SPOILERS for S03E07!
Lonely.
She had never felt so lonely in her life.
Going home to an empty house never bothered her before. She liked to be alone but... Oliver pushed her away. Told Carrie Cutter he couldn't be with anyone. She had called him a liar.
Ray kissed her but hadn't said a word besides work related business all day. Avoided her, really.
So when she got home from Verdant she took her shoes off; headed straight to her kitchen, grabbed a bottle of wine that was three quarters full and went straight to her bathroom not bothering with a glass.
Today was a drink-from-the-damn-bottle day.
The bath relaxed her muscles but the wine obliterated her control. When the tears began and she stopped trying to stop crying her sobs reverberated through her bathroom.
She fell asleep crying and drunk.
The next day was much the same but this time Oliver kept his distance as well. When she heard Diggle ask him and Roy if they were on for dinner with Lyla at his place again her heart clenched in pain and hammered against her chest.
Again?!
What about her? Why wasn't she invited?
The next second John asked her if she wanted to join them. She turned around and her eyes caught Oliver's. He seemed scared to hear her answer.
"No."
Her voice trembled and God forgive she wanted to go but Oliver's face just...
"Felicity?"
She turned to face her computers again ignoring John's worried tone.
"Come on. Lyla is a great cook and I'm not so bad either."
"Sorry but the answer is still no."
She couldn't stop her voice from trembling.
Please, please stop.
"Why?"
It was Oliver who asked and tears immediately started to cloud her vision.
Diggle sat on her desk facing her and froze when he caught her eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're crying. It's not nothing."
"I said it's nothing and if I say it's nothing then it's nothing!"
Maybe her loud voice wasn't needed but she just wanted to be with people. She needed to be with people she considered family and they were it.
All noise stopped in the foundry. Roy who was training turned around.
"Easy, Blondie. We get it. We don't make good company."
It was said with a smile. She knew he was joking but...
A sob escaped her mouth; her tears finally ran down her cheeks and all hell broke loose because all of her boys came up to her with worried faces and reassuring words and touches and the more they said and the more they caressed her shoulders and back the more she cried. Gut wrenching; that is what they called these sobs.
She just wanted the ground to swallow her whole. She didn't want to have a breakdown in front of them!
She started cleaning her tears with her hands.
"Let me talk to her."
Oliver whispered.
Her hand shot to Diggle's wrist.
"I need to talk to John."
She couldn't see Oliver's face but by the way his steps sounded he was furious. Roy followed after him.
"Please don't ask me again."
When Diggle began to interrupt she squeezed his wrist.
"Listen. Don't ask me again. He found a way to cope with the choices we both made. I'll find mine but not at the expense of his. He needs it. As you said, it messed with his head and if that happens I might get him back like Sara. I'll be miserable a million times over before I take that away from him."
"Miserable?"
"The only thing I have when I get home is darkness and silence."
John's hand cleaned a few of her tears.
"Then come have dinner. He wants you there. We all want you there."
"He'll get uncomfortable with me there and he'll stop going. You know he will. He needs it!"
The silence stretched for seconds before John spoke again.
"You need this too if what just happened is any indication, Felicity. Why are you doing this?"
"Because I love him."
And at that John hoisted her up from her chair, grabbed her purse and pushed her up the stairs (completely ignoring both Oliver and Roy) and headed straight to his house where dinner awaited. Sara would do her some good too.