A/N: This is my first Angel fanfic.
Read, review, and enjoy!
I'm a liar. Do you want to know why? It's simple, actually. Because I'm human. Well, sort of.
The Hell I grew up in was nothing compared to this corrupt, disgusting world. Demons never hid from view; I destroyed them easily. Here, they thrive in even an innocent human heart. I've been trampled on, manipulated, and lied to. Always lied to.
I'll tell you a secret. The closest to heaven I've ever been was in Quor-Toth. Yeah, I know. You'd think Cordelia's embrace would've provided a true comfort. But I never found what I had in Quor-Toth. I forced myself to love her because I thought she and I had potential. She claimed we were special, but I never believed her. I had something special once, long before I met Cordy. My feelings for Cordy only existed because I hoped I could recover love. I once felt it, and figured if I tried hard enough, I'd feel it again. But I learned it doesn't work like that.
I'm not lying now. I don't blame you if you doubt me, though. We're all untrustworthy, after all. I led everyone to believe I suffered in Quor-Toth. I couldn't explain my true reasoning, even if I tried. It was a Hell dimension; no one should feel content. But I was. For a little while, at least. I guess the easiest way to sum up my reasoning is they wouldn't understand. Even Holtz, who raised me, remained blind to the pleasure Hell brought me. Well, it wasn't necessarily Quor-Toth that brought it.
It was her.
The love she provided, which I desperately searched for on Earth. I lost her in Quor-Toth; she died because of me. She trusted me, and a demon tore out her ribs. I watched as the only pure being in my life suffered and faded. Her blood drenched my clothes. After I lost her, I had nothing. I couldn't bear the baron wasteland without her, so I came to Earth. I figured finding my birth father would distract me. And it did, for a little while.
Holtz never knew about her. I managed to protect her from him. Yeah, even when I was young I know what he did to me; how he manipulated me. I hate to admit it, but I believed the lies he told me about my father. But I knew he corrupted me. And I let him. What other choice did I have? He was my only family. Holtz and her.
But I couldn't let him touch her. She was the epitome of purity. She had these large, brown eyes-she used to watch me for hours at a time. We rarely spoke to one another. She believed language was unnecessary. She taught me different ways to express myself, ways which I couldn't even begin to describe.
I knew all her desires from a single touch.
Her happiness derived from my own. Isn't that what pure, uncorrupted, unadulterated love is? The fairy tale every human wishes for, but never actually attempts to gain. Angel thinks I'm selfish and naive; everyone judges me. Even Jasmine. But I just wanted to feel that love she gave me again. I never have.
So how am I a liar? How am I corrupt? Because I used everyone's ignorance to search for what I wanted. I'll admit I can never be as pure and beautiful as she was. Holtz made sure of that. I'll never find another lover like her; I know this now. But, we'll meet again.
Until then, I'll just dream of her.