What do you think about your tribe?
WILT
(Smiling)
Well gee, I don't know. I'm just here because they recruited me! From the imaginary friend basketball league. In fact – I've never even watched this show!
HOST
(Desperate)
Okay, well, let's get some entertainment guys. Any trash-talking? Anyone?
(SLAPPY raises her hand, clearly not caring)
Slappy? Care to chime in?
SLAPPY
(She points to STEVEN)
Always a pleasure. Let's see…we got the fat boy smuggling in Twinkies…
(She points to MARCELINE)
The girl who hasn't seen sunlight in a couple hundred years…
(She points to ABIGAIL and MANDY)
Coupla girls who forgot their permission slips…
(She points to PANCHITO)
Senor Stop-Playing-Your-Damn-Guitar-For-Three-Hours….
(She points to PEPE)
Our self-described womanizer…
(She points to JACK)
And….whatever that is….
JACK
(Waving)
Hi! I'm Jack!
(The entire DAKOTA TRIBE is astounded. STEVEN looks particularly hurt. PANCHITO looks sad and places his GUITAR down on the ground)
SLAPPY
(Rolling her eyes)
Can we start now?
HOST
Well, let's check in with the other tribe first. Raccoon in the fedora, what's your name?
SHIFTY
Shifty. …
HOST
Y'know, for all the cold, you've got a big smile on your face…
SHIFTY
What can I say? I'm a ray of sunshine. I get everyone going…
HOST
You'd call yourself a people person?
SHIFTY
Well hey, hey, you can't put any labels on me, buddy. I'm not a soup can. But yeah…I don't know, call me a charmer. I'll steal your heart and sell it back to you…
(Cut to CLYDE in a confessional)
CLYDE
Yeah, I'm a criminal, big whoop. There's a hierarchy though, you know? I didn't get to the top of the mob ladder playing Monopoly. I deserve respect here. And if there's one thing I can't stand… .it's young, smug thieves. The raccoon's a crook. And I'm not going to have it.
(Cut back to the scene. CLYDE is glaring at SHIFTY, keeping quiet)
HOST
All right…one last-check in. Who should it be? How about you…the yellow pony?
(Everyone looks around, confused, not seeing anyone. FLUTTERSHY coughs and steps out from the CROWD)
FLUTTERSHY
Fluttershy. Present…
HOST
Fluttershy, what are your thoughts on your tribe?
FLUTTERSHY
Well, I…I certainly don't want to vote them out. I mean, if other people do, that's okay but…
(She swallows, very frightened)
Hi. I'm Fluttershy…
(Cut to CLEO in a confessional)
CLEO
This is going to be easier than a walk to the dog salon…
(Cut back to the scene)
HOST
All right…you guys ready for your first challenge? Here's how it's going to work. Behind you, there's a massive pile of supplies. You have exactly two minutes to scavenge as much as you possibly can and place it on your sled. Whatever lands on there, you keep. Whatever doesn't…scrap. Survivors ready?
(Cut to MARCELINE in a confessional)
MARCELINE
Hey guys. I'm Marceline Abadeer. The vampire queen. When I saw that big pile of supplies, I was thinking, like….this could be used for like a crazy bonfire…y'know, like, for Burning Man…?
(She flips her hair out of her face and laughs)
Y'know, I liked Survivor before it was cool…
(Cut back to the scene. Everyone tenses up, ready to run. The HOST raises a HAND)
HOST
SURVIVORS READY? GO!
(Everyone takes off toward the SUPPLY PILE. The TRIBES clash right away, fightin over SUPPLIES. SHIFTY hops onto the PILE and scurries to the top. He starts grabbing FISHING LINE and BAIT at the TOP, piling it on his shoulders…
On the ground, PANCHITO swings his GUITAR wildly, trying to smack somebody. MANDY shoulders him out of the way. She reaches into the PILE and digs out a BASKET of FRUIT…
The HOST steps back, surveying the CHAOS…
HOST
It's an all-out brawl! You don't even know these people! Now you have to work together…
(Cut to WILT being smacked around by everyone. He still has a big smile on his face)
WILT
(Getting pushed around)
Oh, sorry! My apologies! Excuse me!
