Ambassador Swanson
AN: This is just a goofy story I came up while watching Parks and Recreation. I love that show and I love comics so why not combine the two? In terms of the show, there's no specific point it takes place in. For the sake of context, assume it takes place prior to Ron's first meeting with Diana. In terms of the comics, there's no certain issue either. Wonder Woman is with the Justice League. She's Themyscira's ambassador. That's all there is to it. And given the recent events of the New 52, assume that this does not take place in a DCU where Amazons are vicious war criminals. It'll just make the story more enjoyable.
'This means character thoughts or psychic communication'
Disclaimer: I don't own Superman, Wonder Woman, or the Justice League. They are the property of DC Comics and Warner Brothers. Please don't sue. I also don't own Ron Swanson or Parks and Recreation. They are the property of NBC and the acting brilliance of Nick Offerman. Please don't sue.
I encourage everyone to take the time to review the story and provide feedback. This is a very different story compared to the ones I usually tell. It's not meant to be serious. It's meant to be funny. So if you enjoy it and would like to see more stories like this, please send me your comments via email at marvelmaster616 or post a review on the fanfiction website. Thank you and enjoy the story.
Themyscira – Temple of the Oracle
"We need to do this, mother. We can't keep putting it off," said a restless Diana as she stood next to her mother.
"You've been telling me this for months, Diana. Have you considered that there might be a reason for that?" replied her equally restless mother.
"That depends. Is it a good reason?"
Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons, gave her daughter an annoyed glance, but didn't answer. That told Diana everything she needed to know.
"I thought so," said Diana smugly.
"As your mother and your queen, I'd advise against being a smug little brat," said Hippolyta sternly.
"And as your daughter and your first ambassador to man's world, I'm advising you give this a chance. I'm not asking you to give birth to a titan. I'm asking you to channel your Amazonian strength and accept an ambassador from man's world."
"I'm fine with permitting an ambassador to Themyscira. That part I don't have a problem with. But you're insisting that it be a male ambassador and that troubles me."
"I don't see why it should," said Diana with folded arms.
"You're being smug again," said Hippolyta, "You know why, but I'll say it anyways."
"And it'll still be wrong," muttered Diana.
"It's too soon. Themyscira is not ready for this."
Princess Diana, or Wonder Woman as she was known to man's world, rolled her eyes at her mother's excuses. She loved her mother with all her heart, but she was as stubborn any god on Olympus. She and many of her fellow sisters were so set in their ways. Even after she reported all her wonderful experiences, they refused to embrace the outside world. Diana understood that Themyscira couldn't keep clinging to centuries of dogma. The world beyond the shores of their hidden island was changing too fast and they needed to change with it.
Her being an ambassador to man's world was an important first step. Thanks to her role in the Justice League and her connections through Steve Trevor, Diana helped open the world to her beloved homeland. She brought back all sorts of stories and artifacts from man's world, which helped spark her sisters' curiosity. Items like chocolate, lattes, and peanut butter were especially popular. However, she understood that productive change was a two-way street. If Themyscira was going to send an emissary into the outside world, then it had to accept someone from that world as well.
This led to the current divide between her and her mother. Diana had been pestering her for months now, urging her to allow an ambassador from man's world to visit the island. She was already adverse to visitors of any kind, but when Diana insisted that this ambassador be a man, she balked at every opportunity and so did many of her sisters.
It shouldn't have been such a big issue. The Amazons had permitted some visitors in the past. Not long ago, she convinced her mother to let Lois Lane from the Daily Planet visit Themyscira to do a report on their island. She had even permitted men like Superman and Batman to visit during times of crisis. Hippolyta probably wouldn't have had a problem if she just had Superman be the ambassador, but Diana didn't think that was enough.
She insisted that Themyscira find a normal, ordinary man for this role. He couldn't have superpowers or any ties to the Justice League. He had to be a true product of man's world. This way his perspective and that of her sisters would be entirely objective. They would have a clear insight into the nature of men and man's world and man's world would have a clear insight into the nature of the Amazons. It sounded so reasonable on paper, but her mother didn't like it in the slightest. It took an effort rivaling a battle against Darkseid, but Diana finally convinced her to do this. She just had to make sure it didn't become the disaster her mother dreaded.
"I too have my concerns about this endeavor, but it is not my place to argue," said Menalippe, the Amazons' chief oracle. "I'm just here to channel the whims of the gods as my queen and princess command."
"Pay no mind to any bickering you hear, sister," said Diana. "My mother has yet to come up with a valid excuse for putting this off any longer. I'm going to assume she has none so you should as well."
"Just because I can't come up with an excuse at the moment doesn't mean it's a good idea," said Hippolyta, still annoyed by her daughter's persistence.
"Well we won't know for sure until we find out now, will we?" Diana chided. "That's exactly why I want Menalippe to use the power of the gods to identify the perfect male ambassador."
Diana then turned her attention away from her mother's annoyed scold and towards the bubbling pool of alchemic concoctions before her. Menalippe had been working on it all afternoon, consulting Themyscira's vast libraries on alchemy and conjuring the wisdom of the ancients. It offered a window into the world of the gods where their power could be channeled. The Amazons had used such methods before, but they usually used it for providing foresight before a major battle. This was uncharted territory for everyone.
Hoping the aid of the gods would help make this idea more palpable to her sisters, Diana gazed into the swirling pool of fluids that had been assembled in a large circular well. The fluids had been bubbling for hours while Menalippe channeled her skills as oracle into it. Right now, it was like looking into a window obscured by dense fog. But through this fog lay the key to opening Themyscira up to the rest of the world.
"This man must embody the epitome of masculinity, but without blind misogyny," said Diana, "He must be strong, dedicated, and honorable. He must be capable of defending himself with both words and weapons. He must speak with wisdom and conviction, knowing the basic truths of the world without complicating the facts. He doesn't need to be overly imposing, but he needs to have a presence – one that garners respect from men and women alike."
"You're asking a lot of the gods, Diana," said Menalippe.
"And of your mother," added Hippolyta.
"It's still worth trying," said Diana as she gazed into the well intently. "I've seen so many wonderful things in man's world. I've met so many wonderful people. Surely, there is one man who meets these standards.
"The gods don't usually take this long to locate one moral, man or woman," said Menalippe with growing impatience. "Perhaps even they understand that Themyscira is not ready for this."
"And would you argue with the gods as you would your mother?" questioned Hippolyta.
"Unlike you, I have faith in the gods and in men. I believe they will find one. If he's truly worthy, then he will earn the respect of the Amazons."
Hippolyta and Menalippe remained skeptical. They had a hard time believing that such a man even existed. The Amazons had a long history of dealing with cruel, brutish men. It was a big reason why their society had been devoid of them for centuries. The idea that one man was worthy of changing those perceptions just didn't seem probable.
While Menalippe and her mother waited with growing impatience, Diana remained fixated on the well. There was still a log of fog. She could tell that the gods were searching, probing the vast energies of Olympus into this important task. It almost appeared to be struggling at times. Perhaps her criteria for the perfect male ambassador had been too ambitious.
Then, the fog within the bubbling liquid began to dissipate. The volatile energies within the substance stabilized. And to her mother's chagrin, the fluid gave off a brilliant glow to indicate that it had found someone.
"What is happening, Menalippe?" asked Hippolyta.
"By the stallions of Ares – they found someone!" replied Menalippe with genuine surprise. "They actually found a man worthy of visiting Themyscira."
The three women gathered around the glowing well. They watched as the fog faded and a vision portal to the world of man formed. Within this portal, a figure began to take shape. This figure may very well hold the key to the Amazon's future with man's world.
"Who is it? Who is this remarkable man and where does he come from?" asked Diana with growing intrigue.
"Hold on," said Menalippe, her eyes now glowing as she consulted with the wisdom of Olympus, "I…I see him. The gods claim he is quite a man. He has no godly abilities or heritage. He is an ordinary mortal, but one whose spirit and presence truly towers over all others. He has the respect and admiration among men and women from all walks of life, as well as the fear and dread of those who oppose him."
"You make him sound like a demigod," scoffed Hippolyta.
"But he's not a demigod. That's the point," said Diana. "Tell me, Menalippe – does this remarkable man have a name?"
