Phone a Friend
Title: Phone a Friend
Author: Pacacapa
Rating: K
Genre: Humor, family
Length: ~3,800 words
Summary: Parker has a dilemma: her favorite snack is only sold at the bar down the street, and she wants to eat it with her team at McRory's. She hatches a plan to steal the recipe, but ends up having to call her teammates for their expertise, all while keeping the whole operation a secret from them. Season 4. No spoilers. Oneshot.
-o-O-o-
Parker watched Cora approach, smiling at the team gathered in the booth in the corner of McRory's. After an easy con that went off without a hitch, they had all gathered here to celebrate as usual. Cora always liked to wait on them personally on these nights. "What can I get you tonight? The usual?"
Nate glanced up at his surrogate niece and smiled at her with a nod. "Yeah, thanks."
Parker reached out and caught Cora before she could walk away. "And I want quatros quesos dos fritos. Can I get some of those?"
Across from her, Eliot pinched the bridge of his nose and growled in frustration, "Parker, we've told you again and again. McRory's doesn't serve those."
"Babe, if you want them so bad, all you gotta do is head down the street to Chileo's Bar." Hardison was trying to help, she knew that, but she didn't want to be pacified.
Parker pouted. "But I don't want to go way down there, I want to eat them here with you guys."
Her frustrated glare landed on Hardison and Eliot in turn before reaching Nate, who gave her one of his mastermind half-smiles, the ones that said he knew the answer to a puzzle and wanted her to figure it out. Or maybe it meant he was tired of her trying to reconcile two impossible things and wanted her to stop… she could never tell. His words didn't help clarify. "That's quite a dilemma."
Cora brought their usual order a few minutes later, but Parker couldn't get those quatros quesos dos fritos out of her mind. Even as the team began to filter out long after the bar had closed, Parker mulled over her problem. There shouldn't have to be a decision between tasty goodness and her team-turned-family. Besides, she was the greatest thief in the world! Why couldn't she just steal the snacks she wanted?
…Wait, why couldn't she? It would be obnoxious to have to snatch them every night, but it was worth it, right? Maybe once he tasted them, Eliot could figure out how to make them for her and then she wouldn't have to steal them.
Parker gasped. That was it! She didn't have to steal the quatros quesos dos fritos themselves, all she had to do was steal the recipe, and then Cora and Eliot could make them for her!
Now all she needed was a plan…
-o-O-o-
Parker had made up her mind - she was going to put her well-honed talents to good use and steal herself a recipe. She couldn't work Hardison's fancy tv screens to plot out her plan, but as she lurked around Nate's dark apartment, she ran over the steps in her mind.
The first problem would be how to get inside Chileo's Bar without drawing attention. A small establishment didn't have high tech security and air vents, and rappelling wasn't going to help her any. She needed to grift her way in. How would Sophie do this?
Sophie would probably get all pretty, dressed up and girly. She'd flounce in and flirt with all the guys, and get them to just open the door for her. Easy as taking diamonds from the French National Bank.
Except, Parker had never been able to do that as well as Sophie. In fact, she didn't even know what to wear. But, maybe if she could get Sophie's advice…
No.
Sophie couldn't know what she was really doing, because Nate had banned personal jobs and Sophie would probably tell Nate on her. No, Parker was going to have to figure out how to ask Sophie for advice and not let Sophie know about her plans.
If only she could ask Sophie how to get a mark to tell her what she wanted without letting the mark know what she wanted…
Taking a deep breath, Parker pulled out her phone and dialed Sophie's number before she could talk herself out of it.
-o-O-o-
Sophie let her laugh fade as she felt her phone vibrating in her purse. It was nearly 2:00 in the morning, for goodness sake. Who would be calling at this late hour and interrupting one of her few nights out with Tara?
Still, unable to ignore the buzzing, she smiled apologetically at her friend and held the phone to her ear. "Hello?"
She was half surprised and half not surprised at all to hear Parker's voice on the other end. "Sophie. I need your advice."
Stifling a sigh for her younger team member's sake, Sophie answered graciously. "What is it you need?"
"I'm going to a bar and I need a dress. I don't know what dress to wear to a bar and I don't have any. You have dresses and you go to bars, so you can tell me what to wear."
Suddenly, Sophie wasn't quite so irritated. In fact, you might even say she was intrigued. "You, Parker, are going to a bar? Why?"
"Why would I be going?" The answer was quick and defensive. Aww, poor thing, she was nervous.
"Is Hardison going with you?"
"No, just me. Just me by my lonesome. No Hardison at all, nope. Why would Hardison want to come?"
"You're not seeing someone else, are you Parker?"
