AN - This story came to me when I should have been doing other things... but refused to go away until I'd written it down. It is just a little one shot, of how I think the conversation between Tonks and Remus should have gone - if he wasn't pretending not to understand her. I may develop it at some point, see if I can get from here to him leaving to live with the werewolves. Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading :-)
Let me be Dora
"You'd know perfectly well who I've fallen for, if you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice."
As soon as the dawn light broke and their shift for the order was officially over, Tonks disapparated. She couldn't bring herself to look at Remus, to pretend that she hadn't just basically blurted out that she fancied him, that she'd fallen for him. He was so stoic, so sensible, and so damned frustrating.
They had said nothing to each other after her little blow up, the pair had remained tight lipped through the rest of the sodding assignment. She supposed that to someone unfamiliar with the easy banter she and Remus usually shared during order missions, it could have looked as if they were just being vigilant, focusing on the job at hand, but for her it hadn't felt normal, like she was just doing her job, it had felt like torture.
Walking round the corner to her drab little flat, the drab little flat which she usually adored and was very proud of, she couldn't even muster up enough feelings, aside from the ones that were busy being so furious with Remus and pissed off at herself, to feel grateful that they had once again come through another order mission unharmed.
She could curse Moody sometimes, the extra levels of spells and enchantments he had placed upon the door to her flat were, at best annoying and at the moment bloody ridiculous. All Tonks wanted to do was to get into her shitty little flat, and sink into a steaming hot bath and hope, beyond all hope that when she got out, all her thoughts and silly little girly dreams about Remus would just be drained down the plug hole with the filthy water.
So lost was she in mix of self-resentment and anger towards a man that she was trying not to care for so damned much, that it was only her intense Auror training and Moody's voice in her head that alerted her to the familiar little 'pop' suggesting that someone was just outside her front door.
It had to be an order Member or one of her parents, only they could apparate right to her front door. She didn't care who it was anyway, probably just Remus coming to admonish her for not following protocol and disapparating alone before debriefing. What was there to debrief? I fancy you; you are repulsed by me… even through the depressive thoughts, the idea that it could be Remus Lupin that was now gently tapping on her door made her heart jump a little.
She'd always suspected she had traitorous Heart!
"Tonks, it's Remus."
Her heart seemed to flutter and her stomach dropped at the same time. Her body couldn't decide whether she was delighted to hear Remus' beautiful melodic voice sweeping through her door, or whether she wanted to run into her bedroom, lock the door and hide under her duvet until he disapparated away again.
"What was the first face I ever metamorphosed into in your presence?" She hoped the security question, something she was not usually very good at remembering to ask when Remus was at her door, would give her enough time to decide whether to fight or flight.
From outside her front door, Tonks heard a little chuckle before Remus responded, "I believe that was Professor Snape, quite a scare it gave me to."
After a pause, during which it must have been clear to Remus that she was not rushing to open the door he added, "Just let me in Dora, please."
That made her heart sore, that one word from Remus' lips and now her whole body had aligned itself with her traitorous heart. She'd been called many things in her life, had hundreds of different nicknames, and her family regularly called her the same thing; but nothing could compare to the nickname that he used for her so rarely, when they were alone and it seemed, when they were at their most intimate, sharing a new detail of their life with the other, a secret that no one else knew. Hearing 'Dora' floating from Remus Lupin's lips, she was unlocking the door in an instant.
888
Remus Lupin was not a coward, he'd seen a lot in his 3 and half decades on earth and he was proud to say that for the most part, he'd been able to stand up for what he believed in and fight.
However, this was a whole new kind of fight, and if he was honest with himself, Remus wasn't quite sure he had it in him to fight this time. He knew, or at least his conscious kept informing him that he shouldn't be here, that what he should have chosen was 'flight', he should have run away from Tonks as fast as he could, placed a distance between them that would allow her to move on and him to wither away alone, as had always been his life plan. So why was he at Tonks front door? Pleading for her to let him in?
He knew the answer; he'd known it for a long time. For many many months now his conscious had done a great job at reminding him at just the right moment that he was supposed to be keeping his distance from this beautiful, clever, witty, engaging, sexy, caring, (the list went on and on) witch. He'd made sure to keep things light between them and if they'd stepped across the friendship line and danced with flirting on the odd occasion he had convinced himself that it was just friendly banter and it meant nothing to Tonks, even if it meant a great deal to him.
Whilst he could persuade himself that was true, his conscious had won every fight, Tonks didn't care for him the way he cared for Dora. All the time Remus had believed that she was destined to fall in love with some handsome ministry worker who would be able to give her the life she truly deserved, his resolve had been easy to hold firmly in place, he could keep Tonks and his Dora separate in his mind, the few times he'd slipped and allowed himself to think of her as Dora, even to call her Dora, was when he'd felt most vulnerable and he had to work quickly to mask the deep longing in his eyes and in his heart every time.
That was where the problem lay, he could run away from Tonks, the clever, witty witch he'd become good friends with over the past year, he could hide himself away from her. He shook his head at his own lack of resolve, his heart knew and his conscious finally had to concede, he could never walk away from Dora.
"Just let me in Dora, please."
The door swung open and his breath caught when he saw her, his Dora, standing mere inches away from him. Could she really…? Had she really meant what he thought…? He hated himself for not being a stronger man, capable of simply disapparating back to Grimmauld Place and forgetting that she'd said anything. But as much as he tried to convince himself that he'd been mistaken, he knew exactly what she'd meant, and his heart was over joyed. Nobody had ever fallen for Remus Lupin before, and he'd never allowed himself to believe he could fall for anyone.