"Yes," she answered, her eyes still glowing. "His name is…"
The Watchtower
"Ron Swanson? This is who you want to be mankind's ambassador to Themyscira?" said Superman with a raised eyebrow.
"He is the one the gods deem worthy so he is my choice," shrugged Wonder Woman.
"I'm not questioning the ability of your gods, but what exactly makes this Ron Swanson so qualified?"
"I don't claim to understand the wisdom of the gods. I simply have faith that they do what they do for a reason."
"And the reason in this instance would be…" said Superman, still very confused.
"Honestly, Kal – I have no idea," Wonder Woman conceded.
Superman and Wonder Woman were at a loss. Within hours, the chosen ambassador from man's world would arrive on the shores of Themyscira. However, his identity and background had caused a fair amount of confusion and Wonder Woman had to make sense of it soon.
Both she and Superman were standing in front of the Watchtower's main computer as it displayed a file photo of this Ron Swanson. By all accounts, he looked like an ordinary man. He wasn't overly tall or heavily muscled. His build appeared entirely typical of a middle-aged man. In the photo, he wore a simple black suit and he had short, dark-brown hair. He also had a distinct, well-groomed mustache that complemented his complexion.
What also stood out was his expression. He wasn't smiling in this photo. He had a very stoic, firm glare. It was the kind of glare they only saw in Batman. Something about that added to their confusion, but it also sparked their intrigue.
"Tell us more about this man, Bruce. Who is he?" asked Superman.
"That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer," replied Batman, who had been compiling information on this man. "His birth certificate is redacted. On date-of-birth, it just says 'Spring.' He has no bank account, no social media accounts, and no medical records aside from a hernia he recently suffered."
"That's odd," said Superman. "What is he? Some sort of covert spy?"
"Maybe he's part of some sort paramilitary group," suggested Wonder Woman.
"Actually, he's the director of the Department of Parks and Recreation for the city of Pawnee, Indiana," said Batman.
Superman and Wonder Woman looked at their friend and teammate strangely. Batman, for once, seemed just as confused. But as always, he was dead serious.
"And…" said Wonder Woman, expecting more.
"That's it," said Batman. "That's the only relevant information I could find. The man goes out of his way to avoid leaving a paper trail."
"Sounds a bit paranoid," said Superman.
"Not really," said Batman. "Apparently, he's just very private and very adverse to anything the government can use to track him. The only trail I've uncovered involves divorce papers for his two ex-wives, both of which are named Tammy."
"And for some reason, that didn't bother the gods?" said Wonder Woman.
"Well if some of the data on these two women is accurate, that might make him more qualified," said Batman. "Other than that, the only relevant fact I've uncovered is that he's won every major eating challenge at every steakhouse in the region – including one where he ate all the bacon and eggs at a diner."
"What kind of eating contest is that?" said Superman skeptically.
"It wasn't a contest. He literally ate all the bacon and eggs a diner had in stock one night."
Superman and Wonder Woman exchanged glances. They then looked back up at the image before them. They still had some serious questions about this man and if Batman couldn't get the answers, then nobody could.
"I still have faith in the wisdom of the gods, but even I can't deny I have reservations," said Wonder Woman anxiously.
"You're not the only one. I talked to Steve Trevor earlier today. He had a surprisingly difficult time convincing him to do this," said Batman. "His exact words were, 'I'm not sure I'm interested in that. Actually no, I am sure I'm not interested in that. Me helping the government with anything would be like a dog helping a vet cut off his nuggets.'"
"He actually said that?" said Superman with a raised eyebrows.
"He must have said something along those lines because Trevor requested a week of leave after leaving Pawnee," said Batman. "Swanson refuses to take an official title – something about having a government label doesn't sit well with him. He doesn't even want the government to pay him. He'll only agree to visit Themyscira if Trevor got him immunity from the IRS and purge his name from every government database."
"He can do that?"
"That's…an odd request," said Superman.
"But Trevor was able to get the immunity deal from the Attorney General. I took care of the government database, which I know the government didn't intend to honor," said Batman. "If this man really is going to be the new Themyscira ambassador, we need to give him a reason to trust us."
Batman rose up from the console. He had done everything he could to help Wonder Woman with this issue. He could tell she was somewhat anxious about this. For someone didn't hesitate to punch Darkseid in the face, that was pretty telling. She was the one who pushed this. She wanted Themyscira to open up to the outside world as she had done. But in his experience, change like this was risky even if her heart was in the right place like always.
"He's scheduled to arrive on Themyscira this afternoon. If you want to call this off, now's the time," said Batman.
"It's a little late for that," said Wonder Woman, now pacing restlessly. "If I call this off, then it could be decades before my mother agrees to something like this."
"You sure you wouldn't rather wait?" asked Superman.
"Not as sure as I'd like to be, but I'd rather do this now. The longer my sisters cling to these outdated beliefs about men and man's world, the harder it'll be to convince them otherwise."
"It'll be even harder if this backfires," added Batman. "Are sure you want to take that chance?"
Diana kept pacing for a few moments. This was a risky endeavor. There was no way around it. However, in recalling all the wondrous things she experienced in man's world, she saw too many benefits. Her sisters had been isolated for so long. The Amazons needed to connect with man's world again. This effectively sealed her decision.
"I supposed that's a chance I'll have to take," she sighed as she stopped pacing. "If this Ron Swanson is truly as extraordinary as the Oracle claims, then he'll find a way to convince my sisters. He'll have to be a man of extraordinary charisma to succeed. Let's hope he's up to the challenge."
Aboard the Batwing – Later That Day
Diana prided herself on her many skills as an Amazon, a hero, and a member of the Justice League. She could battle an army of hostile alien invaders, go toe-to-toe with Darkseid, and stand alongside real and phony gods like few others could. However, none of her skills prepared her for this.
"Um…has he said a word since we took off from Pawnee?" whispered Steve Trevor, who sat next to Diana aboard the Batwing.
"No. He has not," replied Diana, who had been studying Ron Swanson since they took off.
"Is he…okay?" asked Steve anxiously.
"For the record, my ears are in working order," said Ron Swanson, finally breaking his silence. "Just because I do not speak doesn't mean something is wrong. It just means I prefer silence to meaningless noise, which is what most talking tends to be."
Steven and Diana exchanged awkward glances. They still didn't know what to make of this man. He didn't seem at all excited about this trip. He hadn't asked any questions about Themyscira, the Amazons, or what he would be doing. He just boarded the Batwing, carrying only two mid-sized travel bags. He then sat down and didn't say a word.
Diana remained concerned, but not enough to call this off. They would be on the shores of Themyscira within the hour and her mother was expecting an ambassador who epitomized the best of man's world. She could only cling to her faith that Ron Swanson could be that man.
"You know, most men wouldn't be this reluctant to visit an island of warrior women," said Steve, still trying to make the silence less awkward. "On top of that, you're getting a free Mediterranean vacation on the government's dollar."
"So I'm wasting taxpayer money and flying to an island that isn't a state and/or commonwealth of the United States of America – the only country that matters?" retorted Ron.
"I'm surprised you missed the part about the island of warrior women," said Steve, trying to emphasize that point.
"I'm not sure what point you're trying to make, but you're reminding me why I prefer silence."
"I think what Steve is trying to say is that we're going out of our way to accommodate you, Mr. Swanson," said Diana, stopping Steve before he could say anything else. "We understand this is inconvenient for us all, but we feel this is an important step. You must understand my homeland, Themyscira, has been isolated for many centuries and…"
Ron held up his hand to silence her, not swayed for a moment by her tone or words.
"Please ma'am, I don't need or want a complete history of your homeland. I already understand this wasteful government endeavor perfectly. You're from a country that happens to be populated by women. That country wants diplomatic relations with other countries. And while I see most diplomatic efforts as government-sponsored whining, I also see merit in introducing others to the values of America."
"But it's not just America you're representing," Steve reminded him. "You're representing mankind as a whole for a race of women are openly hostile to men."
"I have two ex-wives named Tammy – both of them huge bitches," said Ron firmly. "I survived a honeymoon at a Huston steakhouse with Tammy One and several nights in a Montana cabin with Tammy Two. I believe that equips me to deal with most kinds of hostile women."
"With all due respect to your ex-wives…"
"Don't give them more than they deserve. Trust me, they'll suck it out of your heart and blow it through your genitals if they could," added Ron.
