Category: Star Trek Voyager - C/7
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all things contained therein are the property of Paramount and Viacom. I will receive no profit from this story.
Author: Raven
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing a parody. Please be kind in your reviews.
Background: Lets just pretend for a moment that Voyager is still in the Delta Quadrant and Tuvok hasn't lost his mind yet. It's almost 9 years and Voyager is still more than 30,000 light years from Earth.
Title: The Caretaker's Cousin
Janeway: Captain's Log Stardate 69474218694742186.7. Our long ranged sensors have picked up an energy source originating a few light years from our position. The last time we saw this type of pattern was being generated by the Caretaker's array back when we first arrived in the Delta Quadrant. With this discovery, we've altered course to investigate. Computer...end log.
BRIDGE
The fearless Captain is slumped over her seat with her legs dangling over the side. She takes a sip of coffee from a cup the size of her head.
Janeway: Tom...warp nine.
Tom: Umm...Captain, Engineering is running a diagnostic on the warp core...its offline at the moment.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Why am I always the last one to find out? ...and where's Chakotay?
Harry: Umm...I think he mentioned he was going to help Seven with some kind of research.
Janeway: (exhaling deeply) I bet he is. Bridge to Chakotay!
No response.
Janeway: Bridge to Commander Chakotay! Respond or prepare to spend the night in the brig.
Chakotay: (V.O. breathless) Go ahead Kathryn.
Janeway: Listen to me very carefully Commander. Get off of her and report to the bridge! Now!
Chakotay: (V.O. annoyed) Okay...fine...whatever.
CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
Seven: (kissing Chakotay all over his face) I wish for you to stay.
Chakotay: (trying to speak between kisses) I'd love to, but you heard the Captain, she'll put me in the brig if I don't report to the bridge.
Seven: Mmm...the brig, sounds exciting.
Chakotay: We won't be alone.
Seven: You mean people will be able to watch?
Chakotay: (curious) Wow! I didn't know you were so kinky.
Seven: There are several things about me you don't know. Remember, as a Borg, I helped to assimilate millions. At any given time, I can access thousands of different sexual mating practices.
Chakotay: (hyperventilating) Really?
Seven: (seductively) Really.
Chakotay: (weakening) But I have a reputation to adhere to. I'm second in command.
Seven: (disappointed) Very well, we'll resume our research later.
Chakotay: Cool.
The ex-Maquis officer peels himself away from the ex-drone and sprints to the Command center.
BRIDGE
Chakotay arrives on the bridge wearing his tunic inside out. Janeway rolls her eyes at the
spectacle. Realizing his mistake, he quickly corrects the error and takes his seat next to
the Captain.
Chakotay: What's up?
Janeway: Maybe I should ask you.
Chakotay: What do you mean?
Janeway: You know you're supposed to be on duty and why isn't Seven at her post?
Chakotay: I gave her the day off...it's her birthday.
Janeway: No it isn't.
Chakotay: (thinking) Then, it's her mother's birthday.
Janeway: Try again.
Chakotay: (thinking hard) Her father? Yah, that's it. It's his birthday.
Janeway: (exhaling deeply) Whatever. Who's watching Astrometrics?
Chakotay: Icheb.
Janeway: Icheb? Wasn't he on the beta shift last night?
Chakotay: Umm...yah...I believe so. He's young...he can handle it. I gave him coffee.
Janeway: You did what?
Chakotay: He's taken quite a liking to it and not to mention, it's made him quite efficient. Tuvok would agree...wouldn't you?
Tuvok: Indeed. Last night Icheb woke me at 0300 hours to read his essay on Warp Field Theory.
Janeway: What's so strange about that?
Tuvok: It took him half an hour to write 500 pages.
Janeway: (trying to conceal her amusement) Maybe we should have the Doctor check him out.
Tom: ...if we could catch him.
Just as Janeway is about to comment, the turbolift door opens and Icheb runs out onto the bridge.
He's out of breath and perspiring. He blurts out something incomprehensible and runs off the
bridge.
Janeway: What the hell was that about? Harry, what did he say?
Harry: I'm not even sure it was English. Should I run it through the universal translator?
Janeway gives Harry a dirty look.
Janeway: Tuvok, I want you to go after him. Sedate him if you have to, but get him to sickbay.
Tuvok: (smiling) With pleasure.
Janeway: What?
Tuvok: (clears his throat) I mean...understood.
Harry: What about Astrometrics? Who's going to cover it?
Janeway: I'll take care it. Bridge to Seven of Nine.
No answer.
Janeway: Bridge to Seven of Nine!?
Still no response. Janeway clinches her jaw and exhales deeply.
Janeway: Computer...locate Seven of Nine.
Computer: Seven of Nine is in Commander Chakotay's Quarters.
Janeway: (looking at Chakotay) Care to explain?
Chakotay: Maybe I should go and get her.
Janeway: No! You stay...I'll go.
A few moments later...
Janeway storms out of the turbolift and approaches the Commander's quarters. The force of her steps could be felt throughout the deck. She hits the button to allow herself access, but it's locked from the inside.
Janeway: (annoyed) Computer, open Commander Chakotay's quarters, override code , Janeway Alpha-Beta 47.
CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
The door opens to a room full of steam. Janeway enters and approaches the bathroom where Seven is soaking in a bubble bath. To her amusement, the ex-drone is singing.
Seven: "That old black magic has me in its spell. That old black magic that we weave so well. Those eyes see fingers up and down my spine. The same old witchcraft when your eyes are mine..."
Janeway is taken back by the sound of music.
(author's note)
No, this is not going to turn into the Von Trapp family, I just couldn't resist the reference. By the
way, just in case you didn't know, this was the second song Seven sang in the Killing Game.