(MARCELINE crashes into CLEO holding a FISHING SPEAR. CLEO seizes it. They begin to fight over it)
CLEO
Pale-faced monster! Get a tan!
MARCELINE
(Snatching the SPEAR)
Rock and roll, sister! Rock and roll!
(SHIFTY makes his way to the bottom of the HILL with the FISHING LINE and BAIT. He tosses it into the SHOSHONE SLED, which is filling up considerably. The DAKOTA SLED is a bit behind, but not by much. MARCELINE hurries over to the DAKOTA SLED, tossing the SPEAR on)
HOST
Thirty seconds left! Who will come out on top?
(CHESHIRE CAT is on top of the PILE. He cackles as he holds an ORANGE, balancing it on his FINGER. PEPE makes his way up, scrambling, trying to grab him)
PEPE
I warn you, Sir! The French are not to be crossed!
(CHESHIRE CAT cackles and vanishes in a crack of smoke. PEPE is astounded. The ORANGE drops into his PALM)
PEPE
Where'd he go?
(Cut to the bottom of the HILL. CHESHIRE CAT is now running back to the SLED, laughing, eyes rolling in his head…)
CHESHIRE CAT
(Singing)
Made you flinch, made you flinch…
HOST
Ten seconds left…
(Cut to the top of the PILE. FLUTTERSHY makes her way to the top, frightened, trying to balance. She spots a BANANA and tries to grab it. Before she can, PANCHITO pops up and snatches it)
FLUTTERSHY
Sorry…that was my banana…
PANCHITO
Ah, I apologize, miss! I must play for my team, yes?
(SHIFTY climbs up behind PANCHITO. He taps on his shoulder. Bewildered, PANCHITO spins around. SHIFTY snatches the BANANA)
SHIFTY
Sorry, man. I kind of have a potassium deficiency. And bananas are loaded with potassium. You wouldn't mind going for an orange, would you?
PANCHITO
(Blinking)
Ah, yes, Senor. I didn't see. Help yourself…
(PANCHITO jogs away. FLUTTERSHY stares at SHIFTY, a little apprehensive. He winks at her. Then he hands her the BANANA)
SHIFTY
Here kid….
(Cut to FLUTTERSHY in a confessional. She's still holding the BANANA. She has a big smile on her face. She blushes)
(Cut to several minutes later. The TRIBES now stand on their MATS behind their SLEDS. DAKOTA has come up noticeably shorter than SHOSHONE. DAKOTA, in particular, lacks comfort items like TARPS and BLANKETS. SHOSHONE also has noticeably more food)
HOST
Well, all right, let's see what we have. Joy…no tarp.
JOY
Well, I'm optimistic!
CLYDE
(Muttering)
Oh my God, kill me…
JOY
(Pulling CLYDE toward her)
Because we're going to power-through this together!
(A group of PRODUCTION CREW MEMBERS enter. They hand PANCHITO a MAP on DAKOTA and SHIFTY a MAP on SHOSHONE)
HOST
All right. Now, here are your maps to your new homes. When you get there, they'll be no fire, no food, nothing. So I'd suggest working before sundown. If you think it's chilly now, wait until nightfall. Godspeed. Good luck…
(WILT kneels down beside BRIAN. He takes off the MUZZLE and unclips him)
WILT
Sorry, partner….
BRIAN
Forget it….
(STEVEN grabs the REINS attached to the DOGS. He tugs them and the DOGS bark. They begin to take off across the LAKE, dragging the DAKOTA SLED out over the LAKE…
CLYDE does the same with the SHOSHONE SLED. Within moments, they're off as well…
The HOST turns back to the camera, smiling as the SLEDS disappear…
HOST
It's a classic social experiment. Sixteen people fighting against the elements…and each other…
CLEO
(Calling out in the distance)
Okay, is anyone heavyset? Because if you're heavyset, sit in the back!
HOST
Thirty-nine days! Sixteen people! One….SURVIVOR!