"That's…disturbing and irrelevant," said Steve, now stammering as he addressed this man. "The Amazons are an important ally. We have a chance here to establish a genuine partnership between Themyscira and the rest of the world. And we're going to blow that chance if you don't have a clear understanding of…"
Once again, Ron silenced Steve. Then, his expression hardened, the first shift in his expression they had seen in him since they took off. It added an extra level of seriousness to his demeanor.
"Son, I think you need to learn to appreciate silence a little more," said Ron in a more annoyed tone. "Quit trying to sound like General Patton. Unless your name is George C. Scott, you're doomed to fail."
Now Steve was getting annoyed. He was about to respond, but Diana held up her arm to stop him. Ron Swanson made it clear that he was not a man who would be dissuaded.
"Furthermore, you and Ms. Wonder Woman here need to understand that I'm a simple man. I like breakfast food and pretty dark haired women. I enjoy woodworking, lovemaking, and books about old wooden ships. I don't expect an island of women to share my interests. However, I've been told to show these women what kind of man I am and what kind of man America can birth. And if a pure-blooded American man is not enough for them, then that's their problem."
Steve, having dealt with hostile Amazons before, tensed at this man's attitude. This time, he stopped himself from saying anything. He wasn't going to make this any harder than it already was. If this man wanted to get himself killed by a pack of angry warrior women, then that was his problem.
While Steve had his concerns about Swanson, Diana's intrigue over him grew. She found herself scrutinizing him in a different manner. He was simple, but not crude. He didn't care to complicate this situation more than it needed to be. He also didn't have any emotional stake in this effort whatsoever. Something about that seemed appropriate. Maybe he was qualified to do this after all.
"This guy is starting to look like a mistake," Steve whispered.
"I don't know. I'm starting to like him," she said with a half grin.
"Funny…in the wrong sort of way," he replied.
"Wasn't trying to be funny," said Diana. "I think he might be able to do this."
"Really? You think this guy will give the Amazons enough reasons to trust men?"
"Maybe I wasn't loud enough before, but my ears still work," Ron announced in a louder tone. "Either refine your whispering skills or learn to appreciate silence."
Steve groaned with growing frustration while Diana shook her head. They opted to remain silence for the rest of the trip. They could already feel the Batwing descending. This was definitely going to be an uphill battle. They wouldn't know how this would pan out until they arrived on Themyscira. Then, they could find out for sure if Ron Swanson could be the ambassador that mankind needed him to be.
Themyscira
"Are you ready for this, Mr. Swanson?" asked a nervous yet hopeful Diana.
"I was born ready. I'm Ron fucking Swanson," Ron replied.
The Batwing had just landed in a special landing zone near the shores of Themyscira. Hippolyta and a group of Amazons were waiting outside to greet them. Diana, expecting plenty of challenges, stood next to Ron near the hatch where they prepared to exit.
Before they stepped out, Diana looked back towards Steve. He and Batman would be taking off as soon as they stepped out, leaving Ron alone on this island of warrior women who had a long history of being hostile to men. However, he didn't show a shred of concern or fear. This might end up being more nerve-racking for Diana than anyone else.
"He says he's ready. I'm not going to say another word," said Steve with a shrug.
"See? The benefits of silence are many," said Ron.
"So it would seem," sighed Diana, choosing not to compound this issue any further.
The hatch to the Batwing opened and Diana stepped out with Ron onto the platform. As soon as they were off, the hatch closed and the Batwing took off. Diana and Ron now faced an envoy of Themyscira's representatives.
Her mother naturally led the way, surrounded by her royal guard. She actually had her elite warriors at her side, each wearing full armor and ready to fight a full-scale war for their queen at a moment's notice. In addition, two of Themyscira's best warriors, Philippus and Aleka, stood next to Hippolyta. They also wore their armor, giving off an intimidating demeanor. But Ron continued to show no fear as he approached with Diana.
"Let's get this over with," he said. "The longer I'm away from American soil, the more I'll miss her beautiful fields and delicious steakhouses."
"They…might be difficult at first," warned Diana. "You are the first mortal man to be invited to Themyscira in centuries."
"Unless it comes with a free steak dinner, I couldn't care less. Now let's do this," said Ron.
He was far less nervous than he should've been. Diana planned to act as a mediator and was prepared to defend Ron if things went bad. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that.
Upon reaching the envoy, Hippolyta and her fellow Amazons gazed at their visitor curiously. Some gripped their swords intently, not knowing what to expect from this man. He was hardly as imposing as Superman or Batman. That eased some concerns while raising others.
"This is the new ambassador for man's world?" said Philippus with a raised eyebrow.
"And to think, I cleaned my sword this morning," scoffed Aleka.
"Sisters, let us be civil with our guest," said Hippolyta, who wore her royal garb instead of her armor. "Diana, I take it this is the man the Oracle chose."
"Indeed, it is mother," said Diana, stepping aside so her mother could greet him. "Sisters, this is Ron Swanson from the village of Pawnee, Indiana. Mr. Swanson, this is my mother, Hippolyta, and the queen of the Amazons."
"It is an honor to meet you, Mr. Swanson," said Hippolyta, showing some reservation of her own.
"Likewise, Your Majesty," replied Ron, "And I say that term with more respect than usual. Where I come from – the great United States of America – the only royalty we deal with serves burgers."
"I…appreciate that," she replied.
Hippolyta wasn't sure what to make of his greeting. Some of the other Amazons were already chatting amongst themselves, trying to figure out this man. It made for an awkward first meeting.
"I'm sorry, but I fail to see why we should honor this man as an ambassador," said Aleka.
"What exactly qualifies you to be a man worthy of such a role anyways?" asked Philippus.
"I have chest hair, a mustache, and I pee standing up. Those are my qualifications. Take from them what you will," said Ron.
The two imposing Amazons looked at him with a raised eyebrow. They couldn't tell if he had just insulted them or if he was being serious. Whatever the case, it was reason enough to grip their swords a bit harder.
"I'd choose your words more carefully, mortal man. Do you think this is a joke?" said Aleka.
"No. A joke usually involves a lie. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke," said Ron plainly.
"I'm starting to hate this man, my queen. Just say the word and I'll gut him where he stands," said Philippus, not even trying to hide her sentiment.
"You'll do no such thing!" said Diana, jumping out in front of Ron.
"Pretend you can stop me, Princess. It won't do you any good," said Philippus, now getting up in Diana's face.
Now some of Hippolyta's royal guard grew tense. They all gripped their swords, ready to fight at a moment's notice. They weren't used to a man being on their sacred island, let alone a man they didn't know or trust. This was exactly what Diana had hoped to change with her sisters and already they were off to a rocky start.
"Please – he just got here," urged Diana, now glancing towards her mother. "Let us at least try to be civil before judging this man."
"Say that as though you actually value your sisters' judgment. I dare you!" spat Aleka.
It would've been easier to let Diana and Aleka fight it out. That was how Amazons often resolved their disputes. It was part of their culture. But for the sake of this ambitious endeavor, Hippolyta had to do things the hard way.
"Enough!" she said sternly. "Aleka, stand down. That goes for you too, Philippus. This is neither the time nor place to argue over whose judgment is more valued. We're supposed to be making an impression for our guest. Mind your honor or I will mind it for you."
The queen's authoritative tone finally got the Aleka and Philippus to step back. The rest of the royal guard settled as well, albeit reluctantly. Diana remained in front of Ron just in case. This was clearly going to be more difficult than either of them had imagined.
Remarkably, Ron Swanson was not at all fazed by this display of hostility. He just stood in place, having the same hardened expression he showed since he arrived. The Amazons were used to intimidating others, especially men. His presence and demeanor still left Hippolyta and her sisters concerned.
"I apologize for that, Ron. My sisters are a little…tense," said Diana, earning herself some angry glares from Aleka and Philippus.
"No apologies necessary," said Ron. "This is far from the most hostile greeting I've ever experienced. My divorce hearings from my ex-wife were far more violent. So long as this doesn't end with someone biting a judge's ear off, I'd say it's civil enough."
"I'll take your word for it," said Diana, rolling her eyes. "We'll still try to improve as only Amazons can. We, mother?"
