I have often wished that someone would have told me what I was giving up when I turned my back on him. I was a fool, just 15 at the time, but I had held the world in my hands and I let him leave. He said he had to go so I let him and I turned my back on him. I did not know that I had given up so much by turning my back on him. I did not know at the time all I would lose for letting him walk away.
I lost a brother, a friend, a teacher, a role model and, in a way, I lost him too. He never was the same when he came back. Then again, seeing what we had seen, how could any of us have been the same? And he saw so much more. I will never know what he saw, he will not tell me, but I know it must have been terrifying.
I often wish that I had stopped him from leaving. If I had, would things have been different? I have no idea. I would like to think he wouldn't have changed so much. I would like to think Colin, Tonks, Fred, Professor Lupin and Dobby would still be alive. I would like to think that we could have still won without him leaving.
But I know it isn't true. I know that if he hadn't have left Voldemort would have found him and killed him. And then he would have killed the rest of us as well. But so many lives were lost, so many close to us, and I want so badly to think they could still be living if only I hadn't turned my back like he asked.
The hardest thing for me was letting him go when I wanted nothing more then hold to him tighter and ask him why it had to be like this. Why so many had to have such horrible lives. Why he had to give up everything for everyone else. None of it made any sense to me. I knew the stories, of course, and I knew what Voldemort was doing, but it didn't sink in what was happening until the war had already broken down the doors and taken us all prisoner.
And by that time it was too late. He was already long gone. He had no idea what was happening while he worked to save the world. He didn't know the war had reached us.
When he found out though, he came. And he fought. He fought alongside those who died. And I know he would have gladly died in their places if he could have. And while we all may have lost a lot, it seems like we have also gained quite a bit. Because now, in this time of peace, things are calm and happy. And while I let him walk away once before, I never let him leave without a promise that he will be back. Not only for me but for his son.