Chapter 1: THE SHAME
"Mom, I really don't want to do this," I groaned as I plopped down on my bed with the pillow over my face.
"Nessie, I think we should talk about it," she said in a soft voice. I felt the weight of the bed change as she sat beside me. She tried to pull off the pillow off my face but gave up seeing I wouldn't let go of it, though I'm pretty sure she could have just rip it off if she whised. I could not look at her face right now.
How could I after what I did?
"Sweetheart, I'm not mad at you, no one is…" my answer was a snort as I tried to ignore the fact that I could probably burn off the pillow from the heat in my cheeks. "It's perfectly normal you did…that," she went on. But it didn't escape my attention the hesitation in her voice. "There's nothing to be ashamed of," she added.
Those words triggered something inside me.
How could she say that? Did she really suffer of short-term memory loss or something like that? – Something I would see rather disturbing and just… weird on a vampire - or was this the motherly love and motherly forgiveness everybody talked about?
Because, I'll be damned all to hell if there was nothing to be ashamed of.
"Are you serious?" I asked, ripping the pillow off of my face. I didn't give her the chance to answer before I sat up straight and looked at her deadly in the eyes, before talking again, "I know that what I did was perfectly normal! But don't you come and tell me that being caught by almost ALL your family, while you're masturbating is nothing to be ashamed of!" I yelled. "And not only that, but that between those who caught you on it, was the person whose name you were moaning at the precise moment when you climaxed… But I suppose that that is something I should not be ashamed of either, right?" I yelled sarcastically and quite bitterly, I must say.
Mom sat in front of me wide eyed, blinking and jaw opened, gapping like she was trying to come up with some words to relief me and couldn't come up with nothing. Then I heard a chuckle, a smack and then few growls, followed by a voice that I would recognize even if I was dead…
"If you say something else, I swear of god Emmett, I will kill you with my own bare hands and literally feed you to the wolves!" Jacob whispered in a growl that I was sure he did not intend for me to hear, but of course, thanks to my vampire heritage, I did.
And I could tell by his voice that he was shaking trying to control his phasing.
"Now, calm down Jacob… I'm sure you don't want to piss up Renesmee more than she is right now. And by killing her uncle, you certainly will." Jasper whispered and I felt a light wave of calm spread inside me. Right now, I wouldn't mind if they kill Emmett or not. But I know I would regret later… wait…
…Emmett, Jasper… I could hear them. I could hear them downstairs. What meant that they heard what I just said… what meant that HE had heard what I just said.
Only then, did I realize that by saying what I said, I had made a bigger mistake than the one I have already done, and embarrassed myself even further that I already have.
Because downstairs, were six vampires and a werewolf, that had an extremely well enhanced hearing; and were, by the way, the same six vampires and werewolf who found me in plain orgasm moaning Jacob's name at the top of my lungs.
But of course I couldn't think of that before releasing my verbal vomit.
I'm so fucked up.
Four days…
Four days had passed since that awful, embarrassing day.
Four days since I hadn't left my room.
Four days since I have talked or seen anyone besides mom.
Extreme? Maybe. Not that I cared, though.
But the part that was actually killing me, was that four days had passed since I last saw or spoke to Jacob… and now, he probably think I'm just a horny teenager ruled by her screaming hormones, who can't take a hold of herself.
Or at least doing it privately.
My family and I had moved to Southern Ontario, Canada, when I was three years old; which for me, physically, meant around ten to twelve years old.
I knew at the moment that I would miss Charlie, my grumpy grandpa, who mom had always told me that melts with my very presence; the guys from La Push, specially Seth, Quil and Claire; my house, the one where I was born and had grew up and had so many memories in; the forest, when I had hunted so many times, where I had run so many miles just to feel the wind in my face and the dirt under my feet, listening to all of its sounds...
Yes, I would simply miss Forks… It was all I knew to an extent.
But the moment I first knew we were going to move out, none of these things even cross my mind. Only one thing did, or a person, must I say… Jacob.
