Notes 1: Fuck, I just found out I missed Helsa Week yesterday, I didn't even know we had Helsa Week! Will I ever not be late to the party? I know this was bound to happen but will I ever stop being late?
Notes 2: Pulled this out of my ass, so if you're confused, don't worry, so am I. This fic jumps back and forth between present and past.
Notes 3: Also listening to Christina Perri and Billie Eilish songs are just so … sad? Horribly sad but I can't stop.
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& burn
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If we were meant to be, we would have been by now,
See what you wanna see, but all I see is him right now
– Billie Eilish, Watch
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An open heart is an open wound to you
– Christina Perri, The Words
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Even when he's unpredictable, he's predictable. Of all the places to go, why here? Why return to the place where everything went up in flames?
"Why are you back?" She asks. The night is cool and calm but she can't help but think about how she shouldn't be here. She shouldn't be here. It's late and past her curfew but the moon is bright and the stars are hanging high in the sky, and it all just feels oh-so familiar.
He looks at his feet, at his polished shoes, and grips onto his head. "I don't know."
"That's not an answer. Why are you back?" She presses, unforgiving. She doesn't know why she's doing this. She shouldn't be talking to him. The more she talks to him, the worse she feels.
"I said I don't know."
"Hans –"
"I don't know, okay?!" He snaps. "I'm just here, I have nowhere else to go! So I'm here, so what?"
No.
No, not so what. Not so what because he's not supposed to be here either. He got sent away for a reason. If he were to linger, if he stays, someone would surely find out of that night, of their secret, and they'll surely tell Anna and then Anna will hate her for sure. Hans had said it himself, Anna would hate her if she were to find out.
"So don't lie to me." She utters, but to the ground because she can't look him in the eyes.
She hears his jaw click and feels his gaze on her after a moment of silence.
"They couldn't prove that I did it." He finally says truthfully. And then what he says next feels like a punch in the gut, "I'm back and I'm not going anywhere."
She stutters, blue eyes wide with fear, "You're – You're not?" Going back, that is.
"No." He answers, baring his perfect teeth, glaring at her with those green eyes of his.
He's angry, but why is he angry at her? He wanted to take the fall, he wanted to ruin his life twice over, he can't expect to just come back and do whatever this is.
"I was sent away, not banished. Get your facts straight." Even when he's kicked to the ground, venom will always pour out of his mouth. "Besides, who are you to tell me what to do? Afraid I'd expose you, Elsa?"
She looks at him and –
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{ Gold's fake and real love hurts, but nothing hurts when I'm alone }
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With the sweat gathering on his back and wet hair sticking onto his neck, he couldn't think of a worse image to paint him in. He thinks, he must look disgusting; covered with dirt and grim and bruises, as he walks down the hall, jumped before class even started.
Disgusting – which is exactly how he felt.
A hundred sets of eyes watch his every move but he could care less about them. No, the only stares he cares about were stares belonging to two sisters. Two pair of blue eyes – one teal and the other as blue and cold as ice.
He doesn't dare look away, instead, he just smirks.
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Elsa's heart beats loudly in her chest as she watches Hans go and disappear down the corner, feeling Anna's grip around her arm. He's so proud, even when he looks like shit. Her heart – her poor, overworked heart – is beating as fast and as hard as the Summer he lost everything and took her along for the joyride (literally).
"This is my favourite part!" He had yelled, not giving her a chance to ask 'what is?' before he runs through a red light, whopping and hollering. This lunatic man!
"You're crazy!" She screeches like a banshee, feeling her stomach drop to her toes and her heart leap to her throat.
"I am!" He laughs and doesn't hold back on the speed as she grabs onto every secure thing she can. He asks (mocks) her, "But I thought you loved crazy!"
At the time, so did she, but only because she had thought she might have been crazy too. She was crazy about science, mad scientist crazy and –
"Can you believe him, Elsa?" Anna spits, angrier than Elsa has ever seen her sister. "What nerve! What is he doing here? Why is he here? Coming back after –" The strawberry blonde doesn't finish her words, letting her sentence trail off.
"Anna," Elsa touches her sister's shoulder and suddenly – tears.
"I want him to leave. I want him to go away. He has no right to be here." Anna says, hugging and gripping Elsa for dear life, her hair smells like smoke –
"He's horrible, a murderer," Her sister cries and Elsa doesn't hug Anna back, she can't.
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Elsa is haunted by the same dream – hammered into her conscience again and again – of restless streets, and good times and bad decisions, and a tiny secluded building.