(Cut to the DAKOTA CAMP. An open clearing between a cluster of PINE TREES. There is scattered wood lying around, presumably from an abandoned campsite. There is also a mound of snow, probably intended to build an IGLOO. There is also a patch for a CAMPFIRE in the center.
The DAKOTA SLED rides into the CLEARING. Their HUSKIES stop, panting, and everyone gets out of the SLED. PANCHITO and STEVEN celebrate. They climb out of the SLED and jump into the CLEARING, rolling in the snow.
Almost everyone goes into a GROUP HUG - JACK, MARCELINE, ABIGAIL, PEPE, PANCHITO, and STEVEN. Two people noticeably abstain. MANDY busies herself going through the SUPPLIES, not wanting to attract attention.
SLAPPY just glares at the OTHERS from the side)
ABIGAIL
All right ya'll, we gonna hang Shoshone out like a buncha wet blankets. Say our name, on the count of three! One...two-
PEPE, ABIGAIL, JACK, MARCELINE, PANCHITO, & STEVEN
DAKOTA!
(SLAPPY starts coughing raggedly. The OTHERS turn in concern, making sure she's okay. She stops instantly. Then she smiles at them)
SLAPPY
Now that I have your attention...how about building a shelter?
(Cut to a few minutes later. Everyone has dispersed around camp. They start to pull SUPPLIES off the SLED together.
JACK climbs out of the SLED and looks around the area. His eyes are delighted. He looks like a kid on Christmas morning…
MARCELINE
(Smiling at him)
Hey bone-daddy, you want to help me unpack?
JACK
I'd be delighted!
(JACK hurries over, dusting SNOW off his hands. He starts to pull SUPPLIES out of the SLED. The OTHERS walk away, dispersing around the area. MARCELINE is the only one who stays, unpacking supplies. JACK stares at her with a weird smile)
JACK
I'm confused. This is...a show of sorts, correct?
MARCELINE
Of course. See the cameras?
JACK
(Squinting at the screen)
Ah yes, strange mechanisms. But – I haven't gotten any schedule yet. So…I'm rather confused. Do you know when my show is supposed to start?
MARCELINE
Start what?
JACK
My show! The entertainment! Y'know – that's why I'm here after all!
(Pause)
MARCELINE
Wait, dude, why do you think you're here?
JACK
My show!
MARCELINE
Yeah, you're on "Survivor." Where you vote people out…?
JACK
(Smiling vacantly)
Vote who out? What's going on?
(Another weird pause. MARCELINE is put off for a moment. Then she smiles, realizing what she can do)
MARCELINE
Um yeah, you'll get a show. Your show's coming soon. In fact, if you stay with me.….I…I think this is going to be the greatest show ever….
(She forces a laugh)
Like…a bangin' concert…y'know…except we're freezing…and people's toes are falling off.
JACK
And then we'll collect the toes? In jars?
MARCELINE
Um – sure. Here, you want to see something cool?
(MARCELINE pulls an APPLE out of the SLED. She proceeds to bite it. The RED COLOR proceeds to drain out of it. Its left as a white, empty SHELL. She throws it to JACK)
MARCELINE
How's that for a show?
JACK
(Delighted)
Are you a witch?
MARCELINE
(Awkward)
No. I'm just…a really pale…um…
(She laughs again, trying to regain herself)
I mean, who knows? Maybe I sneak into children's homes at nights and plant bad dreams into their ears. Maybe I have a whole closet full of human brains…
JACK
(Awed)
May I have your phone number?
(Cut to MARCELINE in a confessional)
MARCELINE
Jack thinks he's here to perform a show or something. He's crazy. But he's kind of hot too and he's rocking the whole undead thing. So that's cool. I can use him. I mean, as long as he doesn't spread the truth that I'm a vampire...
(There's a weird lightning effect. MARCELINE bares her fangs. Then she smiles awkwardly)
(Cut to about half an hour later. There is a yellow slit of sunset on the horizon line. MANDY and ABIGAIL are crowded around the FIRE, working together to try to get a spark with FLINT)
ABIGAIL
Girl power, y'know? Man, we suck...
MANDY
(Not looking at her)
I'm not a feminist...