"We will…within reason, of course," said Hippolyta, still showing plenty of skepticism.
Diana finally stepped back and allowed her mother to finally greet Ron directly. Her royal guard remained apprehensive, but they stayed back. Hippolyta still didn't shake Ron's hand or bow to him in any way. Amazons didn't show such respect to anyone, man or woman, that hadn't earned it. This man had a long ways to go, but she promised Diana she would give him a chance and she intended to make good on that promise.
"I sense we've had enough formal greetings. I suggest we try something more productive. How about a tour of the island, Mr. Swanson?" said Hippolyta.
"Usually, I don't count any activity that doesn't result in a new piece of furniture as productive, but I suppose I can make an exception for the sake of this civility you speak of," replied Ron.
"Then follow me. Let us begin and see what comes of this," said the queen, opting not to scrutinize this man's words more than she had to.
Still surrounded by her royal guard, Hippolyta led Ron away from the landing zone and towards the main settlement in the heart of Themyscira. Diana stayed close, still sensing plenty of hostility from her sisters, especially Aleka and Philippus. She would have to remain on her guard in case someone said or did something wrong. There was no telling what direction this visit would go, but she hoped for the best while preparing herself for the worst.
'Hera, grant me the strength to get me through this.'
Themyscira Training Barracks
Despite a tense greeting, the momentous visit of a mortal man to Themyscira proceeded without incident. Hippolyta arrived in the main plaza with Ron, Diana, and her convoy of royal guards. She then led Ron around the central settlement, which was built around the main palace and the Temple of Hera. She showed him the main markets where the Amazons conducted their day-to-day business, the bath houses where they bathed, and the residence areas. It offered the most basic insight into Amazonian life.
While there were other Amazons going about their daily lives, most stayed out of the way. Some areas, like the bath houses, had been completely vacated. Every Amazon still viewed Ron with suspicion, but they managed to restrain themselves. At the order of the queen, they were expected to give this man a chance. They just weren't sure what he would do with it.
Ron remained silent for the most part, only occasionally commenting on the craftsmanship and the Greco-Roman architecture. He didn't seem interested in having long conversations of any kind. He was content to say only what needed to be said and nothing more. His general lack of enthusiasm still concerned some of the Amazons, but his lack of hostility did alleviate some of their concerns.
This came as a relief to Diana, who sensed her mother growing a bit more comfortable. Eventually, they made it to the barracks where every Amazon trained. For this, however, she expected her mother to make an impression.
"And here is where our sisters turn from girls into women and from women into Amazons," said Hippolyta as they stood on an observation deck. "From the moment they can hold a sword, an Amazon is trained to fight. They learn all manner of hand-to-hand combat, they're conditioned to maximize the potential of their immortal bodies, and they're taught to master every weapon in our arsenal. While we do allow them to pursue other passions, an Amazon is expected to be competent in battle. We are warriors first and foremost. Every other duty secondary."
"I know you men have warriors, but I promise you – you've never created warriors like this," said boasted Philippus.
They allowed Ron to take in the display before him. They happened to arrive in the middle of a training session amongst several dozen Amazons. They all wore specially weighted training togas to simulate armor. They each had in their hands a wooden sword. And with these words, they simulated basic and advanced sword-fighting maneuvers. In addition, they did all these maneuvers in perfect unison, demonstrating the uncanny discipline that came with being an Amazon.
"We are warriors! We are warriors! We are warriors!" they chanted together.
These chants coincided in conjunction with each movement. They even sped up upon sensing the presence of their queen.
Beyond the basic drills, there were other areas nearby where Amazons actually sparred. Several pairs of Amazons stood in a confined area, fighting with wooden sticks or with their bare hands. The attacks were real and brutal, complete with grunts and cries of pain. It offered a perfect insight into what the Amazons were all about.
For a moment, Hippolyta let Ron Swanson take in this sight. Some, especially Philippus, expected him to be intimidated or shocked by seeing such strong women. Many Amazons had been led to believe that the men of man's world preferred women to be weak and subordinate. They all listened intently for the first ambassador of Themyscira's assessment.
"Impressive," was all Ron said.
"Impressive? That's all you have to say?" scoffed Aleka.
"Aleka, please don't," groaned Diana, already shaking her head.
"I'd say it's an appropriate term," said Ron. "I am impressed by what I see."
"You're not at all offended by women defending themselves and not relying on men for protection?" asked Philippus.
"Why would I be offended by that?" said Ron, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I find it quite admirable, women learning to fight rather than relying on inept government policing services or divorce courts. In my experience, there are two kinds of people – people who fend for themselves and people who are content to fatten themselves for the first hungry predator that comes their way."
"By people, don't you mean men?" asked Hippolyta.
"No. I don't," said Ron plainly. "The presence or absence of certain body parts should not be an excuse. My mother fought and subdued three thieves who tried to steal a tractor – all while she was in labor with me. And after she birthed me, she went back and punched one of the thieves in the eye-socket for good measure."
His response genuinely surprised Hippolyta. It also surprised Philippus and Aleka as well. This man's attitudes towards women were not what they expected. Seeing them train to be warriors did not jar him in the slightest. His admiration of them was completely genuine. It flew in the face of their assumptions about men and their attitudes. It was both unexpected and welcome.
There was also something oddly refreshing about his plain, unambiguous assessment. Even Diana was surprised. She and her mother were starting to see why the oracle had chosen this man to be mankind's ambassador.
"Your mother sounds like an interesting woman," said Diana.
"I'm not sure she would agree. She was a simple woman with simple standards. You either took care of yourself or you didn't get a bedtime steak," said Ron.
"She used food as a reward?" asked Hippolyta.
"A steak is its own reward, ma'am – as is self-reliance. That's what my mom taught. That's what America values. And that's what I value."
"And they are honorable values."
"On this, we agree."
Hippolyta smiled for the first time since meeting this man. Anyone who appreciated honorable values deserved respect, regardless of gender. This Ron Swanson was no warrior, but he had a warrior's spirit. That added to his growing credibility as an ambassador.
They continued watching the Amazons train. Diana remained on alert, but sensed her sisters growing more comfortable around this man. They didn't see him as a threat anymore. That didn't mean they trusted him, but it was still a promising start.
"Well then, I suppose we should continue with the tour," said Hippolyta. "Our shipyard is not far from here. Some of my sisters are scheduled to embark on fishing expedition soon."
Now it was Ron Swanson's turn to smile. It was the first time his expression changed since his arrival, which caught Diana a bit off-guard.
"You had me at shipyard, ma'am," said Ron. "Let's get moving. I'm at my best when I'm in the presence of wooden ships."
Themyscira Shipyard
"I usually don't say this twice within the span of a single day, but I'll say it anyways – impressive," said Ron Swanson upon seeing the Amazon's collection of ships. "I'm starting to think that this won't be nearly the waste of time I thought it would be."
The first male emissary to Themyscira was enjoying himself more than he expected, much to the surprise and chagrin of the Amazon hosts. As soon as Hippolyta led him to the main shipyard where most of the Amazon's seafaring vessels were crafted, Ron's demeanor shifted. He showed more interest in the ships than he had anything else on Themyscira thus far. It was strange to the Amazons, but it also revealed that this man had his share of passions.
Upon arriving, several fishing vessels were preparing to depart. A number of Amazon artisans worked to launch the ship into the canal that led to open waters. Others were working in various dry docks, hammering and chiseling away on various components. Ron looked around at these projects with wonder. He actually walked out ahead of Hippolyta and Diana at one point, running his hand over some of the wood that was used to create these vessels.
"You have a fine assortment of lumber and I don't say that lightly," commented Ron as he focused on a stack of wood. "I sense a solid consistency of oak with a hint of pine. There's not a lot of mahogany, but you're making a boat – not some overpaid bureaucrat's desk."
"You know your wood, Mr. Swanson. Are you a sailor?" asked Hippolyta.
"No, but I do have a strong appreciation for any wooden product carved by a skilled hand. And speaking as a man who built his first canoe when he was seven, I can say that your people here make quality ships."
"Thank you," said Hippolyta. "Amazons might be warriors at heart, but we do value other crafts as well."
"And crafts such as woodworking should be valued. Most people these days are content to buy lesser products from China – complete with lead, oppression, and all things un-American. And to answer your next question – no, by people I don't just mean men."