The speakers are blowing, he's far from decorum. Far from being a prince. He's not going to save anyone but himself. Or maybe he's not, not with all that smoking, he keeps lighting cigarettes like he's trying to burn the night away. Maybe he's the dragon with death between his teeth and flaming red hair.
(If he's the dragon to be slain then she's the ice witch that needs her head taken off)
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They're in his car, driving fast, his lips are moving but she can't make out his words.
"Hans?"
A distant siren wails and there's a flash of dual colours; red and blue and red and blue and red –
"Hans, we have to go!"
And suddenly he's sitting in the backseat, she's too late and he's looking like a loser, singing like a madman about how love will tear them apart.
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Elsa remembers the police showing up at her door, telling her the awful news and questioning her. Not because the authority had caught her at the scene of the crime but because they had linked her to Anna, and their parents had died ages ago, and Uncle and Auntie were out so that made Elsa the only person whom the police could talk to.
She remembers hesitating while answering their questions because she wasn't used to lying. Her big blue eyes kept looking away even before she could register that she was avoiding their strict gazes.
But fear took a hold of her. She was so scared that she started brawling, and that's saying something because she hasn't cried from fear since she was a child. She had become small like she was sinking and trying to disappear.
But she got lucky, having her sudden tears chalked up to grief and loss. So lucky because if they had questioned her any further, her memories would have betrayed and haunted her further – the way she had turned away from him. The slow tilt of her snowy head, her blue eyes averting elsewhere, hands gripping onto the cold steely handle of large doors. But not before catching a glimpse of red hair. Red like flames, red like fire, red like –
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Elsa didn't know what he was thinking, what could they accomplish that night? Hans had told her something about him thinking that she had 'potential' and that 'anyone with eyes could see that', that is, everyone except her.
He had placed the flat of his palm against her wrist, wrapping his fingers around her flinching skin, encasing and branding and trapping her with his touch. It's despicable, it's so like him.
"Let's finish what you started. Don't leave anything stone unturned." He had told her before dragging her into his car and to a place he had in mind.
.
.
.
(But it's easier said than done)
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{ And let me crawl inside your veins }
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How did she associate herself with him again? Why did she stay? Heck, why did he stay?
.
.
.
She had met him in the middle of a panic attack. No one else had been around to comfort her and he just so happen to be there to catch her huddled in a corner after dropping all her books loudly on the library floor.
"Hey, are you okay?" He had asked, pulling out his earphone and looking at her with worried emerald eyes. No one aside from her family had ever looked at her that way. "Are you alright?"
"Panic attack," She answers.
He drops everything and crouches down next to her. "What's your name?"
"Elsa. Elsa Arendelle."
"The Snow Queen," He murmurs the nickname the school gave her. "I'm –"
But she shakes her head, she knows who he is. So he's heard of her? Well, she's heard of him as well; Hans Westergaard, the '13th prince' – a smooth talker, manipulative and driven, a liar. She expected a lot from him, mostly negative, but what she didn't expect was for him to take pity on her and actually take time out of his day to make sure she was okay.
"What are you doing here?" She asks stupidly after he had worked some kind of magic on her, helped her calm down faster than anyone had ever managed to do. She realizes what people say about him is true. He was good with his words –
"Comforting you, apparently." He answers smoothly.
– and good at avoiding questions.
"Are you cutting class?" She asks because she's not. She's studying while still on her free period.
He hums, putting his earphones back on and turning up the volume. Oh, now he's avoiding her.
"Are you ignoring me? Unbelievable," She whispers sharply.
He deafens her with his music, he doesn't want to hear it. He gets up. "You're alright now, right? I'll leave, can't be late for ... class." He turns and heads out of the library like nothing had happened.
"Hans!" She calls after him, clutching onto her hands and pressing them against her thundering chest.
He doesn't stop, it seems like he won't. Maybe he just can't stop. She sees him spare her a glance before he fully turns away from her and melts into the crowd.
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It took some digging, but Elsa had finally managed to pinpoint the exact location Hans had liked to hide to smoke – in a secluded spot behind the science labs.
"Hello," She had approached him, three days later while he's on his cigarette break.
He doesn't bother to answer but does raise an eyebrow.
"I wanted to thank you." She says, twisting her hands together.
"For what?" He asks, blowing a smoke ring.
"For the other day."
"Your panic attack?" He asks like it's nothing but it's something, a big something.
Sheepishly, she breathes deeply and nods. "Yes," Then she finally says it, "Thank you."
His green eyes look at her ... and then elsewhere and then at her again. It's like he's never had anyone thank him in his life and he doesn't know how to respond to it. "No problem."
