Martha stood outside the door. Her bare feet were cold against the hard wood floors and she shifted her weight nervously. The house was silent and dark. Everyone was probably asleep by now. They were relived to be back home in their old beds and in their old world. Perhaps, when they dreamt tonight they could forget everything that happened this past year. Perhaps, after some time everything that happened would be like a dream, distant and forgotten.
She raised her hand to knock on the door. She didn't have the nerve. She tried again. This time she justified her hesitance by a concern for waking him. Perhaps, she should just go back to her own bed. But, her room was so dark and looming with threatening shadows creeping out of the corners that the idea of going back there was not appealing. Finally, she took a deep breath and lightly knocked on the door. She was surprised that he'd heard it but not that he'd answered right away, telling her to come in.
The doctor sat on the bed looking out of the window, still in his suit, with his hands in his pockets and his legs crossed at the ankles. His hair was sticking up in all directions—more than usual. The clothes Martha's mother left for him to sleep in were still folded on the chair in the corner of the room. Martha could tell that he'd made no attempts to go to sleep.
"Sorry." Martha said stepping into the room. She closed the door behind her but stood with her back against it. It wasn't possible for her to be any farther away from him and still be in the same room.
"You're still awake." She said without surprise.
"So are you." The doctor replied.
She could see his expression and raised brow in the moonlight.
"I couldn't sleep." She admitted.
"I know." He finally turned his head to look at her. "Neither could I."
"Thing is, I don't think I can go to sleep. I just…"
"Come on." He said softly. A gentle smile crept to his face as he turned the sheet down for her.
"It's not that I'm afraid or anything." She said defensively, her body going a bit rigid against the door. "I know I should be accustomed to this by now, being alone. I mean, I know it's over now and everything's gone back to normal. But, I was just sitting there in my bed you know, by myself. And I felt so lonely. I mean the house is packed with people so I shouldn't feel that way, should I? It's strange, even when we were having dinner, I felt so removed from everyone." Her voice became softer. "I just spent so much time alone, Doctor. All those months. Every night. Every day. I was always alone. For an entire year. They can't understand that. I mean, mum and dad and Tish went through hell with the Master. And you and Jack and I'm not discounting that. But, in a way they had each other. And, I'm glad of that. It was just so hard sometimes, always being by myself."
"I'm so sorry Martha." The Doctor said softly. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If there had been any other way-"
"I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm not. That's not what this is about." Martha assured him quickly. "I just—I didn't want to spend another night alone. I just thought you'd understand. Do you understand? You do understand, don't you?"
The Doctor understood. Nodding his head, he swallowed away the lump in his throat. He understood very well. He was over nine hundred years old. He had been traveling by himself for longer than he cared to remember. He knew exactly what it was like to always be alone. Even worse, he knew what it was like to be alone when you were surrounded by other people.
"Come, go to sleep."
Martha stood chewing on her lip nervously at first as though she were trying to make the decision. Finally, she sighed, crossing the room. She hesitated for a bit before removing her robe, but she knew she would've been too hot if she'd kept it on. Trying unsuccessfully not to look at the Doctor, she saw his body stiffen as his eyes traveled across her body in apparent horror. He swallowed hard and looking uncomfortable made a slight adjustment moving farther away from her. His gaze returned to the window. Martha sighed, knowing he must think this was all a ruse as she got into bed with him. Gently getting into bed with him she immediately turned away. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't look at that unreadable expression in his eyes. He looked terrified. I mean really, did he think that she was that pathetic? Did he think that she was that desperate that she would create a pretense just to be close to him? That's not what she was doing, was it? But, she did want to be close to him. It was comforting. She tried to close her eyes and think of nothing but sleep but that look in his eyes was burned in her consciousness. He looked like he wanted to change his mind and tell her to buck up and sleep in her own bed, or something.