I threw a tantrum about how I wasn't going to move out at least I was dead. I yelled at mom at dad and told them they could not do this to me, without even giving them the chance to speak or explain me the reasons why we had to move. Though I knew them all, and I had always been conscious that the time would come soon when we would have to do it. But I just wasn't prepared to leave my Jacob behind me. No, it wasn't that I was not prepared. It was that I could simply not leave him behind. Not amount of preparation could change that.
It wasn't until Jacob himself told me and swore to me that he was going to move out with us, that I stopped yelling and crying and gave the rest of my family a chance to speak.
Our house here on Ontario was pretty much the same style that the one we had in Forks. Wide open and light colored spaces, with big long windows that let the light enter. The house was even located near a lake, which reminded me of the river we had almost in our backyard back in Forks. The only thing totally different was that in Ontario, was that we had a huge pool on the backyard. It was only installed because Jacob and I wanted a pool – yes, installed. Because there was no way that a normal person would want a pool in the wintery weather in Ontario. But of course we weren't normal persons, but anyway – Jacob lived in the guest house, which was really more like a mini department since it had its own kitchen/dining room, living room and two bedrooms, each one with its own bathroom – he told me that it was even bigger that his house back in La Push. Not that he cared much anyway.
I knew that it was hard on him to be away from his family, the pack, La Push… because like me, it was everything he had ever known and loved. And I felt bad that I had almost made him come with us, it made me feel the most selfish being on earth to even think about it.
Fact that occurred often.
He found me one day on the lakeside, sitting on a rock. We had found this place in one of our explorations of the area when we just moved in. It was a dock, from an old abandoned house. The view was just beautiful; showing the lake in all its extension, lined with row after row of pine trees and the mountains highlighting in the background.
We had kept this place secret, only for us. It was a place where we could go and think, hang out together without anyone disturbing us or just being alone without really hide from each other.
That day I was there because I had, unintentionally, overheard a conversation that Jacob was having with Emmett and Jasper.
"Don't you miss Forks?" Emmett had asked Jacob.
"Yeah..." he sighed "But it´s not like I have a choice… what else could I have done? Stay?"
"Yeah, it's pretty difficult when it comes to Nessie." Jasper said.
After that I had ran until I reached the dock at the lakeshore. The words repeated on my mind and they only made me feel more and more selfish, and shittier that I already felt. But of course, as everything bad that happened in my life, it went away with Jacob's words of reassurance. He told me that it was, in fact, true that he missed Forks, and his family, and the pack; that he felt sad sometimes being away from them… but that he would have felt millions times worse, that he would have felt like he was dying if he had stayed there with all of that, but without me.
In that moment, seeing his face looking me at me so tenderly, under the dim light of the sunset… I just couldn't help myself and I had kissed him on the lips. It was just a peck and really, really quick, if you ask me… but it was my first kiss, and it was Jacob.
At first I had seen his shocked face but the composed it into a bright smile, and when I had started to apologize he told me not to be worried about it, that it was okay. That was about two months after we moved in. And although, it has passed four years since that day, I could still feel the burning and softness of his lips on mine, despite the fact that they had been join by around three seconds top.
So yeah… if you haven't noticed before I'm head over heels in love with my best friend, who happen to have twenty-three years old, when I'm only six years old.
Not, that I feel six… Hell no! In any way I feel like six years old… A six years old girl DO NOT masturbate thinking how her best friend lips would feel in her neck, while his hands go all over exploring her body… like it was a new land to discover…
Arggggg! Not really helping here, you know?
Well, you started… so don't blame me.
Fucking perfect. Now I'm talking to myself. Just what I needed.
Anyway… so this year was my first year at high school. I started as a junior, since I look like sixteen, maybe seventeen… mom and dad thought it was a good time, since my growing rate had slowed to almost match the growing of a normal human teenager. Dad wanted all of them to come with me to high school – and when I mean all of them… I mean all of them. Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, mom, dad and Jacob. Of course mom had refused by all means to that, saying that I was and actual teenager and it would be just too weird and just plain mean of them to have my parents in high school all the time.