Back to our program...
Interrupting the song, Janeway resumes her objective.
Janeway: Seven...what are you doing?
Seven: Singing.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Why aren't you in Astrometrics?
Seven: I needed a bath. Astrometrics didn't have a tub.
Janeway is speechless.
Janeway: Since when do the Borg take baths?
Seven: As you have pointed out quite often, I am no longer Borg.
Janeway: Well, I'm glad you finally accept your humanity but at the same time I expect all members of this crew to be responsible and report to their posts as scheduled.
Seven: Commander Chakotay gave me the day off...it's my Aunt's birthday.
Janeway: You're Aunt? I see. (getting angry) I don't care if it's your birthday. I want you to report to your station immediately. Do I make myself clear?
Seven: Yes Captain...I will comply after my bath. Since you're here, can you please hand me that towel?
Janeway doesn't acknowledge her Astrometrics officer. Instead she abruptly storms out of the
quarters and heads back to the bridge.
Seven: (exhales deeply) Bitch!
BRIDGE
Meanwhile the remaining bridge officers are having a testosterone contest.
Tom: You think that's good, I once did it with triplets without gravity...and no wires! Talk about flexibility. How about you Harry...any good stories?
Harry: Libby and I once did it at her parent's house.
Chakotay: Were they there?
Harry: No...thank God. But we were really scared.
Tom: (not impressed) Wow Harry...quite the daredevil. What about you Chakotay? You've got to have some good stories with Seven. She's every man's wet dream.
Chakotay: Well actually, there was this time in Cargo Bay 2. We programmed her alcove...
Just as Chakotay is about to share the story, the turbolift opens and reveals Janeway. The
bridge crew go silent. Tom distorts his face to warn the First Officer.
Chakotay: (whispering) She's behind me isn't she?
Tom bobs his head up and down.
Chakotay: (whispers to Tom) Later...
Tom: (whispers to Chakotay) Cool...
The Captain looks around, takes her seat and notices that her tactical officer is not at his post.
Janeway: What's the word on Icheb?
Harry: The last we heard he was seen on deck 11. Tuvok is gaining on him but he's still having problems keeping up. It seems Icheb is able to anticipate his every move.
Janeway: Well, he is bright. Didn't he beat him at Kal-Tow?
Harry: Yep, I was there. You should have seen Tuvok, he's not a very good sport when he loses. I thought for sure he was going to knock Icheb on his butt...
Janeway: (interrupting) That's enough Harry! We get the idea.
Harry: (Cowering) Yes Ma'am.
Janeway: Any word on the diagnostic?
Chakotay: The last we heard, it was going to take another few hours before we could go to warp speed.
Tom: We could always get out and push.
Janeway shoots Tom a dirty look.
Janeway: Bridge to Torres.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Torres here...what do you want!
Janeway: I need warp speed within the hour.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) ...and I once wanted to be prom queen, but that didn't happen. Dream on Captain.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Just give me a status report.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) You mean, how much longer? Well, if it were up to me, this would have been completed hours ago, but thanks to Vorik, it's taking forever.
Janeway: What does Vorik have to do with this? You're the Chief Engineer, not him.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Don't remind me. When I reported to work this morning, he was running a level 13 diagnostic. He's trying to be thorough.
Janeway: B'Elanna, we don't have a level 13 diagnostic.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) We do now.
Janeway: (rubbing her temples) Just report to me when you have some good news.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Yah...right...whatever. Torres out.
Harry, who is at his Ops station, tries to get Janeway's attention by waving his arms.
Janeway: (annoyed) What!?
Harry: (excited) Captain...I've got a fix on the energy source. We're within range of hailing them!
Janeway: (bored) Open a channel.
Harry: (excited) Its open...go ahead Captain!
Janeway: (still bored) This is Kathryn Janeway of the Federation...
The transmission is interrupted.
Alien: (V.O.) Voyager? Is this the Starship Voyager?
Confused by the enthusiastic response, the bridge officers exchange looks.
Tom: Seems friendly enough.
Janeway: I'm sorry...do we know you?
Alien: My cousin told me all about you.
Chakotay: Your cousin?
Alien: Oh...I'm sorry. You knew him as the Caretaker of the O'Campans. You can call me CT2.
Janeway bolts out of her seat.
Janeway: You're a Caretaker?
CT2: Sort of, in a way. Why don't you and your crew visit my space station. I'd love to show you around.
Janeway: Hell yah! I mean...That will be acceptable.
The transmission is terminated.
Janeway: Chakotay, assemble an away team and take the Delta Flyer. We'll catch up with you as soon as the core is up and running.
Chakotay: Okie Dokie.
Chakotay looks around the bridge for volunteers. Harry is bursting at the seams to join the away
team.
Chakotay: Tom, you can drive.
Tom: Cool.
Harry starts jumping up and down.
Chakotay: (ignoring Harry) Bridge to Engineering.
B'Elanna: (V.O. Irritated) P'Taq! I told you it'll take at least a few hours! Stop bugging me or I'll rip your head off!
Chakotay: Is that anyway to address your Commander?
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Oh! Sorry! I thought you were someone else.
Chakotay: Anyway, that's not why I'm calling. We're taking the Delta Flyer out, care to join us?
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Hell yah! I mean...I'll meet you in the shuttle bay.
Chakotay: Done.
Janeway: That's it? Just the three of you? I thought for sure Seven would be going along.
Chakotay: Oh...she is...I just haven't told her yet. I'd rather tell her in person.
Janeway: I bet you would.
Harry: What about me Commander? Can I come?
Chakotay: With Icheb and Seven out of Astrometrics, you're next in line to cover. Sorry Harry, maybe next time.
Harry: I never get to have any fun.