The Doctor sat staring down at Martha. Her back was to him and she had made no attempts to speak or acknowledge his presence since she got into bed. There were inches between them like miles, and he could feel the fortress she had created around her. Well, that was good. It was probably for the best. After all, it was hard enough being in bed with her. He didn't need her talking in that voice or looking at him with those eyes of hers to make it even harder. When she'd taken off her robe he'd felt his body stiffen in response. He held back the noise that nearly escaped his throat at the sight of her.
Martha didn't get a chance to go back to her apartment. The entire family just went to her parents' house. It was their first day without the Master and everyone seemed to want to stay together. Jack had stayed as late as he could and had dinner with them. He was eager to get back to Cardiff and his Torchwood team. They didn't really talk about what happened. But, when Martha halfheartedly suggested that she get back to her flat the protests were unanimous. The Doctor was still there because he couldn't finish fixing the TARDIS in one night. The poor old girl. She'd had so much damage done to her. Removing the Paradox components was like removing cancerous cells. He could've probably worked harder, as there was hardly anything left to do. And, she was probably tired after all that work. His old faithful ship needed some rest. So did he, though he doubted he would get any. Francine had insisted that he stayed as well, and Martha had seconded that offer. Actually, everyone had seconded the offer. It felt nice. It was reminiscent of having a family again. And he and Martha's dad and Leo got on really well. And Martha's dad actually seemed to understand half of the things he said, well nearly half. He was so accustomed to being with women that it was refreshing to talk to blokes. He really didn't have any male acquaintances but Jack—and he didn't always count—or Mickey the former idiot. Then there was Martha. He'd made decision so many times to stay away from her and now it seemed like he couldn't escape her. Fate was tempting him at every turn. So, when Martha removed her robe revealing her body, his internal battle commenced once more. It was obvious that her clothes were from a few years ago, perhaps when she was a teenager. The small t-shirt was just a little too tight and the shorts just a little too short for his comfort. He could easily see inches of her stomach and the shorts just showed off too much of her toned mocha colored legs. He had to look away. Even as he looked at Martha's sleeping form his mind and body seemed to be in constant conflict.
"Doctor…Doctor I'm sorry…I can't…I can't do it…mum…dad…Tish…Leo…I can't do it…I'm sorry…I can't help you…I can't help anyone…I can't…Doctor…Doctor-"
"Martha! Martha, wake up. Wake up!" The Doctor demanded, shaking her.
Martha awoke in the Doctor's arms. She was gasping for breath and clutching the sleeves of his jacket. Her eyes were open for a few seconds before her mind could quite register where she was.
"It's all right Martha. I'm here." He said soothingly, drawing her to his chest and rocking her back and forth. "Don't worry. I'm here. You're safe now."
"Oh, Doctor." She sighed, burying her face closer to him. But, the visions were still playing in her head, taunting her. "It was horrible." She whispered, still in his arms.
"It was just a dream." He said softly.
"No, it wasn't. It wasn't just a dream." Martha answered pulling away from him. She sat with her arms clutching her body tight; her knees were drawn up to her chest. The covers feel around her feet revealing her bare legs but she was too hot to care. Unable to look the Doctor in the eyes she contented herself by looking at the bedspread playing with the patterns at her feet. "There was a boy." She began softly. "In Japan. There was a little boy. He couldn't be any more than five years old. He'd just seen his parents killed. He was just standing there, staring up at me with these large pitiful eyes. And, I couldn't do anything. I ran away."
"Martha there was nothing you could do."
"I know that. I know. I've said that to myself every day since. I know I couldn't take him with me. I couldn't take care of him if I did. I was always running. There were many days that I didn't eat. And, the Master was always just one step behind me. He was always right there. Everyone I came in contact with got tortured or killed, sometimes right in front of me. And I know that's all changed now. I mean, I know you said that it would be all right—that everything would revert back and none of it would've ever happened."
