Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist...and in the spirit of Xmas, I won't even bore you with some smart-ass remark about why that is (like I usually do).

Part One: Cookie Captor

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'Twas Christmas Eve when Roy discovered that the cookies he had stolen from a group of small children had vanished. After a few hours of worrying, and a couple of minutes of actually looking for them, he decided to call for backup.

Envy was busy attempting (and failing) to wrap Christmas presents when he got the call. Edward was at the sins' house too; helping Wrath to decorate the Christmas tree since Wrath couldn't reach the top…does anyone else see a problem here?

"What do you mean we have to come help you look for stolen cookies? We're busy, Roy – Lust's already burning the Christmas pudding!" said Envy, having answered the phone with his left hand as his right was full of cuts from the sticky-tape dispenser.

"No I'm not!" Lust yelled from the kitchen, where a thick cloud of smoke seemed to be coming from.

Roy started crying on the other end of the line but Envy didn't care – if Roy had the nerve to not invite him to his Unbirthday party then he deserved to lose his Christmas cookies. In fact, Envy was on the verge of turning up to the Unbirthday party uninvited and cursing Roy's first daughter so that she would prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die on her 16th birthday, but that sounded like too much trouble.

Then Greed ran into the room. "MY ROY SENSES ARE TINGLING!" he screamed.

"Greed has…Roy senses?" asked Edward, sweatdropping.

"Yeah," said Pride, "just last Tuesday he predicted that Roy was having a toothache and it tuned out to be true."

"O…K…" said Edward.

Lust came running out of the kitchen, coughing. "Quick – to the Lust Mobile!"

Edward sweatdropped again.

"DANANANANANANANA LUST MAN!" They sang as Lust speeded down the motorway. She would have preferred 'Lust Girl' or something, but after a number of 'Roy Emergencies' she was used to it.

"OK, OK…so just why exactly are you all actually going to help Roy?" asked Edward, more than a little confused, "I mean, aren't you guys, like, enemies?" He scratched his head very anime-like…probably because this was an anime.

Wrath sighed. "Well, after his 'Roy senses' start tingling, Greed starts having visions and seizures. If we don't all go and help Roy with whatever pathetic problem he has then we all have to put up with Greed screeching and rolling around the living room floor."

"It's fun for a while," Envy added, "but we've already missed two episodes of Carebears because of it and I'm not going to let that happen again!"

The Lust Mobile (which was actually just an old buggy with 'Lust Mobile' and a chibi picture of Lust painted on) came to a sudden stop. "We're here," said Lust.

The tall house was covered in Christmas decorations and lights and various Christmas carols were being blasted out from inside. There was a big neon sign near the chimney reading 'Stop here Santa – I've been a good Roy!' Roy had felt proud of himself for three days after covering the bottom of the 'B' with duct tape to make it look like an 'R'…but his visitors just thought it was sad.

"Wow!" said Ed, "What a tall house!"

"I bet everything looks tall to you…" scoffed Envy.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD GET LOST IN A GINGERBREAD HOUSE?" Ed screamed.

"Well if the Barbie shoe fits…" Envy said.

Greed interrupted. "Hey, hey – knock it off you two! We have more important things to deal with – Roy's cookies are still missing!"

So they went in. Roy was drowning his sorrows in booze, slouched on the sofa and listening to his Christmas carols at the highest volume his Hello Kitty CD player could go.

"We've come to help, Roy," said Pride.

"Just leave – there's nothing you can do…" Roy murmured.

The others turned to leave. "Oh, alright then-"

"WELL IF YOU INSIST!" said Roy. "It all started when…"

-Flashback…as told by Roy-

"Ahh – the perfect gift for those poor orphans on Christmas," Roy said to himself, looking at the jar of cookies he had lovingly baked and packed with a bright red ribbon. He then got into his personal, diamond-studded limousine, being careful not to crease his expensive tuxedo.

As he drove, wearing his seatbelt, within the speed limit and in the correct lane, free from the influence of any harmful substances of course, to the orphanage to deliver bundles of presents and his home-made cookies to the unfortunate little orphans, a gigantic truck appeared out of nowhere – its crazed driver laughing manically, it smashed the limousine into a telegraph pole.

When Roy awoke, he was battered and bruised on the sidewalk and his limousine was nowhere to be found. "NOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. "THE POOR CHILDREN!" he collapsed, sobbing.

-end of Flashback-

The others looked at each other.

"Why do I get the feeling that isn't what really happened?" asked Envy.

"Maybe it's because you're stupid," said Edward.

Envy did the anime fall.

"I know what you mean, Envy, but what do you think really happened?" asked Lust.

"Well…"

-Flashback…as told by Envy-

An elderly man and woman were sitting on a park bench eating cookies when all of a sudden a deranged, unkempt man in a military uniform tackled them to the ground, stole the cookies and started running away, all the while hiccuping and screaming "I am Fuhrer Roy! All must obey my command!"

When Roy got home he realised that he had no peanut butter. "I CAN'T EAT COOKIES WITHOUT PEANUT BUTTER!" he yelled, grabbing his keys and taking the cookies with him. He got into his small car and recklessly drove without his seatbelt, 30km over the speed limit in the wrong lane with the effects of all that beer he had just had still at work, to the supermarket to get some peanut butter. Unfortunately, he mistook a red light for a firefly and ended up crashing.

When he finally got home from the hospital and got his largely smashed up car out of the impound, the cookies were gone. Roy screamed, "SON OF A-"

-end Flashback-

"And that's what really happened," said Envy.

"You know," said Pride, "although that does sound more likely than Roy's account, I still don't think we're getting the whole story.

"This is going to take awhile…" sighed Lust.

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Fear not, Lust! This is only a two-part story, and soon enough the truth behind the stolen Christmas cookies shall be revealed! But more importantly, will he ever get them back? AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY – who on earth did Envy get Christmas presents for? Does the Christmas spirit override pure evil? Find out next time on Roy to the World, and please R&R or Santa a.k.a. Hoho-papa will bring you coal. Merry Christmas all!