It was a peaceful day in Hogwarts, school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The birds were twittering in the trees, the giant squid was lazily swimming across the lake, and Ronald Bilius Weasley was screaming fit to bust. OK, maybe it wasn't that peaceful.
"VOLDEMORT HAS RETURNED!" shrieked the soulless one, jumping up and down with drool running down his chin. He looked like some sort of insane orangutan. "THE DARK LORD HAS RETURNED TO DESTROY US ALL!"
"Hey, I'm supposed to be the one doing that!" complained Harry. "And anyway, I killed Voldemort! Remember, that whole epic battle thing? You and Hermione finally hooked up, Neville beheaded a snake, and hundreds of people died, including your brother. You should remember shit like that, man!"
"HE HAS RETURNED, THOUGH!" declared Ron in a maidenly shriek. "I SAW HIM, MOMENTS AGO WHEN I WAS PISSING BEHIND THE WHOMPING WILLOW! THERE MUST BE ANOTHER HORCRUX LEFT TO DESTROY!"
"Impossible!" declared Cornelius Fudge, who had been concealing himself behind a passing emu prior to that moment. "This boy is mad!"
"...The majority of the fandom hopes that you were killed, myself including." said Harry bluntly. The ex-minister looked to the ground in sadness. "I'll just go, then." he said, hopping on Buckbeak. "Tally Ho, Hippogriff!" he declared, slapping the creature's arse. Indignant, Buckbeak flipped the portly man into the black lake, where he was subsequently devoured by a family of merpeople for Christmas Dinner. They feasted royally on his fat carcass for many days and nights, until finally they succumbed and exploded, unfortunately taking an old tramp with them. The tramp's name was Kevin and he had a beautiful funeral surrounded by sobbing Veela.
"Anyway, Ronald, Voldemort can't be alive! He, like, literally fell apart, right in front of me!" said Harry, indicating the chunks of Voldemort still flying around.
"THAT WAS JUST THE MOVIE MAKING UP BULLSHIT!" screamed Ron. "WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT HE FELL OVER, HE COULD HAVE SIMPLY BEEN PLAYING DEAD!" The chunks vanished. Nobody has seen them since.
"You're mental." said Harry, backing away.
"Even I think you're losing your sanity. Me." said Luna. She then proceeded to hop on the back of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack and ride off into the sunset, hunting for Nargles along the way.
Suddenly, Voldemort jumped out from behind a Skrewt. "Haha, I am alive!" he shrieked. "Prepare to die, Harry Potter and his orange friend!"
"OMG!" screamed Ron. "Harry, kill me! I don't want to give Voldemort the satisfaction!"
"Okee-Dokee!" said Harry cheerfully, taking a samurai sword out of thin air and swinging it at his pale-faced chum. However, his aim was so off that he accidentally stabbed himself in the galbladder.
"Oopsies." Harry said. He took one last look at Ron, whispered, "Goodbye." and exploded. Bits and pieces of him flew everywhere, his head remaining the only intact piece.
"Sooo...you gonna clean that up?" Ron asked the speechless Dark Lord. The only reply he recieved was an, "AVADA KEDAVRA!" shot at him by the furious Voldemort.
Of course, Voldemort was angry, as he had not killed Harry himself. At least there was now nobody to stop him taking over the wizarding world.
"HAHA! Now there is nobody to stop me from taking over the wizarding world!" yelled Voldemort in triumph.
"But isn't there another Horcrux out there still?" Neville asked, Apparating beside Voldemort.
"Yes, but you'll never find it!" cackled the Dark Lord. Neville looked around the grounds and picked up a rock. He stabbed it with the sword of Gryffindor.
"Aw, shi - " Voldemort said sadly before exploding into chunks, much like Harry before him.
"Hey, whadda ya know," said Neville happily, "I was the Chosen One, after all!