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I can't see anyone else right now, no. I'm all by myself, and I'm definitely not in Nate's apartment. Where I know you keep dresses. What dress in Nate's apartment should I wear?"
Sophie couldn't help but laugh at the obviously guilty thief. "There's a lovely little black dress in the far right of Nate's closet and a pair of boots to match underneath. I'm sure they would fit you - feel free to take them. And makeup and jewelry are in the bathroom. You sure you don't need any help, Parker?"
"No! No, I'm fine. Toooooootally fine. There's no need for you to come here, now, because I can handle it just fine. Thanks!" The click let Sophie know the odd conversation was over.
If she didn't know any better, she would say Parker was actually looking forward to this outing. And now, so was Sophie. It was good for the girl to get out and have some fun for herself once in a while, and that dress should certainly help.
"So, Tara, as you were saying…"
-o-O-o-
Grateful for the boots Sophie offered her instead of heels, Parker silently pulled the gifts out of Nate's closet. Once she was all dressed, she studied her look carefully. The neckline plunged way deeper than any other clothes she had, and the skirt was so short that she could barely move. It was uncomfortable, but if Sophie said to wear it, that was what she was going to do. She left her hair down so it flowed over her shoulders, and pulled a huge, lovely diamond out of Sophie's jewelry box to wear around her neck. After all, she did have a weakness for diamonds.
Once she was all set, Parker made her way silently out of the apartment, down the back exit to the street, and toward the still-open bar that was her target. Soft Spanish music rolled down the street, inviting in the passers-by. Parker answered the call, and, standing just inside the door, surveyed her target.
There were many tables scattered around, not too different from McRory's, and the bar itself was near the back. Behind the bar was the door to the back area, which was probably where she would find the recipe. That just meant she would have to get past the bartender. The low lighting and intimate atmosphere in the bar would help keep too many eyes off of her, and in fact, the bartender was probably the only person between her and the back of the establishment.
She could just wait until he was called away and slip through, but she wanted extra insurance tonight. It would be better if he were not thinking clearly, because that would help keep him from noticing a thief slipping by.
On her way toward the bar, Parker lifted a menu off of a table. After glancing it over, she paused in dismay. She didn't actually know what to order to get someone drunk.
After all, it wasn't like she drank alcohol all that much anyway. She hadn't ever understood the point of drinking it. The taste ranged from mildly palatable to downright nasty. Sophie said it wasn't about the drink itself but what the drink made you feel. All Parker knew was that something was wrong with her, because she didn't feel grumpy like Eliot, flirty like Sophie, or reckless like Nate. She just felt a bit sick to her stomach and very thirsty.
Funny, huh? A drink making her thirsty?
But that didn't fix her problem. She needed to know the fastest way to get someone drunk, and for that, she was going to have to call a professional for advice.
-o-O-o-
A sound right out of a nightmare jolted Nate awake. Bleary-eyed and only half conscious, he let his hand flop around on the table next to him until it finally landed on the source of his misery. When he realized who was calling, he half considered just dropping it on the floor and going back to sleep. But he couldn't ignore his team.
"Yeah, Parker? There better be a very good reason for this."
"Hi Nate, I'm at a bar, and I want to get drunk really fast. What should I order?"
Nate groaned. He couldn't believe this was happening right now. That was all she needed? The girl was crazy. And he was bone tired. Though, he wasn't really surprised she was looking for a way to burn off energy because she was usually pretty high on adrenaline after a job done well.
"Ask for a Long Island Iced Tea. That should knock you flat nice and quick. Now can I please get back to sleep?"
"Thanks, Nate!" Those words were conclusion enough for him. He let the phone fall to the nightstand and rolled over, letting his sleepiness pull him back into unconsciousness.
-o-O-o-
Now armed with her knowledge, Parker walked purposefully up to the bar. "I need two Long Island Iced Teas."
The bartender stared at her wide-eyed, but moved to get the drink started. "That's quite and order, miss. Surely it's not for you?"
Hearing Sophie's voice in her head, Parker slapped a smile on her face. Smiles made people comfortable, right? And the bigger the better, right? "It's for you." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "And me."
He smiled a little bit at her and shook his head. "I'm not supposed to drink on the job."
As soon as the first drink was made, Parker grabbed it and took a huge gulp. Her taste buds revolted, and she nearly spat it right back out. Thankfully she stopped herself. Still - that stuff was disgusting. Clearing her throat, she tried Eliot's trick and opened her throat completely to let the drink pour down without triggering her gag reflex.
It didn't take long before the whole thing was gone, and the bartender simply stared at her with his mouth slightly open. She shrugged. "I don't want any more but I bought two so you should drink it."
