The Humpening
As he walked into the shared bathroom prepared to drop a deuce, he saw Jess brushing her teeth. She was still in her pajamas and already had her glasses on. Her rump looked particularly delectable on this fine Thursday morning. Damn, she's so pretty, I want to hump her until she can't think straight! thought Nick. Nick stood in the bathroom doorway in a transfixed stupor with his mouth gaping open as he leered at his beautiful roommate.
"Oh hey, Nick!" called Jess cheerfully as she saw him in the reflection of the mirror.
"Is that a feeling stick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" chided Jess.
Nick didn't know what to do. Jess had caught him not only staring at her in the bathroom like some prepubescent teen, but she also noticed his ever growing erection.
"Uh, just typical morning wood that guys get, Jess." lied Nick. "Don't flatter yourself."
"Nick's got a boneeeeer!" sing-songed Jess in a jovial tone.
Nick made his trademark turtle face just as Schmidt entered the now overcrowded bathroom.
"Okay, I want answers and I want them now!" yelled Schmidt.
"What are you talking about, Schmidt?" asked Jess.
"Someone used MY towel and MY Mango Chut-uh-ney shampoo!"
"Oh yeah, that was me." said Nick.
"I used your CHUTNEY shampoo as a lotion and your towel to clean up after I was finished."
"Used my Chut-uh-ney shampoo as a lotion for what? Cleaned up what with my towel?" asked a befuddled Schmidt.
"I think you know very well what I'm talking about, Schmidty." said Nick as a grin replaced his turtle face.
After a moment of confusion, Schmidt slowly began to realize the horrific act that Nick had put his Chutney shampoo and towel through.
"Eww, uhh, you are…you are disgusting!" hollered Schmidt as he stormed out of the apartment.
"Did you really do what I think you did, Nick?" asked a clearly grossed out Jess.
"Of course not, I was just messing with him." lied Nick once again.
"Oh good, because I was about to say 'creepo'!" said Jess in one of her weird voices.
"Well, I'll get out of here now and let little Nick do his business." said Jess awkwardly as she left the bathroom.
God, she is so perfectly humpable. I have got to hump her. I wonder what Remy the landlord is up to…