I got a request awhile ago on Tumblr for some depressing Chris LaSalle and a story about his family! This is what came out of that. I think it turned out well. I hope you like it too!
Warning: Talk of suicide and depression!
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Clenching his jaw in frustration Chris flicked the stone in his hand attempting to skip it across the lake. He couldn't help but growl as he watched it sink instantly. He had been at the lake for hours and had been attempting to skip rocks the whole time.
When he had left the house he had wanted just wanted to get someplace where he didn't have to think at all. He had figured that he had been there enough times that he'd be able to do the simple movement with no problem. Apparently he couldn't even do something so simple.
That seemed to be the story of his life at the moment. It seemed as if everything he did lately resulted in either his brother or his father telling him off for some reason or another. Honestly he had quit listening to them awhile ago.
Neither of them really seemed to understand what was going on around them. It was like they were completely ignorant to everything and he was so sick of them pretending that nothing had changed!
For six months he had been watching as his family came something he couldn't recognize before. His brother was plastering on this fake smile while suddenly acting as if he was the one in charge while their father only seemed to pay attention to the company and his brand spanking new wife.
Six months! It had only taken them six months to forget about Mama. The woman that did absolutely everything for them. Who in their right mind forgot about a person that they claimed they loved?!
He had tried a few times to bring it up with Cade, but all he ever seemed to get was the always popular 'You'll understand when you're older' shtick. Shockingly enough being twelve did not make him stupid!
Chris was just so angry at the both of them. It felt like a slap in the face to Mama and he wasn't going to sit around the house as they removed every last bit of the woman that raised him from the house and replaced her with someone he didn't even know his father had been dating.
So he was at the lake a few miles away from the house. It wasn't a secret place by any means, but it was an important one. Every weekend he, Cade, and their Mama would spend sitting by the edge of the water having the time of their lives.
Everything important that happened in their lives was done by the lake. Everything not important happened by the lake too. He'd learned to skip rocks and fish in the calm water. He was never happier than when the three of them were together at the lake.
He could still clearly remember watching his Mama grab the picnic basket out of the pantry every Friday morning. She'd make this huge spectacle of it as if they were supposed to be shocked that she decided they'd go out the next day.
It didn't matter how many times she did it both of them would be beyond excited for it. After that the three of them would sit around the kitchen table and discuss all the food that they should bring. Without fail they would demand she make her chocolate macaroons. Without fail she did.
After that he and his brother would usually have to go to school, but during those summer months that kitchen became the only room in the entire house. Well, that and the bathroom, but that was a given.
They'd open all the windows and the patio door so the fresh air could come in. Mama would put on the radio so music would be blasting while they all sang at the top of their lungs. He and Cade would burn at least one item of food though none of them would care. It was perfection.
He could remember the way he and his brother would laugh and play around as she worked making an even bigger mess to clean up later. By the end of the day though the whole house would be filled with the smell of cookies while laughter echoed off the normally quiet hallways.
He had never been a fan of their house. It was so big and empty. It was as if no one lived there. Outside of the kitchen that was. It was always so warm and bright in there. It was not hard to be with the amount of sun shining through the windows.
At least that's what he had thought. Every time he walked into the room he had been filled with so much love and peace. He had loved spending his time there. He probably spent more time in the kitchen than he did anywhere else.
It never occurred to him that it wasn't the sun that was making it so nice in there. Ever since his Mama had been gone though he found himself doing his best to stay out of the kitchen. It wasn't the easiest thing to do and he had skipped more than a few meals over the last few months.
Given how not hungry he felt he wasn't all that upset by it. Cade, on the other hand, was not all that happy with him. His big brother had always been a bit on the protective side, but now it was like he was trying to be a second father. It was annoying.
It also didn't make any sense. Cade was a carefree kind of guy. He loved to ignore everyone else and follow his own heart. Mama had called him a free spirit. She had also called him stupid, but that was only when he landed himself in serious trouble or the hospital.