ABIGAIL
I mean - I'm jokin. Geez. What are you into?
MANDY
(Deadpan)
Once upon a time, there were two clowns at the circus. One clown insisted on talking and talking. He woke up in a bathtub the next morning with his esophagus removed...
(Awkward pause)
ABIGAIL
Was that directed at me?
MANDY
(Smirking)
I was just making conversation. How are you, Abigail?
(Cut to ABIGAIL in a confessional)
ABIGAIL
Girl's whacked up in the head. Like, I can tell she's smart, but whenever we try to talk, she goes on about...dead clowns and spiders and stuff. I feel like she's testing me. Trying to creep me out. But, y'know, she's my age. She's sharp. I'm trying to click with Mandy...
(Cut back to the scene)
ABIGAIL
What is it with you, man? Do you want to talk about the game or not?
MANDY
Of course I do. But we're sitting out here in the open. Stop being an idiot. Make the fire...
(PEPE waltzes over. He smirks at the girls and sits down. He holds his DATING BOOK in his hands)
PEPE
Excuse me ladies, I am noticing...ze fire has not been started?
MANDY
What was your first clue?
PEPE
Please Madame, if I may contribute? In the French Alps, I camp and build fires for my lovers. I will tend to this...
(PEPE starts tinkering with the FIRE. He smiles at the GIRLS on-and-off, trying to charm them. They just stare blankly at him)
ABIGAIL
(Breaking the silence)
Hey Pepe, what's that book?
PEPE
(Holding up the BOOK)
Oh, this. This is my dating book: "Pepe's Guide To Believing Pepe Believes In You." Perhaps I can interest you. I don't know if you have...middle school crush?
MANDY
I abhor love and everything it stands for...
(MANDY gets up and walks away. PEPE looks at ABIGAIL)
PEPE
So...it's on sale for nine-ninety five...
(Cut to STEVEN in a confessional)
STEVEN
When I hear the word hero, I get all excited inside. You know? Like, it makes me think of people jumping out of burning buildings...and saving people and...I mean, I don't call myself a hero though. No. That's not why I'm out here. I just...feel like people expect me to be...
(Cut to the other side of CAMP. PANCHITO and STEVEN are working together on the SHELTER. They are constructing an IGLOO of sorts. PANCHITO evens out a deep HOLE with a sharpened STICK, trying to make it hospitable for everyone)
PANCHITO
So you are…how-you-say…alien?
STEVEN
(A little embarrassed)
I'm part-alien. I'm a Crystal Gem. My belly button's…super-powered and stuff…
PEPE
Ah, I have no super-power. If I did – I would make wine and women appear to me by magic! Yes, yes? I joke, I joke!
(He evens out the HOLE, very exhausted)
But - I don't suppose – you could use power to help with the shelter?
STEVEN
Sorry. I operate by a strict moral code.
PANCHITO
Ah well...
(SLAPPY crosses over to the SHELTER. She smokes a cigarette. She glares at STEVEN and PANCHITO's handiwork)
SLAPPY
What's this, rooster? You mining for gold?
PANCHITO
(Shocked)
Senora, are you…smoking a cigarette?
SLAPPY
Yeah, yeah…I smuggled them in. I'll put it out.
(She throws her CIGARETTE out in the SNOW)
I'll tell you what you've got to do here. First, using the stick's going to take forever. You're better off just climbing on top. You dig a big hole with a shovel. That'll keep us safe from the wind…
PANCHITO
(Put-off)
You are welcome to…do it yourself—
SLAPPY
Yeah, yeah, gladly, out of my way—
(SLAPPY shoulders PANCHITO out of the way. She starts carving up the IGLOO)
STEVEN
Slappy…why don't you let Panchito help?
SLAPPY
No, I want you, fat boy. Climb up here…
STEVEN
I'm not fat!
SLAPPY
Yeah, yeah, and I'm working for Playboy. Lend me a hand.
(She turns to PANCHITO)
Now you, scram. Go help somebody else.
PANCHITO
(Holding his HAT to his CHEST)
My lady… I think you're coming off rather rash…
SLAPPY
Do you?
