Golden Showers Bring May Flowers
Scene I: Blanche At It Again
Sophia, Dorothy, and Rose are all sitting at the kitchen table in their housecoats talking around a platter of cookies.
Rose: I don't know what the big deal is with fig newtons. I think they're too sweet.
Sophia: All, I know is, they help me take a mean dump when I really have to.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: It's a natural function, Dorothy! In Sicily, showing off your turds was a lucky thing to do in the village, especially when you laid a big greaser.
Rose: Now that's just disgusting, Sophia. In St. Olaf, talking like that could get you stoned.
Sophia: I sure feel like getting stoned listening to you old bags yab about your stupid problems.
Rose: Oh, Sophia. Why would you want to die...and in such a horrible way?
Dorothy: Not that stoned, you idiot! Blazed, toasted, high, you bird headed bitch!
Rose: You mean drugs? Oh my stars! That's illegal. You can go to jail!
Sophia pulls a Ziploc bag of what appears to smell like very potent marijuana out of her wicker bag.
Sophia: I got this from Elma at the home. She gets it from her grandson because she has glaucoma. It's called "Cat piss."
Rose: I've got that in my room. It's under my bed and all over my walls. I've smelled it, but, it doesn't make me feel freak-deaky. It made me gag...
Dorothy: Rose...just when did you get a cat? Have you been bringing those strays into your room during the night?
Rose: Uhhh.
Suddenly, Blanche enters the kitchen from the living room. She is huffing and puffing and throws a paper sack of groceries down on the counter.
Blanche: Oh. Hi girls. Is that pot? I need me some of that. I have had an excruciatingly insufferable day and I...I...I think I need to prop my feet up and get a 'lil high.
Sophia: Honey, you won't get just a little high with this shit.
Dorothy: What's wrong, honey?
Blanche: Well...where do I start? First of all, I found out that I am 5 years too old to enter "Miss Southern Belle" beauty pageant. The cut-off age is 35.
Dorothy: COME ON! 5 years, Blanche? Sure, and Oprah and Gale are just "friends"!
Blanche: Well, that's that. Girls, I think we need to say somethin' about this. Now, I am no activist, but I know that this is why we are Americans. We have to honor the history of the women who stood up for equality and justice that came before us, like Susan B. Anthony...and what's that other dike's name?...oh, well. Tee dee. Guess I wasn't that great at history.
Rose: How about Sacajawea!?
Sophia:...SHUT UP, ROSE!
Dorothy: You really are a fuckin' idiot.
Rose starts to tear up and Blanche remains oblivious and self-absorbed in her own problems.
Dorothy: I agree, Blanche. If this makes you feel better about yourself, you should do it.
Blanche: And I have all y'alls help...right?
Sophia: I can help bandy up a group from the nursing home. When we come at 'em, they won't know what hit 'em.
Dorothy: Ma, if we wanted an army of zombies we'd call uncle George.
Blanche: A. Romero?
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche! We don't wanna get sued!
Blanche: And are you gonna help me too, Rose?
Rose: You hurt my feelings. But...I love that you are standing up for what is right, Blanche! Okey-dokey. I'll make the signs and banners.
Blanche: Good. We all gotta organize and jump into the action. Sophia, you call the nursing home and get all them codgers and crones in here. Rose, you go put an ad in the paper stating our cause and when we are gonna start the revolution. Dorothy, you just stay there...and...uh... make a pot of coffee, snacks, or somethin'. Low-fat ones, because I'm trying to keep my beautiful, European figure.
Dorothy: Yes queen bitch.
Blanche: Come again, Dorothy?
Dorothy: That's what he said. Hahahahaha!
Blanche: Sometimes, you can be such a dork, Dorothy.
Dorothy: I know.
Scene II: The Protest!
A huge throng of people is cheering in front of the Miami Convention Center. The group the girls have organized is picketed on one side of the red carpet entrance, while supporters are at the opposite side. The old protesters are in great quantity, and they are clattering their walkers against the sidewalk. Blanche shouts cheers and slogans over a megaphone.
Blanche: What do we want?