Disappointed, the Ops officer huffs, crosses his arms and runs off the bridge.
Janeway: Should we ground him?
SHUTTLE BAY
An hour later Tom and B'Elanna enter the shuttle bay. They look around and notice Chakotay
and Seven are no where to be found. Entering the shuttle, they hear a rather colorful dialogue
accompanied by unusual activity.
Seven: Assimilate me! Yes, that's it! Give it to me my angry warrior! Who's your queen!?
Chakotay: Take that your Highness! Resistance is futile! You Must Comply!
Tom and B'Elanna are shocked by the spectacle and quickly exit the shuttle.
B'Elanna: Did you see that?
Tom: I'm not sure. I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe we should give them a few more minutes.
Several hours later, Tom and B'Elanna have just completed their 14th game of Battleship.
Chakotay and Seven finally exit the shuttle looking as though nothing happened.
Chakotay: All right...we're all here. Let's go.
The Delta Flyer leaves the shuttle bay and engages their warp engines.
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Janeway: Bridge to Commander Tuvok
Tuvok: (V.O.) Go ahead Captain.
Janeway: Have you apprehended Icheb?
Tuvok: (V.O) Not yet, he is being most illogical. Logic dictates we should gas him.
Janeway: How do you suppose we do that?
Tuvok: (V.O.) The most efficient method is to introduce gas through the ventilation ducts.
Janeway: But that means we'll have to gas an entire deck.
Tuvok: (V.O.) That's correct.
Janeway: Do it!
Harry: Umm...Captain? Shouldn't we evacuate that deck?
Janeway: (thinking about it) Nah...
Back on the Delta Flyer...
DELTA FLYER
Tom: At this speed, our ETA is about 20 minutes.
Seven: Sensors are detecting a structure directly ahead.
Chakotay: Are you detecting any life-signs?
Seven: Yes.
B'Elanna: That's it? Just yes?
Seven: What further response do you require?
B'Elanna: How about some specifics.
Seven: You've often indicated my responses are too...involved.
B'Elanna: My mistake. Please continue...
Seven: Very well. It seems there are several species within the structure. I'm detecting 147 Brunali, 113 Hirogen, 87 Kazon, 53 Talaxian, 47 O'Campan, 23 Bolian...
B'Elanna: (interrupting) All Right! Enough already!
Seven shoots B'Elanna a dirty look. B'Elanna sticks out her tongue.
Tom: We're coming into view of the space station.
Chakotay: What the hell...?
B'Elanna: It looks like a huge circus tent.
Seven: I've never been to the circus.
Chakotay: Really? We'll have to try that.
Tom and B'Elanna exchange looks of confusion.
B'Elanna: I don't get it. Where's the array?
Chakotay: Is this someone's idea of a joke?
Seven: There is an array. It's at the heart of the structure. Its specifications are similar to those of the original array that sent Voyager into the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: Okay, lets proceed with caution. After all, looks can be deceiving.
Tom: Yah...maybe Bozo really is evil.
B'Elanna: There's a docking bay to the right.
Tom: I see it. Hold on.
The Delta Flyer approaches the docking bay and is instructed to cut engines. They are brought
in on a tractor beam of some sort. After landing safely, a welcome committee approaches and
escorts them into the facility where they are brought to meet the head honcho who bears a
striking resemblance to Brannon Braga.
SPACE STATION
Seven: He is most appealing.
Chakotay, Tom and B'Elanna give Seven a strange look.
Chakotay: (worried) We'll discuss this later.
CT2: Welcome to my abode. Can we get you something?
Chakotay: No thank you...we're fine. I'm Commander Chakotay of Voyager. These are my crewmen; Lieutenants Paris and Torres and Seven of Nine.
CT2: (interested) Seven of Nine...have we met?
Chakotay: (jealous) No! You haven't!
CT2: Before I take you on a tour, let my people show you to your quarters so you may freshen up. Ms. Nine, I'll be more than happy to show you yours.
B'Elanna: I bet you would.
Chakotay: (wrapping his arm around Seven) That won't be necessary...we won't be staying long!
CT2: Suit yourself.
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Still no word on the warp engines, Janeway is slumped in her seat with her head straight back,
snoring away. Harry, who is at his Ops station, lines up spit wads on his consul and prepares to
aim for the Captain's open mouth. Before his first attempt, Tuvok enters the bridge and glares at
the mischievous ensign. Harry begins to pound his consul in disappointment. Tuvok purposely
raises the volume of his voice to wake the napping captain.
Tuvok: Captain!?
She falls out of her chair.
Janeway: (disoriented) Wha...what? Are we there yet? (clearing her throat) How is he?
Tuvok: Icheb is in sickbay. He's being treated by the Doctor.
Janeway: (yawning) Any problems?
Tuvok: Besides having a third of the crew unconscious, everything is operating normally.
Janeway: (gulping her coffee) One third of the crew?
Tuvok: Yes...unfortunately deck 9 was heavily populated when we released the gas.
Harry: See... I told you we should have evacuated them first.
Janeway: Shut up Harry!
Harry: But Captain...?
Tuvok: Ensign...you are relieved of duty. Go to your room.
Harry lowers his head and dejectedly leaves the bridge.
Janeway: Thank you Mr. Tuvok. Any word on the away team?
Tuvok: They have reached the space station. No other communication has been made.
Janeway: That's odd. Chakotay usually checks in every 5 minutes.
Tuvok: Logic dictates the away team is in trouble since the Commander has not checked in. Our only course of action is to destroy the station.
Janeway: Works for me.
Tuvok: We should load all transphasic torpedoes and tri-cobalt devices.
Janeway: Do it! I'll be in sickbay.