PANCHITO
To the tribe.
STEVEN
(Whispering)
It's okay, Panchito. I'm going to try to get to know her. Maybe she's, like...shy...
(Cut to the FROZEN LAKE. MARCELINE and JACK are sitting together out on the ICE. They've each carved a HOLE and sit there with FISHING POLES. They ice-fish together, waiting for prey to nibble in the water beneath them. MARCELINE finishes fastening JACK's line for him)
MARCELINE
So just like that. Now we wait for the fish to come by…
JACK
Scintillating.
(They sit there awkwardly. JACK smiles into space. MARCELINE clicks her tongue, trying to think of something to say)
MARCELINE
Well...I thought I'd give you a crash course...in what's-
JACK
So have the producers come by yet? I must say, I'm excited to perform for a new audience! In Halloweentown, it's always the same routine!
MARCELINE
Well, you're not going to have a show...
JACK
I don't understand.
MARCELINE
(Very careful)
Jack, the object of this game…is to vote everyone out one-by-one. Um, see...we're a tribe. And we're going to compete in challenges. All right? Does that make sense?
JACK
But…when do I perform my show?
MARCELINE
(After a moment)
Okay, y'know what, never mind. Here, let's fish...
(She gets a tug on the LINE)
Ooh, look I think I got one...
(MARCELINE yanks a FISH out of the WATER. It flops around on the ICE. She grabs a POCKETKNIFE nearby and starts to cut into it)
MARCELINE
Ugly little guy, isn't he? Look, blubber-guts—
JACK
The smell is delectable.
MARCELINE
It smells like dead people.
JACK
Acquired taste. Of course, you wouldn't know. Being alive…
(MARCELINE frowns, a little put-off. She lays the DEAD FISH out on the ICE)
MARCELINE
Well, I'm glad you're here. I mean, cause you seem super-chill. Cooler than the rest of them...
JACK
(Grinning)
Monkey-see, monkey-do…
MARCELINE
Yeah. Just, um, stay on your toes though, okay? Cause…people might try to take advantage of you. So if you hear anything…make sure it comes back to me…
(Looking down at the FISH)
Well, let's cut this little guy…
(MARCELINE brushes her HAIR out of her face. JACK catches a glimpse of the side of her NECK - particularly, two red bite marks. His face lights up in delight)
JACK
ARE THOSE BITE MARKS?
MARCELINE
(Shrinking back)
No.
JACK
WHY, YOU'RE NOT HUMAN!
MARCELINE
No, I'm human! I'm perfectly human!
JACK
Oh, come off it now! You're a beautiful denizen of the undead! A goddess of the underworld! Why, you're a vampire, Marceline! Yes, yes! I thought so!
MARCELINE
(Frightened)
Okay, well, what are you going to do? Throw garlic at me?
(JACK wraps his arms around her. He hugs her tightly. MARCELINE is shocked)
JACK
No, no. The others don't need to know. Why, even back to ancient times…a vampire's identity was to to be protected. Don't you know what this means, my sweet?
MARCELINE
(Nervous laugh)
Well, I don't know. Let's ask the fish…
(She grabs the FISH. She pushes its mouth up and down, making it talk)
MARCELINE
"What does it mean, Jack?"
JACK
IT MEANS YOU'RE MY QUEEN!
MARCELINE
Your what?
(JACK shakes her back and forth)
JACK
My goddess Sally, the love of my after-life, she's left me for parts unknown-
MARCELINE
She…broke up with you?
JACK
Yes! Yes! But now you're here!
(He squeezes MARCELINE harder)
I knew I came out here for a good reason! I knew this offer meant something! I will protect you! I will care for you! Clean for you! In this skeleton's eyes, you are royalty…and you will be treated as such...
MARCELINE
(After a moment)
So…you want to be my…"friend?"
(JACK bows humbly to her)
JACK
I pledge my life...
MARCELINE
(Catching on)
Well…I kind of like the sound of that. Okay Jacky-Jack, clean the fish. Gut it. Then bring it back to camp...