The more he thought about it though the more he realized that nothing made sense anymore. It was like he was living in a world that wasn't his own anymore. All Chris wanted to do was forget everything that had been happening recently and dream of the world that he used to live in. If only his Mama was still there.
A wave of anger crashed over him at that thought. He loved his Mama with all of his heart, but he couldn't help but hate her at the same time. How could she… Shaking his head Chris knocked the thoughts away.
He had spent so much time asking that question to himself over and over. Every single day he searched for an answer but there was nothing! So this time he let the anger over take him and started to pick up everything he could before launching it into the peaceful lake.
Why did the water get to be so calm when he felt like his world was falling apart? It had been bad enough when his Mama left, but then everything shifted on its axis again before he could even figure out what was going on.
When their father brought that woman, Rose, into their home he had thought it was a sick joke. It hadn't been that long since… He couldn't possibly be married again and he definitely wouldn't have done so without his boys there.
Except he had. He had gotten married to a woman that he had been working with for almost a year. A woman that had come to their house to eat dinner with them! Who did that? Who got married that quickly after their wife…
He hated that woman more than he had hated anyone in his life. That wasn't right. He hated his father way more than her. Where did he get off trying to erase and replace his Mama? She deserved better than he gave her. She always did.
"Chris!" a voice suddenly yelled out echoing through the quiet landscape causing him to freeze, "Christopher? Where are you?"
Dropping the stick in his hands Chris spun around and squinted at the person in the distance. For a moment his heart caught in his throat as he watched a woman race towards him. She looked so like his Mama in that light that he couldn't help but feel hopeful.
Maybe it had all just been a nightmare. Maybe he had fallen asleep by the lake and had dreamed up the whole thing and his Mama was still there looking for him. Then the woman got closer and his heart dropped.
And the closer she got the angrier he felt. How dare she try to take away the one spot he had left? The one spot that meant the most to his Mama. She didn't belong there. She didn't belong with their family at all!
"Chris!" Rose cried out before he could even open his mouth to start yelling her arms wrapping tightly around him as she fell to her knees, "There you are! I was so worried when you didn't come home for lunch and then you didn't come for dinner! No one knew where you were. I was so scared that something had happened!"
Blinking a few times Chris stood stock still as the woman held onto him. It was the first time since she had 'joined' their family that she had touched him and it felt so much nicer than he had thought it would. Not that he had given the woman the chance. He did his best to stay away from her.
"Are you okay?" she asked pulling back and holding him by the shoulders as her eyes raked over him, "You aren't hurt, right?"
"I'm fine," Chris whispered staring at her in confusion, "I don't… What are you doing here?"
"You missed lunch and I know that you've been doing that a lot lately, but then you missed dinner. I looked all over the house to find you, but I couldn't. I asked everyone I ran into if they had seen you and they hadn't either. I was so worried."
"You were worried? About me?"
"Of course. Chris, I've been looking for you for almost two hours. I thought you had..."
Hearing the relief in the woman's voice he couldn't help but feel guilty for his actions. The last thing he had expected was for anyone to even notice that he was gone. No one had noticed when he left before so he thought they just didn't care.
"Oh, before I forget," Rose pulled away from him and pulled a small sandwich bag out of her coat pocket and held it out to him, "I can't cook to save my life, but I thought you'd be hungry so I made you a PB&J to tide you over until we get home. I hope it didn't get too smashed while I was looking for you."
Staring between Rose and the sandwich Chris felt like he couldn't breathe and he had no idea why. It was as if the only thing he could feel was a crushing sadness. Before he could get a hold of his emotions tears began to stream down his face.
Everything seemed to hit him at once. He knew that Rose was just trying to do her best in that moment, but all he could think of was his Mama and the fact that she really was gone and he'd never see her again.
"Chris?" Rose whispered as she placed the sandwich on the ground.
Shaking his head quickly he moved without thinking and threw his arms around her shoulders. Curling into the woman he let himself be comforted by her warmth as he sobbed into her neck. It didn't take long for her to be wrapping her arms around him holding him just as tightly as he held her.
