Punch-Drunk Love

For the Funny Quotes Challenge

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. Neither is Friends (the best show ever).

Full Summary: Hermione forces a reluctant Draco to hang out with her friends. They end up playing a Muggle drinking game and secrets off all kinds come out!

Author's Note: I couldn't help but include a funny scene from Friends. Check out the challenge at: http : / www . fanfiction . net / topic / 1714 / 2763532 / 1 / #6859786. Many quotes also belong to bloodyhell92 who issued the challenge and therefore must be a hilarious person in real life.

Please review!

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Draco eyed the few passing students in the Common Room with contempt. After all, even if he was dating Hermione Granger, book-lover extraordinaire and best friend of Harry Potter, as a proud self-loving Slytherin he had no desire to remain in the Gryffindor Common Room for any prolonged period of time.

If it were not for the slender hand that was currently wrapped around his waist, softly massaging his side, he would be gone in a flash, forming a Draco-shaped hole through the Fat Lady.

"Granger, I want to leave." He made no move to get up. Whatever she was doing, moving her fingers so lightly up and down, felt so good.

"Malfoy—back to last names are we?—you promised." He did promise, but spending a whole evening with Potty and Weasel was still not very appealing.

"I don't get why you've never had to spend a day with my friends. I've never seen you hanging out with Crabbe or Goyle," he groaned.

"Look, Draco, I promise I'll hang out with them soon."

"Well, how about now," he sulked.

Exasperated, Hermione sighed. "Whatever, Draco."

Draco thought seriously about bringing Crabbe and Goyle. Though they were daft and hard-headed at times, containing less brain cells than a couple of dodo birds, they still would serve as steadfast henchme--, er, friends especially when faced with the presence of Gryffindors, many of whom Draco was not on good terms with.

"You know what?" he mused. "I actually think I could use their company right now. Thanks, Hermione!"

Hermione's eyes widened. "Wait, Dr—"

Draco was already gone, the door swinging in his wake.

oOoOo

Draco checked by the lake. No one in sight. Next he glanced at the Slytherin common room. Where could those two goons, err, friends be? Aha! A thought occurred to him. Really, he should have checked there first.

Yep, there they were. Eating in the kitchens. Two full roasted chickens each.

oOoOo

As the Fat Lady opened for the three teenage boys into the Gryffindor Common Room, they heard familiar voices.

"It's no big deal!" he heard Hermione exclaim.

"It is such a big deal!" That was Dean.

"You girls just slide your hand up your sleeve and with one little maneuver—bam!­­—your bra's in your hand. You have no idea what that does to us guys."

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Guys have nothing that compares to that."

Draco, Crabbe, Goyle came up behind Ron, still unnoticed, their eyebrows raised. The common room was no longer empty. Chairs had been pulled up around Hermione with a couple vacant seats next to her. For him and his friends, he supposed.

Ginny scoffed. "Oh, please. Guys can pee standing up. And aim!"

"Yeah!" Hermione, Lavender, and Padma agreed.

"Well, girls can…" Harry stroked his chin in thought.

"They can clean?" Neville suggested, slowly realizing the sexist undertones of his statement. He grew bright red. "I mean…."

"Multiple orgasms," Draco drawled.

"Yeah there you go! They can have multiple orgasms." Ron exclaimed happily, turning slowly to congratulate the bloke who came up with that witty suggestion.

His expression quickly faltered when he saw who uttered the comment. "Malfoy! What in the name of Merlin are you doi…"

He caught Hermione's eye, remembering the little 'discussion' they had yesterday about being decent to her boyfriend. It had lasted for over an hour and he had no desire to see the lecture repeated. "..ng there?" His voice climbed a few octaves, to a forcefully cheerful tone. "Have a seat." he patted an empty seat near him. "Join the fun." he muttered, crossing his arms.

Cheeks slightly red, Hermione made room for Draco and his two friends. "I didn't see you come in. And with your lovely friends too." She pursed her lips. "How…nice."

"Oh, but you love the whole package," he motioned to himself, "just like it is." He gave her a little kiss on the cheek.

"I swear to Merlin," Ron grimaced to Harry, "if they don't break up soon, our friendship with her equals over. Hear that! Friendship equals over."

Hermione rolled her eyes. Draco smirked.

Dean whispered to Ginny, "Do you really think he can give her multiple orgasms? I thought they were a myth…"

She smacked Dean. "I could have lived my whole life without the image of Draco giving Hermione an orgasm in my head."

"I said multiple orgasms, not an orgasm."

Clamping her hands over her eyes, she said, "Oh sweet nibblets! I mean, seriously, Dean. Shut up!"

"What?" He asked innocently. "Are they, or are they not a myth?"

"You can't be surprised, Gin." Padma shook her head, though she had been obviously eavesdropping. "After your first kiss he asked: 'Who knew this would feel so squishy?'"

"Hey! I was virgin. Ginny was my first kiss." He looked romantically at her.

She frowned. "You're still a virgin. And pull yourself together, man. It was no big deal."