(Cut to MARCELINE in a confessional)
MARCELINE
Jack's insane. I remind him of his ex-girlfriend? Who's also a vampire or dead or something? But whatever. I mean, I can deal with having a lackey. A fan. A roadie. I've...never had a friend before either…
(Cut back to the SHELTER. SLAPPY and STEVEN are hard at work. STEVEN is hollowing out the SHELTER with a LONG STICK. They're constructing the IGLOO, making sure it's deep enough inside for everyone. SLAPPY surveys him as he works with the STICK)
SLAPPY
Good. We're all finished. Now we can bring the fire inside.
(STEVEN ignores her. He places the STICK down and starts packing down the SNOW)
Y'know, you could've put more effort. I mean, really, this is, like-
STEVEN
Slappy, this is really getting on my nerves.
SLAPPY
Whatever. What do you think of our tribe so far?
STEVEN
You're asking me? After insulting me?
SLAPPY
Who said I insulted you?
STEVEN
You just did!
SLAPPY
I only called you fat!
STEVEN
Several times!
SLAPPY
Pssh. You kids, so goddamned sensitive nowadays. Political correctness. I didn't mean anything by it. What, do you want me to pull a bundle of roses out of my ass for you?
STEVEN
(Raising his hand in the air)
That's it! Serious Steven! Activate!
SLAPPY
...Ehhh, what?
STEVEN
Slappy…we're going to be out here together for, like...for a really long time. So if you don't simmer down, you're going to be in for a rude, rude awakening-
SLAPPY
Who says? Your Mom?
(STEVEN opens his mouth to argue but something's off. He looks flustered)
SLAPPY
What? Don't you have a Mom?
(STEVEN takes a deep breath. He looks away from SLAPPY. He struggles to hide that he's tearing up. SLAPPY raises her eyebrows, very confused. ABIGAIL wanders over. She looks at the two in confusion)
ABIGAIL
What's going on here?
(STEVEN shakes his head and storms off. SLAPPY and ABIGAIL are left alone. ABIGAIL glares at SLAPPY)
SLAPPY
(Breaking the silence)
Pssh. Push-over...
(Cut to ABIGAIL in a confessional)
ABIGAIL
The old hag went hay-wire on belly-button boy. I don't jive with that. I mean, I got a sister at home who don't give me the time of day, so any bullying around here - nuh-uh - Abigail ain't going to swing for that, ya'll. So I figured I'd go over, see where Steven's head was at...
(Cut to the outskirts of CAMP. STEVEN is off in the woods. He's hunched over a BUSH for some reason, burying something in the SNOW. The tears are dried on his cold face. ABIGAIL hurries over. She cocks her head, confused. She approaches him)
ABIGAIL
Steven, boy, what you doin'?
STEVEN
(Startled)
Get back! I can get...really aggressive and stuff...
(ABIGAIL shoulders STEVEN out of the way. She finds a bunch of CANDY in the SNOW that STEVEN is trying to bury. There's chocolate bars, sour candies, the whole nine yards. ABIGAIL picks up a CHOCOLATE BAR and scrutinizes it)
ABIGAIL
Gummy bears? Cookie Cats?
STEVEN
(Snatching the BAR back)
I'm not cheating. I'm throwing it all away...
ABIGAIL
Well, then why'd you smuggle it?
STEVEN
I don't want to talk about it. I know. You're going to give me some...speech about not being perfect and hard on myself-
ABIGAIL
Well, of course there's such a thing as perfect. If there was, nobody would want to be anything they aren't already. But - I don't know - maybe you're a long way from perfect...
STEVEN
Get away from my candy! I told you : I'm getting rid of it...
ABIGAIL
I'm just saying: maybe you don't actually want to be out here...
STEVEN
You have no right to say that!
ABIGAIL
Yeah? What're you going to do?
(STEVEN glares at ABIGAIL. He glances down at his stomach. He unzips his PARKA and shows the EMERALD on his BELLY BUTTON. Without warning, STEVEN turns to the side and fires a LASER out of the EMERALD. It obliterates a TREE. The BRANCHES catch flame. The BARK is reduced to ash. ABIGAIL looks on in shock)
STEVEN
Was that enough for you?
