So there I was, buzzin along, as you do. I was headin out for breakfast, maybe grab some garbage? I dunno, hadn't made it that far. I ain't much of a planner y'know.
Wait, what was I saying? Oh right – there I was. Buzzin along, down this back alley lookin for trash. And BAM. Some jerk slaps me into a wall! Like bro, I wasn't hurtin' nobody! And you whack me! The disgrace! –Oh, side note. I'm a fly. Ok, back to Mr. McJerkface.
Mr. McJerkface slaps me into the wall and mutters "Dang flies, I'm tryin' to work." OF ALL THE THINGS! Was I impeding his work? No! Well, I wasn't gonna take that off a dern American. They may throw out enough food to feed every fly in the country several times over but they sure are rude. So I flew back over and buzzed in his ears.
He slapped me again. I probably should've thought that through a little more. Like I said, I ain't much of a planner.
Well, Mr. McJerkface's buddy, big guy with lots of hair, he says "Dean, look at this." And Mr. McJerkface (I guess his name was Dean but I like mine better) goes over and they're lookin' all intently at somethin' in a trashcan. I decided to head over and check it out because it smelled good and I wasn't about to let Mr. McJerkface and his big friend Brownielocks ruin my breakfast.
BOY HOWDY there was fresh meat in that garbage can! I started chowin' down! I didn't know what type of meat it was but hey, I'll take what I can find.
"Dang, that's nasty." I tried to ignore Mr. McJerkface and his buddy.
"Yup. We should probably figure out who this was."
Mmmmmm sweet, sweet garbage breakfast. I wasn't payin' a whole lotta attention to the fellas until they started puttin' the lid back on the can of gory- sorry, glory I was sittin' in. I mean, HEY NOW I like garbage cans but I didn't wanna be stuck in one! Leave it to McJerkface and Brownielocks to try and trap an innocent fly. Jokes on them 'cause I got outta there quick as lightning.
Well, since I'd been denied my breakfast I decided to follow McJerkface and co. wherever they were goin'. Humans almost always have food somewhere close to 'em.
"What do you think it was?" That was Brownielocks.
"Not sure. Could've been a lotta things. Let's see what Cas found out." McJerkface and his pet tree climbed into the bane of my existence. A car.
Now, normally I don't get into cars with strangers, especially not ones that've tried to kill me twice now. But there was this SMELL comin' from the backseat and MAN I just had to know what it was. So I buzzed myself on in there to investigate.
SWEET LEFTOVERS! They really DID have grub in their car! That's one point for Irwin the fly, zero for Mr. McJerkface! I chowed down on some old sandwich crumbs in the back seat while McJerkface and his brother (I'm guessing they're brothers) argued in the front seat. I notice they do that a lot.
Anyhow, I hadn't considered the fact that once I got in the car I might not be able to get back out. That could be a problem. I buzzed over to the window and tried to fly through. I've never been able to do it myself, but legend has it that a fly once managed to get through the pane. Since y'never know when it'll work you just have to test it.
TUNK.
It didn't work.
"Hey! Get outta my car you dang fly!"
That was McJerkface. By the way, I'm leavin out a lotta this language, because dang, I eat garbage and I don't have that dirty a mouth!
He tried to swat me AGAIN which I didn't appreciate. Brownielocks rolled down the windows, which I thought was considerate except the wind blasted me to the back of the car where I smashed into the back window. Good thing I'm a sturdy fella.
"Dean, watch the road!"
Brownielocks seems to be the smarter of the two. While McJerkface was swatting at me Brownielocks grabbed the wheel and kept us from slamming into another car. They honked at us and McJerkface honked back, with his car AND his mouth. I won't even bother trying to censor that.
Well, by the time he was done blowin' smoke out his ears I'd managed to crawl back to the front and into the vents. There's a tip for you kids- always hide in the vents. They can't reach you in there.
They had some weird stuff in those vents man. I found shiny cubes of plastic in there. Lots of dust too. I think he may need to replace his air filter.
"Sammy, turn on the AC! I'll smack him when he comes out!"
What?
FWOOSH! Dagnabbit. Forgot about air conditioner. Ignore that part about hiding in the vents kids. Not a good idea.
Well, McJerkface had a rolled up newspaper (I hate those things) and he smacked me with it when I came shooting out of the vents. Unfortunately for him, I landed on his brother.
"OW! You hit me!"
"I'm trying to kill that darn fly!"
"DEAN!"
"DIE YA LITTLE CREEP!"
What was with this guy? Did he not have his coffee this morning or what? Well, whatever it was he had horrible aim. He kept smacking his brother with the newspaper even after I'd managed to get off him and onto the door handle. I think he secretly enjoyed it.
"Where'd he go?"
Hehe, I was in plain sight! The door handle was black though so I blended right in. Blended? Blent. Blendiddily. Whatever.
Anyhow, while they were trying to find me I cleaned my wings right on the door handle! HA! Take that McJerkface and your manicured tree! My mama didn't raise a rude fly but she also didn't raise me to take crap off of humans! So there!
"I found him."
"Kill him!"
"Dean, calm down. It's just a fly."
"He's in my car!"
"I'll get him out, just drive!"
Brownielocks tried to shoo me out the window with his giant hand. I decided that I didn't wanna go hurtling down the highway to who-knows-where, so I crawled under his seat and held still. He'd never find me there.
"Did you get him?"
"I'm not sure. I don't see him."
Heh, told ya.
"He better not still be in my car Sammy."
I was definitely still in his car.