And it was true, so I was thankful when only Jake was enrolled in the school with me. He was starting as a senior – because, really, he could barely pass as one – but he had insisted he wanted to be with me at least the first year, so I would get use to it and didn't feel all lonely at first… though I think it was because he didn't want to be away from me as much as I didn't want to be away from him. Not that I mind much, really.
About five months, we were on our dock and decided to take a swim in the lake. I had no other clothes with me, and there was no way I was going to run all the way back home with wet clothes, even though I had my own heater. So I went in for swim in my underwear. I was left breathless and speechless when I turned around to see a half naked Jake, wearing only dark blue boxers. It was the more beautiful sight I had ever seen, even though he had his back to me.
In that moment the only thing I could think of – apart from the sight before me – was that I could not let him see me staring and drooling him, and the only way I could stop from doing it was if I ran. So I did the first that came into my mind. I ran toward the end of the dock to jump from it to the lake. I was nearing the end of it, when I forgot a broken plank that was in of the dock… and of course, I, being daughter of my mother, had inherited at least some of her clumsiness. And with my luck, it had to come up just in that moment, so I could fall on my back and hit my head pretty hard.
I remember that Jacob had run to my side and lift my head so he could see me. I felt dizzy in that moment, but not precisely because of the knock, but because I was suddenly very aware of Jake's naked chest against my side and his hands, one on the back of my neck, lifting me up, and the other on my waist as he supported me. But above that, what I was even more painfully aware of was of his face mare inches from mine as he spoke anxiously, washing my face with his hot breath.
In that moment, like I had before, I couldn't help it and I kissed him. But unlike before, I was not thirteen anymore. I knew that a kiss could go beyond that just put your lips together with the person you are kissing.
What shocked me, though, was not that I had kissed him… because I knew that someday I would give in just to feel his lips in mine again. No, that did not shock me, at all. It was that Jacob not only had responded to the kiss, but that he also had deepened it. He crushed my body to his and cupped my face in his hands, the swim in the lake long forgotten.
That same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought he was joking or making fun of me because I had kissed him. But one look at his face, told me that he was being dead serious. I said yes, of course. Not caring the age difference, or what mom or dad or any in the family would say.
We told mom and dad the same day, not only because it was almost impossible to keep something from dad – well, not for me at least. I had become a pro at it, since I didn't want him to know every time I thought of Jake – but because I had a very open relationship with my parents and I didn't want to keep something like this from them and of course I didn't want to be hiding out with Jacob… I wanted something serious, something right.
And it did felt right, every single thing about us being together felt right. Every time we touched in any way, every time we kissed, every time we hugged, even the simplest thing as holding hands… it just felt utterly right.
But I could not have sex with him just yet.
I didn't feel… prepared… for it. I didn't feel prepared for him.
I mean, how could I be? He's almost twenty-four years and I was, let's say, seventeen… though mentally I felt like more, but whatever…
He had to have some experience in it. And I… had any. I knew that when we got to do it, I would, err... learn… eventually. And practice makes perfect and all that. But I had my rights to have my fears, hadn't I?
But even though I was scared, I had my own needs. And almost every time Jake and I got, er… intense…– what means some make out with some occasional touching above the belt line from my part – I'd get too worked up. And I know he knows it, we both know it. But we can´t bring ourselves to stop soon enough before it happens.
I had found my ways to release. I'm sure he has too. But we haven't addressed to it yet. We're not in that stage yet. I'm not in that stage yet. I'm sure we're close to it, but not there yet.
So, you can imagine my embarrassment, when all this mess happened. I mean, I was literally moaning and panting Jacob's name when I heard the food steps and then my door close.
"Alice said it'll be a warm, but without sun... it will be fun" Jake had said. He was sitting, legs-extended, on the floor on my room; he's back against the footboard in my bed, while I was laying face down on my bed, playing loosely with his hair as he rested his head on the edge of my bed looking up at me.