ABIGAIL
I didn't come here to pick on you...
STEVEN
Yeah, well, if you're trying to be a good liar, you're not perfect either...
ABIGAIL
I like you. I've wanted to talk. I just wanted to see if you had game...
STEVEN
Do I?
ABIGAIL
That's for you to decide.
(She leans in closer)
And if you don't trust me... You're the first person I've told I'm a fully-trained secret agent...
(Cut back to the CAMPFIRE. The sun is beginning to set. PEPE is still hard at work at the FIR. The OTHERS have left him. He strikes FLINT against a ROCK, struggling to get a spark)
(Cut to PEPE in a confessional)
PEPE
I have sat at ze fire for three hours. No light. Not a spark. But…I am persistent. I must impress the young people. I must...show them I am "cool."
(Cut back to the scene. PEPE grumbles as he strikes the FLINT. After a third strike, part of the FLINT breaks off. He groans and shivers in the cold)
(Cut back to PEPE in a confessional)
PEPE
I am not lazy American…sit around all day, eat potato chips. No, no. All my life…help others. Girl and boy, they like each other...so I help them get together. I am matchmaker. That is my calling. Love. Yes. Like the scent of fine chocolate sifting through ze open windows…the power of love…
(Cut to several minutes later. PANCHITO and STEVEN are now sitting together on the LOGS, watching as PEPE strikes the FLINT on the ROCK. PEPE listens to them talk, laughing together, joking around. PEPE looks a little left-out. He clears his throat and turns to them)
PEPE
Would...would anyone like a copy of my book?
(PEPE reaches to his side and grabs the BOOK he was showing off earlier. He hands it to PANCHITO. PANCHITO looks at it with excitement. He flips through the pages)
PANCHITO
Yes, yes, she is….how-you-say….excelente. Good picture on the cover…
PEPE
You like what I wrote?
PANCHITO
I can't read.
(Cut back to PEPE in a confessional)
PEPE
Of course, on this tribe….I am not feeling ze love yet…but I will fight to be useful. Always others. Before myself...
(Cut to some time later. The sun has almost completely set. JACK and MARCELINE are now sitting on the LOGS. PEPE is much more irritable now, trying to get the FIRE started. He eavesdrops on JACK and MARCELINE's conversation)
JACK
-And then she looked at me and said, "Jack, I know our afterlife has been wonderful together, but I only have an eternity left. I need to make the most of it. Then before we broke up, she tore off her index finger and gave it to me.
(He reaches into his SLEEVE and pulls out a ZOMBIE INDEX FINGER)
And now…I'll give it to you…
MARCELINE
Are you sure? I….I feel kind of awkward …
JACK
Cherish it.
PEPE
(Turning to face them)
I am sensing a spark between you, no?
MARCELINE
(Awkward)
No, no – we're just – friends—
PEPE
(Stroking his chin)
Zees is…promising….
(Cut to PEPE in a confessional)
PEPE
Ze pull between ze two dead ones….it is insatiable. I will make their bond stronger. Bring out ze love. Then…I will have two allies….
(Cut back to the scene. PEPE strikes the ROCK again. This time however, something happens. There's a flash of light. Smoke begins to rise. MARCELINE jumps up in excitement, pointing at the ROCK)
MARCELINE
Wait, Pepe, you've got a spark! You've got a spark!
PEPE
I did? I did! EVERYONE, COME LOOK!
(The ENTIRE TRIBE hurries over to the FIRE. ABIGAIL kneels down hurriedly, blowing on the ROCK. The FIRE picks up. The WOOD catches FIRE. The KINDLING starts to burn, lighting up the pit, embers drifting up into the sky)
PANCHITO
(Jumping up and down)
WE WON'T FREEZE! FIESTA! FIESTA!
SLAPPY
Now we've got to drag it into the igloo. Out of the way-
ABIGAIL
(Joking to PEPE)
Nice work, Frenchie. Now we can burn your book…
(Cut to PEPE smiling in a confessional)
PEPE
At last….I am accepted….