High Tide

Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy names, characters and locations belong to Square Enix. I own nothing that you recognize.

Written for the Make 'Em Laugh contest on Caesar's Palace

A/N: This story is dedicated to Lamia of the Dark, who gave me the ideas and inspiration needed to write this. It is also pure crack nonsense, so just sit back and enjoy the ride.

The heavy rains that had fallen over Vector for the past week had finally come to an end. And not a moment too soon. Kefka Palazzo was on the verge of losing what little sanity he had left after being cooped up in the palace for the last several days. He had to get outside, breathe the fresh air, enjoy the warm sun and oh yes, kill someone by setting them on fire. And you can't burn someone to death when it's raining.

Terra flung the window open and stuck her head outside. She breathed deeply, relishing the fresh scent that filled the air. Everything was so crisp and clean, with a small scattering of thin white clouds drifting across the bright blue ske, then looked down and spied Leo on the street below.

"Good morning, Leo!" she called out, waving to him. "Beautiful day, isn't it?"

Leo nodded and smiled. "Yes, it is. It's so nice that I've decided to go to the beach for some rest and relaxation."

Terra cocked her head to the side, giving him a curious look. 'Why do you need time to rest and relax?"

A shrill scream rent the air, followed by Kefka spouting obscenities and death threats.

"That's why," Leo deadpanned.

"I see." Terra paused, listening as the magician continued cursing everything in existence. "Can I come with you?"

"Of course you can," said Leo.

But escaping from Kefka wasn't easy, and when he saw Terra trying to sneak out the back door of the palace, he insisted on coming with her to make sure nothing happened to her. He didn't like it when his precious doll wandered off all by herself. What if some crazed psychopath kidnapped and enslaved her? We can't have that happening, now can we? No, of course not. Best send Kefka along to make sure she's alright and that nothing happens to her.

.oOo.

They arrived at the beach at half past ten in the morning, and it didn't take long for Kefka to get bored and start making mischief. He refused to sit next to Leo, and moved down near the shoreline where could fling bolts of lightning at passing sea creatures.

He snickered and giggled, watching as a stingray swam past. There was a brilliant flash, followed by laughter as Kefka zapped the unfortunate animal right out of the water. He hauled the unconscious creature onto the sand, still laughing as he flung it into the air where it landed on Leo's head.

It took a minute for General Leo to notice that he was wearing a stingray on his head. He had been smoking copious amounts of dried seaweed that he found on the beach, and was too high to notice the sea creature that was dripping water in his face.

Kefka laughed harder when he saw Leo look up, the stingray's barbed tail swishing from side to side as it twitched and started to regain consciousness.

'You idiot!' The mage laughed, doubling over and holding his stomach as Leo continued to stare at the stingray. He then conjured a ball of fire and shot the stingray off Leo's head.

Terra screamed when she saw the burnt stingray flopping about on the sand. "Kefka! How could you? Stingrays are cute. You unroast him right now!"

When the mage did nothing but stand there and laugh, Terra cast Cure on the stingray, healing its burns and restoring its senses. She then sat down in the sand and cuddled the stingray, hugging and petting it as it wriggled in her arms.

While Kefka was laughing and Terra was cuddling her new pet, Leo looked over at Kefka and noticed how beautiful his feathers were. The colorful plumage he wore in his ponytail stood out in vibrant shades that seemed to sparkle in the midday sun.

"Far out, dude," said Leo. "Look at all the pretty colors." He got to his feet, stumbled, and nearly fell face first in the sand.

Kefka gave him a look of disgust as the General stumbled and staggered across the beach. "What the hell are you staring at?" he snapped.

"Pretty chocobo," Leo murmured, giggling as he stroked the feathers in Kefka's hair. "I think I'll name you Rainbow Cinnamon Gumdrop."

Terra looked up when she heard Kefka scream, and saw him blast the unfortunate General with a bolt of lightning. Leo went flying almost twenty feet through the air, landing in a tidal pool several feet away.

It took him a minute to crawl out of the tidal pool and onto the beach, a layer of sand clinging to his clothes as he literally dragged himself across the beach, still giggling and laughing like an idiot. A crab sauntered up to him and latched onto the seat of his pants just as he was standing up, and there was seaweed dangling from his left ear. He looked back at Kefka just as the mage began conjuring a dark sphere filled with hundreds of glittering specks of light.

Kefka hurled the shimmering ball of energy at him, and within seconds the stoned General vanished into thin air.

"Kefka, what did you do to him?" asked Terra. Her pet stingray gave the crazed magician a confused look, then proceeded to spit sea water onto the sand just because he felt like it.

"I banished him to another realm," said Kefka, a smug grin on his painted face as he crossed his arms over his chest. "And I can guarantee you he won't like where he is going."

.oOo.

Meanwhile, somewhere smack dab in the middle of Midgar City, a drunk Sephiroth went stumbling down the steps of the Shinra Electric Power Company. He collapsed on the steps of the building, a half empty bottle of booze in his left hand. Some of the liquid had spilled down the front of his shirt, staining the dark material with blotches of red wine. He looked up when heard a scream coming from somewhere far above the clouds, and all of a sudden a young man covered in a thick coat of sand fell from the sky.

The one winged angel blinked and looked at him in surprise.

"Mommy, is that you?"

Before Leo knew what was happening, Sephiroth had all but crushed him in an overpowering bear hug.

"Mommy!" Sephiroth cried. "I'm so glad you finally came home! Come, let me introduce you to my boyfriend, Cloud. He's so cute, mom. I just know you're going to love him."