Broken Bonds
Summary; Ron had saved his life, but he had also abandoned him when he needed him most. Harry buries his fury and his hurt, but that doesn't mean it isn't still there.
A/N; This was inspired by the fact that I was so utterly disappointed in Ron for leaving in the seventh book. Honestly, I doubt there were many people who have read the book who weren't. I was also a little disappointed in how Harry handled it, because he just welcomed Ron back with open arms as though nothing had happened. I expected Harry to at least be a little upset.
Anyway, hope you enjoy this one shot.
He hadn't been the one left behind.
He hadn't been the one that had had to listen to Hermione crying, inconsolable over his accusations and his desertion.
He hadn't been there when Harry had visited his parents' graves and discovered his ancestor.
He hadn't been there.
And Harry didn't know what to do about that.
Hermione didn't seem to be having any problem with it. After her initial outburst and subsequent few days spent ignoring his existence she had given every appearance of having gotten over it, though it had taken a few rants to Harry before she could stop sniping at Ron. And after their capture by the Snatchers, their stay at Shell Cottage, the robbery of Gingotts and the Final Battle Ron's abandonment had been all but forgotten.
So why couldn't Harry forget?
It was all over now. Voldemort was dead, the Death Eaters rounded up, and Harry was free to live his life the way he wanted to without a psychotic killer after his blood. Maybe he would talk to Ginny, and perhaps he could finish his education, apply for the Auror program... there was so much he could do, so much to consider, but he wasn't thinking about any of it.
Instead he was sitting in a quiet corner and watching Ron and Hermione, clasping hands. He was so pleased for them and Hermione was practically glowing at the moment as she laughed at something Ginny said. Ron was looking absolutely delirious with joy and so proud, perhaps of the roll he had played.
Damn it, Ron had saved his life, that should be more than equivalent for forgiveness! Harry knew that he should forgive Ron, because the red head was his best mate and Ron had been there at times when no one other than Hermione had been.
But there were times that he hadn't been there, and those stood out more starkly than any other. He hadn't been with Harry and Hermione when they had saved Sirius, he hadn't been there for Harry when he was terrified after his name came out of the goblet (he thought he had let that go, but apparently not)...
And he had left. Just up and left, leaving Harry and Hermione in the middle of nowhere, with no idea where to go next and desolate because he was gone and it was so unlikely that he would ever manage to find him again. Yes, he had come back. Yes, he had saved Harry's life.
But he had left.
And Harry couldn't forgive that, no matter how hard he tried.
It wasn't even just for Hermione. She had been so upset when he had gone, crying for ages and Harry had had to lay there and listen, furious at Ron for doing that to her. Harry listened to her and knew all about how she felt; she had cried and ranted and then gotten over it.
Sometimes Harry had felt like doing the same. Ron hadn't just abandoned the two of them, he had abandoned Harry. He had accused Harry of having no idea what he was doing and left.
But no one had ever asked how he felt, of course not. It was a given that he was upset, naturally, but Hermione loved Ron, so it was only right that she would feel far worse. And when he came back of course Harry would welcome him back with open arms, too relieved that he was back to care that he had been gone.
Perhaps Hermione did feel worse, Harry wouldn't deny that. But it didn't mean that Harry couldn't feel utterly wretched too. And why should it have been inevitable that Harry would forgive Ron when all he felt like doing was screaming at the red head, asking why he had abandoned them, why he had abandoned Harry, why he had lost faith and left...
Why he had lost faith and left Harry with a mission that could have ended in his death.
He couldn't stay here anymore, otherwise his feelings would start to show on his face. Abruptly he looked away and stood up, thankful that for this brief moment no one was paying any attention to him. Only Ginny looked up at the movement and she gave him a small smile before turning back to her mother.
Grateful that she hadn't asked where he was going Harry swept out of the hall. He could feel himself trembling slightly as he dashed down the stairs in the Entrance Hall and through the doorway of the castle, emerging onto the grounds marked by the battle.
He didn't stop until he was by the tree standing tall next to the lake, miraculously still standing with barely a mark on it. Only then did he allow himself to fall to the ground and curl up slightly, shaking from everything that was only now hitting him.
The disastrous move from Privet Drive.
The wedding being attacked.
Breaking into the ministry.
Ron leaving.
Malfoy Manor, Shell Cottage, Gringotts.
Snape's memories, walking to what he had thought would be his death.
Voldemort dying.
So much had happened over the last few months, but Harry had shoved it all away until he was ready to deal with it. He wasn't really ready just now, either, but right now everything was converging on him.
But even above everything else Ron leaving rose. Harry gripped his hair with his hands, gritting his teeth. Why was that the only thing he could think of? Why did that seem worse than anything else that had happened?
Because he just couldn't let it go. He couldn't talk to Ron about it; he'd probably all but forgotten it by now. He couldn't talk to Hermione, who had gotten over it. He couldn't talk to the Weasleys because they would tell him just to forgive Ron. So it was stuck inside him and there was no outlet in which to let it all out.
"Harry?"
Harry jumped violently and uncurled quickly, embarrassed at being caught at such a vulnerable moment. But it was only Hermione, looking down at him in concern, and Harry found he didn't mind it if she saw him looking vulnerable because she had been there when no one else was. He offered her a small smile, not having the energy to pretend he was fine.
"Hey, Hermione," he sighed.
"Are you alright?" Hermione asked, sitting down on the ground next to him.