He continued to look at her strangely for a few seconds, before grinning and shaking his head. "I'm impressed, miss." He lifted the glass in a toast to her. "Thank you."
Parker waited until he had consumed all of his drink, and then settled in to take advantage of any moment when he was called away. She didn't have to wait long.
Once the way was clear, she slipped behind the counter and into the back of the establishment. There were people back here, but not nearly so many. Besides, she was the world's greatest thief. She could handle it just fine.
After passing the kitchen, Parker found the one office in the building. 10 seconds to pick the lock and she was in. Her goal was just ahead: a desktop computer sitting on a professional looking desk. Smiling triumphantly, Parker moved into the desk chair and plugged her brand new USB into the tower. Hardison had taught her how to use these, and she had paid really good attention last time he explained how to transfer a file. Now all she needed to do was find the file.
As the screen hummed and whirred and finally turned on, Parker's face fell. That wasn't supposed to happen.
There was a solid blue screen with a single white bar across the middle, with "password" written in grey letters. She had seen one of those before, on Hardison's computers, but never on a mark's. Hardison's programs usually dealt with them for her. What was she supposed to do now?
Since she had already called Sophie and Nate, she might as well just call Hardison and ask him. If only she had a good excuse…
-o-O-o-
Hardison hissed as his mech took a lot of damage from a shower of long range missiles. The other team was good, and up two players right now, and he had to be really careful because if he got caught—
Ring!
—His team would lose and then—
Ring!
—He wouldn't hear the end of it from—
Ring!
AAAAHHHH! That noise had to stop!
Hardison snatched his phone off the couch beside him, flipped it open, and jammed it between his shoulder and his ear. There was no way he was going to give up a hand to hold it, not when things were critical like this.
"What?" It came out more irritated than he intended, but, well, he felt irritated right now. And with good reason if you asked him.
"Hey, uh, my computer won't take my password and I'm locked out and I'm wondering if you know how I can get back in."
It took Hardison a moment to register Parker's voice, but it made him feel guilty for snapping at her. "Sorry, Parker. Uh, do you really need it now? Can I help you with it in the morning?"
"Nope, has to be right now."
"Okay… well, it's easier if I just show you. Bring it over and I'll help you with it."
"No! …Um, no, it's your night with your fairy and goblin friends, I don't want to bother you. Just tell me what to do and I'm sure I'll be fine."
Hardison shook his head at the fairy and goblin comment - they were elves and orcs, thank you very much - and World of Warcraft night was last night. Tonight was Mech Warrior night. Still, her concern was sweet, so he couldn't really deny her.
"Okay. What you're gonna need to do is boot it in safe mode…"
-o-O-o-
It took Parker longer than she expected to get the computer open, but Hardison was good at what he did and soon enough she was in. After that, it was easy enough to find the file. Click, drag, drop, and boom - there it was on her thumb drive. Exactly where it should be.
Leaping up from her chair, Parker tapped the button on the screen to shut it off and slipped out of the office. Her escape route was out the back into the alley, and it was just a few steps away.
What she hadn't been expecting was the man standing there.
He wasn't moving, just staring at his phone, which meant Parker wasn't going to get by him any time soon. She considered going back out through the front of the bar, but that would look highly suspicious. Nope, she was just going to have to neutralize this threat. And she knew exactly who to call.
-o-O-o-
Eliot leaned on the edge of the boxing ring at the gym, watching his old friend Jordan spar with Tim. "Stay light on your feet, Jordan. Don't let him get ya turned around and trippin' over yourself."
With his attention firmly glued to the event in front of him, it took Eliot a long time to realize his phone was buzzing in his pocket. He flipped it open and set it to his ear without even checking the caller id. "What do you want?"
"Hey, Eliot!"
Eliot groaned at the too-perky voice on the other end. "I'm in the middle of something, Parker. Someone better be tryin' to kill you or something, because I'm not in the mood for talkin' right now — Jordan! Keep your hands up in front of your face - don't let him get free hits where it hurts the most!"
"I'm just calling to ask…"
"Keep your eyes on him, and watch for what he's telegraphing. If his weight shifts, if his hands move, go for the weak point. Hit hard and fast and get back out before you get hit back." Eliot watched his friend circling his opponent, almost cringing when Jordan took a series of painful punches to his stomach.
Pounding his fist on the edge of the ring, Eliot shouted, "Get him on the ground and go for a lock!"
"Got it…"
He ignored the whisper in his ear in favor of the fight. A few seconds later, Jordan landed a heavy punch to Tim's head and flipped him to the ground. He threw a few punches at Tim while he was down but Eliot could see it wasn't going to work fast enough.