"But, it didn't happen. You can't blame yourself Martha." The Doctor tried reassuring her. "He is fine. The little boy is fine. And that is because of your bravery. None of those horrible things ever happened to him-"
"But, it happened to me!" Martha said finally breaking down, tears streaming down her face. "It still happened to me. I still left him. A little boy." Her voice cracked and she choked on her words. "I just left him there staring back at me. It wasn't bravery. It was cowardice. I was scared. I was terrified. Everyone around me was dying. Japan was burning right before my eyes and I knew that I had to keep going. I knew the Master had to be stopped. He burned the entire island of millions of people just to get to me and that was terrifying. I was just so scared." Martha couldn't continue speaking. She struggled to draw breath, choking on her tears.
The Doctor, once again pulled her trembling body into his arms. "Oh, Martha. My Martha. I'm so sorry." He cooed, stroking her hair. He loved the soft feel of her hair. "I'm so sorry for everything. You are the bravest person I know. I'm so sorry you had to go through everything this past year. But it is over now. You're safe. I promise." He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
"I know." She whispered. She did feel safe now, wrapped in the doctor's arms getting that heady feeling from his scent. If ever there was ever a question about him being alien his scent more than anything had proved it to her. It was different than any man or cologne on Earth. He smelled almost sweet, like honey or cinnamon and spicy like pepper and there was a hint of green. She couldn't find any way to describe it but when she smelled it she always thought of the color green. With cinnamon and spices and green around her, how could she still be upset? She sat up slowly, her head now dizzy from the Doctor and not her memories.
"I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to get so upset." She apologized. Embarrassed, she dropped her knees so her legs made a triangle, pointing at him.
"Oh, Martha." The Doctor looked down at her. Her eyes, wet with tears, were shining out like the obsidian seas of the Shonaebun peninsular and with the same depth. "My Martha." He sighed, as he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb to wipe away her tears. He wished he could always wipe away her tears. Rather, he never wanted to see her cry again. It was agony. It pushed at the emotions that were threatening to burst within him and before he could control it he leaned forward and brought his lips to hers.
Martha's eyes went wide, stunned by the Doctor's unexpected action. This was not a DNA transfer. This was a kiss. She expected him to pull away and he soon did. His hand still cradled her face and he looked at her expectantly. Martha didn't know what to say, or do. She unconsciously licked her lips, savoring the taste. Like his body, it was spicy and sweet but intensified by the cold, wetness of his mouth. The Doctor quickly leaned forward again and pulled her into another kiss. This time it was more urgent, more demanding.
He didn't mean to kiss her. He really didn't. Well, he hadn't planned to in any case. But, the look on her sad face and the endless depth of her eyes made him slip. The taste of her mouth wasn't bad either and even though he knew he should've regretted it, he didn't. But, still it was just one kiss. He had one kiss with her before. It meant nothing, remember. One kiss wasn't going to change anything. Then, she licked her lips. And the flash of her pink tongue pushed him over the precipice he was trying so desperately to balance on. He swiftly leaned forward again but this time he meant it. He had no choice. He couldn't bring himself to fight it anymore. He'd missed her. He'd missed her so much. He'd missed her voice, and her laugh, and her arms around him and her body that smelled like Vanilla and well Martha. He'd missed that too. It had been a whole year since he'd had any of that. And now she was here in his room with him…alone. How could he deny himself now? How could he control himself? How could he with Martha in his bed? How could he with Martha in his arms and her lips so blissfully responding to his? Her hand was in his hair. He pulled her body closer to him and shifted so they were lying down.