He looked crushed. "Yeah, I know. It was no big deal…" He clenched his lips together, trying to contain all emotion. How could she say it was no big deal? It was amazing, like when the stars and the moon and the sun align…

"Hey, you know what we could play?" Ginny loudly suggested to the whole group.

"What?"

"Yeah, what?"

"I've never."

"What's that?"

"Oh, the question game where you take sips of a drink every time you have done something?"

"And how would you know that, Draco Abnaxius Malfoy?"

"Interesting how his middle name is so close to 'obnoxious,'" Ron sniggered.

"Actually, I've been reading that book All Traditions Muggle that you gave me for Christmas. This particular game was discussed in there."

"Oh…you're actually reading it?" Hermione smiled sweetly at Draco

"Of course, I'd read anything you would buy for me. Except another edition Hogwarts, A History."

Hermione, Harry, and Ron gasped. Draco frowned.

"I've already told her I find that book boring, you twits." He turned to Hermione. "And you, why do you gasp every time I mention that?"

She shook her head. "I just can't believe a man with such magnificent taste in so many other areas is so lacking in the realm of great literature."

"A man," Harry repeated, "with magnificent taste?"

"I know," commented Ron, "I wasn't aware he had gone through puberty yet."

"So basically," Ginny interrupted. "We go around in a circle recalling a statement that we have never done. Like, I've never had a crush on Dumbledore. And everyone that has done whatever I've said takes a drink from a bottle of firewhisky."

"Where do we get the firewhisky?"

"Luckily I have a little stash," Ginny beamed. "One sec." She disappeared into the girl's dorms and quickly reappeared with ten bottles of firewhisky, setting one in front of everyone who was currently gathering in a circle.

"Crabbe, Goyle. You need to move from the middle of the circle."

"We're making a circle?"

"Yes, weren't you listeni—nevermind."

"Here we made a circle."

"Not with your arms…"

"We're hungry."

"Merlin! Draco, do something." Hermione pushed them towards her boyfriend.

"Fine. Vincent, Gregory, go to that corner and transfigure that chair into something nice for Hermione."

"Something nice..."

"...Like food?"

"Sure. Now go."

"Do you think that's dangerous?"

"They'll never figure out to transfigure a chair into anything but a smaller chair."

"If you say so."

"Okay guys, let's start."

oOoOo

"Lavender, you begin."

"Why me?"

"Because you are two persons to the right of me."

"Oh! You're right! Let's see…I've never had a crush on Dumbledore."

"You can't use that! I already used it as an example. No one has ever had a—Hermione!"

"What?" Hermione looked up innocently from her glass. Draco looked sick. "So? I used to have purely intellectual crushes. And no one can deny the great intellectual power that Dumbledore wields…"

"Okay…then…"

"So, Hermione. Every time we visited Dumbledore's office were you thinking of other things you could be doing? "

"Seriously, Ron! It wasn't like that."

"Moving on." Draco took a sip.

"You can't take a sip unless you've done whatever it is the person has not done!"

"Oh, really? When was that announced in the rules?"

"Hmmmm. You have a point. Very true."

oOoOo

"Padma your turn."

"I've never called a tomayto a tomahto."

The whole circle looked blankly at her. No one took a sip.

oOoOo

"Sooo…moooving on… Neville."

"Errrr. I've never used the erectus vinisculus vine for anything other than frostbite."

The whole group looked at Hermione, while Dean quickly took a sip.

"The erectus vinisculus vine engorges blood vessels wherever its sap, usually squeezed from dried leaves, is applied, directing a greater blood flow to the specified area. It is almost exclusively used for two ailments : frostbite and…errr… penile dysfunction. In fact, it is most like muggle Viagra."

Everyone stared at Dean.

He finally burst out, "For the millionth time, I can't get it up!" Taking a deep breath, he glared at the group, "And you lot are full well aware of that fact!"

Draco raised his eyebrows, "Well, personally I wasn't aware, but now that I am…"

"You are absolutely not going to anything with that knowledge."

"But, Hermione…this is not just good blackmail material, this is excellent, downright wicked blackmail material."

"Absolutely not."

"Fine then. Just remember it's my turn next." Hermione just raised her eyebrows at him, her stare not faltering. He turned towards the group, smirking. "I've never had an erotic dream featuring whipped cream, fuzzy handcuffs, and my naked body."

"I told you that in confidence!"

Padma and Lavender looked sheepish, also putting down their glasses with Hermione.

"By the way, we are sorr-"

"Don't worry, I expected that from you two," she said crossing her arms like Madame Pomfrey.

"Oh, thanks then." Padma and Lavender looked at each other and shrugged.

Both Harry and Ron, shaking their heads, looked green as if they had swallowed several hundred slugs.

"And I here I thought you Gryffindors were all friends, keeping each other in their confidence."

"Shut up."

"Like a married couple already," Dean grinned.

"Shut up!" exclaimed Draco, Hermione, Harry, and Ron.

Hermione still could not believe Draco had said that! It was supposed to be private!

"Well, I've never danced around and sang to myself in the mirror—naked." She smirked.