Hippolyta and Diana watched as Ron continued to admire the dry docks. He seemed to be catching on with some of the Amazon's attitudes about men. It showed he had been listening to them when they scrutinized his words. That was reassuring, as was his respect for their handiwork.
After scrutinizing the Amazons' collection of wood, Ron turned his attention to the canal where two ships had just launched. Some Amazon sailors were already paddling out into open waters, armed with nets and spears. It gave him a moment to watch a well-crafted wooden ship in action, which put another rare smile on his face.
"I'm glad to hear you're so unbiased in your appreciation of skilled crafts," said Hippolyta.
"The way I see it, bias is an excuse for the weak and the lazy hide their shortcomings. Since I am neither, I've no need for bias," said Ron.
"That's reassuring," said the Amazon queen.
"That or he just indirectly criticized Amazon culture for its biases," said Aleka, still not impressed.
"Ma'am, the only things I criticize are wasteful government spending and restaurants that don't serve steak," retorted Ron. "Anything else would be wasting time that would be better spent in silence."
Aleka still sneered at the man, but Ron didn't even look in her direction. Hippolyta also dissuaded her from making a scene. The more she spoke to this man, the more comfortable she felt with his presence. While her sisters remained skeptical, she sensed in them a growing curiosity about this man. They might actually be willing to give this man a chance.
Ron remained fixated on the ships floating out to sea. He then turned his attention to one of the nearby dry-docks, which had an unfinished ship in place. Another rare smile formed on his face. He couldn't remember the last time he smiled twice in a day that didn't involve multiple steak dinners. He thought he wouldn't find much to enjoy on an isolated island far from American soil. It seemed this place had more to offer than he hoped.
"Poor thing, looks like one your ships didn't make it out to sea. What a tragedy," said Ron as he ran his hands over the unfinished ship.
"Amazons are great warriors, but even Amazons make mistakes," Hippolyta conceded.
"Don't be so humble, my queen. This wasn't a mistake. One of our craftswomen just cut a few segments of the keel wrong," said Philippus.
"A common mistake that even the best of us make, but one that can be overcome," said Ron as he continued to assess the unfinished ship. "With the right tools, I could have this beauty fixed and ready for sailing in two hours."
"Two hours? Really?" scoffed Aleka.
"Just bring me the tools and some protective eyewear and I promise you – I'll make this ship seaworthy in under two hours."
One Hour and Forty-Five Minutes Later
"I never thought I'd say this about a man, but I'll say it anyways – I'm impressed," said a surprised and humbled Aleka.
"Could you say that any more begrudgingly, sister?" said Wonder Woman with a half-grin.
"Don't push it, Diana."
Hippolyta, Diana, and their fellow Amazons watched in astonishment as Ron Swanson put the finishing touches on a ship that was intended to be scrap. He had just nailed the final pieces into place, showing the kind of meticulous care that would've impressed Hephaestus himself. He even found time to sand and polish parts of the ship, giving it a unique luster. When a couple of Amazons, who had been working at the docks, placed the ship in the water, they all marveled at how well it floated.
Ron Swanson, now dusting his hands off, watched proudly as the ship floated in the canal. It was a satisfying achievement. Anytime a beautiful wooden ship made it out to sea was a moment worth cherishing.
As he watched a few Amazons step onto the ship and load it up for use, he barely noticed some of the Amazons chatting amongst themselves. Many in the royal guard were genuinely impressed. It was not the display of a warrior, but it was still a craft worthy of admiration. Some even dared to smile at him. The only ones who still refused were Aleka and Philippus, but their opinion of Ron Swanson was quickly becoming a minority.
"A fine job indeed, Mr. Swanson," said Hippolyta, now standing next to him. "Your gesture is truly appreciated."
"No need, ma'am. Crafting another beautiful ship so that she may sail is its own reward," said Ron proudly.
"You are certainly a man of principle, Mr. Swanson," said Hippolyta. "As warriors, we Amazons also appreciate that."
"That, I will accept," said Ron. "Principle, like honor, is a needlessly complicated concept. If you need it defined, then you don't have it."
Hippolyta and Ron watched the ship sail out of the canal. Hippolyta smiled again. Anyone of principle and honor deserved respect, regardless of their gender. Ron Swanson certainly embodied this. Aside from Aleka and Philippus, this man was quickly gaining the respect of her fellow Amazons. The hostility had long-since subsided. Her royal guard no longer kept their hands on their weapons. Ron had peaked their curiosity to the point where they set their inherent hostility towards men aside.
"Well I'm glad we found some common ground. I didn't expect it to involve shipbuilding, but it's a start," said Diana, feeling a bit more at ease now.
"Better to be pleasantly surprised than thoroughly disappointed," said Ron. "At times it makes me wonder why the city won't let me attach a wood shop to my office. Then I remember that I work for the government and I stop wondering."
"Well we'll try to make your role as ambassador as pleasant as possible," said Diana. "Now then – should we continue the tour?"
"I'm not sure that would be productive at this point," said Hippolyta. "I didn't intend to spend nearly two hours here at the shipyard."
"One hour and forty-five minutes, but I'd say it was time well spent," said Ron. "A tour will never produce something as beautiful as a ship."
"That might be true, but I was hoping to conclude it in time for the hunting party we had scheduled for this afternoon."
For the third time today, which matched a new record, Ron smiled. Once again, he showed a rare spark of intrigue. It was rare he found himself in a place where he could exercise many of his interests, especially one that involved aiding the government, but he learned to embrace these kinds of opportunities. To do otherwise would've been un-American.
"So you ladies both build your own ships and you hunt?" said Ron. "How very American of you."
"Was that a compliment?" said Philippus, still keeping her distance.
"One of the highest I can give when I'm not on American soil," said Ron. "With your permission, I'd like to skip the rest of the tour and partake in this hunt."
"You wish to hunt with the Amazons?" scoffed Aleka. "What makes you think you're capable of doing so?"
"Well as it just so happens, I came equipped," said Ron before turning to Diana. "Ms. Wonder Woman, does one of your associates still have my bags?"
"Yes. Both of them," answered Diana.
"Then if you would, please have them hand me the larger of the two."
Curious yet still cautious, Diana signaled one of the royal guards who had been carrying Ron's bags. She obediently came over and handed Ron one of his bags. He had brought only two, which surprised Diana. He never said what was inside. She just assumed it was clothes and documents. But when he set the bag down and unzipped it, she and her sisters were surprised by this man once again.
"Is that a…" began Diana.
"It is," said Ron, "A certified compound hunting bow, American made and bearer of the Ron Swanson seal of approval."
Ron then picked up the bow and held it proudly, unfolding it and calibrating it to his preferred specifications. Some of the Amazons reacted strongly, seeing a weapon in the hand of a man. Others were more curious at the sight of such a weapon. The idea that a man would bring a weapon with him didn't sit well with some, but at the same time it seemed like something an Amazon would do.
"Why in Hera's name would an ambassador bring such a weapon with him?" asked Philippus suspiciously.
"Because overpaid government liaisons refused to let me bring my shotguns, but I'll make due. If I'm hungry enough, any item in my hands can become a weapon," said Ron.
"So you just bring a weapon with you wherever you go?" asked Diana, a bit embarrassed that she didn't check this man's bags before they arrived.
"Of course. I'm an American. Why wouldn't I?" said Ron.
Diana was a bit taken aback. That wasn't meant to be a serious question, but she still got a serious answer. Ron didn't seem at all concerned with the impression this sent. He was already preparing himself for the hunt.
"It may work out for the best. I've captured many a meal with this beauty. I never miss an opportunity to stain it with the blood of something delicious," said Ron. "With the Queen's permission – something no American says lightly, mind you – I'd like to partake in this hunt. I'd like to make sure we have an appropriate feast."
"That's…kind of you, Mr. Swanson. But I must warn you – the creatures we Amazons hunt are not for the foolish or weak," said Hippolyta. "We have wild bores, hogs, feral cats, and beasts that test even experienced warriors.
"I appreciate your warning, but it is unnecessary. For when I hunt, it is only the animal that is scared," said Ron. "Give me three hours and I'll give you everything you need to have an American feast."
Two Hours and Fifty-Five Minutes Later
"Okay. Even I'll say it this time. I am genuinely impressed," said Philippus, not at all used to being humbled.