Martha lay back with the Doctor above her, kissing fervently. His hand trailed along the outside of her body, up and down her leg, caressing her stomach until it slipped under her shirt. She gasped at the feeling of his hands against her skin. Her body trembled as his hands explored her. It felt numb, or as if it were on fire. She couldn't tell which. She had never felt this way before. Her body had never reacted this way to a man. Still, she supposed the Doctor wasn't exactly a man. Well, he wasn't a hu-man in any case. Was that it? Was that why it was so different? After all, she'd had boyfriends before. She'd been in love before, she thought. It couldn't be just because of how she felt about him, could it? Everyone says the stronger the emotion the better the physical connection but this was ridiculous. They hadn't even gotten to that part yet and already her body felt like it was about to explode. Martha deftly unbuttoned his jacket and shirt and he paused his explorations only long enough to remove them. He quickly kicked off his trainers as he returned to her. The Doctor continued his explorations, his hands leaving a trail of fire in its wake. Every cell of her body felt alive. She could literally feel the charge between them and his tongue danced with hers. Everything seemed to be slipping away from her consciousness except for the feeling of the Doctor's hand on the inside of her thigh. Somewhere in there he removed her clothes and slipped under the covers to join her. Martha soon gasped again, clutching him tightly. She pulled him closer to her as he settled in between her thighs. Her hands glided up his arms and she could feel the hard, taut muscles under his smooth skin. The density of his muscles showed why his strength belied his size.
The Doctor looked down at her face. Her face glowed in the moonlight and the dark orbs that held her soul were burning into him. Her supple, full lips were parted as she made soft, inarticulate sounds of pleasure. He leaned down to her again, unable to keep his lips from hers. His kissed moved down to her neck. His body became more insistent, driving deeper into her. He closed his eyes, whispering in her ear in his own language. He knew she wouldn't understand him but tonight was so perfect that he wanted to be himself. It was probably better if she didn't understand everything he said. He wasn't sure he was ready to tell her yet.
As the Doctor began to speak Martha's eyes snapped shut, a small sound escaping from the back of her throat. She couldn't see anything but darkness. It wasn't the darkness of the backs of her eyelids it was the darkness of nothingness, of space. Suddenly, she felt like she was flying. It was like the feeling of the TARDIS whipping through the universe. There was only the sound of the Doctor's voice in her ear and the powerful feeling of him moving inside her. Slowly, the darkness began to fade and she was traveling though a solar system she had never seen, past planets that no longer existed, in a galaxy humans had not yet discovered. She stood on the surface of one planet, instantly knowing where she was. The sun began to rise and she looked up in the distance to see it. It was more beautiful than she had imagined. The leaves of the trees were like mirrors, but thin like slips of paper. It looked so fragile. As the sun rose over the mountains they caught the light, reflecting it in a million directions. And then the entire planet went up in flames.
"Oh, Rassilon!" Martha cried, arching her back as her muscles tightened. She wrapped her legs tighter around his waist. Her entire body felt like it was on fire now, like the flames she could still see behind her eyes. "Doctor." She opened her eyes, which instantly locked with his.
The Doctor's hand was gripping her thigh as though he were going to rip it off. His breathing was labored and came out in deep groan and murmurs of a language she wasn't supposed to understand. His eyes shone out like bright amber and his body trembled. "M-Martha." He stuttered out.
Martha let out a whimper and clutching each other tightly, they shuddered before collapsing in each other's arms.
"Oh my God. That was…" Martha gasped trying to find an adjective to do it justice.
"Yeah." The Doctor responded, just as breathless.
Martha's head lay on the Doctor's chest listening to the syncopated, rhythm of both hearts beating. His chest heaved as he tried to draw breath and she wasn't sure she'd ever have enough energy to move. They said nothing. They just lay there in each other's arms in a contented silence. It didn't take long for her to drift off to sleep.
The Doctor just looked down at her sleeping face still amazed by what had just happened. He couldn't think about that right now. He couldn't really seem to be able to think of anything. He had given up on the idea of sleep a few hours ago but after wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer, it only took a few minutes before he fell asleep as well.
Rassilon! The Doctor's eyes snapped open. Rassilon? Did she say that? Did she really say that? No. She couldn't have. That was impossible. But, he knew he'd heard it. He couldn't remember ever mentioning that name to her. No. He was positive he hadn't. Then how could she have said that? It wasn't possible. It wasn't possible that she could know that. Was it? He looked back at her peaceful sleeping face. There were no nightmares behind those eyes now. He tenderly stroked her hair from her face. He had to admit, this was the first night he'd actually slept well. It was the first night that he wasn't tormented by his own dreams. Still, how could she have possibly known that name?
