AN: Hey so I know I said I was going to start a diary of my current happenings after I finished all the childhood and teen years stuff. But since there are exciting things happening in our family now, I sort of don't want to wait to document them and I also find myself needing an outlet for all my thoughts and feelings. (I'm finding myself rather emotional these days.)
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, I found out that J.R. knew about my being pregnant. I hadn't even told Jonah yet and J.R. revealed it in a poem to Jonah. I thought they would both be so mad, but it seems like everything is fine.
Today, I told mom, and she lost it on Jonah, and I felt terrible cuz I left him there to deal with that. I just couldn't face her cuz I thought she was gonna hate us for it. But I guess it's true that a mother's love is unconditional. She doesn't hate us, which is a relief.
There are so many things I want to talk to Jonah about. J.R. says he probably needs time to process and okay, I can respect that. But what about what I need? Let's put it this way, I'm scared shitless!
There's Jonah, and yes I know he loves me, but a baby! That's not something he ever signed on for. And let's not forget that he's also my brother, I mean doesn't that sometimes result in problems? So yeah, I'm scared. What if he decides it's too much responsibility? What if he decides I'm not his problem? Or that he doesn't want to be a father?
And then there's J.R. I can't even imagine how he could be feeling right now. And neither of them wants to talk. Well is it because they're processing? Because processing I can handle. If they just need time and we can talk in a few days or something then that's totally fine. But what if it turns out that this is one of those 'we're men, and men don't talk about this kind of stuff' things, then what?
Am I supposed to just go through the next five months wondering if they'll still both love me at the end of all this? Wondering if either of them will even want to be a part of this child's life?
And there are so many little things I want to ask Jonah but I'm scared he doesn't want to talk about it. You know, silly things like baby names. I just wish I had a secret little key that I could use to unlock their male brains and get inside and see what they were thinking.
Who am I kidding, it's probably just the hormones messing me up. I love my boys and I know they love me. At the end of the day, I'm sure they will still love me. And I would like to think they will both love this child. I just wish I knew all of this for sure.
- S.R.L-W