"I want to berate you for saying those words out loud, sister. I really do. But even I can't bring myself to deny it," said Aleka, who shared her sister's shock.
The two imposing women stood among a group of cheering Amazons and a dirty yet triumphant Ron Swanson. They had just returned from their hunt and they brought back a haul that would impress any warrior.
Leading the way, a shirtless Ron dragged a large wild hog by the legs with his hunting bow draped across his chest. Several other Amazons followed close behind, carrying and dragging an impressive haul of dead animals, some of which still had arrows in them. Many of those arrows had been fired by Ron and they all hit their targets. In total, they brought back seven hogs, four wild buffalo, and six wild boars. They paraded this haul near the outskirts of the main settlement. Diana and Hippolyta, who had followed along, were still processing what they just witnessed.
They walked behind, watching as some of their sisters came out to greet their return. Word spread quickly about the new male emissary joining the Amazons on a hunt. It was always a bit of a spectacle when their sisters returned with a healthy haul of food, but the presence of a man gave it some added weight.
"I'm not quite ready to say it, but I'm getting dangerously close, Diana. This might actually have been a good idea, accepting a mortal male ambassador," said Hippolyta.
"Take all the time you need, mother. Even I'm shocked at how well this has gone," said Diana, still watching in disbelief as her sisters cheered Ron and the hunting party.
"He's a mortal man armed with mortal tools. Yet he was able to slay wild beasts. He never once showed an ounce of weakness. It's like he didn't even realize he was hunting with a group of warrior women," said Hippolyta, looking at Ron with more respect.
"I was there too, mother. I saw it with my own eyes. I'm still working on believing it."
"These beasts we hunt are fierce, bred from the stables of the gods and unleashed for hunters deemed worthy," the Amazon queen continued. "They are challenging enough for an immortal Amazon to take down, but for a mortal man to do so – it was truly a sight to behold!"
"I'm working on believing in that as well," said Diana, shaking her head in disbelief as the memory played out.
"Bravery, strength, and principle – if these are the traits of one who embodies great masculinity, then I think the Amazons can work with that."
"I worry that it might work too well," said Diana.
Hippolyta and Diana continued to follow Ron and the hunting party until they reached the processing barns. This was where the Amazons cleaned, skinned, and prepared their animals for consumption. They had already planned to have a ceremonial feast to welcome their guest. Now that feast would be a lot bigger.
Upon arriving, Ron proudly set the wild hog he killed down at the entrance to the barn. The rest of the Amazons from the hunting party did so as well. Some from the surrounding areas were already gathering around to admire the hunt. Others emerged from inside the barn, ready to begin processing the animals. Ron, standing triumphant amidst the scene, casually dusted his hands off and set aside his bow.
"That was a fruitful hunt, if I do say so," said Ron. "This, on top of fixing a wooden ship, has helped make this a very productive day. That's something I never thought I'd say while working on the government's time."
"I agree, Mr. Swanson," said Hippolyta upon meeting up with him. "Your hunting skills are quite adept. Artemis herself would be impressed."
"Your companions are quite skilled as well. I haven't seen women fight over a hunk of meat so ferociously since my honeymoon with my ex-wife. Thankfully, this wasn't nearly as messy."
"Well thanks to both our efforts, this hunt will make for a fine feast. I had intended to have a simple private banquet at the palace, but I think this warrants a more festive event."
"Agreed," said Ron, still standing over the hog he killed, "And in the spirit of the hunt, I'll help with the turning our prey into a platter fit for a queen and an American."
"You don't have to do that, Mr. Swanson," said Diana. "Our sisters have some skilled cooks who are well-versed in cooking wild beasts."
"If they can wield a bow and a knife with the same skill, I've no reason to doubt that," said Ron, "But I insist on helping. It's a Swanson family tradition. He who kills his own food gets the honor of cooking it."
"Well you've done plenty to impress me with your skills thus far, Mr. Swanson. I suppose it would be short-sighted of me if I didn't give you more opportunities," said Hippolyta.
"I appreciate that. Besides, with a hog this big, I imagine I could get a pretty healthy share of bacon in addition to the meat."
"Bacon? What's that?" asked Hippolyta.
Ron gasped upon hearing her ask such a question. Had he not just experienced the rush of killing his dinner, he would've trembled. He had been warned by Wonder Woman that the Amazons were not familiar with certain aspects of the outside world, but the idea that these women had been deprived of bacon for their entire existence was too tragic to contemplate.
With yet another daunting challenge before him, Ron turned around to face the Amazon queen with new resolve. His role as ambassador just became secondary. He now had a more important mission on hand.
"Ma'am – forgive me if I sound coarse, but did you just imply that every woman on this island has never tasted bacon?" he asked intently.
"Since I don't know what that is, I'm going to have to say yes," said Hippolyta, now both curious and concerned.
"Um…Mr. Swanson, are you okay?" asked Diana.
"No. I am not," he replied. "You've just revealed a fatal flaw in your relationship to the outside world – one I must correct, as both a man and an ambassador. Nobody – man or woman – should be denied the joys of bacon."
"Is it really that important?" questioned Hippolyta.
"Give me access to a smokehouse, a knife, and some firewood and I'll let you be the judge. When it comes to food like bacon, I'm confident the results will speak for themselves."
Later
"By the gods – this concoction is wonderful!"
"Truly a treat worthy of the gods!"
"Let it be known to every Amazon from this day forward – bacon is wonderful!"
These were just a few of the overwhelming reactions the Amazons had when they tasted the exotic delicacy that Ron Swanson called bacon. Shortly after he dragged the hog to a barn house, he went to work skinning and preparing the beast for consumption. He let nothing go to waste. Every piece of meat was carefully cut and prepared. However, he took special care for the parts that made bacon.
Working with a tenacity that Diana had only seen in Batman, Ron took every hog they had slain and made a large collection of bacon. He needed only a lark knife, some tools, and firewood. The rest was a testament to a man's ingenuity. The end result was a new delicacy that Amazons from all over the island were eager to try.
Diana was once again astonished. Standing outside the barn with her mother, she watched as her sisters lined up to taste this wondrous new creation. It went over so well that some actually began fighting each other for their share. Even those who had been most skeptical of a male ambassador had to admit this was an impressive contribution.
"Hmm…it's okay, I guess," said Aleka, hiding her reaction as she chewed on the savory bits of meat.
"In that case you won't mind if I eat the rest of your share?' said Philippus.
"Only if you wish to lose that hand, sister," the imposing Amazon retorted.
Once again, Ron Swanson found a way to make a good impression on the Amazons. Hippolyta couldn't be more pleased. She had her own plate of bacon that she was eagerly consuming in a way that Diana found less than regal. However, she didn't dare slow her down.
"By Elysium, this is delicious!" proclaimed Hippolyta. "Diana, why didn't you tell me mankind had created such an incredible treat?"
"If only I had known the value of junk food, it would've made so many things easier," said Diana, rolling her eyes.
"Well it certainly proves one thing. Mankind does indeed have something to offer. I can now say that comfortably," said the Amazon queen.
"That's all well and good, ma'am. But I think an equally important question is this – can you say it on a full stomach?" asked Ron, having just finished off the last batch. "In my experience, any declaration is more sincere when it's done after a hardy meal."
"Wise words, Mr. Swanson – worthy of Athena herself," said Hippolyta in agreement. "I did say there would be a feast. I just never expected it to be this productive. I shall retrieve the finest wine from our cellar!"
Ron smiled ever so slightly and laughed. He then set aside the now-empty plate of bacon and wiped his hands clean of fat and grease. After learning these women had been deprived of bacon for centuries, he figured they had been deprived of more. He found some unexpected common ground with these women. Perhaps he could find more.
"With all due respect man, there's a time and a place for quality wine. If the occasion is not a wedding, a funeral, or an act of ravenous lovemaking, then the time is less than appropriate."
"So then what would be appropriate by a man's standard?" said Hippolyta with folded arms, both skeptical and curious.
Ron's smile widened in a way Diana had already seen once before. She still didn't know what to expect from him, but she already sensed it would get a reaction from her mother and her sisters.
"Oh dear – you have that look on your face again," said Diana. "What are you planning now, Mr. Swanson?"