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Martha awoke the next morning… alone. She looked around the room, squinting her eyes in the light of the sun. The Doctor was gone. Was it all a dream? Sitting up in bed she felt the draft as the covers fell away. Not a dream then. Then where was he? She dropped her head in her hands at the realization that he'd run away. Did he regret it so much that he didn't even want to see her? What would their relationship be like now? If she ever saw him again. Damn. It was a stupid idea to come here last night. She hastily put on her clothes and her robe. She listened at the door to hear if anyone was in the hall. No noise. Gently opening the door, she stuck her head out. Good. No one was out here. She stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind her.
"Martha!"
Martha jumped and let out a little squeal of surprise. "Be quiet Tish." She hissed. "Do you want to wake everyone?"
"Everyone is already awake actually." Tish snapped in response. She looked Martha up and down and then with a questioning look, glanced down the hall. "Where are you coming from? I was just looking for you. Why weren't you in your room?" She asked with a confused expression on her face.
"I-I had to pop to the loo?" Martha stammered.
"All the way down the hall?" Tish asked a skeptical look now on her face. She knew her sister. She always stammered when she lied. "Why didn't you just use ours?"
"B-Because. I-I didn't want to wake you. What is this Quizmania? What's with all the questions?" Martha finished, unable to hide her irritation. She and Tish have always had a funny relationship. They were either best friends or snapping at each other.
"Sorry." Tish said, sounding just as annoyed. "I just-" For the first time Tish's focus widened and she realized where they were standing. She looked up at the door to the guestroom, then to her sister, then to the door and then to Martha again. Her sister's clothes looked haphazardly put on and her shirt was worn on the wrong side, and her hair was in complete disarray. It was bed head in the worst way. She looked like she'd just …Tish's jaw dropped and her expression changed again, to one of incredulity. "Oh. My. God. You're kidding me?"
"Tish!!" She hissed again at her sister's rise in volume.
"Oh, my God! You and the Doctor? Really? Finally? What was it like?" She asked lowering her voice in an exaggerated whisper.
"Seriously Tish."
"Seriously Martha. I mean it. What was it like? I mean was it completely alien?" Now that she'd figured it out, her annoyance had replaced by curiosity.
"You have no idea." Martha said distantly.
"But, I will." Tish said grabbing her sister's hand and dragging her back to her room. "You have to tell me absolutely everything."
"There's nothing to tell." Martha tried.
Tish would not be appeased. "Look, you guys spent all that time in his little box thing and nothing happened and then you totally shagged last night. There is something to tell. What happened? What changed?" Tish asked folding her arms across her chest to show her seriousness.
"Nothing." Martha said softly remembering how she felt when she woke up alone. Oh, last night was such a mistake. How stupid could she be? What changed? What ever changes with the Doctor? He ran away again. He always runs away. The pungent, sweet smell of the Doctor was still on her. She could smell him as clearly as she did last night. All she could think about was taking a shower and replacing the scent with something else. Anything else. She knew she'd be washing away the only tangible reminder of what happened the night before. "Look Tish, I can't talk about this right now. I've got to get dressed. I'll talk to you later." She said offhandedly.
"No, you won't." Tish argued. "As soon as you're dressed you'll just pop off with the Doctor again."
"What?" Martha turned back to face her. "He's still here?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't he be?" Tish's voice became softer as she saw the half broken, half hopeful expression on her sister's face. "Oh. You thought he left." Her voice was full of understanding. "I mean but you know Martha. He wouldn't just leave, would he?"
"I don't know. I don't know what to think when it comes to him." Martha said walking back to her room.