Draco took a sip, glaring at everybody, along with Lavender who also took a sip and blushed.

"Hey, it was years ago!"

"Well Draco doesn't have that excuse."

"This is brilliant! Ferret sings naked!"

"You can call me ferret, but you're still emasculated by your inability to get it up."

"…"

"Er, guys. Where did that dinosaur come from?"

Everyone looked to the corner where Crabbe and Goyle sat. Instead of a wooden chair there was a brown lump that looked like a dinosaur…or…

"Hermione, are those boobs?"

"Guys, what the hell is that supposed to be!"

"That's a meat loaf."

"For Hermione."

"Like you told us."

"Why did you tell them to make a meat loaf for me?!"

"I did not!"

"Draco, we're hungry."

Draco looked disbelievingly and Crabbe and Goyle. "Again? After eating two whole roasted chickens each?"

"Merlin! You know I've always thought they might have been part hog."

"You know what?" Ginny said. "I think I might have something for them." She started looking under the pillows of the red sofa that sat in the middle of the common room. "Okay, who stole my stash of lollipops?"

"Gin, everyone knows you stash lollipops and lemon drops under there after every Great Feast." Dean explained. "Even I've taken one or two and you know how picky I am about my sugar intake."

Ginny's eyebrow twitched. "That's it Dean! Stand back, I know Ninjitsu."

"Wha-at?"

"It's an ancient martial art. A muggle method that can break bones in two seconds flat."

"Errr, Ginny maybe you should…."

"Hahaha." Ginny giggled. "You should've seen the look on your face."

The whole group laughed weakly. Ginny's fierce temper was still notorious at Hogwarts.

oOoOo

"Harry's next!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Er…" he tried to think of something unconfrontational, something no one had done. "I've never…dated Luna."

"Ron!"

"Since when, Ron? How come you never told us?"

"I just asked her out yesterday!"

"Oh, great mate!" Harry could never imagine her in a sexual way in a million years. But if Ron was happy…

"My nargle senses are tingling," Draco commented sarcastically to Hermione, "and telling me this relationship will fail in a month."

"Shhh!" she looked around, making sure no one had heard him, "I know, but you could at least be nice about it."

"At least I'm honest."

She sighed. "I'll give you that."

oOoOo

More rounds went by.

"I've never thought Snape was attractive."

"So many!—Hermione, Ginny, Padma, Lavender?"

"He's dark and brooding. And oh, so sexy…" Ginny's voice was slurred.

"Shut up, Ginny!" Ron's hands covered his ears. "And don't think I haven't noticed you sipping between turns."

oOoOo

"I've never gone streaking."

"Typical Weasleys"

"Well we are from the same family as Fred and George."

"True."

oOoOo

"I've never worn a thong."

"Malfoy!"

"Hermione made me do it! It was hers!"

"Hermione?"

"It's…" Her face was bright red. "sexy, you know?"

"Oh, this is just great!"

Draco glared.

oOoOo

"I've never been a bully."

"So what? Is that supposed to make be feel bad?" Draco snarled as he took a big gulp.

Hermione looked at him pointedly. "It should make you feel bad."

"I guess I do feel bad," he glanced at her with big too-innocent eyes.

"Good," she smiled taking his hand.

"I cannot believe she fell for that."

oOoOo

"I've never fantasized about having sex with either Fred or George."

"Ewww!"

"Disgusting!"

"That's different for the two of you, they're your brothers."

"Still…it's yuck!"

"Seriously! Padma? Lavender? Are you two attracted to every guy?"

oOoOo

"I've never imagined myself married to a person of the opposite sex."

Predictably, Ginny, Ron, Harry, and Neville raised their glasses, as did…Draco.

"It better be Hermione, you ferret."

He just raised his eyebrow. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Fine. I've never imagined myself married to Herm--. Oh." Ron blushed.

"Yeah, you can't say that, now can you?"

"Shut up, you slimy rodent."

oOoOo

At around four in the morning Draco woke up. His body was heavy and his back ached from his uncomfortable position on the floor. He rubbed his eyes and slowly the fuzzy feeling in his head went away, though his skull felt like someone had hit him repeatedly with a Bludger.

He finally recognized the Gryffindor Common Room and remembered the crazy game they had all played. His eyes widened, moving to get up. How did Hermione swindle him into playing such an asinine game?

Speaking of Hermione, she laid not too far from him. He looked at her while she was sleeping. She looked content and graceful, her pink lips curled into a smile even in her sleep. His lips couldn't help but curl up into a…smirk. Yes, it was a smirk, not a dopey, silly smile.

He settled back down next to her, feeling comforted by her body warmth. Even through he would never hang out with her friends again, or, at least, with her friends and alcoholic beverages, he knew they were perfect together, like bread and butter.

A/N: I could've sworn I read a GW fanfiction a long time ago that was about all the characters in GW playing 'I've never.' Unfortunately, I couldn't find it, but I still remember how hilarious it was. Hopefully, I didn't incorporate too much of what I remembered into this story. It's a little OC but this was fun to write!