"I don't feel sorry for myself…" He didn't know what to call her, it seemed like now was the moment to decide, she either had to remain forever Tonks, or he could allow his heart its one wish, and make her forever Dora. For now he used neither.
"I was busy feeling sorry for you." The look of confusion and hurt in her eyes pained him and forced him to continue. He stepped forward, and before his conscious had given him permission, he stroked a curl of her red hair across her cheek and behind her ear. "You deserve so much more than I could ever give you Dora."
Decision made.
888
As Remus' hand gently caressed her cheek, tucking a red curl behind her ear, her hair slowly softened from an angry red into a delirious pink. She wasn't sure she had the mental capabilities of processing language whilst Remus Lupin was touching her, standing this close without automatically jumping back or purposely moving himself away from her.
She'd endured months of a friendship that she was sure at times stepped across the line into something…more. Yet it seemed that the moment that happened Remus took a humungous leap backwards and dragged her along with him; but not this time, she simply wouldn't allow it.
What had he just said? He felt sorry for her? She took his hand and pulled him gently into her flat, closing the door behind them. She was plopped down on her sofa, when she saw that he was still stood just by her door, as if wondering whether he should flee while he still had the chance.
"Remus… please."
His resolve seemed to have dissipated tonight; he walked slowly towards her, taking off his travelling cloak, folding it neatly and laying it on her coffee table. Then he sat down on her saggy couch, in the corner furthest from her, but turned towards her and placed one of his hands on top of her own.
Tonks mouth suddenly felt so dry she couldn't swallow, let alone form a coherent sentence. She placed her free hand atop his and gently stroked his knuckles with her thumb.
"You've already given me so much Remus." She stated hesitantly, scared he would bolt from her tiny flat at any moment, "We may not, either of us be what the other deserves, but you're all I truly want Remus."
Remus seemed to have stopped breathing, he'd also managed to move a little closer to Tonks, both now in the middle of her couch, their knees touching, hands still entwined.
"Remus, please say something…"
Remus finally met her eyes, she could see warmth and the tiniest shred of hope floating in them, but he was still holding back.
"I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that Dora but; you can't, we… I'm so old and…" Tonks cut him off.
With uncertainty in her voice she asked, "Am I too young for you Remus? I know I'm garish and I can be a little silly, a bit immature, but I can…"
Remus was shaking his head vehemently; he placed his palm flat on her check, cupping her face. "No, Dora, listen to me, none of this is about you, it's about what I am, who I am. You could have so much more than ridiculously old, ridiculously poor me.
"I don't want more. I want you." Tonks was leaning in, she wanted to feel his lips press against her own, to seal the feelings they were both expressing.
Remus jumped back.
"Dora; Tonks, I should go…" Tonks seized his hand, wrapping it in both of hers and pulling them towards her heart.
"Remus, don't." He always did this. In the hundreds of evenings they'd spent together at Grimmauld place over the past year, he'd only called her Dora a handful of times. But it was those times that had been the most intimate, when they'd somehow ended up curled up on the sofa reading in front of the fire and she'd fallen asleep on his shoulder, she'd woke to him whispering that name. When he'd told her one evening what had happened when Sirius was arrested and Lily and James were gone, he'd called her that name. When she'd confided in him her fears and insecurities about being a metamorphmagus and never truly feeling like herself around anyone he'd used that name but afterward he would always pull away from her again, by the end of the evening she would always be back to being plain old Tonks.
"Please Remus, don't do that. Don't call me Tonks. Just let me be Dora. Let me be your Dora."
888
"Just let me be Dora. Let me be your Dora."
The sentence was being played on loop by his heart, he'd never felt so happy. Never lost his entire resolve because of one simple plea before; she wanted to be his Dora. How could he refuse two hearts that wanted the same thing. He could no longer deny it, no longer keep her at a safe distance, she'd asked him to allow the one thing he truly wanted in the world.
"Let me be your Dora."
And so, in a blur of happiness and elation, and with uncharacteristically very little forethought he had gently captured her lips with his own.
His Dora.
The kiss was euphoric; his lips tingled with an excitement he had never felt. Remus Lupin was in love. He was kissing the woman he loved. His heart felt as though it might burst, so full to the brim was it with love and happiness and elation and hope for a future – all the things he had starved it of for so many years.
His hands swept along her neck and up into her hair as the kiss deepened, he could hear her happy gasps now as he broke the long kiss and instead trailed little kisses along her collar bone and up her neck to her ear.
"My Dora." He whispered into her ear.
He felt her smile as she returned his kisses onto his own neck, up to his ear, before whispering,
"Forever."
Remus wasn't sure if his body was made for this, if it could contain so much pure joy after so many years of desolation and destitution. Yet having Dora in his arms, her hands roaming in his hair, seemed to be erasing those years of desolation until they were just a small black hole in the back of his mind somewhere, surrounded by the bright sunshine that Dora had bought into his life.
"I'll do anything for you Dora," he gapsed in between quick chaste kisses and long deep ones, "Anything I can to make you happy."
Tonks pulled away, keeping her hands firmly on his chest. The smile she gave him was enough to keep him warm for the next 50 winters, even if there were a hundred dementors around. Placing her hand on his cheek, she gave him a quick chaste kiss before pulling back once more.
"Just let me keep being your Dora, that's all I need."
FIN.
AN - I'd love to know your thoughts, love it? loathe it? Let me know :-)