Elsa fumbles with her sweaty palms as he continues setting fire to his insides for fun. "May I sit?" She asks and gestures to the steps beside him.
He shrugs, "I don't own the lab, do what you want."
She sits and they spend five minutes in total silence, it's comforting until he breaks it.
"Why are you still here?" He waits for her answer as he lights his second cigarette, or maybe his third? It could be his fifth for all she knew.
She bites the inside of her cheek, looking at her hands, they're trembling. Her anxiety is telling her she's annoying him. She didn't mean to. "Are you telling me to go away –"
"You know that's not what I meant." He scoffs.
"– because I can go away."
"You don't have to." He grounds, sounding a little frustrated, either by the fact that she is annoying or that she thinks she's annoying.
"But do you want me to?" She asks him, feeling her heart somewhere in her chest.
He runs his tongue against his bottom teeth, choosing to now step on an unfinished cigarette. "I don't know." He answers and he sounds uncertain, it's unlike him. She wonders if it's a lie.
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{ I don't know what feels true but this feels right so stay a sec,
Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec }
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He tells her wild stories of his younger days, of him and his brothers (who sound more like fake friends than family) and all of their noise. All the shenanigans and the backstabbing and how they'd always go back to each other like no bad blood was spilled.
Hans and Elsa had started hanging out after he had shown no signs of wanting her to leave his side. First, it was just at school, but now it's out of school, in his car, parked anywhere.
"What happened after that?" Elsa asks as she draws her knees close to her chest, he always had this act of making her heart go wild. He's always so ambitious, so driven, the opposite of her. She knows he'll have a bright future.
"I can't remember." Hans says (lies), avoiding the question, avoiding tomorrow. "Tell me about yourself, you said you like school?"
"Science is my favourite subject. Chemistry used to be my favourite."
"Used to?" He echoes, raising a brow.
"It's ... It's a long story." Elsa answers, now sheepish.
He turns and gives her his full undivided attention. "Tell me about it."
When her story ends, he doesn't stop smoking until it's time for her to go home.
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She answers him when he calls, the fifth night she's snuck out for him. Only him.
Not that anyone knows of it, anyway. Not that anyone would notice. Her aunt and uncle, cousin and dear, sweet sister, all think she's still in bed. They just think of her as ... Elsa. Quiet, reserved Elsa who goes to bed at ten PM and wakes up at the crack of dawn. Elsa who listens to classical music and reads richly written books and drinks fancy tea. Elsa who's known as 'the Snow Queen' for her 'cold nature' when she's really just shy. Elsa who stays in her room without making a sound to the point where no one would even fathom a reason for innocent Elsa to be out past curfew.
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{ I wanna be alone,
Alone with you – does that make sense? }
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All of their flaws are laid out in front of them, in front of each other. One by one, neatly showcasing every little thing that picks them undone. They go hand in hand; some are inherited, some are learned based on their own fears. He's manipulative, she's mousy. His arrogance gives him the confidence of a dozen (and maybe one more) fine men, she barely believes in herself. He's an outcast and she's a nervous wreck.
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{ I wanna steal your soul and hide you in my treasure chest }
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"Hans," Elsa calls his name, sounding breathless like she had ran a marathon. She pulls her sweater over her arms, feeling the cold night air nip her. Funny because just this morning, she was sweating buckets, Summer is so strange. "What's wrong? When you called me, you sounded so –"
He rolls down his window, a black eye, split lip and dried tears is all she sees. He's not okay.
"Oh, Hans." She didn't mean to make him sound so pathetic but she did. "What happened?"
"My brothers ... My brothers convinced my old man to write me out of his will. Apparently, someone snitched and told him that I wasn't taking school seriously. I'm useless to him, he's going to cut me off soon, I'll have nothing."
He looks at her like he wants her to piece his life together before it falls apart. But it's already crushed into dust and she can't do anything about it. Not when her life is in pieces too.
.
.
.
"You're always holding back." He notes that same day, face twisted in a confused fashion, not a smirk in sight.
"There's nothing wrong with holding back." Elsa answers, voice low. She wants the radio playing to fill the silence but he won't let it.
"Your doubt weights you down." Hans says and she sputters from this.
"What about you?" She says, suddenly brave. "You just gave up."
He shoots her a look, it's a dangerous one. "I didn't give up." It's Summer and he's just … "What I had … Everything that I was, it got taken away and I can't get it back."
It's a quarter past midnight as they cut through the city. He's chasing after something like he's trying to throw his life away and it boggles her mind. Since when was ambition something to look down on? Since when have high hopes means nothing to him?
