I Am Not DUMB!, a harry potter fanfic

Hello! My name is Draco Malfoy! Otherwise known as The Greatest Person In The Whole World. (After the Dark Lord and Father)

My full name is Draco U. Malfoy. The U stands for UNICORN!

Some words, like UNICORN, are so awesome they get written in capitals.

Like:

UNICORN

DRACO UNICORN MALFOY

PANSYWANSYWOOWOO (the prettiest girl in the world! I love you Pansy!)

DARK DONUT (The dark lord)

GLITTER HAIR EXTENSIONS (just like Fathers. Speaking of him, I don't like that name. Ooh! French Fry! That's better, French Fry.)

EMOJI

WIFI

UNICORNS (they are so awesome they get written twice)

SLYTHERIN

The end. I'm currently sitting in the SLYTHERIN Common Room. Next to PANSYWANSYWOOWOO! Well, I was. Until she punched me. Again. Sigh. Now I'm writing a letter to Female French Fry, otherwise known as Milkshake!

Dear Milkshake,

I'm in SLYTHERIN! The hat TOTALLY DID NOT TRY AND SORT ME INTO GRYFFINDOR. On the train ride, everyone wanted to sit with me! Except for Potter. And Weasley. And all the boy and girls in my year. And- OK, NO ONE WANTED TO SIT WITH ME! Waaaa! Mommy!

Except for Henchman One and Henchman Two. Can you get me matching Tiaras for them? I need a UNICORN tiara, Milkshake!

Love,

Your AMAZING son,

DRACO U. MALFOY

(The U stands for UNICORN!)

Guess what?! Ok, I'll tell you. They have...WIFI here! The WIFI is called..Hogwarts WIFI! It's sooooo creative. As creative as Potter, Weasley, and Granger! I have a new nickname for Granger: KiwiMango! And Potter is...Potty! And Weasley is...Weasel! I make the BEST nicknames. Right? Right?

I'm not talking to you.

You have to apologize first.

Hello?

You there?

I'm bored.

DRACO MALFOY'S UNICORNTASTIC SCHOOL isn't working! Noooooooo! My favorite app is broken!

Never mind. PANSYWANSYWOOWOO said that it's updating.

Noooooooo! My favorite app is updating!

Ow. PANSYWANSYWOOWOO just hit me. Again. Now I have to go to Madam Popcorn. Isn't that an amazing name? After I'm going to found the fifth Hogwarts house, the UNICORNWOOWOO house! It's named after my two favorite things! UNICORNS and PANSYWANSYWOOWOO!

Popcorn said I'll be sleeping soon. She made me drink something Uncle Sevvy brought me. So...n...ig...h...t...

Hello again! DRACO UNICORNIA MALFOY here! I changed my name.

Again.

Also, I offered to be BESTIES with Potter! It was SOOO generous of me. And...he...said...

No.

Waaaaaaaa. Mummy!

So PANSYWANSYWOOWOO punched me because I got her homework wet.

Also, French Fry said that the DARK DONUT is opening a donut store!

I hope he sells the chocolate donuts with the dots. They're the best.

You know, the chocolaty-powdery dots! Like the one PANSYWANSYWOOWOO has on her face! Only hers are red.

Ow.

Double ow.

PANSYWANSYWOOWOO hit me again.

Dear French Fry,

We went flying today! I was amazing, as usual. ;). My UNICORNTASTIC self was going to return Longbottom's toy, by placing it in a tree! But stupid Potter stopped me, DRACO UNICORNIA MALFOY, and got made seeker! I want to be seeker! Frenchie, I want new brooms for everyone on the team. Then I'll be seeker!

I met the house elfies today. They showed me a room where I can build the UNICORNWOOWOO common room. And...they're going to tell Dumbles so PANSYWANSYWOOWOO and I can stay there! (And so she can hit me in the hot tub.) Oh, yeah. FRENCHIE I WANT A HOT TUB FOR CHRISTMAS. And it would be nice for you to kick out dumbles.

