Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible hugon. Many brave knighted attempted had attempted to free her from this dreadful prevailed, but none prevailed. She waited in the hugon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss. "Hahaha! Like that's ever gonna happen."
In an outhouse, toilet paper rustled, and a toilet flushed. "What a load of--" The door burst open and Sora the ogre stretched and yawned. He scratched his ass-ew-and shook a piece of paper off his foot. He looked proudly at his tree house…thing. He smiled and took a shower of mud-spitting "Haley Joel Osment" onto the stone next to him—cleaned his teeth with slug juice-making the glass crack, revealing the name "Jesse McCartney"-jumping into the swamp water, and farted-um, gross- He put on an innocent expression, and took a dead fish out of the water, and the plankton moved to form the words, "Meaghan Jette Martin." He cleaned out his mud-filled chimney, and a slug fell out. It was picked up to reveal the words, "Paul St. Peter." Sora, at sunset, painted a sign that said, "Beware Ogre," and after kissing it, set it up right in front of the house. He was blissfully unaware of the village men preparing to kill him as he ate his dinner (human eyeballs), burped in front of a match, causing the flame to go into the fireplace, and relaxing. When they knocked over a sign, he finally heard them, got up, walked to the window, went back inside, and went out the back door.
The men moved the reeds, revealing Sora's house.
"Think it's in there?"
"All right. Let's get it!"
"Whoa. Hold on," the man who had spoken first held back the eager man. "Do you know what that thing can do to you?"
"Yeah," another joined in. "It'll grind your bones for its bread."
Sora laughed, scaring them. "Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres—They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast," he informed them, ignoring the outbursts. It was all a friggin' lie, of course, but they didn't need to know that, did they?"
One of the brave *cough, foolish, cough* cried, "Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!"
Sora smirked, licked his thumb and forefinger, and put the torch out. "Right," the villager chuckled nervously. Sora roared, spitting on them. The villagers screamed while Sora wiped his mouth on his sleeve. When they stopped screaming, he whispered, "This is the part where you run away." The men gasped, and then sprinted. Sora laughed, then shouted after them, "And stay out!" He picked up a sign, reading out loud, "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." He sighed, and tossed it.