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{ It's not like me to be so mean, you're all I wanted,
Just let me hold you … like a hostage }
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"I'm taking back everything mean I've ever said to you."
He laughs, not at her, but maybe with her if she were joking. He says, "You don't have to."
"But can I?" Elsa asks, modestly. She's called him many things because he is many things but he's just lost a bright future so ... "Can I take it back? Because I want to."
His trademark smirk appears on his face in a flash. The motion of the corners of his lips lifting upwards is a sharp one. His grin is as deadly as a knife, a sword, a blade of sorts. Just looking at the expression on his handsome face feels like a stab in the heart but she dares not look away.
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– she's back to reality, the present where it's late and she should really get going because her curfew but the moon is so bright and the stars are glittering. She grips onto the hem of her dress, filled with girlish anger, "You're so full of shit,"
His signature smirk appears, and he actually stands up. Maybe it was to intimidate her or maybe it was to tower over her. "Bold words coming from someone like you."
She echoes, "Someone like me?"
"Yes," He says, making her think how a single word can sound so taunting.
Elsa breaks whatever walls they've put around each other. "That night, back then, why didn't you say something? You could have told me." She says, reflecting that night. Her heart is once again beating wildly in her chest. She refuses to believe this is all real but she's worrying regardless.
He laughs at the ground before his eyes slide back up to look at the wrist that he's holding. When did that happen? Her skinny, skinny wrist. She hasn't been eating. Her skin looks so papery white that Hans figures he can bruise her easily. She'll showcase the sweetest bruises.
"What's there to tell?" He says, finally looking at her. "Five people died."
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{ I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain }
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Fast forward to a week later and he's blue and black with injuries that aren't all that pretty. He's gotten punched in the jaw and kicked in the ribs and –
"Why are you helping me?" Elsa cries.
Look at him! Look at the act of revenge for that burning night!
Elsa notices how he's breathing hard, and how his bones creak and ache. She doesn't like the sound of it. She's so angry and sad and tired of it all. But even when she's crying, wet cheeks and glistening eyes, blonde hair fanning out like a mad woman, she looks so beautiful.
The last thing she expects him to do is laugh, but he laughs anyway. Chuckling, holding back the urge to wipe away her tears. No, he'll let her cry.
"Hans," She weeps and he thinks she might be wasting her time crying over him.
He gently touches the bottom of her pale, pale hair and lets it slip through his fingers. On his face plays a tired grin. He's hurt, bleeding from the mouth, bleeding from the inside. And there's nothing she can do about it.
"Have I told you –" He says, mouth tasting bitter, he's bleeding out on the curb, "– that I love you so much, my dear Snow Queen?" The pet name that he calls her sounds so wrong.
And she says, "Liar," which – ah, sounded more familiar.
She tells him, "I have nothing to offer you," and that wasn't the saddest part. "I don't know … I don't know why you're doing this for me. Why are you taking the blame?"
"I just told you, I love you."
"And I told you I don't believe you." She says, hands holding him tight, seeking help. "What are you asking from me? What do you want? What is it?"
He looks at her, wondering of all that potential. That wasted potential. "I just want you to make me feel okay."
What –
"You don't even need to make me feel happy. Just make me feel okay." He says.
"And that's –" She blinks her wet snowy lashes. "And that's enough?"
"That's enough." He says and smiles. She can tell he means it, he's not lying this time. Then in a smaller voice, he adds, "That's more than enough."
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He's burning but that doesn't stop his fingers from tangling in her pale hair. Nor does it stop him from kissing her, too softly for someone like him.
And after a long heartbeat (heartbreak), she kisses him back.
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.
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{ Kiss me until I can't speak }
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He wants to hold her tight. He wants to be the security blanket she deserves in the coldest of Winters. He wants to be her everything but even he knows that's too much and she would never ask him of such a thing.
A part of him wishes for her to be a little bit more selfish when it comes to herself, she's giving away the little joy she has to the people who didn't need or deserves it.
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"Was it you?" Anna had asked a memory ago, rage mixed with tears in her teal eyes. The fire behind her is nothing compared to the fire burning in her eyes.
And, for some reason, it makes his inside queasy even though he knows he's done nothing wrong. He couldn't have, he's too cautious about these things. Always taking precautions, always thinking ten steps ahead, always –
"Yes, I did it." Hans says breathlessly because he's covered in soot and cinder, and coughing like he's just smoked his first cigarette. Because Elsa's Miss Goody-Two-Shoes. Because she's too nice to ever hurt anyone (intentionally).
No one would believe a liar like him anyway.
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She was a brilliant chemist, everything she did, anything she had gotten her hands on, it felt like she was creating magic.