"Everything's just hitting me at once," Harry said wryly. "Everything that's happened... it's really all over now, isn't it?"
"Yes, you did it," Hermione said with a smile. "Voldemort is gone."
"Yeah..."
They sat in silence for long moments before Hermione turned back to Harry again, a puzzled look in her eyes.
"What's really bothering you?" she asked. "I saw you staring at Ron and I before, though more at Ron than me. Did something happen?"
'Yes, you saw it! He abandoned us!' Harry wanted to shout.
"No," he said instead. "Nothing. I was just thinking."
She gazed at him, a calculating look in her eyes that she got whenever she was trying to figure out a tough puzzle. She was likely adding up everything she knew to come to a conclusion, but she would never guess because she had no idea...
"Ron," she said suddenly. "This is about when Ron left, isn't it?"
Harry stared at her, incredulous. How on earth had she guessed that?
"It's nothing," he repeated uncomfortably, looking away. "It's nothing to worry about anymore, right? As I said, everything is just hitting me now."
"But that's what hurts the most," Hermione said softly. "You pretend you've forgotten but you can't forget how much it hurt and you can't forgive him yet because he left us, he left you, he broke the bonds we thought were holding us together and you're so mad at him. But it's over now, and he expects that you've forgiven him, so you pretend you have."
Slowly Harry looked up at Hermione. In her eyes was understanding.
"I'm sorry, Harry," she said quietly. "I didn't realise... I didn't know that you felt it too."
"I thought... you'd gotten over it," Harry said, surprised. "You seemed fine..."
"As fine as you, you mean?" Hermione pointed out wryly, and Harry flushed. "Everyone expected me to be fine, so I was."
"But it still hurt," Harry said, looking at her intently. "Why didn't you ever...?"
He trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence without somehow accusing her of being uncaring. He knew she cared for him, but why hadn't she ever talked to him, why hadn't she offered an ear to listen?
Perhaps she saw this on his face because she sighed, but didn't look surprised at the questions she could guess. She had let him bottle it all up without thinking to ask him how he felt, and that would probably hurt just as bad.
"How do you feel, Harry?" she asked.
"Don't you mean 'did'?"
"No, how do you feel right now. Obviously you haven't let it go."
"He wasn't supposed to leave," Harry said with a frown, staring out over the lake. "It was supposed to me and you and him and we were going to find the horcruxes and everything was going to be fine."
"He came back," Hermione pointed out.
"But he still left," Harry snapped, suddenly furious. "He left, and why does him coming back seem to make up for that? He couldn't have come back if he hadn't left in the first place!"
"He saved your life."
"Don't think I don't know that," Harry said, his shoulders tensing. "I'm not ungrateful or anything, because I am grateful. But he waltzes back in after he left and saved my life and expects I'm just going to be okay with everything."
"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" Hermione asked.
It suddenly occurred to Harry that Hermione was doing for him what he had done for her what seemed so long ago when she had ranted about Ron and he had been forced to offer calm advice and sooth her. She was pushing her own feelings back, as he had done, to help him.
"It's just... the second time he did it," Harry said, suddenly deflated. "He just left, just like that, as though I wasn't good enough to stick around with anymore or something, just like in fourth year. Yeah, he had a moment of weakness, and maybe the horcrux helped it along, but those feelings were still there and if it hadn't been for the deluminator he would never have found his way back. And then where would we have been?"
"Well, we would have continued on by ourselves and found the horcruxes," Hermione said, shrugging. "Though I'm not sure I would have gotten to you in time to save you."
She sighed, slinging an arm around him and laying her head on his shoulder. For a moment they spent a peaceful moment between them. If Harry could admit it to himself he could sort of see why Ron had been so scared there was something between them; she was his best friend, really, she would do anything for him and he for her, and they had shared things Ron would never be privy to.
"Oi! What are you two doing all the way out here? People were asking where you were, Harry!"
Harry tensed as the familiar voice floated across the grounds, coming closer, destroying the peace. He tried to pull away, not wanting to deal with a jealous Ron, but Hermione held onto him and glared at him before turning her head to look at Ron.
"We're just sitting out here, talking," she said calmly. "About everything that happened."
"Yeah," Harry said, relaxing. "It's all over now."
Ron hesitated and then sat down on the over side of Hermione. He made a movement as though to try and pull and Hermione from Harry but then he stilled and offered a somewhat tense nod and a smile.
"Yeah," he said.
"And it's nice just to get away from everyone for a bit," Harry added. "I didn't even really do anything special; it was just a fluke."
"Maybe, but it was a lucky fluke," Hermione said, grinning.
"I'm just glad everything worked out," Ron said, and then his face fell. "Except for some... like Fred..."
The name of his brother disquieted them for a moment and then Harry shook himself and gently pulled away from Hermione so he could stand up. As much as he hated to admit it the moment was ruined now and he wouldn't mind going back inside as the air cooled.
"Better go face the music," he joked.
"Yeah," said Ron, scrambling to his feet. "We'll be with you, mate."
Harry hated how he doubted that statement, but he didn't say that. Instead he smiled and nodded as Ron began to walk ahead. Hermione slipped her hand in his and stopped him before he could follow.
"It'll get better," she said softly. "Just now your trust is broken, but maybe it will rebuild. I'm here to listen if you need to talk."
"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said, grinning.
She let go of him and ran after Ron. Harry watched her go for a moment and then sighed and followed slowly. Maybe, one day, it would stop hurting so badly.
But until then he would just have to pretend that he was fine.