"Yeah, a bunch of vampires in a snowball fight should be quite fun," we were near Christmas, and the winter was starting to hit in all its force around here. The night before, a blizzard had taken place near the zone and the repercussions of it had left a big amount of snow to be cleaned. But leave it to a bunch of over hundred years old vampires to want to start a snowball fight before the snow got cleaned – not all of them, mom for instance, still doesn't like the snow, though now it feels warm to her touch, she says it's still wet.
"Hey, I'm a werewolf, not a vampire. I do not stink," he said faking insult and trying to hide a smile. I decided to play along.
"Hmmm… well, I don't know, I guess I should test that myself. We wouldn't want to have a stinky creature here in my bedroom spreading his odor around all my stuffs, now don't we?" I tried to sound nonchalant as I leaned forward and put my nose in Jake's neck and run it all over his throat till I got to the other side of his neck and inhaled deeply.
I could hear Jacob's heart beat faster, almost matching mine, at the time that I could feel his blood pulse through the vein to the side of his neck. I heard him and felt him swallow one and then two times, before I kissed him below the jaw. I retreated slowly, popping my head on my hands.
"Do you approve? To me being in your bedroom?" he asked smirking as he opened his eyes and stared at me. My heart skipped a beat at the real question he was asking me. What should I answer? Of course I did approve him! But should he know just yet?
"Yes… to both of your questions" I looked at his lips as I answered, just to not look at his eyes, he licked his lips and I looked at his eyes just to not look at his lips.
What I found there shocked me for a moment and before I had any time to ponder it he had spoken.
"I love you. So much," he had whispered.
My eyes had gone wide open as my heart almost went out of my chest at that moment.
It was the first time he said it.
But then again, I shouldn't be that shocked… I know about the imprinting, and all that about the soul mates… yet, I feel like this was much bigger than when he said I was his imprint. Maybe it had to be with the fact that a soul mate could be not just a lover or a partner, but a friend for example. But him saying that he loved me… I mean, he had said it ever since I remember, since I was a kid. But this had a whole new connotation to it and… and he had said he loved me. Like love from being in love.
Yes, he said it… and yet you are just there thinking about connotations and soul mates and all that crap, instead of answering to him.
"I don't need you to say it back; I just want you to kno-"
"I love you, too," I said breathless, cutting him off. He looked at me like he was searching something in my face, and then sighed and grinned as though he had found it.
He leaned in and kissed me. Slowly. Softly. Sweetly. Bringing his hand to the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. Then, it was as if hell had set loose; as if we both were trying to put everything we had just said in that kiss. He got to his knees in front of me, as I did too, leaning on to him. He slowly stood up, without breaking the kiss and I pulled him toward me as I lay back at the head of my bed. He obliged with no hesitation and lay beside me on the bed.
I pulled back to breathe, but apparently, his air supply was perfectly intact, for his lips moved toward my neck as his hand run up and down on my arm. I moaned softly as he licked the base of my throat. I reached to the hem of his t-shirt but he stopped me.
"Your parents," he mumbled kissing his way up to my jaw and then to my lips.
"Only Emmett and Rose here," I kissed him "The others... gone," kiss "Snowball fight," he kissed me deeply.
"So they left them to babysat?" he cocked an eyebrow teasingly.
"Until we join them in the fight," I pulled him back to me. He groaned softly as I ran my hand up his back to tangle them on his hair.
"You two better thank God it's us who stayed to babysat. No get your asses down here before I have to drag you myself. Or better yet… before I have to tell Edward and Bella to drag your horny asses out of bed or wherever you are," we both groaned at Rose yelling from downstairs.
Jake looked down at me apologetically and I shook my head caressing his cheek. It's not as if it was his fault. He pulled me to a chaste kiss before get up and offering him hand to me. I took it and stood up.
"You go ahead. I'll catch you guys in a few." I said as we reached the door, loud enough so Emmett and Rose would hear.
"What you're doing?" Jake turned to me and whispered.
"I'm still on my PJ's Jake," I said smiling "And I want to shower."
"Oh… well, we'll wait for you" he said smiling.
"No!... er, I mean, no really. You're going to be in that clear about nine miles from here right?" Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes…
"Yes that's the one," Emmett called from downstairs.
"Well, then I'll catch you up there," I said looking into Jake's confused face.
