I had been lost in thought, I could tell from his expression he was awaiting an answer, but I had not heard what he had said, I tried my hardest to focus and snap out of the daydream I was in, he had hurt me I needed him to know that. All I could think of to say was one word, if he could honestly answer this then I would forgive him, without a second glance.
"Why?"He sighed, knowing that any pre-meditation of his reply would be scrapped, I could tell from the way he moved uncomfortably he had no lie prepared, he would tell me nothing but the truth.
"I...I wanted to protect you, Vera was threatening to sell things to the papers, about the family, and about you. I knew how much it would hurt you for me to leave, but it pained you less than if I'd stayed I can assure you that much" I could do nothing but snigger indignantly at such a thing, nothing could have hurt me more than that, he was the only thing that mattered.
"But that night, in the yard, I told you, I told you it meant nothing to me, and even so why couldn't you tell me the truth, tell me that you were planning to come back, just as soon as you could, I would have had hope at least!" I felt so embarrased, never in my life had I ever spoken so abruptly, yet he did nothing but smile at me, that sweet little smile that I only I had rights to and it sent me weak at the knees, all of a sudden I was terribly grateful to be sat down or I would have melted on the spot.
"My love, that is exactly why I did not tell you, I didn't want to leave you awaiting my return, at that time I could not promise you any more than a chance, I thought I was doing what was best, giving you another chance at a real life, the life you deserve but I soon found that I was too selfish to let you go completely, so I did some digging, hired a private investigator and everything while I was staying with Vera and I got proof of her unfaithfulness to me, I got proof of it, I found a way to be free of her, for good." I felt my mouth hit the floor, was he saying what he thought he was saying? Could it really be true?
"But you've been gone nearly a year, you never thought to write telling me of your plans? How could you be so sure I wouldn't have moved on, like you told me to? Like you said I should the day you broke my heart." At this moment in time, I couldn't believe how enpowered I felt, because I knew that I would never be judged for speaking my mind by him, by my John.
"If only I could truly express how sorry I am, I never wanted to hurt you and I was never sure, I was terrified that you would be settled down with Molesley, child on the way and that I had been too late but I lived in hope, knowing that if you loved me half as much as I loved you, you wouldn't give up on me so fast. If I can, if you'll let me, I want to spend the rest of my days trying to show you how much you mean to me, how grateful I am for your faith in me, I want to try and make you the happiest woman ever to walk the earth because I know that you can make me the happiest man. I love you, Anna Smith, I love more than you will ever know." As he made this declaration of love to me, I could feel the urge rising from my stomach, niggling at my heart, sending a tingle through my lips and right there, right then I gave in to the temptation.I leapt across the table, hands on his cheeks and before I knew it, my lips were on his once again, it had been too long since I had felt the stubble on his chin, the warmth of his hands around my waist. And in that moment I knew I could forgive for anything, yet I was the one to pull away.
"I love you too Mr Bates, and you already make me the happiest woman alive, all I need is you in my life to obtain that feeling, all I know is that you are the one for me, and like I said before, I would live in sin with you. Just promise me that you'll never leave again, not ever, no matter the circumstances?" I could feel the colour rising in my cheeks after I realized he was still recovering from my quick and unexpected actions. He gazed deep in to my eyes and for some unknown reason I let out a little giggle, with a furrowed brow he smirked and said that was a promise he could keep. He would never know how much that little smirk meant to me, yet I continue to wish that something that silly about me can give him butterflies.