SICKBAY
Icheb is strapped to a diagnostic bed as the Doctor tries to sedate him. Whenever the Doctor gets
close, Icheb spits at him and yells out a profanity. Janeway enters to check on the wild teenage
Brunali male.
Janeway: Doctor, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: You tell me. The Commander gave him coffee.
Janeway: That's it? Coffee did this to him? He looks possessed.
Doctor: Not everybody reacts to caffeine as humans do. It's almost as though he's ingested a hallucinogen.
Just as Janeway is about to respond, Icheb starts to yell out gibberish stuff.
Icheb: Abooga Jugga, boogy toogie, wugga! Abooga Jugga, boogy toogie, wugga!
Janeway: What the hell is he saying?
Doctor: Who knows. He's been babbling this nonsense for the past hour. He's giving me a holographic headache.
Janeway: Well, shut him up!
Doctor: Gladly.
As Janeway distracts the young Brunali, the Doctor climbs on top of Icheb's chest and applies a
hypospray to his neck. Icheb slowly looses consciousness. Both the Captain and the Doctor let
out a huge sigh of relief.
Janeway: Thank you Doctor. Let me know if or when his condition changes.
Doctor: Yes Captain.
Meanwhile, back with the away team...The tour is underway.
SPACE STATION
Tom: It's like a huge holodeck.
CT2: That's correct Lieutenant Paris. Every one of my guests is able to experience their fantasies.
Tom: What kind of fantasies?
CT2: All kinds. There are no limits.
Chakotay: I'm curious, what do you get in return?
CT2: You can't put a price on happiness.
Tom: Oh...I don't know about that...try us.
CT2: It's really not much...you're crew...your ship...the Borg...that's all.
Chakotay takes a swing at CT2 but misses.
Seven: We will not comply!
B'Elanna: I can't believe it, we've actually found an intergalactic pimp.
Chakotay: We're getting out of here, right now!
CT2: (disappointed) Very well. You may leave, but the Borg stays!
B'Elanna: Fine with me...lets go.
Chakotay and Tom shoot B'Elanna a dirty look.
B'Elanna: Just kidding!
Chakotay: We're leaving. All of us!
Just as CT2 orders his men to apprehend the away team, the large tent begins to collapse. To their surprise, Voyager has fired upon the space station.
B'Elanna: What in Kahless's name is that?
Seven: This structure is losing containment, we must leave!
Tom: To the shuttle! Follow me!
Tom is struck by a fallen beam. B'Elanna runs over and throws him over her shoulder.
B'Elanna: Follow me!
Chakotay: Yes Sir!
They arrive at the shuttle. Chakotay takes the helm as B'Elanna cares for an unconscious Tom.
Seven: Perhaps I should take the helm.
Chakotay: Don't you trust my piloting skills?
Seven: No.
Chakotay: Why do you say that? I've been doing this most of my life.
Seven: If memory serves me right, you're responsible for the destruction of 47 shuttles.
Chakotay: Have faith. Like Tom would say, "sit back, relax and enjoy the ride".
Seven tries her best to relax but ends up digging her nails into the consul. The shuttle escapes but not before scraping the side of the shuttle bay door.
Chakotay: Oops.
Seven glares at him.
Back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Janeway: Again Mr. Tuvok!
Tuvok: Got em! (clears his throat) I mean...direct hit Captain.
As the firing continues, the turbolift door opens and reveals a solemn looking Ensign Kim.
Janeway: What do you want Harry?
Harry: I promise to behave.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Fine...take your post.
The eager ensign skips to his station.
Tuvok: Captain...should I fire the rest of our weapons?
Janeway: Do it!
Harry: Umm...Captain? I'm picking up the away team. Tom's been hurt.
Janeway: (concerned) Who's driving?
Harry: Oh no! It can't be! Commander Chakotay's at the helm!
Janeway: (scared) Harry, get a transporter lock on them immediately!
Harry: Yes ma'am.
Tuvok: Captain...it seems the space station is producing some kind of singularity.
Janeway: Yah...so. What about it?
Harry: (yelling) It's pulling us in!!!!
Janeway: Tuvok!
Tuvok whips out his phaser and stuns Harry.
Janeway: Thank you Mr. Tuvok...I don't know why we keep him around.
Tuvok: Captain...may I suggest we transport the away team. The shuttle is on the verge of complete structural failure. They've already lost life support.
Janeway: Do it!
Just as the away team is brought on board, the shuttle explodes.
SICK BAY
Seven: (looking at Chakotay) Make that 48 shuttles.
Chakotay shrugs his shoulders.
Seven: Why is Icheb here?
Doctor: (pointing at Chakotay) Einstein here gave him coffee.
Seven: First you poison my protégé and then you destroy another shuttle. I don't think it'll work between us. We're through.
Chakotay: (worried) Oh come on Seven. I promise to make it up to you.
Seven: How?
Chakotay: (thinking about it) The brig at 0200 hours?
Seven: (raising her eyebrow) Done.
Several hours later, all senior officers are on the bridge.
BRIDGE
Tom: So, what happened to the space station?
Tuvok: (smiling) We blew it up!
Bridge Crew: Huh?
Tuvok: (clearing his throat) I mean...we neutralized it.
Chakotay: But Captain, that array could have gotten us home.
Janeway: Yah...well, we'll find another way. No biggy. It shouldn't take us that much longer. What do you think Seven? What's your estimation?
Seven: If we calculate the amount of times we alter course to explore new worlds and civilizations, various species and their cultures, diverse technologies, astro-phenomena and spatial anomalies...
B'Elanna: (interrupting) Get on with it Seven!
Seven: We should reach the Alpha Quadrant in approximately 147 years.
Janeway: Well then...Tom...set a course...for home.
The End...?
