I gazed dully up at him as I struggled to achieve the same iron mask of indifference that he wore so effortlessly. I knew I was failing. Miserably. The world was shrinking—my vision blurring, the ground tipping, the air constricting and choking me. It took my oxygen-deprived brain a few seconds to register that he was no longer standing before me. He was gone, running through the trees away from me.

No, not gone. That's stupid! I swallowed and blinked rapidly. My heart knew he would never, ever leave, but my brain was telling me something different. Like a drowning man, I reached out for any explanation, any thread of comfort.

It's just a game, my mind fed me. It's just a game. I exhaled in relief. No need to worry. Hm. What game might we be playing? Hide and seek. Yes, that's it. He's hiding, and I'm to find him. I'm the seeker. Haha. Like in Harry Potter.

I laughed breathlessly as I ran among the trees, pausing, tracking back, and pretending to walk like a vampire. Stealth was the key—I must try to catch him by surprise.

I heard a twig break, and a tree branch creak. There! It had come from up a particularly imposing tree. I dropped to my hands and knees, crawling noiselessly to base of the trunk. Slowly, oh so slowly, I grasped the lowest branch and hoisted myself up. I painstakingly climbed, now a hunter, intent on my prize. Perched on the last branch large enough to hold me, I glanced towards the end of my branch. There he was--a shadow. It moved! Found you! I leapt out, arms extended, fully expecting him to catch me; there was not a doubt in my mind. But my scratched, numb arms closed around air. I hate air. Air is where he isn't. Then I was falling, tumbling to the ground. I've always wanted to skydive. The tree hadn't been as tall as I'd thought. With a thump I landed on the forest floor, the breath knocked painfully out of me.

Ok. Deep, choking breath. Ok. So maybe not hide and seek. As I lowered myself to my knees to think of what other games we might possibly be playing, I stupidly allowed the thought that I had been pushing back to rise to the surface of my mind.

This is no game.

For a split second my guard was down. Despair overpowered every emotion, bubbling up from my heart, out of my mouth in a silent, anguished scream.

Then, like one of those corny romance movies, the ones we used to laugh at, it started to rain. As I stared up into the rain, I imagined each drop beating me to the ground, shattering me into thousands of pieces—not an unwelcome concept. The raindrops felt like knives. I teetered, then toppled on my side, lying completely relaxed in the soft evergreen covered ground. Broken.

Now, Two hours later, I sit alone in the woods. The trees seem so big. My arms are wrapped around my torso in my version of his iron mask. And in that stance I begin the waiting game.