Hi guys!
So, I was bored, and I thought how funny it was to see all those portraits talk to each other, and I imagined Snape's portrait, and there you go. He's often bored, so he spies to keep busy. At least it's how I see it.
Rating M : he stumbles upon some not-to-be-seen stuff.
Warnings : some smut. Not a lot though. Some language too, I guess.
I thought Bellatrix had to live for this. I love her too much to kill her. She's funny. Crazy funny, but funny nonetheless.
Mmh, English is not my first language, so please forgive all mistakes. My beta didn't read that one so, all mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer : I dunnot own the Harry Potter series, otherwise Bellamione would be a thing.
Ah, yes ! This is a crack!oneshot.
Enjoy!
"Can't you see he's doing it wrong? He's going to … Well." The portrait rolled its eyes when the cauldron exploded. On the other side of the room, the new potion master hurried other and instantly looked if the clumsy boy had any injuries. Thank goodness he didn't.
"I warned you. You bunch of useless-"
"SNAPE!" Came the yelled reply, Draco's hands firmly on his hips. He had taken over the position five years ago, and he still didn't like the former headmaster and professor criticizing everything. The portrait frowned at being scolded like that, and huffed. He had become less intimidating since his death.
"Fine! Let them burn the room, I don't care." He acted more like a petulant child than anything, having the worst tantrums at most inappropriate times. He huffed again when Draco ignored him, and left the frame. He did that, too, a lot. What he loved most was creeping up on people when they least except it. It almost made him laugh; because Snape didn't laugh. Ever.
He regained his portrait in the Headmaster's quarters, taking his place with all the others. Minerva was asleep on the desk, and he rolled his eyes again.
"Jesus, woman, a school doesn't run itself, now does it?" The woman woke up, startled, and she sighed.
"Draco kicked you out of the dungeons again?" She was tired of everything, tonight.
"He didn't kick me out, I left." He crossed his arms, looking rather intimidating, this time.
It was Dumbledore's time to laugh. "You drama queen."
Minerva smiled, while Snape scoffed, filled with indignation. "How dare you, Albus. You're the one always playing games."
And at that, every portrait agreed. Dumbledore just smiled, and shrugged, taking a chocolate frog like nothing happened.
"Still, Severus, you really should let the young Malfoy do his job. Would you like having someone on your back constantly? And I thought you liked the boy, anyway?"
The portrait frowned, while all the others agreed once again. Really, they didn't have any personality, if you'd ask him. "He just doesn't seem to do it right!"
Minerva stared, unconvinced. "He's just as good as you, minus the creepy part."
"Did you just say I am creepy?" He gave her his most effective glare, which just set Dumbledore laughing again.
"She has a point, Severus. You have a creepy side. Always trying to scare people by showing up unexpected." He nodded just to reaffirm his words, and Snape scoffed once again.
"You're just jealous of my swagger."
"Sure we are, Sevy!" Came the sudden sentence, accompanied with a cackle.
All eyes turned against the intruder, but it didn't throw the newly arrived woman off at all. "Oh come on Sevy, you're insufferable, always complaining about this or that, him or her. Just get over yourself already!" And she laughed again, crazed as usual.
"Go to hell, Trix. I have to keep busy. You don't know what it's like to be confined in those things all day. Especially now that they banished me from Slytherin's common room. I'm just so bored." He sighed suddenly, and sat down in his chair.
"Oh, you poor thing." She was sarcastic, and he almost stuck his tongue out. But no. That would be childish.
"You're lucky you're crazy, Trix."
She laughed, once again. Boy was he right. Totally mental, she was.
"Anyway. Minnie dear, came to tell you I might have destroyed half the D.A.D.A class." She grimaced a little bit, having at least the decency of faking regret.
The Headmistress sighed, while the portraits smiled knowingly. "What did you do again, Bella?"
The crazy woman had the credit to look sorry. "I forgot to close the chest. Some, well, imps, went a little bit crazy" that made her laugh, of course "and I had to take extreme measures to get them back into the box." She smiled, innocently. Sure she was.
"What …. Never mind. What did you break?" The older woman was already starting to rub her temples. She really didn't need that now.
"A wall. And half the tables. Some closets, cabinets, as well." She crossed her legs while standing, in an absolute childish manner.
"Classic Trixie." The portrait said, and Bellatrix glared at Snape, making him huff. "I can't even talk now, that's it?" he asked, annoyed.
She didn't answer, just turning to smile at Minerva again. "Very well, I'll ask the elves to take care of it."
The lunatic nearly jumped in victory, but refrained herself, biting her lip. "Thanks, Minnie. I'll get going now. Still gotta destr- … Nothing." She smiled, sheepishly, and turned on her heels.
"Bella?" Minerva stopped her, and the woman looked at her over her shoulder.
"Yes, Minnie?"
"Please try not to destroy the school anymore. I still get jokes from the Ministry about last time."
Bellatrix nodded, and left, laughing in a high pitched voice that made the portraits cringe.