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all things contained therein are the property of Paramount and Viacom. I will receive no profit from this story.
Author: Raven
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing a parody. Please be kind in your reviews.
Background: Lets just pretend for a moment that Voyager is still in the Delta Quadrant and Tuvok hasn't lost his mind yet. It's almost 9 years and Voyager is still more than 30,000 light years from Earth.
Title: The Caretaker's Cousin
Janeway: Captain's Log Stardate 69474218694742186.7. Our long ranged sensors have picked up an energy source originating a few light years from our position. The last time we saw this type of pattern was being generated by the Caretaker's array back when we first arrived in the Delta Quadrant. With this discovery, we've altered course to investigate. Computer...end log.
BRIDGE
The fearless Captain is slumped over her seat with her legs dangling over the side. She takes a sip of coffee from a cup the size of her head.
Janeway: Tom...warp nine.
Tom: Umm...Captain, Engineering is running a diagnostic on the warp core...its offline at the moment.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Why am I always the last one to find out? ...and where's Chakotay?
Harry: Umm...I think he mentioned he was going to help Seven with some kind of research.
Janeway: (exhaling deeply) I bet he is. Bridge to Chakotay!
No response.
Janeway: Bridge to Commander Chakotay! Respond or prepare to spend the night in the brig.
Chakotay: (V.O. breathless) Go ahead Kathryn.
Janeway: Listen to me very carefully Commander. Get off of her and report to the bridge! Now!
Chakotay: (V.O. annoyed) Okay...fine...whatever.
CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
Seven: (kissing Chakotay all over his face) I wish for you to stay.
Chakotay: (trying to speak between kisses) I'd love to, but you heard the Captain, she'll put me in the brig if I don't report to the bridge.
Seven: Mmm...the brig, sounds exciting.
Chakotay: We won't be alone.
Seven: You mean people will be able to watch?
Chakotay: (curious) Wow! I didn't know you were so kinky.
Seven: There are several things about me you don't know. Remember, as a Borg, I helped to assimilate millions. At any given time, I can access thousands of different sexual mating practices.
Chakotay: (hyperventilating) Really?
Seven: (seductively) Really.
Chakotay: (weakening) But I have a reputation to adhere to. I'm second in command.
Seven: (disappointed) Very well, we'll resume our research later.
Chakotay: Cool.
The ex-Maquis officer peels himself away from the ex-drone and sprints to the Command center.
BRIDGE
Chakotay arrives on the bridge wearing his tunic inside out. Janeway rolls her eyes at the
spectacle. Realizing his mistake, he quickly corrects the error and takes his seat next to
the Captain.
Chakotay: What's up?
Janeway: Maybe I should ask you.
Chakotay: What do you mean?
Janeway: You know you're supposed to be on duty and why isn't Seven at her post?
Chakotay: I gave her the day off...it's her birthday.
Janeway: No it isn't.
Chakotay: (thinking) Then, it's her mother's birthday.
Janeway: Try again.
Chakotay: (thinking hard) Her father? Yah, that's it. It's his birthday.
Janeway: (exhaling deeply) Whatever. Who's watching Astrometrics?
Chakotay: Icheb.
Janeway: Icheb? Wasn't he on the beta shift last night?
Chakotay: Umm...yah...I believe so. He's young...he can handle it. I gave him coffee.
Janeway: You did what?
Chakotay: He's taken quite a liking to it and not to mention, it's made him quite efficient. Tuvok would agree...wouldn't you?
Tuvok: Indeed. Last night Icheb woke me at 0300 hours to read his essay on Warp Field Theory.
Janeway: What's so strange about that?
Tuvok: It took him half an hour to write 500 pages.
Janeway: (trying to conceal her amusement) Maybe we should have the Doctor check him out.
Tom: ...if we could catch him.
Just as Janeway is about to comment, the turbolift door opens and Icheb runs out onto the bridge.
He's out of breath and perspiring. He blurts out something incomprehensible and runs off the
bridge.
Janeway: What the hell was that about? Harry, what did he say?
Harry: I'm not even sure it was English. Should I run it through the universal translator?
Janeway gives Harry a dirty look.
Janeway: Tuvok, I want you to go after him. Sedate him if you have to, but get him to sickbay.
Tuvok: (smiling) With pleasure.
Janeway: What?
Tuvok: (clears his throat) I mean...understood.
Harry: What about Astrometrics? Who's going to cover it?
Janeway: I'll take care it. Bridge to Seven of Nine.
No answer.
Janeway: Bridge to Seven of Nine!?
Still no response. Janeway clinches her jaw and exhales deeply.
Janeway: Computer...locate Seven of Nine.
Computer: Seven of Nine is in Commander Chakotay's Quarters.
Janeway: (looking at Chakotay) Care to explain?
Chakotay: Maybe I should go and get her.
Janeway: No! You stay...I'll go.
A few moments later...
Janeway storms out of the turbolift and approaches the Commander's quarters. The force of her steps could be felt throughout the deck. She hits the button to allow herself access, but it's locked from the inside.
Janeway: (annoyed) Computer, open Commander Chakotay's quarters, override code , Janeway Alpha-Beta 47.
CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
The door opens to a room full of steam. Janeway enters and approaches the bathroom where Seven is soaking in a bubble bath. To her amusement, the ex-drone is singing.
Seven: "That old black magic has me in its spell. That old black magic that we weave so well. Those eyes see fingers up and down my spine. The same old witchcraft when your eyes are mine..."
Janeway is taken back by the sound of music.
(author's note)
No, this is not going to turn into the Von Trapp family, I just couldn't resist the reference. By the
way, just in case you didn't know, this was the second song Seven sang in the Killing Game.
Back to our program...
Interrupting the song, Janeway resumes her objective.
