Rating: R
Disclaimer: Lemme see...no, the X-men doesn't belong to me. Neither do the title since that one is stolen from Nine Inch Nails.
Archive: Ask first and I'll say yes.
Feedback: For this?
Author's notes: Right....another Nine Inch Nails inspired fic...okay, so I'm a tad obsessed with that lately...so sue me. Anyway, the last one turned out okay enough to get out of that dreaded writers block so I'm not complaining.
Warning: A tad dark...
I screwed up. Simple as that. There's no other words that even come close to describing it.
I simply cannot believe how stupid I've been. All of us can be indescribably stupid at times but this is just beyond all belief.
If being stupid, ignorant, clueless and whatever would be a crime I would be on deathrow by now.
In fact, I think I am. Not literally but that doesn't matter. I'm dead already. In all the ways that matter. My heart is dead. It would be grey if I still had a heart. I had it all and threw it all away.
Everything hurts. It's all my fault but that doesn't make it hurts any less. It hurts all the more because of it. I still recall the taste of your tears when you spotted me, doing what I did. Cheating on you. I really have no explanation of why I did that, except that I wasn't thinking. It's no excuse, I know that very well. And I am not trying to make one either or expecting you to ever forgive me.
I did what I did and I have to face the proverbial music.
It wasn't the first time either. What can I say except that I am a weak, weak man? Nothing that will keep the hurt away. Not mine and not yours.
I don't know why you forgave me the times before, when you made my hurt and my guilt to go away. You made it all go away. All I know is that you did. This time you won't.
I just know that. It hit too close to home this time. I wasn't fucking some anonymous woman this time. No, it was one of your friends.
I pray and pray, to Gods I have never believed in, that you will at least forgive Kitty given enough time. I know you will never forgive me again and I don't deserve it either.
That doesn't stop me from wishing though. My favourite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore.
I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself. The one thing I'm down to is self-loathing. A very severe form of self-loathing that make me wonder if I'm still cut out for this. To be a part of the X-men.
What I mean by that is that without you in my life I'm literally nothing. I'm scared of living. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of you hating me. I'm scared of you still loving me.
I'm just scared, period.
What will I do when facing the Brotherhood the next time?
Will I be longing for death so long I don't take care enough and not
only me will be hurt or killed? Will I be too much of an animal?
I honestly do not know. And that scares me too.
The only thing I do know is that I want something I can never have. Your forgiveness, love and trust once again.
Which is so ironic. Before I met you I never cared much about that. I lived my life day by day and if you had never snucked into my trailer I would probably still be.
You changed my life in so many ways. All of them good, pure and precious. And what do I do? Cheat on you.
I'm just a creep. Scooter was right to not never completely trust me. I can't blame him, because I never did myself. You did though. And I returned that trust good didn't I? Not in a million years.
I just don't get it. I had always thought of myself as a man of honour. That once I gave my word and my trust I would cherish it to the end of my days. I was wrong. So very wrong.
Back when we were still a couple, you were always the one to show me how. How to do things I didn't know how to. How to trust. How to love. How to care. How to cherish. I can do that now, to an extent.
But not enough. Never enough. Because I do love you. I do care about you. I will cherish you until the day I die.
But I don't seem to be able to show you that. Not in the ways that matters. By staying faithful. By showing you how much I do love and cherish everything about you. By any standard whatsoever.
This thing I've done to you is slowly taking me apart. No, not slowly. Rather quickly. My body may heal fast thanks to my mutation. But my heart doesn't. And it's the same for you. I see, smell and sense it on you. That this was the straw that broke the back of the proverbial camel.
It seems like such a shame. We both had what we wanted and I just had to rip out your heart, throw it onto the ground and do the Mexican hatdance on it. Just because out of lust I stepped on everything precious we had built up.
Everything looks a bit different now, to everyone. That's not true is it? Everything is still the same, but still different. We both still feel that the other one could have been "the one". If it hadn't been for the phrase "if things had been different".
Wrong phrase if you ask me. If I had been different.
But I'm not, much to my own regret.
Everywhere I look, you're all I see. Or memories of you, which is the same thing as far as I'm concerned. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be, when you still were mine.
When there was still a future for you and me.