"What are you talking about, Diana?" asked Hippolyta.
"Ms. Wonder Woman, this is not a plan. You brought me here to make a good impression for mankind and I was told I could do it the Ron Swanson way. And so far, I'd say that way has worked."
"In a manner of speaking," said Diana under her breath.
"Tell me, do you still have that second bag I brought with me? The one I've yet to open?" he asked.
"Yes. Are you going to tell me what's in it or are you going to make me nervous about it?"
"As I've said before, I prefer to let the results speak for themselves. Anything more elaborate belongs in a ballet," said Ron.
Shaking her head and knowing she would not win an argument with this man, she signaled one of the royal guards who had been carrying the other bag. She obediently walked over and handed her the bag. It was about the same size as the first. As with the first, Diana hadn't checked inside. For all she knew it contained another weapon. Both she and Hippolyta watched with a mix of curiosity and anxiety as Ron unzipped it and reached inside to retrieve a single bottle containing an amber-colored liquid.
"You brought along your own alcohol for this mission? Why would you do that?" questioned Diana.
"For your information, I bring my own alcohol on every mission that involves traveling more than 100 feet from my house. In my experience, it's always a good idea to have a means of celebration or consolation. And so far, I think this situation would qualify as the former."
Diana remained confounded while Ron reached into his bag again and retrieved two glasses. He kept one and handed the other to Hippolyta. He then opened the bottle and poured the amber-colored liquid into it before pouring himself a similar share. As he swirled it around in his glass, Hippolyta held it up and looked at it closely.
"What is this strange-smelling substance?" asked the Amazon Queen.
"To some men, it is the nectar of the gods. To others, it is the fast lane to all the benefits and pitfalls of alcohol. To me, it's just Lagavulin 16 Single Malt Scotch," answered Ron. "Try it and see which applies to you."
"And it is customary for men to share in such a drink?"
"Not customary – more like necessity," he replied. "Most people I deal with are unbearable. Alcohol makes it manageable. Good alcohol makes it enjoyable. See for yourself."
Hippolyta was a little tepid at first while Ron eagerly downed his glass in one gulp. Diana scrutinized it as well, smelling the amber fluid. It had a very distinct and harsh aroma. She had never smelled anything like it before. She looked to her mother, who was not a heavy drinker.
"Mother, maybe you should…" Diana began.
"Hush Diana," said Hippolyta, putting her hand up to silence her daughter. "This man has partaken in our customs. The least we can do is partake in his."
Despite her daughter's reservations, the Amazon queen did exactly as Ron had done and gulped down the drink in one swift motion.
As soon as it entered her mouth, her expression shifted in a way Diana had never seen before. For a moment, Hippolyta shuddered in a way no Amazon had ever done outside the heat of battle. She also made this strange face. She didn't appear to be in pain. She didn't appear to be mortified either. Growing more concerned, Diana carefully hovered over her mother.
"Mother…are you okay?" asked Diana.
"Diana…" said the Amazon queen in a strange tone.
"I'll get a healer this instant. Just sit down and…"
But Hippolyta shook off her daughter's concern. In an instant, her expression shifted again and she held up the glass as though it were a war trophy.
"By the vineyard of Dionysus – this drink is marvelous!" Hippolyta proclaimed.
Her overly exuberant tone surprised the nearby Amazons and shocked Diana. Her mother just went from regal to jovial in the blink of an eye. She had never seen this sort of reaction from her mother. Then again, she had never interacted with a man like Ron Swanson before.
"Thank you for partaking," said Ron as he casually poured himself another glass. "I believe that the proper application of whiskey can create a fine foundation for diplomatic relations. Or it can just give us an excuse to drink more whiskey. Either way is fine by me."
"A fine foundation indeed, Mr. Swanson," said Hippolyta. "Please, I must have more of this wondrous drink you call whiskey. I must share its wonder with my sisters."
"Help yourself, ma'am," said Ron as he poured her another helping. "Unfortunately, I only brought one bottle. So unless you've got a stable of flying horses capable of flying to Scotland, this is all we have."
"You need flying horses? How many?" asked the Amazon queen eagerly. "I can have my stables ready in a heartbeat."
Ron stopped short of finishing his glass, something he rarely did when he had a bottle of scotch in hand. This sounded like the kind of remark that April or Tom would make. However, this woman sounded serious in a way that only a queen or a woman with a taste for whiskey could manage. Having seen his share of unexpected sights since landing on this island, Ron decided to work under the assumption that this woman was serious. He also formulated a plan that would further enhance the feast for tonight.
"So…you actually have flying horses at your disposal," said Ron with intrigue.
"You mean to say you've never heard of the Pegasus? One of ancient Greece's most famous mythical creatures?" said Diana.
"The only mythical creatures I care for are bald eagles and naturally fattened cows," said Ron. "I will, however, make an exception if you can show me these horses and help me surmise how much weight they can carry. For this feast tonight, I have a feeling we'll need more than a few extra bottles."
Later That Evening
"To mankind!" proclaimed a drunken Amazon as she raised a full glass of whiskey.
"To mankind!" repeated dozens of sisters, raising their glasses as well.
"And to scotch – mankind's greatest creation!" proclaimed the same Amazon.
"To whiskey!" they repeated.
"And to bacon…and to shipbuilding…and freshly cooked meat!" said another Amazon.
"Here here!" they all cheered.
There was a remarkably festive, albeit increasingly intoxicated, mood amongst the Amazons. An hour ago, a squad of Pegasus-drawn chariots returned with Ron Swanson and Diana. Riding these mythical creatures, they ventured to Scotland where they traded a bag of gold to a bunch of befuddled distillery workers for several large crates of Lagavulin 16 Single Malt Scotch Whiskey. Shortly after their return, they began cooking the meat from the hunt in preparation for the feast.
As with the hunt, Ron Swanson insisted on participating. While many other Amazons fed their new taste for mankind's wondrous creation of scotch, he went to work preparing the feast. Since he had earned so much credibility with Hippolyta at this point, she allowed it. Ron led the effort to skin, cut, and cook the large haul of meat they had secured. The end result was a feast the likes of which the Amazons had not enjoyed in centuries.
Hippolyta, the royal guard, and a select group of Amazons gathered in a special ballroom that was attached to the Temple of Hera. This was where the Amazons held all their feasts. It had a few rows of long tables, elaborate décor crafted Themyscira's best artisans, and a stage where a number of Amazons performed music and theatrics. Hippolyta originally intended this meal to be a dull, formal affair. That quickly changed once her sisters came to share her love of Scotch. It also changed as Ron and a few Amazon assistants began bringing in cut after cut of perfectly cooked meat. This was no longer a bland diplomatic affair. This was a celebration of a new era for the Amazons.
"You've done it again, Mr. Swanson!" said Hippolyta as she eagerly bit into a large slab of cooked pork. "I'm still not used to saying that about a mortal man, but I'll say it again. You are a man worthy of the Amazons' respect."
"It truly is remarkable, if I do say so myself," said Ron, who was sitting next to the Amazon Queen.
"It is, isn't it? In just one day, you've shown just how honorable mankind can be."
"What was that? Sorry, ma'am. I was talking about these ribs," said Ron.
"Ah, well those are just as remarkable," she laughed, having just finished a plate of her own.
One of the Amazon servers tasked with distributing the food walked by and took the empty plates before serving them another helping. The meat from the hunt was still flowing freely from the grill pits, another testament to Ron Swanson's handiwork.
"Here's that third helping you requested, my queen," said the Amazon. "Can I get you anything else? More ribs? Another steak? Anything at all before we preserve the rest of the hunt?"
"You've done plenty, ma'am," said Ron respectfully as he went to work on his next serving. "Just finish preparing the rest of the hog I killed. I'll cut out the parts I need for my lunch tomorrow and leave the rest those in need of a snack, please and thank you."
"It will be done, Ambassador Swanson," she replied.
"Yes. Ambassador Swanson…I like the sound of that," said Hippolyta.
"Not as much as I like the sound of simmering ribs," said Ron.
"I felt that part was implied."