It was bad enough just thinking about him leaving her, now she had to go downstairs and see him. Isn't that what she wanted though? Shouldn't she be happy that he was still here? Maybe that meant something. Still, after everything and all their time together she couldn't bring herself to be optimistic. Every time she thought he was beginning to feel about her the way she felt about him, he pulled away from her. Why should this time be any different? He was pulling away again. Last night wasn't about love—at least not for him. It was about lust. No, admittedly it was more than that. She could see that in his intense chocolate eyes. There was gratitude in his look, and admiration and something else that she hadn't quite figured out. It was a quick flash of some sort of realization that made him start but it was gone too quickly for her to decipher it. And the next thing she knew his lips were against hers and there was nothing else she could think about. But, it wasn't love. She was sure of it. She was a doctor, or soon would be—if she ever passed her exams. She did psychology. She knew what this was. It was like post-traumatic stress or something. It happened all the time when people went through dreadful experiences. It was why there are so many babies born after the end of wars and other disasters. The survivors clung to the person closest to them. And, it usually didn't last. Yeah, it was great to see her mum and dad back together. Sometimes, it did work out for the best. It could make people remember what was really important. And, sometimes people just came together for a few moments in order to forget.
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Martha came down the stairs slowly as soon as she was dressed. She gingerly stepped into the kitchen where she could hear the muddled voices of her family. She couldn't hear the Doctor at all. That was rare. Oh, gosh this was going to be bad, she thought as she pushed the door open. Martha started as she entered the kitchen and stopped at the threshold of the door. The Doctor stood in the kitchen before the stove. The scent of spices wafted through the room. Her dad, Tish and Leo sat at the table and her mom hovered over the Doctor.
"Really Doctor you do not have to make breakfast. Are you sure you know what you are doing?" She asked worriedly, hovering around him.
"Oh, no worries Francine. It's the least I can do."
"But really you have done enough."
"No," He said softly, his eyes going cloudy. "Not nearly." He looked up with a start, seeing Martha standing at the door of the kitchen. "Ah, well alright then good morning! How did you sleep? I mean did you sleep well? I mean not like you shouldn't sleep well or not like you should? How did everyone sleep?" The Doctor asked in his frantic way Martha was accustomed to. She'd seen it often enough. It was what he always did when he was, really excited or nervous or trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. She could pretty well guess which category this fell under.
The rest of the family, not as acclimated to the Doctor's frenzied nature looked on with amusement. Tish however slanted Martha a concerned glance.
Martha took a deep breath, and put on her happiest smile. "Good morning everyone."
"Good morning!" The Doctor said with too much enthusiasm.
"Did you sleep well Doctor?" Francine asked with a confused expression. "You seem a bit agitated. And, I thought I heard you tossing and turning last night."
"We should've replaced the guest bed ages ago." Martha's father added. "Was it uncomfortable?"
"Oh," The Doctor began, throwing his head back and emphasizing the small word so it sounded much larger than just two letters. "I slept fine—great even. It was fine. Fine. It was…wonderful in fact. Best sleep I've had in years." He ended softly. He didn't make eye contact and quickly turned back to the stove.
"Well, I still feel bad that you're making everyone breakfast." Francine added, looking at her kitchen nervously as the Doctor sprang back and forth around the stove.
"Maybe Martha can help." Tish suggested, ignoring the commanding expression her sister tried to give. "You know, just so he doesn't blow anything up."
The Doctor turned around and dropped his jaw, truly offended by Tish's lack of faith in his abilities. "All right Miss Jones it seems I'm being overruled. Do you want to help make sure I don't poison anyone? Humans cook with ammonia, right?" He asked quirking his eyebrows and finishing with a wink.
Martha rolled her eyes annoyed that she was still charmed by it. "What are you making?" She asked, approaching him apprehensively. She wasn't able to look him in the eyes, but that was made much easier by him looking at everything but her.
"That's a surprise. Trust me you'll love it." He said bouncing on the balls of his feet. He quickly continued through the kitchen for ingredients. The doctor went from cabinet to cabinet picking out parsley, or tarragon, or honey or chili peppers and Martha just looked on with amazement.
"How do you know where everything is?" She asked, unable to not be impressed by his easy maneuvering of the kitchen.
