Rated M for suicidal thoughts and attempts at suicide. Castle may be OOC.
Implied Javikett.
I must admit it is a bit cathartic due to the fact my entire life is again a mess.
Please, do not let people that go through shit like this be gone. Talk to them, let them know they have support, let them know that help can be reached. And don't...don't ever break people's hearts. Fight for those people in your life that matter, regardless of the hurdles that you might face in your relationships. Don't lose them over stupid reasons, regardless if those reasons seem enough for you.
He never thought he would become like this. Not like this. It wasn't in his character, this wasn't his normal thinking, he couldn't have fallen this far, could he?
Yet, there were a dozen racing thoughts, one after the other, and every other thought was multiplying tenfold. He unbuttoned his collar, and felt a searing heat coursing through his body, while his hands were shaking frantically. Looking out the window, life seemed to move at a rapid pace, as people were crossing streets, coming from every direction, cars were tooting their horns in the distance, and nature was trying its hardest to make herself present in this whole cesspool of frantic movement - he could hear faint chirping coming from the nearby trees - but nothing seemed to move Castle anymore.
He kept remembering the last time they talked. Or rather, they argued.
Words were flying in the air, cutting through the feelings they were going through, leaving behind just sorrow and emptiness. However, Kate revealed that she lied to him. And she was clear on saying she needed some space. Or more than just some space.
He told her that he wasn't in this relationship to be just friends. He wanted more. He wanted her.
But she said it won't work, because the distance between them was just growing and growing, and she couldn't bear staying in this relationship.
And ever since that day, Castle never felt so worthless.
His mother was worried, trying to cheer him up by involving him in her plays, and Alexis tried to reach her father on more than one occasion, hoping he would open up at least to her - but none of their actions, packets, gifts they bought him moved the "writer dilletante cop", as Gates sarcastically said the day he got kicked out from the Precinct.
The Precinct.
How could he tell what happened to Esposito and Ryan?
Or, knowing them, they would be worried and still sarcastic, trying to figure out what got to him.
And Lanie.
He sighed. He couldn't deal with this anymore, this loneliness, this emptiness. He poured another glass of whiskey, and took a deep breath, noticing that neither his mother or Alexis returned home. And his racing thoughts returned, the voice in his head growing louder and louder as the loneliness was pounding on his heart. "Everyone would feel better if you'd just be gone. Why don't you give it a shot? Why don't you pick up that gun in your desk drawer?" He looked at the drawer, his heart gnawing at the anticipation, at the loneliness, at the emptiness, and opened it. "No. I want something else. I want to pick the razor. Where is it?"
Castle went to the bathroom, and looked at himself in the mirror. Eyes had bags under them, and he had a scruffy beard growing, his hair seemed greyer, and his breathing was hitching. He looked at the razor glinting in the bathroom's light and undid it from the shaving apparatus, feeling odd and excited at the thought. He started drawing lines...
Red. Redder.
Until he heard his mother's voice calling out to him, desperately.
A week later...
Rick was fully bandaged around his wrists, and was prescribed antidepressants. His therapist came daily, to make sure that he was slowly recovering from his attempt, talking about what pushed him there. But he knew what caused it. "This empty feeling I get, everytime nobody is around. This horrible loneliness sucking me in. And..."
"And I still do not understand." he voiced the thought out loud as he took his medication. "Why."
"Dad," Alexis put a hand on his bandaged wrists. "You'll be okay. You'll see that it will be ok-"
Her phone rang. "Oh, it's Pi. I have to answer. See you later Dad."
"Okay, honey," Castle said with a soft, yet sad smile. "See you later."
Mere minutes after Alexis left, Castle's phone rang. The name of the caller was just enough for him to scream in pain, even if it was internally.
Kate Beckett.
His heart skipped a beat, and felt a pang of pain in his chest, but he was decided to answer. He picked up the phone and uttered a very cold "Yes."
"Castle? I-How are you?"
He felt another beat skipping, and stood silent as he looked at the bandaged wrists.
"C-Castle? Are you still there?"
"Yes. It's nothing." he replied.
"What do you mean? You didn't answer-"
"You thought I was fine, didn't you?" he said, closing his eyes for a bit, then opened them as he looked for the glass of whiskey.
He was falling again.
"What?" she asked, the question taking her by surprise.
"You never cared to-"he started to say, before feeling it again.
The emptiness was there, and he couldn't take it anymore. He told her just seven, seven cold words.
"You wouldn't care if I was gone."
"Castle, that's not true-"
"Don't lie," he hissed through the emptiness, "don't lie. I wanted you, I invested my heart and soul into you, because I was serious about this. And the second you said you need space, I knew the distance thing would pedal again between us. Not to mention...what you said about Javier."
"He's just a friend, Castle. I don't feel anything romantic for him yet." Kate said, frustrated he was angry, when she wanted him to be safe and her best friend.
"It's what you say. It doesn't change the fact you hurt me. It doesn't."
He drank a bit of whiskey, as his hands were trembling, "And I told you. I wasn't there to be just another friend. I didn't fall for you, just for you to take my heart out, and leave me because it seemed much more convenient."
His head was spiraling, and he hung up on her. He didn't want to hear any excuse she had to put out for him. He just wanted this emptiness to fade away, this pain to vanish, as he started sleeping more and more on the couch. The bed became extremely uncomfortable, due to it being home for the thousands of fantasies he had with Beckett. He threw himself on the cozy brown couch and started crying, screaming into his pillow, feeling again worthless. However, he looked at his wrists and a wry smile crept upon his face. He was anything but fine.
"You wouldn't care if I was gone."