Space. The space in the bed between me and Nick felt like miles. When we first got together, our hands couldn't leave one another's bodies, we'd sleep close together at night. Nick would hold me tightly, I'd feel secure in his arms, our legs would entwine and we slept. We slept in an embrace, an embrace that meant everything.
But now, since we'd drifted, no since I'd drifted, the space in the bed had begun to get increasingly bigger. On New Year's Day I couldn't face Nick I turned my body away but he still held me despite my efforts to distance our bodies. He still held me and made me feel safe and wanted. Two things I didn't deserve to feel.
And that morning was no difference, I awoke to Nick gently running his hand through my hair and his body was close to mine. Closer to mine than it was when I'd be lying awake unable to sleep, unable to sleep because of my guilt. As I began to stir his arm wrapped around my waist bringing our bodies together, I felt his warmth radiate through my coldness as his arm held me closely.
"Happy birthday," Nick whispered, his voice was quiet as his lips connected with the side of my head.
I couldn't reply, the tiredness I felt washed over me and without thinking I turned my body so we were facing each other and I allowed Nick to hold me. I allowed him to hold me tightly despite the fact I knew I'd been disloyal, I let him hold me despite the fact I'd betrayed every ounce of trust he'd injected into our relationship.
He held me and I rested my head on his chest without even thinking about it because Nick was my comfort and no matter how much I pushed him away I couldn't be without him.
"Do you want any breakfast?" Nick asked me, his care, his kindness was making me feel uneasy. I felt uneasy because I didn't deserve for someone to treat me so well.
I shook my head in answer to his question because I wasn't hungry but he insisted. He told me he'd got me my favourite. His gentle movements as he got up made me feel worse, the way Nick gently guided me off his chest so I didn't get uncomfortable caused me to feel a wave of guilt. I felt a wave of guilt because he treated me so gently, so carefully then I'd been dishonest, I'd betrayed him.
"Stay there and I'll bring it through," He told me with a smile before leaving the bedroom. The door didn't shut properly behind him and the crack of light peered into the bedroom. I could see Nick with a smile on his face as he fiddled with the coffee machine he'd learnt to use, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't cope with how naïve he was, I couldn't cope with the fact he thought our relationship was nothing but happiness.
"I told you I'd bring it through," Nick moaned like a child as he felt my presence behind him. I couldn't help but smile at the blueberry muffin with a single candle sticking out the top. Nick sighed then turned to face me fully, "Make a wish then," He told me and I did.
As I blew out the candle with my eyes shut tight I wished that everything would go back to the way it was. I wished that I could go back in time and not make the same mistakes. I wished I could go back in time and treat Nick how he deserved to be treated. I wished that none of this had ever happened, I wished that everything had stayed the same. I made wishes I knew wouldn't come true.
"I got you something," Nick said a smile on his face. I let out a sigh because he was being so nice, so thoughtful when I'd forgotten his birthday just days previous.
"You really didn't have to," I told him as I took a seat on the sofa. But as he came out the bedroom with a neatly wrapped box I couldn't help but feel warm, I couldn't help but love every single thing about Nick. It wasn't that he'd bought me something, it was that he was so happy, so excited to give it to me. He was so excited to make me smile and that was ironic. It was ironic how if he knew what I'd done none of this would be happening.
I accepted the box wrapped in silver with a red bow and unwrapped it to find the Michael Kors watch I'd been looking at the other week. I looked at it in the box and was warmed to know he'd been listening when we saw it in the shop and I'd commented on how much I liked it.
"Thank you," I said as I stood from the sofa to kiss Nick gently, his arms immediately went around my waist as he held me.
"Was it the right one?" Nick asked as he rocked me gently. I nodded and kissed him gently again.
"I booked us a table at a restaurant in town for tonight," He told me, each time he did something extra the guilt began to build. My chest felt tight as I continued to pretend everything was okay. Despite the fact I deserved nothing, I had to smile.
"Which one?" I asked, a smile plastered on my face, a smile that I'm surprised Nick didn't notice was fake.
"That would be telling, you like it though. I only booked it for us two because well, I don't want the stress of my family and I don't want you worrying about yours," Nick told me and that was it. That was the moment I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn't lie anymore because everything he'd done was out of love and kindness and I didn't deserve any of it. I couldn't continue living a lie, I couldn't continue lying to the man who meant the most to me.
"Nick I slept with Robert," I blurted out, and that was it Nick knew but he didn't react. We remained in the same position, his arms around my waist, the tips of our toes touching.
"What?" He asked quietly.
"I had sex with Robert," I said more bluntly, his hands came from around my waist and his head went into them. Nick began pacing around in a small space as if my words were playing over and over in his head.
"When?" He asked me, his voice was quiet, he sounded confused, broken, angry.
"New Year's Day," I told him truthfully my eyes fixed to the ground. Nick looked at me, I could feel his gaze upon me as he sat on the sofa and let out a sigh.
"I was worried all day and you were with him the whole time?" Nick asked, the anger was evident in his voice.
"I was at the casino and then he turned up, he won a small fortune, we got drunk. He asked me if I wanted to take it upstairs and well the rest just happened," I explained sitting next to Nick but leaving a distance between us. A distance that represented so much.
"Did you want to take it upstairs?"
"No," I said bluntly, "No I didn't but I was drunk and I was angry and confused and I don't know why I did it," I admitted, the tears were building in my eyes as they were in Nick's.
"So you had sex with my chef because you could, because you got a bit drunk?"
"I was a mess, I am a mess," My head went into my hands as I began to tell Nick more about what had happened. I told him everything. I told him why, I told him why I did it, why I was at the casino. He'd asked me how I felt afterwards and I told him how I'd ran from the hotel, I told him about the couple in the lift, I told him that Michelle knew.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" Nick asked with a sigh.
"What just walk in like 'Hi darling how was your day? I slept with your chef this afternoon,' Is that what you wanted me to do?" I snapped, my voice was full of emotion, the tears were struggling not to escape.
"Yes," Nick told me before standing up, "I want you to be honest with me Carla. Maybe if you were honest we'd have found a way to work through it."
"We still could," I said walking to the door, I was determined not to let Nick leave, I was determined not to lose him.
"Carla you lied, we've been carrying on when you knew our relationship was dishonest," Nick said, his hand was on the door hand, he was pushing it down, he was ready to leave.
"Nick it was a stupid mistake, it meant nothing. We can still make this work," I had stopped trying to prevent the tears from falling, they flew down my cheeks as I struggled to stand properly. The sight of seeing Nick leave, the sight of Nick leaving me broke me.
"Happy Birthday," He muttered and then he left, he shut the door behind him and he left.