Janeway: Seven...what are you doing?
Seven: Singing.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Why aren't you in Astrometrics?
Seven: I needed a bath. Astrometrics didn't have a tub.
Janeway is speechless.
Janeway: Since when do the Borg take baths?
Seven: As you have pointed out quite often, I am no longer Borg.
Janeway: Well, I'm glad you finally accept your humanity but at the same time I expect all members of this crew to be responsible and report to their posts as scheduled.
Seven: Commander Chakotay gave me the day off...it's my Aunt's birthday.
Janeway: You're Aunt? I see. (getting angry) I don't care if it's your birthday. I want you to report to your station immediately. Do I make myself clear?
Seven: Yes Captain...I will comply after my bath. Since you're here, can you please hand me that towel?
Janeway doesn't acknowledge her Astrometrics officer. Instead she abruptly storms out of the
quarters and heads back to the bridge.
Seven: (exhales deeply) Bitch!
BRIDGE
Meanwhile the remaining bridge officers are having a testosterone contest.
Tom: You think that's good, I once did it with triplets without gravity...and no wires! Talk about flexibility. How about you Harry...any good stories?
Harry: Libby and I once did it at her parent's house.
Chakotay: Were they there?
Harry: No...thank God. But we were really scared.
Tom: (not impressed) Wow Harry...quite the daredevil. What about you Chakotay? You've got to have some good stories with Seven. She's every man's wet dream.
Chakotay: Well actually, there was this time in Cargo Bay 2. We programmed her alcove...
Just as Chakotay is about to share the story, the turbolift opens and reveals Janeway. The
bridge crew go silent. Tom distorts his face to warn the First Officer.
Chakotay: (whispering) She's behind me isn't she?
Tom bobs his head up and down.
Chakotay: (whispers to Tom) Later...
Tom: (whispers to Chakotay) Cool...
The Captain looks around, takes her seat and notices that her tactical officer is not at his post.
Janeway: What's the word on Icheb?
Harry: The last we heard he was seen on deck 11. Tuvok is gaining on him but he's still having problems keeping up. It seems Icheb is able to anticipate his every move.
Janeway: Well, he is bright. Didn't he beat him at Kal-Tow?
Harry: Yep, I was there. You should have seen Tuvok, he's not a very good sport when he loses. I thought for sure he was going to knock Icheb on his butt...
Janeway: (interrupting) That's enough Harry! We get the idea.
Harry: (Cowering) Yes Ma'am.
Janeway: Any word on the diagnostic?
Chakotay: The last we heard, it was going to take another few hours before we could go to warp speed.
Tom: We could always get out and push.
Janeway shoots Tom a dirty look.
Janeway: Bridge to Torres.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Torres here...what do you want!
Janeway: I need warp speed within the hour.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) ...and I once wanted to be prom queen, but that didn't happen. Dream on Captain.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Just give me a status report.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) You mean, how much longer? Well, if it were up to me, this would have been completed hours ago, but thanks to Vorik, it's taking forever.
Janeway: What does Vorik have to do with this? You're the Chief Engineer, not him.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Don't remind me. When I reported to work this morning, he was running a level 13 diagnostic. He's trying to be thorough.
Janeway: B'Elanna, we don't have a level 13 diagnostic.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) We do now.
Janeway: (rubbing her temples) Just report to me when you have some good news.
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Yah...right...whatever. Torres out.
Harry, who is at his Ops station, tries to get Janeway's attention by waving his arms.
Janeway: (annoyed) What!?
Harry: (excited) Captain...I've got a fix on the energy source. We're within range of hailing them!
Janeway: (bored) Open a channel.
Harry: (excited) Its open...go ahead Captain!
Janeway: (still bored) This is Kathryn Janeway of the Federation...
The transmission is interrupted.
Alien: (V.O.) Voyager? Is this the Starship Voyager?
Confused by the enthusiastic response, the bridge officers exchange looks.
Tom: Seems friendly enough.
Janeway: I'm sorry...do we know you?
Alien: My cousin told me all about you.
Chakotay: Your cousin?
Alien: Oh...I'm sorry. You knew him as the Caretaker of the O'Campans. You can call me CT2.
Janeway bolts out of her seat.
Janeway: You're a Caretaker?
CT2: Sort of, in a way. Why don't you and your crew visit my space station. I'd love to show you around.
Janeway: Hell yah! I mean...That will be acceptable.
The transmission is terminated.
Janeway: Chakotay, assemble an away team and take the Delta Flyer. We'll catch up with you as soon as the core is up and running.
Chakotay: Okie Dokie.
Chakotay looks around the bridge for volunteers. Harry is bursting at the seams to join the away
team.
Chakotay: Tom, you can drive.
Tom: Cool.
Harry starts jumping up and down.
Chakotay: (ignoring Harry) Bridge to Engineering.
B'Elanna: (V.O. Irritated) P'Taq! I told you it'll take at least a few hours! Stop bugging me or I'll rip your head off!
Chakotay: Is that anyway to address your Commander?
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Oh! Sorry! I thought you were someone else.
Chakotay: Anyway, that's not why I'm calling. We're taking the Delta Flyer out, care to join us?
B'Elanna: (V.O.) Hell yah! I mean...I'll meet you in the shuttle bay.
Chakotay: Done.
Janeway: That's it? Just the three of you? I thought for sure Seven would be going along.
Chakotay: Oh...she is...I just haven't told her yet. I'd rather tell her in person.
Janeway: I bet you would.
Harry: What about me Commander? Can I come?
Chakotay: With Icheb and Seven out of Astrometrics, you're next in line to cover. Sorry Harry, maybe next time.
Harry: I never get to have any fun.
Disappointed, the Ops officer huffs, crosses his arms and runs off the bridge.