"Ness, bu-"
"Please?" I asked with doe eyes "Dad will be there and uncle Jasper too. I want to… calm myself… before I go there," I whispered looking down. Jake lifted my face by the chin and caressed my cheek with his knuckles. Then cupped my face in both his hands and kissed me softly.
"I'll wait for you there. Take your time," I nodded and he kissed me one more time before going out the door.
I plopped in my bed and started to the ceiling smiling like a fool for what it felt like a lifetime. How could that man do those things to me, got me all worked up, and just with kisses?
I decided that a shower was on the store for me.
From there on, all had gone down the hill. The shower was really not the right place to think about the way Jake's lips had traveled from my lips to my neck. Or to imagine how they would feel in other places, while his hands made of my body a map to memorize.
I had found myself touching my breast slightly, my fingers caressing one of my nipples and then taking it between my thumb and forefinger. I relished in the sensation, imagining they were Jacob's hands doing it.
My right hand began to travel down my stomach caressing slowly, felling the softness of my skin, the sleekness caused by the water. I jerk it back up when I reached an ultra sensitive spot between my legs. It felt so good, that it scared me for a second.
Okay, calm down. Just breathe… that's it. Good. Now, get out of the shower and go to your bed.
You know, I actually agree with you in that.
Yeah, well… doing what you are about to do must feel more comfortable if you're not standing.
I followed my own advice and got out of the shower wrapping a towel around me and going to my bed in tiptoes; it was silly really, I knew I was alone. I lay in the middle of it and continued where I left. This time, instead of going for that place of pleasure directly as I did before, I did it more softly, caressing it almost.
I tried to imagine how Jacob's fingers would feel down there, teasing me, touching me, loving me. I ever so slowly started to push one finger in my entrance, pushing a little in, then almost all the way out, then in a little more and out almost all the way. By the point it was all the way in, I was panting and my heart was hammering against my chest. Then I did the same adding a second finger. Imagining all the time it were Jacob's fingers doing me that.
I started to move the fingers inside of me. My hips jerked up on their own accord, making the heel of the palm of my hand press my clit, creating the most perfect sensation.
"Oh God!" I moaned in pleasure. It just felt so good. I did it again, but this time with my thumb, moving it in circular motions, applying a little more pressure, at the same time that my fingers moved inside me a little faster.
I thought that at that moment I would faint. I felt a growing pressure built up form my toes till it reached in the pit of my stomach, and I knew I was close to something.
Something big.
I brought the free hand, that was clutched to the sheet, up to knead my breasts; I played with my harden nipples slightly before pinching them, imagining Jacob's teeth as he would do it.
My fingers were moving rapidly, now. Then my middle fingertip hit a secret spot that was, apparently, a key to pleasure.
"Oh God! Jacob!...God yes!... oh, fuck Jake, yes! Yes! Jakeeee!" I moaned hotly as I came hard all over my fingers, coating them with my arousal.
I caressed my entrance as I came down of my high, waiting for my heart and breathing to even out. I could feel a fine layer of sweat in my forehead and my body was trembling slightly. The smell of my arousal was all over the place and for a moment I wondered…
… I drew my fingers up to my mouth to taste my own juices, I knew it was probably gross… but I was curious. I caressed my lips with my fingertips coating them in my wetness, before licking them off and then stuck out my tongue to lick the rest of my juices from my fingers, moaning at the taste, it was oddly salty and yet sweet in some way. I didn't think I would taste like that…
… And just then I had heard a groan.
I jerked my head up to see my door closing and hear retreating footsteps.
Hey, everyone! If you made it till the end I'd like to tell you a few things. First, thank you for reading. I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but RL has been a bit chaotic lately so me posting this is really a bit of a surprise even for me.
Second, I know the story might seem a little threshed, but it's really not. At least, what I have in mind is not, let's see how that turns out. It'll be a short story, but hopefully different.
And last but not least, if you liked it, stay tuned 'cause there's more to come - pun totally intended. Chaper 2 is been corrected as we speak!
See you next time, Nana.