Last Words
Good morning, Sei-kun. I love you.
Maybe, it's the little thing that mattered. Maybe, it's those miniscule moments that passed us by so unassumingly that are precious.
Maybe, it's just simple things like his voice leaving a mail on your phone.
He doesn't really quite understand—emotions were never his strong points—it was always Kouki that understood those things because he's the emotional one between them, he's the crybaby, he's the softhearted, he's more humane between the two of them—he's Kouki after all.
So, he doesn't really understand much.
Hey, Sei-kun, I know it's two in the morning. I just can't sleep. I have this weird dream—this really, really weird dream. You were there. Kuroko was there. Sakurai was there. I mean, everyone—literally everyone was there. And we're on a beach, playing volleyball. And you and the others suck at it—except Kise because let's face it he can copy sports like it was the most natural thing to do. And you know what's weirder? You trying to smash the ball with a bat pretending it's the watermelon. But knowing you… Well, still, I love you.
He remembered that voicemail.
He woke up one morning to find a call from Kouki at an ungodly hour the day of the Winter Cup. He remembered shaking his head—he remembered cracking an amused smile—he remembered dialing his phone number and calling him charming—he remembered things so clearly, most of the times it hurts.
It hurts when he closed his eyes and all he could see were the ghost of the memories Kouki left behind.
Sometimes, he wishes he could just forget things. Just sometimes though.
Sei-kun, I'm going to Kyoto this Saturday with Kuroko. I thought of dropping by at your practice briefly—and oh! Oh! Do you remember that raccoon keychain you had been staring last week that you had called weird? I bought two of it so we had matching keychains. Anyway, bye, the coach is going to kill us soon. Love you.
He can hear the grin of his voice—the laughter of his tone—the happiness of his every word. He can hear the Kouki that had come so far.
He lifelessly stared at his phone—the keychain hanging down reminds him of awful things. It swayed gently when his hand quivered and he wondered when he became so weak.
"Look, Kouki, I still have that keychain you teased me about so much. It still looked weird and creepy, by the way. But you always thought me saying those are endearing. But still the raccoon is still hanging around." His words drifted across the empty room and he almost smashed his phone when he remembered that it's the only thing he has that would keep him from really tearing the whole world down.
The raccoon swayed again and he almost fooled himself into believing that Kouki might be playing with it between his fingers the way he always did. But he didn't.
Sei-kun, your father called me. He asked why you weren't answering your phone. I told you, when he calls, answer it. Mou! Your father always thought that we are having s-s-s-sex when you don't answer your phone it's embarrassing! And, oh, when you two eat dinner, say hi to him for me. Love you, bye!
His father was a bastard. He snorted at the thought—ever since he knew that his son was dating another boy, he made sure that he knew all the details that go through between him and Kouki.
It was embarrassing for him to talk about his sex life with his father especially that his father sports a very stoic façade.
He was a downright bastard with a soft spot for humans with big grins and big hearts like his mother and Kouki.
And he was one too.
Sei-kun, I was watching an Anime right now. And one of the characters resembled you so much I just got to call you! Anyway, when you hear this, go search it and see it for yourself. Man, I can't believe I would ever find you on an Anime ever. Hahaha!
He let out a nervous chuckle—hoarse, throaty, dry.
He thinks he's going insane now—he thinks this is his limit already. He had heard Kouki's voicemails countless of times but he still hasn't heard him talk to him personally. It had only been a week that he was gone and he's going insane already because he knew that one of those voicemails was his last word for him—and he won't be able to have anything else after that.
What would he say to his funeral?
Would he break down? Or would he not even go? He wasn't sure anymore—it scared him so much how weak he had become ever since. It scared him to see Kouki dead—it made the pain even more real and scathing.
An emperor like him quivering at the truth that the only man he would ever love—the only human he would ever give his heart away is dead? What an absurd way for life to bring him down, absurd indeed.
Really, really absurd.
A tear slid down before another follow and he buried his face on his hands to hide the yearning on his face and the fear of facing the world alone again.
"God, Kouki, it hurts."
I know we just had seen each other today but I miss you already, Sei-kun. It had been a great day for the both of us! And I won't tell anyone about the rollercoaster incident, Sei-kun. I promise… although Kuroko might find out either so… Anyway, I forgot to bring my gift to you today so I had my sister sent it through mail. I love you, Sei-kun! I'll see you again soon!
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
He supposed it was never meant to be this way.
They were supposed to graduate college. They were supposed to go see the new movie. They were supposed to eat dinner. They were supposed to marry. They were supposed to annoy each other for the rest of their lives. They were supposed to grow old.
Kouki is supposed to be alive.
And he was supposed to be alive with him.
Sei-kun…I love you.
He closed his eyes, repeating the last voicemail Kouki had sent him.
He never understood things like emotions and dramas—it was never his strong point. He was the cold one—the one that never cry much—the one with a heart made of poisoned steel—the lesser humane of the two. It was always Kouki's strong point to begin with—these little things.
But he guessed—he's just guessing because he doesn't want to admit it honestly—that he understood pain just a little bit more now.
He thinks it's a pain in the ass. He thinks it should just rot in hell.
But the most important thing he thinks about it is that it reminded him that he's just a little bit alive—that he's still existing—that it made him remember that alive men were supposed to feel pain.
He puts the phone to his left ear again, drowning the constant knocking of his door or the voices that vaguely sounded like his friends or the crazy shouts of life at him.
He buries himself more under the blue blankets that Kouki got for him and briefly he thought that the raccoon keychain felt really cold to his warm cheeks.
At first, it were statics but then he felt the familiar voice of Kouki and he could tell that the pain is acting up again when he noted that his cheeks are getting wet once more.
A warm familiar feeling spread through his vein when he heard him again—his last words for him.
Hey, Sei-kun… did I tell that I love you?
Fin…
I'm sorry… I just needed to let this out before I burst with tears in public. And that would be embarrassing as hell. Anyway, Review!