"Once he's on the ground, choke him out before he can recover. That's it - nice triangle choke. Just hold it there… he should tap out soon… alright, you got 'im. Great job, Jordan."
Eliot suddenly remembered the phone at his ear. "Uh, hey Parker, what was it you were calling about?"
The perky voice was back. "Nothing. Thanks!"
Eliot rolled his eyes and didn't even think to wonder why Parker had made such a strange phone call. It was Parker, after all.
-o-O-o-
Parker dragged the now-unconscious man back into the office she had come out of. Eliot's advice had been exactly what she needed, and she didn't even have to come up with an excuse. That would have been pretty hard anyway, so it was good he just told her.
Now free to make her escape, Parker practically skipped her way out of Chileo's Bar and ran down the street toward McRory's. There was just one last thing she needed to do, and she could have her precious quatros quesos dos fritos at McRory's whenever she wanted, dilemma solved.
She plugged the USB into one of Hardison's laptops, pulled up the recipe, wrote it down on a piece of paper, and removed the evidence from the computer. The paper was carefully placed where she knew Cora would find it. Proud of her accomplishment, Parker let Sophie's dress and jewelry upstairs, not even caring that she was leaving such a beautiful diamond behind. Now she needed some sleep, and tomorrow she would have her reward.
Wouldn't the team be surprised!
-o-O-o-
The next night, Parker could barely contain her excitement as she slipped into the corner booth beside Hardison. When Cora came around to take their order, she asked for her quatros quesos dos fritos.
Eliot merely glared across the table. Hardison let his hand drop into his hand. "We explained this last night. You can't get those here…"
At the same time, Sophie sighed in exasperation. "Parker, are we really going to do this again?"
She just smiled. They didn't understand, and that was fine - how were they supposed to know what she had pulled off? She was the world's greatest thief.
But fifteen minutes later, Cora set down a steaming platter of quatros quesos dos fritos. Triumphant, Parker stuffed one in her mouth and took in the surprise all around the table. Hardison's mouth dropped open, Sophie's hand flew to her mouth, Eliot close his eyes and shook his head in that "something's wrong with you" way of his, and Nate just rolled his eyes and shrugged. He had learned by now not to be surprised by anything from her anymore.
Finally, Hardison recovered from his shock. "How?" Was all he could squeeze out.
Parker let her grin spread even farther. "I stole the recipe from Chileo's Bar last night."
"Was that what that weird phone call was about?" His eyes grew wide. "You weren't breaking into your own computer, were you?"
A treat stuffed in her mouth was her only answer.
"Parker!" Sophie's horror finally found a voice. "You led me to believe you were going out for a night on the town and instead you were trying to steal these greasy, awful things?" She gasped. "You didn't mess up the dress, did you?"
Parker didn't bother to finish chewing before answering. "No, I didn't steal any quatros quesos dos fritos, just the recipe for them. So Cora and Eliot can make me some!"
Eliot shook his head. "What'd you call me for?"
"There was a guy in my way and I needed to take him out."
"I didn't…" His voice trailed off and recognition dawned on his face. "You were listening to me talking to Jordan, weren't you?"
"Yep."
Unlike the others at the table, Eliot didn't seem upset. "So did you get him?"
Parker let her devilish smile creep across her face. "Oh yes I did."
"That's my girl!" He said, now smiling proudly. "What choke did you use on him? Same triangle I taught you, or did you go for the armbar?"
Nate cleared his throat, interrupting the conversation that would soon take a turn into territory he wasn't interested in hearing. Eliot was good at his job, but Nate didn't want to hear about it at the dinner table. "So Parker, let me get this straight. You called all of us looking for help with something we were good at, and used that knowledge to steal this recipe."
She just nodded, too busy filling her mouth with her loot. Eliot was also gingerly tasting one, and Hardison had a modest pile on his plate. Sophie avoided them like the plague.
"And, uh, you called Sophie for her fashion sense, Hardison for his computer skills, Eliot for his fighting knowledge…"
"Uh-huh."
"…And you called me to ask how to get drunk."
The whole table went silent and Parker froze mid-chew. A little sheepishly this time, she nodded, swallowing as she did. "Well, I didn't know anybody else who was as experienced as you."
Everyone at the table erupted into laughter. Nate just shook his head.
-o-O-o-
Author's Note: Bonus points for anyone who knew the origin of the "quatros quesos dos fritos" (I hope I spelled that right). In S3E14 of Psych, "Truer Lies," Shawn is very excited about these particular fries.
A/N #2: According to John Rogers' official blog, Parker doesn't get drunk. Thus needing help getting the bartender drunk.
Thanks for reading!