"Oh, well that's easy." He began. His eyes brightened up as his hands continued to add spices here and there. "You see there are really only four hundred and ninety three possible combinations of cataloging so once I figured out where the pots were it was a simple matter of using Labwhim's three tier elimination process and that was it. You see. Simple." He finished, as usual oblivious to the jaw dropped, confused expressions of everyone at the table.
"Simple." Martha said unable to prevent the smile.
"Yeah." He said turning around. "What?" He asked looking at the expressions of the rest of the group.
"Does he always talk like that?" Leo asked.
The rest of the family just nodded in assent.
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"Doctor this is amazing." Tish praised. "I am so sorry I doubted you."
"I know. I can't believe it's just eggs." Leo said shoveling more into his mouth.
"It really is good." Leo's wife Katerina agreed.
"Really Doctor it is quite spectacular." Francine commented a little reluctantly.
"Don't worry my dear. I still love your breakfasts." Mr. Jones teased, kissing his wife on the cheek. His eyes slid to the Doctor, "Though it couldn't hurt to have the recipe."
"Sorry, can't do that." The Doctor replied. "It doesn't really get created until the forty-fifth century. I just thought I'd give you a culinary preview." He said looking at him in triumph. His eyes accidentally landed on Martha, after hearing her musical laugh, but he quickly looked away unable to look at her. The events from last night kept replaying in his mind. He didn't know what to do or what to say or even how to feel. A part of him felt guilty, like he took advantage of her. He did. Of course he did. She was upset and vulnerable and he took advantage of that. All, he was thinking about was satiating his own desires. He'd wanted her. He wanted to be with her. Yes, he'd missed her. But, he shouldn't have done that. Not like this. She probably hated him, now. She wouldn't even look at him. She wouldn't even look him in the eyes. And all morning she stood apart from him. It was like there was this invisible wall between them, separating them. It was like she was afraid to be near him. Perhaps, it was just that she didn't want to be near him. Who could blame her after what he'd done? He looked up to see Martha gaze upon him but unable to mask his remorse, he just looked away and sighed.
Martha dropped her eyes back to her plate, but the eggs didn't taste as good as they did before.
Breakfast was soon over and Tish surreptitiously pulled Martha out of the room. The short conversation consisted mainly of what Martha's next move was regarding the Doctor. Martha hadn't quite decided on that bit yet but she knew she didn't have much time. The TARDIS was pretty much fixed and as welcoming as her family had been—including her mum—she knew the Doctor would be eager to be on his way.
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Martha made her way around the house searching for the Doctor. Finally, she heard his voice and approached the living room to investigate. She overheard his part a conversation so she assumed he was on the telephone or something. She paused at the doorway smiling at the discovery of his confidant. She didn't know what he was talking about and his words made no sense to her. Either way she had to find a way to talk to him and it was the closest to alone as she could get with so many people in the house.
"Well it's a bit more complicated than that." The Doctor said. "Well, I know you like me but I'm not sure how everyone else will feel about it…It's not exactly traditional…No, I suppose I'm not completely sure about that either…You forget that I'm not the only one involved in this decision…Oh yeah that's easy for you to say." He ended with a sigh.
"What are you doing?" Martha asked, smiling as she entered the room.
The Doctor looked up with a start. "Oh, well Leo and Kat looked like they didn't get much sleep last night so I decided to take over with little Juliet here." He sat on the couch with the baby on his lap facing him.
"You two seem to be getting along." Martha said sitting on the couch beside him, making sure there were several inches of empty space between them. She didn't see the Doctor's eyes quickly flash to notice just that.
"Oh, yeah we're having a great conversation. Aren't we Jules?" He said turning back to the infant gently tapping her nose. Juliet, smiling, reached forward caught his finger in apparent agreement. The doctor laughed but it looked as though he were laughing at some joke rather than just her action.
