After seven years, we finally made it home. As we arrived, the breaths that were drawn in fell into a silence. We had been working to this goal- but not expecting it to come so quickly.
The crew was both amazed and deeply afraid. Afraid to lose all that we had gained in the past 7 years together. Community, family... A love for each other that most starships will never comprehend. We'd grown up together, in many ways. Faced death and the unknown many times. Fallen in love with one another, lost people we loved. We were a family with a great uncertainty before us. Would be the last moments we were all together?
Chakotay and I locked eyes. This man whom I had grown to call my closest friend- a man who I had commanded with and fought with. The day we were fighting for was here, and suddenly I found myself wondering if I was at all prepared for the price getting home would cost us. Desperation was in his eyes, hope, fear- and something entirely unexpected happened. He reached out quickly for my hand.
"Captain, a moment alone?" He asked. I nodded, and gestured to my ready room.
"You have the bridge, Tuvok." I said. We both knew that our final moments on Voyager were here, that the time for coffee and dinner and conversations was over- these final minutes would be the last intimate conversations we would have until we were all debriefed and reassigned. Reassigned. I gulped.
I stepped into my ready room and Chakotay waited until the door had completely closed.
"Kathryn." He said.
"Oh, Chakotay. We did it." Tears filled my eyes, and I commanded them to withdraw. I would not let my weaknesses show now, not after all we'd been through.
"I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. To lose our home, our family, so quickly." He said.
I drew a breath. "It is hard to imagine we fought so hard together only to be separated in the end, isn't it? But we got these people back to their families. To their spouses, children, parents. I hate to lose them, to say goodbye- but I'd hate even more to keep them away longer."
"I will miss our dinners, though they've become less frequent. I will miss you, Kathryn. I can't imagine not seeing you every day." His voice wavered near the end, and it was apparent at that moment, that though buried deeply.. Our feelings from all those years ago were not gone.
"A part of me wishes, at times... That somewhere in another reality, you and I are still on New Earth. Going on adventures together in our boat, camping, learning about each other. This voyage has been many things to me- this family has been such a blessing.. but we also had to give up so much for this."
"I care for you. Deeply, Kathryn. There were definitely moments where it crossed my mind- what might have been had we stayed there. But we had to bury those memories-"
"And we had to move on." I stopped him. "Don't feel badly, Chakotay. It was seven years. You and I both knew that it was better for us to bury those moments on New Earth in our memories and move forward. I am not at all upset with you. I am happy for you, and for Seven. I will be lost without you as my closest friend, but I am so thankful that we have been... so close."
"I can't say goodbye to you." Chakotay said, a brokenness in his voice that stopped my heart for a moment.
I regained my composure, remembered Seven- and stood up tall... as I tried convincingly to say, "When the time comes, I will be ready."
Chakotay's face froze in a mixture of pain and relief. There was no doubt that his feelings for Seven were new, but oddly incomparable to the bond that they had formed together before this had all begun.
"I don't believe that." He said- seeing straight into my lie.
"You have been more than a friend, Chakotay. You have been my confidante, my closest friend- and more. You have been more than my closest friend." I choke my words out as carefully as possible. "There are times I'm afraid you know me better than I know myself. Losing that, losing the person who knows you better than you know yourself- it's impossible to describe the pain that comes along with that. But I lost you after New Earth ended- and I turned away. We lost each other after I drew the lines that we both agreed upon. Maybe it was the worst mistake we could have made- but to turn back now... It wouldn't be just turning back. It would be destroying one relationship to find another. The relationship between you and someone else I care deeply for. I could never... I could never ask that of you, and I could never betray Seven in such a personal way."
"You never think of yourself, Kathryn. You think of others, the past 7 years has been you thinking of others- all your choices... None of them were for your benefit. I've never seen you laugh or smile the way you laughed on New Earth. I would lay down my entire existence to see your face light up like it did then. You finally thought of yourself- of what you might want. It's what I respect most about you, Kathryn, but it's your greatest flaw."
I looked out the window into the star swept sky around us, and in the short distance I saw Earth. I saw Chakotay slipping away, and I knew in that moment that the choice had already been made.
"Chakotay. I will always care for you- deeply. More than I am willing to admit. But I will always be the same woman who would drive into a borg cube to save your life- to save Seven's life- to save this entire ship's life. I knew that saving Seven would mean losing you, but I- my future self chose to do that then, and I have to believe it's for a purpose."
I stood before him, the man I loved. Picking up my hands and holding his face in them I breathed deeply and painfully as I wrapped my arms around his neck for the last time.
"Say it, then. I have to hear you say the truth, once. Just once." Chakotay said.
"Paris to Captain Janeway." My badge went off.
"Go ahead." I managed, slightly with composure.
"We are ready to dock." Paris answered.
"I will be right there. Janeway out."
Chakotay turned and headed for the door.
"I love you." I whispered.
He stopped. And then, as if it were a dream, continued through the door.