"Oh, Sweetheart," she comforted taking on his full weight as he went limp in her arms, "Shh, I've got you."
"I miss her," Chris cried his words muffled by her neck, "Why did she have to leave? Why wasn't I enough?"
"Now you listen to me, Christopher LaSalle, your mother loved you and your brother with all of her heart."
"Then why did she kill herself?"
Pulling him back Rose forced him to look into her eyes. Her fingers reached up to brush tears off of his face before leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. When she pulled back she had such a fierce look in her eyes he couldn't help but stop and listen.
"Chris," Rose sighed carding a hand through his hair, "I know that it's difficult, but she did care about you."
"If she cared about me so much then why did she kill herself?" Chris questioned desperate for an answer.
"Your mother was sick. She-"
"Mama was sick?"
"Did… No one told you?"
"Told me what?"
A sigh fell from Rose's lips as she moved to sit on the ground before patting the spot next to her. There was a part of Chris that wasn't completely sure he wanted to hear what she had to say, but he knew he needed to know. So he sat next to her silently waiting.
"Your mother had depression," Rose started after a moment.
"Depression?" he questioned cocking his head to the side, "Isn't that when you're really sad all the time?"
"It's a little more complicated than that. It's a mental illness that makes it difficult for people to… It's hard to explain, especially since I don't have depression. I talked to a friend of mine once though and he described it as like living in a colorless world. Everything is there, but it's dulled in a way. It's not like that all the time, but it's also not something that can be controlled. Monitored but never controlled.
"The way he told it some days colors are there and some days they weren't. There were even some people that were so brightly colored that they stood out amongst the normally dull world, but it they weren't always around and he hated leaning on them because he felt like he was burdening them with his sadness.
"There's some medication that can help, but it's not a cure. I did know your mother a little. She was a wonderful person, but she did suffer too. She tried so hard to fight against the depression, but a person can only fight so hard for so long. She loved you and Cade, but she got lost in the dull along the way. In her mind there was only one way to get out of that.
"Sadly that brought her to killing herself. I don't know exactly how it brought her there, but I do know that she'd hate knowing that she hurt you as much as she did. That does not mean she loved you any less than she always had."
Chris sat there letting Rose's words wash over him. He tried to think of what it would be like if there was no color in his world, but he couldn't. How could he have been so blind that he didn't see how much pain his Mama was in? What kind of son missed that?
"I could have helped," Chris said staring at his feet, "If she told me I could have helped."
"It doesn't work that way, Sweetheart," Rose offered wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close so he could lean against her side, "Like I said depression doesn't really have a cure. Some days are better than others and some things help, but the depression is always there. Sometimes it wins. Also, she was your mother. I don't think she was the type of person that would tell if she was suffering. She wouldn't have wanted you to have to worry about her. Worrying was her job."
Chris could admit that the woman was right. His Mama was not the type of person that wanted to have people take care of her. It wasn't who she was. He had gotten that from her. They were caretakers. He had always been proud of that.
Although, he had been told a few times that he also had a bit of his father's temper. That wasn't something he really like about himself. It caused him to do some rather mean things. Like be cruel to a woman that had been nothing but kind to him.
"I'm sorry, Rose," Chris apologized after a moment.
"Whatever for?" the woman questioned in confusion.
"I've been horrible to you."
"You're mourning your Mama, Chris. No one can fault you for that. Especially with your father bringing me into your home without a word. Oh, I yelled at him when I found out he did that to you boys."
"My Mama raised me better. Wait. You yelled at Daddy?"
"Damn right I did. He didn't know what hit him. What do you say we sit here for awhile and you can tell me some stories about your Mama? I imagine you have some stories."
A real smile pulled at his lips for the first time since his Mama died before he started to tell her the first thing that popped in his head. It was the first time since she died that he had been able to talk about her with anyone and not be told to shut up. It was nice to be able to share who she was with someone that actually seemed to care.
"No!" Rose laughed tossing her head back, "You two didn't!"
"We did," Chris nodded laughing himself, "She was laughing so hard she forgot to punish us!"