"She really is mental, isn't she?" One on the former headmasters asked, and the others agreed. "Why did you give her the position, again?"
"Because the last three D.A.D.A teachers left screaming, and she is the only one crazy enough to take the position. Thank God Molly wasn't strong enough to end her. Though I guess damaging her brain a little bit more wasn't that great. Still, now she's good crazy." Minerva sighed, finally going through some papers in front of her.
"Good crazy?" Snape said, quirking his brow.
"Oh shut up Severus, you know what I mean. At least now she doesn't try to kill everyone on sight while shouting her filthy mudblood nonsense."
The portrait rolled his eyes. "Maybe, but now she's scaring students for life while having her way with the know-it-all on her desk at inappropriate times."
"And how would you know that, I wonder, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, a knowing smile on his lips.
The former professor blushed slightly, and scoffed, standing up. "You're annoying me, all of you." And he made his way out of the portrait, draping his robes around him.
"Such a drama queen." One on the former headmasters said, while all the others agreed.
"Indeed" Minerva laughed.
"Ah! I knew it!" the portrait whispered from his spot, near the entrance of the D.A.D.A's teaching room. Nobody knew he had a portrait there, except for the others in the Headmaster's chambers, and more often than not, people forgot there even was a frame here.
Below, in the room, was the muggle-born know-it-all Granger, prompted up a desk, legs spread wide, the crazy standing between them. Without any sense of shame — he had to keep busy after all — the former professor, watched, eyebrows quirked up. He crossed his arms and settled in his armchair, enjoying the view — though he would NEVER admit it.
Both women were moaning, Granger's skirt ridded up on her hips, her undergarments thrown somewhere in the room. The lunatic's fingers were working their magic, rapidly making the younger woman cry out in ecstasy, grinding herself onto her lover's hand. She was panting, kissing the other's woman lips for all she was worth, swallowing her moans. Seconds later, the muggle-born stilled, and came in a silent scream, while Bella was busy biting her neck, and marking her.
The class' door opened, startling Snape, and he smiled suddenly, wickedly, while the student stopped dead in his tracks. He coughed, and tried to turn around and leave, just to be interrupted by Severus' voice.
"Here you go, scaring yet another poor fellow. Miss Granger, you should be ashamed of yourself." He laughed, this time, or it did sound like a laugh. Nothing like Bella's laugh, though, cackling like crazy (no shit) as she was pushed aside by a very embarrassed Hermione, who tried to look decent without managing it.
"Every time, Bella!" She hissed at her lover, before leaving as fast as her legs could carry her. Snape smirked as the student retreated, living the portrait and the crazy teacher alone in the class, the former still laughing in that terrible high pitched laugh.
"Really, Sevy, you should stop spying on others, it's unhealthy." She couldn't stop laughing, though, remembering the look of utter embarrassment on her lover's face.
"But it's so entertaining, Trixie." He replied, still smirking.
"I bet. Though it's not because you didn't get laid very often you should watch others do it." She turned to face him, winking while smiling wickedly.
"You … Tsk!" He stood up, frowning.
"You really are a drama queen, Sevy. Come on, stop pouting, it's unbecoming of you." She laughed again and he scowled, getting irritated by the second.
"Stop shagging miss Granger on your desk!" Came the hissed replied.
"Like you care. It makes you laugh to see the student faces when they stumble upon us, I heard you." She winked again.
"If you tell anyone about this…" He threatened, looking dangerous, like he used to. She just laughed at his face.
"Of course I won't Sevy, I don't want to spoil your fun. Though I'm not sure I'll take her again anytime soon." She seemed thoughtful, suddenly, which was always a strange sight.
"What, she takes sex away to punish you?" He sassed, eyebrow quirked. She simply shrugged.
"Sex on desks, anyway. She likes my fingers too much to banish me from our bed." She smiled widely, crazy, again, and he rolled his eyes. He did not need to know that.
"Don't you have other places to spy on, Sevy? I'm pretty sure I heard an explosion earlier in the dungeons." She cackled, watching him leave suddenly the portrait.
"They never should have given you the job, Malfoy." He said.
The actual professor rolled his eyes, while tending at the mess. "Come on, Snape, like it never happened to you."
The portrait just sighed. "It didn't."
"Liar."
"I dunnot lie, Malfoy!"
"Right. I was here during Longbottom's masterstrokes, you know."
"Tsk." He was pouting, now.
"You know, you used to be scary. Now you just look like a child."
The man scoffed, turning in his heels.
"Oh, where are you going?" Malfoy smiled, happy with his accomplishment.
"Other places to be." Came the muffled response, the portrait now empty.
"He so needs to stop spy on everybody. Such a drama queen. And a gossipy, at that."
"Oh come on, not you too?" He almost whined. But Snape didn't whine. Ever.
"Sorry, Sevy, she said she won't touch me again if I leave you up here." Bella smiled, not even sorry. It amused her, at worst.
"But! You were the most entertaining of all! All those scared children, all the destruction. Speaking of which, what happened to the wall? I thought Minerva had fixed it."