Group: Equality for people of all ages!
Blanche: When do we want it?
Group: Now, before we forget why we came here!
Blanche: I'm just so impressed. Thank you all for your kindness. Beauty isn't about age, after all. It's about...BREEDIN'. And I am the true miss southern belle.
Group: Blanche, Blanche she's not too old, she's the gall who'll break the mold!
People are booing and hissing at the old protestors on the opposite side of the red carpet. The contestants walk down the carpet, as the old protestors clack their walkers even louder on the concrete. They take their clothes off and fling their diapers at the contestants and the crowd. Sloppy, stinky fecal matter and rancid brown urine spew all over the other crowd's head. Suddenly, a judge of the competition walks out with two security guards. He approaches Blanche just as one of the security guards gets smacked in the face with a malodorous, soggy diaper.
Judge: Excuse me, mam. What can I do to make you persuade these people to stop harassing our contest?
Blanche: Let me in.
Judge: You? Are you kidding? How old are you, lady?
Blanche: You are only as old as you feel, but now that you mention it, I'm 40.
Judge: Yeah right, lady.
Blanche: I'll suck your dick?
Judge: Okay. Desperate times call for desperate measures. You're in, lady. Or I'll be in...in a few.
Blanche: Oh my gosh, y'all! I just one for all of us. Yipeee! Yes siree!
Dorothy: You just traded sex to get what you wanted. How is this winning one for sexual equality, for justice of the American system?
Blanche: Fuck equality, honey. I'm gonna win me a trophy! Heehee!
Scene III: Walkin' In Style
Blanche unpacks her prepackaged tote of makeup and makes Rose go and get all of her dresses in the car. She primps herself in the mirror and puckers her lips in ecstatic egotism.
Blanche: Hurry up, Rose! I gotta make myself presentable in only 15 minutes. What will I do?
Rose: Got any paint thinner? Huhuh.
Blanche: Shut the hell up! Is everything a joke to you? I'm serious! I only have 15 minutes to get ready!
Rose: Well, all I can say, Blanche, is run a comb through your hair, and a paint roller on your face! Oh Rose, you're being naughty today. Haha.
Blanche: (Pause) Get the hell out of my dressing room and go get Dorothy! She don't know anything about beauty, but...she's good moral support.
Enter Dorothy
Dorothy: I heard that. What do ya need, honey?
Blanche: I need you to tell me I'm beautiful?
Dorothy: Honey, honey. You are beautiful...on the inside, and outside...well, a little. Anyway, you're beautiful to me.
Blanche: Is there somethin' more you wanna tell me, honey?
Dorothy: Yes. I've been waiting for a good opportunity to tell you. Blanche, I'm...
Sophia rushes in the door and distracts Blanche from Dorothy's attention. Dorothy shrugs, and gets up to organize Blanche's wardrobe hanging on the rack.
Sophia: It's one hell of a scene out there. We really did roust 'em, didn't we? We really made some feathers fly.
Blanche: Can you shut up Sophia and get in here? I need your help making me look my most beautiful when I go compete in the swimsuit competition shortly.
Sophia: Who am I...the miracle worker?
A stage girl appears and tells the group Blanche is on in 10. Blanche looks n the mirror, and sees a faint line trembling at the corner of her mouth.
Scene IV: The Grand Finale
Blanche is pacing back stage before the talent competition.
Blanche: Where the hell is Rose with that damn duct tape?
Rose runs toward Blanche nervously.
Rose: I couldn't find any duct tape, Blanche. I found some scotch tape, though...
Blanche: How am I supposed to hold in 40 pounds of loose skin with scotch tape, you stupid ass?
Rose: I gotta bobby pin.
Blanche: Yeah, well. I guess we can use that. Hurry up, you gotta lube me up for the talent show.
Rose: Sorry, I couldn't find any of that, either.
Blanche: Just spit on your hand and poke it in. Make sure you get the dry spots.
Rose: There's nothing but dry spots.
Blanche: It's hard to get wet at my age, especially when I fuck 5 times a day.
Rose: I've got some lotion in my purse.