Janeway: Should we ground him?
SHUTTLE BAY
An hour later Tom and B'Elanna enter the shuttle bay. They look around and notice Chakotay
and Seven are no where to be found. Entering the shuttle, they hear a rather colorful dialogue
accompanied by unusual activity.
Seven: Assimilate me! Yes, that's it! Give it to me my angry warrior! Who's your queen!?
Chakotay: Take that your Highness! Resistance is futile! You Must Comply!
Tom and B'Elanna are shocked by the spectacle and quickly exit the shuttle.
B'Elanna: Did you see that?
Tom: I'm not sure. I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe we should give them a few more minutes.
Several hours later, Tom and B'Elanna have just completed their 14th game of Battleship.
Chakotay and Seven finally exit the shuttle looking as though nothing happened.
Chakotay: All right...we're all here. Let's go.
The Delta Flyer leaves the shuttle bay and engages their warp engines.
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Janeway: Bridge to Commander Tuvok
Tuvok: (V.O.) Go ahead Captain.
Janeway: Have you apprehended Icheb?
Tuvok: (V.O) Not yet, he is being most illogical. Logic dictates we should gas him.
Janeway: How do you suppose we do that?
Tuvok: (V.O.) The most efficient method is to introduce gas through the ventilation ducts.
Janeway: But that means we'll have to gas an entire deck.
Tuvok: (V.O.) That's correct.
Janeway: Do it!
Harry: Umm...Captain? Shouldn't we evacuate that deck?
Janeway: (thinking about it) Nah...
Back on the Delta Flyer...
DELTA FLYER
Tom: At this speed, our ETA is about 20 minutes.
Seven: Sensors are detecting a structure directly ahead.
Chakotay: Are you detecting any life-signs?
Seven: Yes.
B'Elanna: That's it? Just yes?
Seven: What further response do you require?
B'Elanna: How about some specifics.
Seven: You've often indicated my responses are too...involved.
B'Elanna: My mistake. Please continue...
Seven: Very well. It seems there are several species within the structure. I'm detecting 147 Brunali, 113 Hirogen, 87 Kazon, 53 Talaxian, 47 O'Campan, 23 Bolian...
B'Elanna: (interrupting) All Right! Enough already!
Seven shoots B'Elanna a dirty look. B'Elanna sticks out her tongue.
Tom: We're coming into view of the space station.
Chakotay: What the hell...?
B'Elanna: It looks like a huge circus tent.
Seven: I've never been to the circus.
Chakotay: Really? We'll have to try that.
Tom and B'Elanna exchange looks of confusion.
B'Elanna: I don't get it. Where's the array?
Chakotay: Is this someone's idea of a joke?
Seven: There is an array. It's at the heart of the structure. Its specifications are similar to those of the original array that sent Voyager into the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: Okay, lets proceed with caution. After all, looks can be deceiving.
Tom: Yah...maybe Bozo really is evil.
B'Elanna: There's a docking bay to the right.
Tom: I see it. Hold on.
The Delta Flyer approaches the docking bay and is instructed to cut engines. They are brought
in on a tractor beam of some sort. After landing safely, a welcome committee approaches and
escorts them into the facility where they are brought to meet the head honcho who bears a
striking resemblance to Brannon Braga.
SPACE STATION
Seven: He is most appealing.
Chakotay, Tom and B'Elanna give Seven a strange look.
Chakotay: (worried) We'll discuss this later.
CT2: Welcome to my abode. Can we get you something?
Chakotay: No thank you...we're fine. I'm Commander Chakotay of Voyager. These are my crewmen; Lieutenants Paris and Torres and Seven of Nine.
CT2: (interested) Seven of Nine...have we met?
Chakotay: (jealous) No! You haven't!
CT2: Before I take you on a tour, let my people show you to your quarters so you may freshen up. Ms. Nine, I'll be more than happy to show you yours.
B'Elanna: I bet you would.
Chakotay: (wrapping his arm around Seven) That won't be necessary...we won't be staying long!
CT2: Suit yourself.
Meanwhile, back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Still no word on the warp engines, Janeway is slumped in her seat with her head straight back,
snoring away. Harry, who is at his Ops station, lines up spit wads on his consul and prepares to
aim for the Captain's open mouth. Before his first attempt, Tuvok enters the bridge and glares at
the mischievous ensign. Harry begins to pound his consul in disappointment. Tuvok purposely
raises the volume of his voice to wake the napping captain.
Tuvok: Captain!?
She falls out of her chair.
Janeway: (disoriented) Wha...what? Are we there yet? (clearing her throat) How is he?
Tuvok: Icheb is in sickbay. He's being treated by the Doctor.
Janeway: (yawning) Any problems?
Tuvok: Besides having a third of the crew unconscious, everything is operating normally.
Janeway: (gulping her coffee) One third of the crew?
Tuvok: Yes...unfortunately deck 9 was heavily populated when we released the gas.
Harry: See... I told you we should have evacuated them first.
Janeway: Shut up Harry!
Harry: But Captain...?
Tuvok: Ensign...you are relieved of duty. Go to your room.
Harry lowers his head and dejectedly leaves the bridge.
Janeway: Thank you Mr. Tuvok. Any word on the away team?
Tuvok: They have reached the space station. No other communication has been made.
Janeway: That's odd. Chakotay usually checks in every 5 minutes.
Tuvok: Logic dictates the away team is in trouble since the Commander has not checked in. Our only course of action is to destroy the station.
Janeway: Works for me.
Tuvok: We should load all transphasic torpedoes and tri-cobalt devices.
Janeway: Do it! I'll be in sickbay.