Hans had managed to persuade her to sneak into Walt High and show him what she could do. But it was a stupid plan because they are one year away from graduating and what they were doing was technically trespassing. Plus, who goes back to school in the Summer willingly anyway?
But he had 'good' reasons, his words, not hers. Because he knew she had potential, because he knew she couldn't just hold herself responsible for that night when she was seven and Anna was five. She was a child, it was an accident.
"Show me." He had said, more like a challenge than anything. He's not all that encouraging and she doesn't know what his angle is. Why exactly does he want her from her?
.
.
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The aftermath was horrible.
The aftermath was Elsa's anxiety taking over her and her not remember half of what she was supposed to do. She had another panic attack, he had tried to calm her down again but then they heard voices! Apparently, other kids had snuck into school too for who knows what.
"Be quiet," Hans had whispered, afraid of getting caught. It was too dark to recognize who had snuck in, he didn't know if these kids could be trusted.
Elsa had complied. By the sound of it, there was probably a whole flock of people, too much for Elsa to handle.
It was stupid but the risk was there and the risk was either exposing themselves and getting caught or let the bunsen burner burn a little while hiding. Hans had thought, These kids can't possibly mess things up even further.
But they did …
Slowly, but surely, the kids had poured into the lab like the smoke pouring out of the room. They had panicked just like Hans and Elsa, knocked over a few beakers of chemicals, spreading the fire further. Some had tried to put the fire out but most of the kids had run away in fear, letting dread and terror consume them as they scrambled to find an exit in the locked building.
.
.
.
Later it was discovered that those kids were Anna (dear sweet Anna), cousin Rapunzel, her boyfriend Eugene, a short boy named Olaf, Kristoff and his funny reindeer-looking best friend, and a few other people.
(And much, much later that same day, they learned that five people didn't make it)
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"Elsa, listen to me. You have to listen, okay?" He says that same horrific night filled with smoke and flames. "Run. Run away, quick. Don't let anyone catch you, pretend you were never here."
"I – I can't just leave you." She scrambles to grab him, touch him. She can't –
"I need to stop the fire." He says, playing the hero, because he knows a thing or two about this fire. He helped create it, after all, he encouraged it.
"Then, I'll help you put out the fire." She tells him despite it being clear that she's shaking like a leaf.
He gives her a hard look because what can she do? What can this mess of a beautiful person do? "No, just leave."
"Hans –"
"This night never happened. None of what we had ever happened, our friendship, everything – it never happened." He wants to desperately push her away to safety, why is she just standing there? The building is burning!
"Wha – What are you saying?"
"You could get into some serious trouble if you're caught." He reasons.
"And so will you! Don't you care about yourself?"
No, He thinks but doesn't say it aloud. He can't believe they're having this conversation in the middle of a spreading fire.
She asks, "What if they catch you and turn you over to the police?"
"Then I'll lie."
"Lie? To the police? They're the authority! Hans, we broke into school grounds and started a fire!"
"You have to leave! Now!"
"No!" She yells back at him.
"What would Anna think?" Hans asks, a low blow, really. "What would Anna think if she knew you started this fire?"
Elsa's face goes pale. "… Anna?"
"Yes, Anna." Hans echoes and it looks like she's about to vomit. "Please, leave. I'm so tired, Elsa. Exhausted, really."
Elsa starts trembling, feeling conflicted yet still reaching out for him. He doesn't let her touch him. "Hans, I – I'm sorry." Because she knows she's about to leave him, the fear of Anna finding out is too much for her to bear.
"Forget about me, just go!"
"I'm really sorry."
"I forgive you. I forgive you, that doesn't matter right now, what matters is that you go."
"I'm sorry." Elsa repeats herself and he isn't sure anymore if she's apologizing to him or Anna or if she's just saying it out of guilt.
"I know you won't believe me but you'll be okay, you will, I know you will."
.
.
.
He lied. She was not okay.
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end
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tldr; Elsa befriends Hans because she thinks he's special despite his bad rep. They hang out together and he drives her around because nothing says freedom like 'I have a car, get in, loser'. But then Hans loses everything because he sucks as a student so he starts shifting his ambition and focuses on Elsa because of her mad science skills but they end up burning the science labs. Five people died, but the police can't prove it was Hans except that one moment he admits it to Anna which gets him killed in the end. An eye for an eye, right?
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Notes 4: (prays the Helsa fandom accepts me, though I doubt it because this fic sucks so I know I'll just be left on read) (prays gustin puckerman-senpai notices me but I doubt it too)
– 30 July 2018