Bellatrix just smiled and shrugged. "Didn't do it on purpose."
"I think she might kill you. What happened 'last time' anyway?"
The lunatic cackled suddenly, startling him. "Oh Jesus Bellatrix, at least control your brain!"
She glared for a second, all laughter dying in her throat. "Don't be mean, Sevy."
He rolled his eyes. "So, tell me. What did happen?"
"I might have destroyed the Slytherin's tower."
"WHAT?!" He yelled. "How was I not aware of that? How? When? Why? HOW?"
"Don't get your panties in a twist, now. I was upset."
"Upset? And so when you're upset you destroy things? Why the Slytherin's? Why not Gryffondor's, for God's sake?"
"Well, Hermione was mad, we got caught by the old man. She was soooo embarrassed. You should have seen her face, I swear." He smiled too, imagining, but suddenly scowled once again. "Anyway, she kicked me out of the bed, and send me away. So I went to the common room to chill, you know. And that bloody spider was laughing at me. You know me, I don't like being laughed at. I tried to kill her, to teach her manners, but she kept escaping, and, well. I just blow holes in the walls. Killed that thing for sure!" The worst part was that she was proud of it. Of course she was. Crazy woman.
He wanted to face palm. He couldn't believe it. Destroying walls because of a bloody spider. "Trix. You really need to keep the crazy down a bit, for your own good."
"I know." She smiled, though. "Where to put you … Oh! I know!" She started running with the frame, totally unaffected by his complains at being transported so carelessly. Suddenly, she stopped in front of a door, and opened it, revealing a closet with brooms and buckets. "You'll be fine in here."
"Trix, don't you dare!" He screamed, while being hanged on the wall. She smiled again, and closed the door, laughing.
"Stop pouting, Severus."
He was in the Headmaster's quarter again, and hadn't said a word since he got there. Through the portrait network, all the others knew why he was so upset.
"I'm sure she didn't mean to put you in that closet."
"Of course she did." He mumbled, arms crossed on his chest.
"Now, stop, Severus. Please. It's your fault, too. Miss Granger was rather upset you saw … that." Minerva couldn't help but smile. The face of her former student had been priceless.
"Nobody is forcing them to have sex in public places. I can't believe you don't even take measures! Think about the students! Do you think it's healthy for them to see both of their teachers like that?" He was annoyed, to say the least.
"Well they know better than to walk in without knocking. It's not like it's the first time it happens. Prefects warn the first years every year, Severus." Dumbledore said wisely. He was also terribly amused by the situation.
The former professor still huffed. "It doesn't mean she had the right to take my portrait down; and to a closet!"
"She's crazy, Severus. You can't expect her to make much sense, now can you?" Minerva said, quirking a brow. She had a point.
"She's getting off the hook way too easily." True.
"F-Fuck, Bella!"
He rolled his eyes. "Again? Seriously? Do you EVER stop shagging?"
Hermione yelped, and tried to cover herself, turning to glare at Severus, while Bellatrix laughed once again. "Sevy, I told you to stop spying!"
"Whatever. I can be in my class if I want to. Wait. Why are you … How … YOU'RE SHAGGING ON MY DESK?" He was mad now, and Hermione hided behind Bella, frowning.
"Not your desk anymore, Sevy."
"Snape, who are you bothering a- … AUNTIE BELLA?" Draco stopped dead in his tracks, and closed his eyes, embarrassed, while Granger's face turned a whole new shade of red. She wished she could dig a hole and bury herself in it. "Auntie Bella, why … Why on my desk? Did it happen before? Of course it did. How many times?"
Now Severus was openly laughing, while pointing at the two, especially Hermione, how couldn't be more embarrassed.
"Why, it happened a few times, no need to cry over it, Jesus. You're both so close-minded."
"Granger, how is it you can't even control her? Uh?" She had the time to get dressed again, and Draco was watching her, annoyed.
"Well, I … I …"
"Oh don't bother Miss Granger, we all know she just has to touch you and you're putty in her hands." Severus said laughing.
"Shut up you!" They all yelled together, Bellatrix for once trying to help out her lover. She did not want to sleep on the couch again.
The portrait scoffed, once again, and pouted, mumbling something about not being about to talk in his own class, and how dared they talk to him like that, and so on.
"I … We'll just go …" Hermione mumbled finally, grabbing her lover's wrist and forcing her toward the door. "Sorry, Draco." She whispered, embarrassed once again, now running towards the door.
"Damn." Draco sat down on a desk, eyeing his with disgust. "I did not need to know that."
"Neither did I."
"What, you never caught them before?"
"No."
"You're loosing your game, old man." Malfoy laughed suddenly, and the portrait scoffed.
"Whatever." He grumbled, leaving the frame.
"Drama queen."
Whataya think ? I'm more used to writing angsy depressing stuff but I thought, why not?
Please review, whether you liked it or not!
Oh, I'm quite bored, even though I got my other fanfic to write, so I'll take prompts. Just MP if you want.