Martha watched her normally shy seven-month-old niece who looked just as enamored with the Doctor as she was. She supposed he had this effect on all women. Of course, in this case he seemed to actually return the compliment. He had such a genuine smile on his face as he continued the conversation with Juliet. Martha couldn't help but be enchanted by his easy smile, the light in his eyes and the brightening of his face. Her heart ached at the sight of them together and she reprimanded herself for being pathetic enough to be jealous… of a baby. As if hearing her thoughts Juliet reached out for Martha. She put her arms out expecting her niece to come to her but the Juliet looked like she was calling her closer instead of trying to depart the Doctor's company. She wrapped her tiny hand around the index finger of her aunt's proffered hand and let out a tiny grunt as she pulled her toward them.
As Martha slid closer to him, the Doctor moved his free arm so it rested on the back of the couch. His hand dangled near her shoulder. He looked at Juliet with a raised eyebrow. "I suppose you are quicker than I thought." He mumbled to her, ticking the finger that she held, back and forth in a playful reprimand.
She giggled.
"Show off." He responded.
Martha just glanced at him with an expression of confusion. "Are you having a good time with the Doctor, Juliet?" She asked leaning closer, unable to resist the infant's charms. Her head leaned over so it was almost resting on the Doctor's shoulder. "Are you?" Martha cooed, as the infant giggled in agreement.
The Doctor's head unconsciously turned toward Martha, breathing in the scent of her hair. His body shivered as her hair tickled his neck. He looked down at the serene smile of Martha's face, completely oblivious to being observed. Then his gaze shifted to his new friend Juliet, then back again. It was strange being here with the two of them. It was strange watching the infant content on his lap. It had been so long since he'd been around anyone so young. He didn't realize how much he'd missed having a family or being a father. He knew he missed it obviously but the feeling hadn't been as pronounced as it was now. There was a dull ache on both sides of his chest at seeing the resemblance in them. They both had brilliant minds. But, physically it was the eyes. Juliet had Martha's eyes. Martha had these great, deep arresting eyes that seemed to just pull you in. It hurt to look at sometimes, especially now as she looked up at him. He had been silent for too long. His mind was somewhere else, somewhere imagining what Martha's children might look like. His mind was imagining what his and Martha's children might look like. He wondered if that were even possible. Would she ever forgive him after last night?
It was the faint clicking noise that snapped him out of his reverie, and he was surprised that he didn't hear it earlier. The Doctor's movement caused Martha to look forward and Juliet just frowned.
Leo stood before them with the new expensive camera he'd gotten for his birthday. It was strange because technically that was just a few days ago. "You guys look great. I swear anyone would think you two were her parents."
Martha felt a sharp pain slice through her chest at Leo's casual words as she realized they would never have this. They would never have this. It would never be her and the Doctor. They would never be taking these pictures, no matter how many years went by. The pained look in the Doctor's eyes convinced her of that even more. Why would he look so miserable if he weren't thinking the same thing? Only it was probably tinged with the regret he felt for the night before. The look on his face reminded her exactly of that same look he gave her last night as she was getting into bed. Her body trembled slightly as the remembrance of that night flashed through her mind. No. She had to stop this. This was destructive. In the end she would only be hurt, more than she already was.
"Come on guys," Leo said snapping her out of her thoughts. "Let me get one more picture of the three of you."
Martha turned Juliet around so she was facing full front and they all looked up at the camera. The Doctor's arm slid down the couch and settled around Martha's waist, pulling her closer to him. They really did look like a family. But, as Martha smiled for the picture she knew what her decision was. Suddenly her decision became perfectly clear to her. She had to get out of this whole thing. It was killing her being this close to him and knowing what would never be. She couldn't do it anymore. She'd thought that year alone was the worst thing she would ever have to experience. But, the idea of traveling with the Doctor again and watching his eyes slide over her as if she weren't there was much worse. The idea of falling even harder for him while he constantly pushed her away, especially after last night was more than she could bear. She—
"Say cheese!" Leo ordered.
—had to get out.