Tears.
Leia buries her face in her hands. It's been a very long day and she can't pretend that what had happened was nothing. Not anymore.
She misses him, every inch of him and she wishes her mind would stop making him appear in front of her. It doesn't help and it actually only makes it worse.
Seeing him there, standing and smirking his usual smirk makes her want to cry. Funny thing is, she can't cry. Tears just won't come down. She's just kneeling there: face in her hands, her whole body shaking, her breath hard and her heart broken, but tears seem to have dried out. Strange as it is, she hasn't cried in a long while, thus there shouldn't be a lack of tears at all.
Worst part is, he deserves tears. Her scruffy-looking scoundrel deserves tears from her and she's not able to let them down.
She just wants him to comfort her and tell her it was a joke. Because it has to be a joke. Her nerf-herder cannot possibly be gone.
She has watched him go away to many missions and she has always hated seeing him leave. This time has been no different – except, this time, he didn't come back.
She's trying to reason it, she's trying to convince herself that it isn't as bad as it seems – she wasn't seeing him often anyway – but it only seems to crush her more.
The only thing she wants to do is cry.
Since the moment she's felt the strong disturbance in the Force she's wanted nothing more but cry.
And as her eyes start to gleam, she remembers the first time they met.
They were young, innocent and so not interested in each other. She actually had a small crush on her brother and he pretended not to care, as usual.
Slowly, though, they fell in love and when she finally admitted her love to him, his 'I know', wasn't a sign of narcissism. He knew and he told her that so she wouldn't worry. He told her he knew, because he didn't want to leave that place, afraid that he might never know her feelings for him. And he had been trying to get her to tell him that and his 'I know', had been a way to reassure her and a way to reassure him too.
She remembers the moment she saved him and she starts to tremble. All he had needed to recognize her was 'Someone who loves you'. Boy, does she miss those days... She had missed him, but he had come back.
Now, he hasn't.
She's checked. She went to wait for him, before, but he never came out of the ship and she knew it was over.
And now she's here, her eyes burning, ready to cry and yet tears won't come out just yet.
She needs to breath another time, but she doesn't want to. Oh, she can, it's not like that. She's just so tired, so sad, so heart-broken and she doesn't want to breath. Maybe, if she'll stop breathing, she'll get to see him again.
But as soon as her lungs start to pull, she breathes again and curses at her own weakness. It doesn't feel like breathing anyway, but it keeps her alive. If a walking heartless person can be called alive.
That's how she feels. Without a heart. He and her son were her heart and now both were gone.
She knows, she feels it was him. Her Ben - no, Kylo Ren - had killed Han and that's the final pull her body needed.
A lone tear streams down her face and it feels like choking, because she can't accept it.
That sentence just doesn't feel right.
It's not just the loss of her husband herself. It's the realization that she's lost her son forever as well.
Bring him back, she had said but now there was no one to bring home.
She sobs and more tears cover her face, leaving her all wet as it hits her.
Kylo Ren killed her husband and her son, all in one day.
She tries to clean her face, but more tears fall and suddenly she regrets her wanton to cry.
Han and Ben Solo are dead.
Tears won't leave her alone now.
She goes to her bedroom and for the first time in forever, she sleeps on Han's side, hoping it will make her feel less alone.
And wetting her cushions, she drifts off.
Because one you start to cry, it's all messy and it leaves you sick and nauseous.
Crying makes you accept the loss and you're never ready for that.
She knows she's not ready.
I love you.
I know.
I literally have no idea what this is.
I have no idea.
I just know I'm right in the Han/Leia feels and I had to write it.
So here it is.
It sucks and repeats words all over again, but still.
I hope you will appreciate the attempt.
Although, as Yoda says: Do or don't, there's no try.
Thus, I can't say I tried. I just did and what came out of it, is here...
Agni.