Song fic, I listened to this song whilst reading another fic about the whole D/L thing after Ruben died and it just fit.

Song: Hurt by Christina Aguilera

I do not own CSI, Lindsay, Danny, Christina or Hurt.

Hurt

Danny was sat in his window, the cold, wintery, New York breeze blowing across his entire body, he didn't feel it though. All he could feel was the unfamiliar scratch in the back of his throat as he inhaled the smoke from one of the cigarettes he had kept hold of when he gave up two years ago. As he exhaled he watched the smoke go out into the atmosphere, dancing in the wind, releasing a cough. She'd hated the smell of smoke, that's why he gave up. Just the thought of her entering his mind made him stub it out, but he didn't move. From one of the apartments downstairs he could hear music.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

His thoughts drifted back to Lindsay, back to the day his whole life was turned upside down. The day Ruben died.

He'd only found out when walking past the morgue with Mac, he just saw them wheeling his tiny lifeless body in there. He couldn't believe it to begin with, there were loads of kids out there who looked like him. It wasn't him. It couldn't be. He'd watched him ride his bike round the corner to go home; he was fine, sat at home with his mum. Then he heard Sid say how they'd found a bike with him. No, it still wasn't him, every kid had a bike. Sid continued, the bike said Ruben on it. NO, it wasn't him, it couldn't be! He screamed out his name and Mac pulled him away and took him to his office. Danny couldn't help but sit there, silent. How was he going to tell Rikki that Ruben had died, because of him? Just then Lindsay came in, Mac was behind her, he waited outside whilst Lindsay came in to comfort the distraught man. She hugged him, but he didn't feel her, didn't feel anything. He didn't cry, he didn't speak; he just continued to sit there in silence.

"I have to go and tell Rikki." He said standing up.

"No Danny, someone else can do it."

"No, I want to tell her, I should tell her." He repeated; adamant in his request.

"Danny, I'm proud of you, you know, for doing this, for telling her yourself."

He didn't acknowledge her, he just walked away.

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done


Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I
know you won't be there

He came out of his flashback, back to the cold in front of his window, still feeling nothing, just like he had that day on the couch. How he longed to feel again, anything, even pain, sorrow, anger, anything but he self loathing he had felt since that day. He longed for Lindsay, longed to hold her, to hear her speak. He'd lost count of the number of times he'd sat with his phone, thumb hovering over the call button, lost in is thoughts, he never pressed it. There was no point anyway, she'd never answer, not to him; she loathed him as much as he loathed himself. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, to thank her for being there for him when he needed it the most and to say that he forgave her for not knowing what to say. All he wanted was to take her pain away, the pain he had caused.

I'm sorry for blaming you for
everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

His minded wandered again, back to the last day he'd spoke to Lindsay

There was a knock at Danny's door, he hadn't left the apartment in days, empty bottles of alcohol and cartons from takeaways cluttered his once neat living room. He stood to answer the door; upon opening it he saw two familiar brown eyes.

"Hey", he simply said

"Hi Danny, How are you doing?"

"Not good"

"I can see."

"I'm sorry Linds, but why are you here" he said, slight anger in his voice.

"Why am I here..." she replied frustrated, "... I haven't heard anything for weeks, none of us have. We're worried about you."

"Well you shouldn't worry; I can take care of myself."

"It doesn't look that way to me."

"Look Lindsay, I can't do this now." His voice was rising in volume.

"Do what? Talk to me? You can't talk to me?" She mirrored the tone of her voice to his.

"I can't talk to anyone! Don't you get it; I just want to be alone!" The volume of his voice now so loud that the neighbours.



"Fine, have it your way Danny, wallow in self pity, don't let anyone in."

"You can talk, you did the same thing; you wouldn't let me in!"

"That's completely different and you know it!" Lindsay couldn't take it anymore, she snapped.

"Why, cos it's you?"

"You bastard, you know it's different. I didn't hole myself up in my apartment for weeks on end, risking my job, pushing everyone away!"

"I don't care anymore, about my job, my friends, and definitely not you!"

"Fine, goodbye Danny." With that she was gone, walking down the hall, she heard a slam behind her and tears began to fall down her cheeks.

Inside Danny leant with his back against the door he had previously slammed; he could hear her whimpering outside, because of him. He began to slide down the door, tears streaming down his face, he'd done the one thing he'd promised himself he wouldn't do, hurt her and he hated himself for it.


Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say
goodbye when it comes to this

Again, his flashback ended and he was back at that window, the cold air blowing in his face. He knew he had to see her, but he was scared, scared that he'd pushed her to far, scared that she'd return the favour, scared that she'd tell him what a worthless piece of shit he was. So he stayed in his apartment, missing her more every day, afraid that if he saw her again, it would be the goodbye for good.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

His thumb hovered in a familiar place on his phone, just like it had so many times before, but this time was different, this time he pressed the call button. He hoped and prayed that she would answer.

"Monroe" She answered, sleepily. In her sleepy state she obviously hadn't looked at the caller display.



"Lindsay"

"Danny, it's you, I don't want to talk to you."

"Wait Lindsay, Please. I need to talk to you."

"Fine, What?"

"I'm sorry, for everything, for pushing you, for blaming you, for... for hurting you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel any better?"

"No, I know no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry it doesn't erase what I've done. I just needed to know that you knew I was sorry. And I am, truly sorry."

"Is that it?"

"No, Please Linds, give me one more chance, I'd do anything for one more chance. I need your help Linds. I can't get out of this; I don't understand the things in my head right now. I know you're the only one that can help me out of this. I need you to tell me I was wrong, I need you to tell me that you don't hate me."

"Danny, I don't hate you, and yes, you were wrong and I want to help you, but you won't let me in."

"I will, Linds, please."

Tears were welling up in both their eyes.

"Do you know what helped me, after the trial?"

"No, what?"

"You did Danny; you helped me by being there. You were my rock. You gave me the courage to stand in that courtroom and put that man away. You were there to comfort me afterwards and I at least want to do the same for you."

"Please Linds, can I come over? I want to see your eyes, and see you look back without hate in them."

"Sure, I'll see you in a minute."

I'm sorry for blaming you for
everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I
would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

There was a knock at Lindsay's door. She walked over, knowing who would behind it, for the first tie, anxious to answer the door to Danny.



"Hey"

"Can I come in?" he asked. She stood to the side, signalling him to enter and he obliged.

"You want a drink?"

"No, thanks. Lindsay, I'm so sorry for blaming you. It's not your fault I retreated into myself, for not talking to anyone. That's what I'm most sorry for out of everything."

"You know Danny. I've realised you were right, I did do the same thing. Not to the extent you did, but if you hadn't been there, I might have. And I'm sorry for not realising that earlier."

"You don't need to be sorry, this is all my fault"

"Danny, don't. Stop with the self pity, that's what got us here in the first place."

"I've missed you"

"I've missed you too"

The talk continued into the night, Danny finally opened up to Lindsay about everything he had been feeling, or not feeling as the case may be. Lindsay listened, offering support, words of advice and tissues when needed. After hours of talk, Danny finally fell asleep, his head resting in Lindsay's lap. To her surprise, she felt relieved, that he'd finally spoken to her, that he'd finally opened up and she fell asleep, stroking his hair.

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try and turn back time

The next morning, Danny woke first, realising where he was, he felt Lindsay's hand in his hair, how he'd longed for her touch all these weeks. He stirred, trying to get more comfortable, waking Lindsay in the process.

"Morning" he said, as she opened her eyes.

"Morning"

"I should go" He said, standing up

"Yeah."

"Thank Linds, for last night."

"Anytime"

She opened the door for him, fighting the urge to kiss him.

"Bye Danny."

"Bye Montana." She smiled at the return of his nickname for her, he was coming back to her, one step at a time.



As she shut the door, she thought about where they were going from here. They couldn't turn back time, nothing would erase the last month. But they could start afresh.

I'm sorry for blaming you for
everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you...

Danny stepped out of Lindsay's building, glancing up to her apartment window, thinking, how he'd blamed her, how he'd hurt her and he realised, that was the thing he'd hated the most. Sire he was upset about Ruben, but those feelings were subsiding, had been for a while now. It was Lindsay, her tears that night he shouted at her, told her it was her fault he was acting that way, that was the thing that hurt him the most, hurting her. As he walked through the cold streets of New York, he felt the cold wind biting at his face, and smiled. He was feeling again, thanks to her.

He vowed, never to hurt her again

Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you thought, this is my first song fic!