The queen and her new ambassador eagerly went to work on their latest serving, eagerly digging into the succulent meat that had just come fresh from the grill pits. Hippolyta and her sisters were in high spirits. She sat at the head table with Ron next to her. Dozens of other Amazons dined in the surrounding tables, eating and drinking in the bounty that one remarkable mortal man helped prepare. Between the Scotch and the delicious meat, it was no longer possible to cling to their earlier distrust of outsiders.
"Such mastery of flesh and drink – with a meal like this, I feel like I can slay a titan!" proclaimed one Amazon who was working on her third helping of beef.
"Sorry sister, I wasn't listening. I was too busy enjoying a steak fit for Hera herself," said the Amazon sitting next to her.
The two women laughed and tapped their glasses joyfully before gulping down more Scotch. Others like them offered similar praise of the fruits of Ron Swanson's labor. Those who had savored their fill of meat and whiskey began dancing in the center of the ballroom to the music. Their laughter and cheers were a testament to the success they had achieved on this day.
In light of this success, nobody was more surprised and relieved than Diana. Sitting on the other side of her mother, she was the only one not overly engrossed with the feast and drink that now flowed so freely. This day began with dread and uncertainty. Her mother had fought her at every turn, clinging to Themyscira's outdated traditions of isolation. She didn't think any mortal man from man's world would be capable of swaying her attitudes. Ron Swanson had proven her otherwise.
"If you're done conversing with your food, I feel a more personal toast is in order," said Diana. "I know I pestered you about this, mother. And I admit I had my doubts – serious doubts."
"No need to berate me, Diana. I'll gladly say it. You were right. Themyscira needs this. Our sisters need this. I need this – this and more whiskey. Wine has its place, but whiskey now has priority," said Hippolyta, smiling triumphantly as she finished another glass of her new favorite drink.
"I actually wasn't going to belabor the issue," said Diana with a humored grin.
"But you were thinking about it."
"I'm being serious here."
"I'm your mother. I know when you're tempted. Let's save ourselves the trouble of fighting about and move forward."
"That has to be the whiskey talking," said Diana, rolling her eyes.
"Can it be both?" said the Amazon queen with a grin.
Diana just shook her head and laughed. She couldn't remember the last time her mother was this relaxed and upbeat. She finally let herself just be a woman instead of a queen and a mother. It was a strange yet refreshing feeling, one befitting of the day's events.
"Very well," Diana sighed. "Then I'll skip the rest of what I was going to say and just thank you for giving this a chance."
"Don't just thank me. Thanks this remarkable man for showing Amazons that mankind has plenty to offer," said Hippolyta, gesturing over towards Ron. "I look forward to our future exchanges."
"If those exchanges involve more ships and feasts, then I share that sentiment," said Ron after finishing his latest helping of ribs.
"And hopefully, this means better relations between Themyscira and the international community," added Diana.
"I could care less about aiding any government entity," said Ron, "But when it comes to aiding those who share my interests in ships and whiskey, I'll gladly care as much as I need to."
Diana smiled and laughed again. Having dealt with her share of remarkable men, Ron Swanson stood out in a way few others did. He was so mortal in both stature and demeanor, but he carried himself with an honor that any Amazon or god would respect. Him being Themyscira's ambassador still presented many challenges for man and Amazon alike, but Diana had faith that this man could handle the job as only he could.
With the feast and festivities still going strong, Ron casually set aside his empty plate and finished the last of his whiskey. He briefly glanced over towards the stage where a group of Amazons were playing music while others nearby danced. In seeing this, he saw another opportunity. Having had many today that he didn't expect, he saw no reason to stop.
"And in that same spirit of caring – something I'm usually not fond of – I have one more contribution to make to this feast," said Ron.
"That's really not necessary, Mr. Swanson. You've already done so much today," said Diana.
"I want to agree, but I'm not sure I care for what's necessary at this point," said Hippolyta with an intrigued grin. "What did you have in mind?"
"Something I trust won't leave the shores of this island, as you ladies have proven yourself to be more honorable than most," said Ron. "I wasn't planning to do this for any occasion that didn't involve the deaths of my ex-wives, but I'm willing to make an exceedingly rare exception."
"What do you need us to do?" asked Diana.
"This time – nothing," Ron answered. "Just inform the ladies on stage that a special guest is about to join them."
Diana and Hippolyta exchanged curious glances. Ron offered no further hints as he got up from his seat and retrieved one of his bags, which had been placed near the wall behind where he had been sitting. He then reached inside and took out the second most potent weapon he had in his arsenal that wasn't a hunting bow or a gun. It included a hat, a pair of sunglasses, and a saxophone case. After putting on the hat and sunglasses, he opened up the case to take out the saxophone. He then made his way towards the stage. Ron Swanson had done enough for today. The rest would be finished by Duke Silver.
Now immersed in this new persona, he navigated through the feasting and dancing towards the stage. Before he reached it, Hippolyta signaled the performers to stop for a moment. They were understandably confused at first, as were the Amazons who had been dancing on the floor. A brief break in the festivities followed as Duke Silver made his way onto the stage. He briefly said a few things to the performers, instructing them on the music he would need them to play. Some checked with Hippolyta, who nodded to affirm that this was okay.
Once the ladies had their instructions, they prepared their instruments. Then, Duke Silver walked onto the center of the stage and addressed the crowd of curious Amazons.
"Good evening, ladies and Amazons. My name is Duke Silver and it's an absolute pleasure to be here on Paradise Island," he said in a low, manly tone. "With the blessing of your wonderful queen, I'm here to share some of that pleasure with you tonight. Together, we can all be warriors for peace. And now, listen as I wield my most potent weapon – my jazz."
With a simple hand signal to the Amazon performers behind them, a new beat played to a very different rhythm. Then, the man who called himself Duke Silver gripped his saxophone and added to this rhythm with an onslaught of smooth, jazzy tones that reverberated throughout the ballroom.
It was music unlike anything they had ever heard. It started out soft and smooth, but picked up energy. At first, some of the Amazons weren't sure what to make of it. But within moments, they found themselves dancing to it again. It offered a whole new kind of experience, which they quickly embraced.
"That music – it's incredible!" said one Amazon.
"It's like the voice of Apollo in the form of a tone!" said another, who was already dancing.
"It's making my loins feel hotter. Is that normal?" said another.
The dancing and festivities resumed with even greater spirit than before. Some Amazons even began cheering, praising this mortal man for what he had given them. Diana and Hippolyta could only watch on in amazement. It was truly a marvelous sight, a man inspiring such admiration and joy in Amazons.
It was truly momentous. After centuries of isolation, Themyscira had a male emissary from man's world. They had clung to their traditions for centuries. It took an extraordinary man to convince them to embrace a new tradition and Ron Swanson had proven himself to be such a man.
Diana was convinced. Queen Hippolyta was convinced. Pretty much every Amazon who heard his uncanny musical talents was convinced as well. But for Aleka and Philippus, who had been among the most vocal opponents of this endeavor, it was still a hard idea to accept. They found themselves remaining silent after seeing this man impress their sisters in so many ways. Now standing together in the back of the room, each holding a bottle of whiskey, they let everything they experienced today sink in.
"He's a talented man…for a mortal," commented Aleka after taking a gulp of whisky.
"That he is," said Philippus, doing the same.
"He can hunt with the skill of a top predator, craft beautiful ships with his bare hands, and cook meat in the most succulent way possible."
"And he can also apparently play music worthy of a siren's voice as well," added Philippus.
"That too," said Aleka. "Yet he's so unremarkable. He's not very big. He's not immensely strong. He has no truly distinguishing features."
"Except for that mustache," said Philippus.
"Yes. That mustache," said Aleka distantly before taking another drink of whiskey. "He's also crude in his words. He says what he means and nothing more. He understands himself and others in ways that are simple yet profound. And he has the audacity to treat women in a way that makes them feel like…women."
"I know."
A brief silence followed. Then the two imposing Amazons looked at one another with a mix of drunkenness and predatory intent.
"So why do I have the inexplicable urge to mate vigorously with Ron Swanson and bear his children?" asked Aleka.
"I don't know, but I swear on the head of Medusa I'll slay you where you stand if you get in my way!" shouted Philippus. "If anyone is going to bear that man's child, it'll be me!"
"Are you threatening me? Or are you offering to help warm my loins?"
"No threats! I'll slay you with this bottle if I have to!"
"Ha! I'd like to see you try, sister…after this song, of course."
The End