Blanche: Oh, really? Well, get it out!
Rose mistakes a bottle of hand sanitizer for lotion. Blanche does not see Rose rubbing it in her hoohoo.
Blanche: Ooooo. That's cool in my coocoo. Awww. That's some strong lotion. I'm feeling kinda weird. Oh well.
Rose: Your pussy smells like vodka!
Blanche: Shut up, and glitter me up.
Rose puffs Blanche with glitter all over her body. Tape packs her blubbery body into a fake shape with rough contours, like an oversized heifer.
Blanche: By the way, where are those guys? I called them right when I got here.
4 middle-aged men enter the stage door and greet Blanche.
Blanche: Y'all were supposed to be here a long time ago. We are almost ready to go on. Take them clothes off, now!
The men disrobe to their underwear and flock around Blanche.
Blanche: Show time!
Blanche walks on stage with the 4 guys.
Blanche: (To audience) Hey, y'all. The name's Blanche, and I will make your body blanche when you see what my 'lil talent is. Have any of you had a pet rabbit? Well, I can show him a thing or to he don't even know. I am double jointed, and limber as a celery stick. Just you wait!
Cheesy 1970s b-movie music starts to blare out of the speakers. Blanche walks back and forth across the stage, rubbing her body against various objects and surfaces to the beat of the music. The 4 guys enter from off stage, and start to caress her. They rip off her dressing gown as the audience gasps in revulsion. She whinnies like a horse and slaps her open crotch on the black stage floor. One guy crouches on the floor and inserts himself missionary. Blanche coos in ecstasy. Another guy starts to pee all over Blanche's face as she gradually opens her mouth and drinks the yellow brew. Blanche gyrates in pleasure, and chortles like a pig in the mud. Another man sticks his cock in her mouth as Blanche slips and slides the worm with fast tugs, the pee pee still pouring all over Blanche's face. The last guy, meanwhile, slips his shaft into Blanche's gaping backdoor. She sighs in pleasure and fatigue.
Blanche: (Muffled with dick in her mouth)...this is fuckin' good y'all. I never wanna move!
The audience begins to go berserk, and one man vomits in his hat. One woman screams and faints. Blanche continues to fuck on stage. Blanche, occupied with her many suitors going in an out of her orifices, sees at the corner of her eye, security guards coming down the aisle. Blanche takes the dick out of her mouth.
Blanche: We gotta finish up, boys. Hurry up and cum!
The men all gather round her, squat, and begin to lay hot steamy logs across Blanche's chest. Blanche begins to rub it all over her body, and starts to move as if she is making a snow angel. Just then, a roar of cheer can be heard at the entrance of the ballroom. Hillary Clinton walks down the aisle escorted by the secret service. She walks on stage, and crouches down to meet eye-to-eye with Blanche. Blanche's face is all covered with cum and shit, and Blanche tries to smile. A piece of shit flecks Blanche's tooth, and it makes Blanche appear like there is a missing space in her mouth.
Hillary: Nothing wrong with stinky. I like that in a free, sexual being. Blanche Deveraux, On behalf of the Unites States of America and sexually liberated women everywhere, I'd like to present to you the first ever medal of womanhood. Congratulations!
Hillary Clinton hangs a medal in the shape of a vagina with a dove flying out of it around Blanche's neck. Blanche is speechless. She stares in confusion at Hillary as she is soaked in bodily wastes.
Blanche: Oh, my gosh. I am so flattered to accept your award. Everyone has always called me a slut, but I knew they were ignorant and couldn't see sexual liberation if it bit 'em in the balls.
Dorothy marches on stage and looks in amazement at Hillary Clinton.
Dorothy: So what you're saying is, she fucked 4 guys at the same time on stage, and that makes her a feminist?
Hillary: I don't know what you call it, but I know you are not a feminist. You look like a man.
Dorothy: Do you even know what feminism is?
Hillary: I wouldn't know. I have a penis.
Rose: That still doesn't answer Dorothy's question.
Sophia: Yeah!
Hillary: Times change. Hehehe.
The End