"Harry, Ron, we have to get serious about this!"

I watched as the boys groaned. I wasn't taking no for an answer today, though. Those horrible things had bitten my ankles for the last time, and frankly, I was sick of Mrs. Weasley always complaining about how they chewed on her runner beans. If I had to hear one more bean-related lament, I think I'd run away and join a gnome colony myself.

"But Hermione, the way we always de-gnome is fine. We've been doing it this way for years and years. I'm cold. Can we go back inside?"

I had to admit that the February air had a bite to it, but I was determined.

"Exactly! Your family has had a gnome problem for years, Ron, and today is the day we're going to get rid of it. For good. It's their mating season anyway, so it's perfect timing. If we get them out now, we won't have to deal with the new generation as well."

"Are you sure?" Harry scrunched his face up and looked out over the landscape of frolicking potato-shaped creatures. "They're kind of... Well, not cute, but they grow on you after a while. Plus, it's fun to chuck them by hand. It's therapeutic."

At that moment, we heard a strange grunting sound. Harry stopped talking, and with a look of abject horror, he slowly brought his eyes down to his feet. His left trainer, to be exact. Well, what used to be considered merely a trainer—it was now what appeared to be Mrs. Right (or Mrs. Right Now) to a particularly amorous gentleman gnome.

"Never mind. Let's blast these beasts to Kingdom Come."

I smiled sweetly and turned my best "See, Harry's on my side!" look toward Ron.

"Fine! Fine!" He raised his hands in the air. "I give in. What do you want us to do?"

"Well," I said, fishing out my folded notes from my pocket, "I've been doing a lot of reading, and-"

"A lot of reading? How many books are there about stupid gnomes?"

"Hush, Ron. Anyway, from my research, I've designed a spell that should work. If we all cast it together, it should have the power and range to really scour the entire garden. The words are 'Gnomus scramus,' and you move your wand like this."

I demonstrated the pattern to the boys, and they managed to replicate it reasonably well after a few times.

"Okay, ready? On my count of three. One... Two... Three! Gnomus Scramus!" I cast in a clear voice.

"Gnomus scramus!" Harry shouted. Passable.

"Gnomus scramble-us!" Ron called out with an eye-roll. I froze.

"Ron! It's scramUS, not scramBLE-us."

"Levioooosah," Ron mumbled mockingly under his breath. "Honestly, 'Mione, you haven't changed since Hogwarts."

"Guys?" Harry tapped each of us on the shoulder. "Hate to interrupt, but have you seen what the gnomes are doing?"

I wrinkled my nose at Ron, but I looked to where Harry was pointing. I froze. The gnomes, who had just a few minutes ago been chasing each other (well, except for Harry's rather confused special friend), were now shambling toward us, knobbly little brown arms outstretched, eyes wide and muddy drool dripping from their mouths. A few even pursed their lips and made grotesque kissy-faces at us. A great "Mmmmmmmm" sound emanated from the horde.

"Run!"

We bolted for the house, piling through the back door and into the mudroom nearly on top of each other. I leaned up against the wall, wheezing slightly.

"Okay, guys, I'm calling it," said Ron. "Worst. Valentine's. Day. Ever."