Title: It's Not You, It's Me
Author: OCDegrassi (Holly)
Pairings: Lily/James
Rating: T
Warnings: Mentions Sex and Sexual Situations
Note: This was written in response to Jemennuie's Asexual Awareness Challenge. I'm not asexual, so I hope I did an okay job with the topic and don't offend anyone. Sorry in advance if I do!
XXX
Lily's POV
I love him; I really do. That's why I do this. James loves sex, and I want to make him happy. How could I expect him to go a lifetime without it for my sake?
So I do it, even when there are so many other things that I would rather be doing.
He'd never know, but my every move is fake. I pretend to tremble from his touch, and I respond to his dirty talk with faux-breathlessness. My moans are calculated before I make them, and he never knows the difference.
I wish I could enjoy this. The pleasure in his eyes is such a foreign concept. I want to feel what he feels, if only for a second, because to me, this feels like nothing. I'm simply going through the motions, waiting for it to be over.
He's constantly switching positions to make sure I enjoy myself. I don't have the heart to tell him that no matter how many positions he tries, I will never enjoy myself.
It's not as if I'm disgusted by how he looks, because I'm not. I just don't find him, or anyone else for that matter, attractive.
It's almost worse than being disgusted by his looks. It makes me feel empty; like I'm somehow missing out on something fantastic.
But I don't need it, nor do I want it. I want intimacy, but not this way.
I know he would never understand, so I simply don't tell him. It would only bruise his ego, and I don't want to hurt him.
I'm sure that no matter how hard I try to explain it, he will never be able to understand that it's not him; it's me.
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A/N: Reviews are lovely.