Without A Heart Chapter 1: Without A Heart, a gakuen alice fanfic

Without A Heart

If I say that I'm in pain
If I say that I am sad
I'm scared I will shed my tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh
But people ask my why I'm crying

It was only yesterday when Natsume died. His body was brought back and his funeral is in 3 days. Everybody asks me if I'm in that much pain or if I'm alright, but why isn't anybody asking Ruka? He must feel 100 times worse then how I feel. Yet every time I think about how much worse it always seems like I'm taking it worse than he is. We barely talk anymore and we hardly make eye contact either. He blames himself for what happened and I don't think it was anyone's fault. I know he wouldn't want me to cry like this but I can't help it. I don't know why.

Everyday I cry, I smile, cry then smile again
what's wrong with me, why do I do this repeatedly?
Can't differentiate between bottles of alcohol and meals
So far in my life, I never felt pain this excruciating

I loved Ruka and he was the only one for me and Natsume was my important friend next to Hotaru, but why do I feel so broken since Natsume died? It's like pieces of me are gone especially from my heart. It aches all the time I think about him, but I can't stop thinking about him. I try to forget him but its really hard. Everywhere I go I'm reminded of him and our past together and what a fool I was for not realising how I felt earlier.

So far in my life, I never felt pain this excruciating
Absentmindedly, I write your name over and over on a piece of paper
In a day, finally the paper goes black and I let the pen go
I long for you, I hold onto my cellphone and I let it go
My eyes are filling up with tears again, this separation between us

Every time I go to class it's just me and Ruka now in the back seat. It's always so awkward and silent. We never officially broke up or said anything more than a few sentences each. Why doesn't my heart beat faster like it used to? Why doesn't my head spin in circles when his eyes are on mine? Now I know why and I really do regret not noticing it before....

I'm without a heart....
I don't have a heart
So I wouldn't be feeling pain
Everyday I talk to myself
and put myself under a spell
But even so, I keep shedding my tears

I stopped going to school and only went when I felt like it. To tell the truth I never really did feel like it. Usually I never left my room and Hotaru would bring me something to eat to make sure I wouldn't try to starve myself. I would only allow Hotaru to see me in the state that I was. I was ashamed of myself to be seen by anyone, especially Ruka. I told Hotaru about how I felt and all she did was hug me close and pat my head while my eyes filled to the brim with tears and she would say, "You'll know what to do and I know how you feel."

If I say that im in pain
I'm scared that I'll really be in pain
If I say that I'm sad
I'm sad that I will shed tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh
But people ask my why I'm crying
When I'm laughing like this

I know I shouldn't cry like this after you left but I can't help it.... I finally understand this feeling... but now it's too late...or is it?

After you left, I think I became a fool
I can't do, I can't do anything so I die
I shove myself into a corner and live
Without you there's nothing left to do
A day is too long way too long

I wait for my time to see you. No one is allowed to see you until the funeral tomorrow. A day is too long way too long. I sit in my room huddled in the corner not bothering to turn on the lights and just wait for the day to come. What could I have done differently? Why didn't you say anything to me?

But, what was I busy with to make you feel so lonely
When you wanted to go shopping, going out with my friends
was so easy, but why couldn't I do the same to you?

I was always so caught up in Ruka that I made you feel so lonely and in such a bad position. I really did think you were just mad about Ruka only having time for me but now I think I should have been with you too. I really do understand now that you were a huge part of my heart.

I always regretted being so slow
I dont' know if I'm really stupid, but I still can't let go of our bond

We were once so together the three of us and now i hope for the best of what to come. It was the day of the funeral and when I saw him I immediately held his cold, frozen hands that were once so warm and kind. I really did love Natsume. I can't let go now. I promise to stay with you forever. I know what I must do to stop hurting inside. Tears formed in my eyes as people rushed to console me but I wouldn't let go of Natsume.

I don't know how but they got me away from Natsume, but I wouldn't leave without a scene in front of the Academy. Everyone looked so sad that it made me feel worse and regret something but I don't know what I should have regretted. I still clutch both the letters he gave me and Ruka. I don't think I should have given it to him because he would have been so depressed to even think that Natsume used his alice too much to take on his missions...What made it worse was that I never even knew Ruka was going on them...and all just to protect me. Why does everything I do cause trouble to the people near me?

(Let's smile) like couples in dramas
(let's smile) like the title of your minihompy
(let's smile) happy like in my past

I refused to eat anything or drink anything and eventually lost a lot of weight. I didn't want to die like this this so I tried to drown myself in the river by the cliff, but people interfered so I went to the bathroom, but people stopped me there as well. Then Hotaru started to follow me around forcing me to eat but I wouldn't because....

'm without a heart....
I can't be in pain

I waited in my room in a corner and huddled there for Natsume to come get me. I broke the heater/air conditioning in my room so it was cold in my room. Hotaru tried to close the window but I would just open it back up because if it was closed Natsume couldn't come in for me and it really was cold in the middle of winter. Hotaru then tried to put a blanket over me but I would just flinch away from it and sit there huddled in my uniform on the cold ground.

'm without a heart
I can't be in pain
let's just laugh, just laugh, just laugh

I waited out and eventually Natsume came for me. He called me stupid for wasting my life like that refusing to eat and such, but he was madder at Hotaru for not trying harder. She invented a gas on my wish. A gas which releives your pain and you won't feel pain anymore. At first she refused to make such a gas but I wouldn't stop crying and begging for her to make it. She started crying, but made it and we said our goodbye's and I said...

Please, please lets stop crying now

I gave her my warmest smile I could muster and I handed her the papers that Natsume had given me and left peacefully with Natsume...

Hotaru was the broken one now...she felt like she had killed me but she knew she did the right thing for me. Like saving an animal from their torture. She wasn't broken for long because Ruka was with her now... I never knew she had a thing for Ruka...I felt really bad so Natsume and I blessed them in everything they did...