SICKBAY
Icheb is strapped to a diagnostic bed as the Doctor tries to sedate him. Whenever the Doctor gets
close, Icheb spits at him and yells out a profanity. Janeway enters to check on the wild teenage
Brunali male.
Janeway: Doctor, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: You tell me. The Commander gave him coffee.
Janeway: That's it? Coffee did this to him? He looks possessed.
Doctor: Not everybody reacts to caffeine as humans do. It's almost as though he's ingested a hallucinogen.
Just as Janeway is about to respond, Icheb starts to yell out gibberish stuff.
Icheb: Abooga Jugga, boogy toogie, wugga! Abooga Jugga, boogy toogie, wugga!
Janeway: What the hell is he saying?
Doctor: Who knows. He's been babbling this nonsense for the past hour. He's giving me a holographic headache.
Janeway: Well, shut him up!
Doctor: Gladly.
As Janeway distracts the young Brunali, the Doctor climbs on top of Icheb's chest and applies a
hypospray to his neck. Icheb slowly looses consciousness. Both the Captain and the Doctor let
out a huge sigh of relief.
Janeway: Thank you Doctor. Let me know if or when his condition changes.
Doctor: Yes Captain.
Meanwhile, back with the away team...The tour is underway.
SPACE STATION
Tom: It's like a huge holodeck.
CT2: That's correct Lieutenant Paris. Every one of my guests is able to experience their fantasies.
Tom: What kind of fantasies?
CT2: All kinds. There are no limits.
Chakotay: I'm curious, what do you get in return?
CT2: You can't put a price on happiness.
Tom: Oh...I don't know about that...try us.
CT2: It's really not much...you're crew...your ship...the Borg...that's all.
Chakotay takes a swing at CT2 but misses.
Seven: We will not comply!
B'Elanna: I can't believe it, we've actually found an intergalactic pimp.
Chakotay: We're getting out of here, right now!
CT2: (disappointed) Very well. You may leave, but the Borg stays!
B'Elanna: Fine with me...lets go.
Chakotay and Tom shoot B'Elanna a dirty look.
B'Elanna: Just kidding!
Chakotay: We're leaving. All of us!
Just as CT2 orders his men to apprehend the away team, the large tent begins to collapse. To their surprise, Voyager has fired upon the space station.
B'Elanna: What in Kahless's name is that?
Seven: This structure is losing containment, we must leave!
Tom: To the shuttle! Follow me!
Tom is struck by a fallen beam. B'Elanna runs over and throws him over her shoulder.
B'Elanna: Follow me!
Chakotay: Yes Sir!
They arrive at the shuttle. Chakotay takes the helm as B'Elanna cares for an unconscious Tom.
Seven: Perhaps I should take the helm.
Chakotay: Don't you trust my piloting skills?
Seven: No.
Chakotay: Why do you say that? I've been doing this most of my life.
Seven: If memory serves me right, you're responsible for the destruction of 47 shuttles.
Chakotay: Have faith. Like Tom would say, "sit back, relax and enjoy the ride".
Seven tries her best to relax but ends up digging her nails into the consul. The shuttle escapes but not before scraping the side of the shuttle bay door.
Chakotay: Oops.
Seven glares at him.
Back on Voyager...
BRIDGE
Janeway: Again Mr. Tuvok!
Tuvok: Got em! (clears his throat) I mean...direct hit Captain.
As the firing continues, the turbolift door opens and reveals a solemn looking Ensign Kim.
Janeway: What do you want Harry?
Harry: I promise to behave.
Janeway: (rolling her eyes) Fine...take your post.
The eager ensign skips to his station.
Tuvok: Captain...should I fire the rest of our weapons?
Janeway: Do it!
Harry: Umm...Captain? I'm picking up the away team. Tom's been hurt.
Janeway: (concerned) Who's driving?
Harry: Oh no! It can't be! Commander Chakotay's at the helm!
Janeway: (scared) Harry, get a transporter lock on them immediately!
Harry: Yes ma'am.
Tuvok: Captain...it seems the space station is producing some kind of singularity.
Janeway: Yah...so. What about it?
Harry: (yelling) It's pulling us in!!!!
Janeway: Tuvok!
Tuvok whips out his phaser and stuns Harry.
Janeway: Thank you Mr. Tuvok...I don't know why we keep him around.
Tuvok: Captain...may I suggest we transport the away team. The shuttle is on the verge of complete structural failure. They've already lost life support.
Janeway: Do it!
Just as the away team is brought on board, the shuttle explodes.
SICK BAY
Seven: (looking at Chakotay) Make that 48 shuttles.
Chakotay shrugs his shoulders.
Seven: Why is Icheb here?
Doctor: (pointing at Chakotay) Einstein here gave him coffee.
Seven: First you poison my protégé and then you destroy another shuttle. I don't think it'll work between us. We're through.
Chakotay: (worried) Oh come on Seven. I promise to make it up to you.
Seven: How?
Chakotay: (thinking about it) The brig at 0200 hours?
Seven: (raising her eyebrow) Done.
Several hours later, all senior officers are on the bridge.
BRIDGE
Tom: So, what happened to the space station?
Tuvok: (smiling) We blew it up!
Bridge Crew: Huh?
Tuvok: (clearing his throat) I mean...we neutralized it.
Chakotay: But Captain, that array could have gotten us home.
Janeway: Yah...well, we'll find another way. No biggy. It shouldn't take us that much longer. What do you think Seven? What's your estimation?
Seven: If we calculate the amount of times we alter course to explore new worlds and civilizations, various species and their cultures, diverse technologies, astro-phenomena and spatial anomalies...
B'Elanna: (interrupting) Get on with it Seven!
Seven: We should reach the Alpha Quadrant in approximately 147 years.
Janeway: Well then...Tom...set a course...for home.
The End...?