Looking Back, a firefly fanfic

A/N: This is my first attempt at a Firefly fic or song fic for that matter. I hope ya'll like it. This song wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote this. Takes place after Serenity. Spoilers, I guess.

"Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

"Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Zoë walked around the small room, looking at everything that had belonged to him, everything that still belonged to him. She picked up his favorite "ugly" Hawaiian shirt form the floor and held it to her nose. It still smelled like him. She had once thought about burying him in this shirt and then decided to keep it, unable to part with it. Instead, she had found something else to lay him to rest in. She breathed in his scent one more time before she hung the shirt on the back of his favorite chair and left the room.

"There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Zoë woke in the middle of the night reaching for him, but he wasn't there. She wiped the tears from her eyes. She was angry, angry with him for leaving her. She was angry at the gorram Reavers for taking him from her. She was angry at the whole 'verse for still being alive when her man was dead. But most of all she was angry with herself for feeling angry with him. She let out a long sigh, hugged his pillow to her and fell back to sleep, alone, without him.

"Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

Zoë sat by her husband's grave on Haven. It had been six months since they buried Wash. She still felt broken inside, like she'd never be whole again. She touched the cold stone of the marker on his grave. If there was a God, he had a lousy since of humor. That should be her in that grave, not him. She felt the tears well up in her eyes again. She wondered if she would ever stop crying. She had never cried so much in her life as she had these past months. Not even when her pa died. She had seen all manner of death in the war, but none of it was as real to her as his death. Real, but not real, cause she felt him at night, in that time between sleep and waking, felt him right there next to her.

"Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"