Love,

Your favoritest unicorniest son,

DRACO UNICORNIA MALFOY

Today, we had our first Transfiguration class. It was with MeowGonagall. Isn't that an amazing name for her!? I totally turned my match into a needle first. Not MangyMango! MeowGonagall favors the Gryffindorks, though. PANSYWANSYWOOWOO is so smart! She got her needle to turn green! My favoritest color in the whole wide world!

Plans are going great for the UNICORNWOOWOO common room. Except that Frenchie forgot to send me my UNICORN statues...and my self-portrait...and everything else I asked him.

Then, I saw Potty, Weasel, and Mangy (KookyKiwiMango) sneaking out! So, as the responsible student I am, (stop laughing Daphne!) I followed them. They had a DRAGON. DRAGON, DRAGON, DRAGON! FRENCHIE, I WANT A DRAGON. NOT THAT HALF-GIANT!

Thank you.

Dear Frenchie,

I changed my name again! Can you pleeeaaaase change the birth certificate? Again?

My new name is officially DRACO UNICORNIEST MALFOY! Don't you love it? I do!

I got Snapple to turn my quills into UNICORN STATUES! So now I need new quills. And 50000000000000000000 DONUTS. The powdered kind. For Snapple.

Snapple is the best teacher at HoggyWarty! He took points off Potty and said I had the best potion in class!

'cept for Daphne and Pansy and Blaise and Theo...

Waaaa!

I WANT A PRIVATE POTIONS TUTOR AND I WANT IT NOW!

Also I want my GLITTER HAIR EXTENSIONS. Daphne laughed at me when she saw this. She is looking over my shoulder, Frenchie!

That is so not okay! At least I think so.

Write back soon.

Your favoritist son,

DRACO UNICORNIEST MALFOY

Frenchie wrote me back! I'm putting his letter, and his edited letter in here.

Dear DRACO UNICORNIEST MALFOY,

Of course I will change your name!

And I'm sending over all your stuff and Snapple's donuts!

And of course extra ones for you!

I'm working on that marriage contract for you and PANSYWANSYWOOWOO.

Your glitter hair extensions are in this package. I got you blonde, pink, and green ones.

You will receive your private potions tutor for Christmas!

Love,

Father

Dear Draco,

No.

I am not changing your name. Lucius is an amazing middle name, and I am NOT changing it. So stop asking!

I am sending you plain black quills as punishment for having your Super-Duper-Swirly-Loopy-Unicorn-Quills transfigured.

No donuts! Over the summer, you can buy Severus one with your pocket money. You got yourself into this mess - I'm not paying for it.

As for the potions tutor, you have your godfather. ASK him to give you private lessons.

No more glitter hair extensions! Last time you got them, they got glitter all over the place.

Do NOT call me Frenchy, or French Fry.

-Father

I like my version better.

Duh!

Back to my story -

POTTER GOT PUT ONTO THE QUIDDITCH TEAM. IT'S NOT FAIR!

Plus, he got a Nimbus 2000 broomstick. I'm only getting that for my birthday!

It is not fair.

Daphne says to put in that if I hadn't stolen Longbottom's ball, Potter wouldn't be on the Quidditch team.

I disagree. Naturally.

Sigh.

Then...Filch and that half-giant made me go into the forbidden forest! With Potty! At night!

There was an evil dark thingy there. And a UNICORN. But he was dead.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I am very sad. But if I cry, PANSYWANSYWOOWOO will hit me again.

So I decided to work on the UNICORNWOOWOO common room.

It's really cool. The entrance is...the door to my private bathroom. At HoggyWarty.

Meh. Dumbles refused to give me a big room, so I took over my bathroom. I had house elves make another one right next to the one I have now! Then they cleared out all the furniture and moved my bathtub (Read: hot tub) to the side.

So then I put in the UNICORN statues.

And now I have the UNICORNWOOWOO common room!

I'm going to go make invitations to join my house.

Look below:

To whom it may concern,

YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO JOIN THE UNICORNWOOWOO HOUSE!

It is the best house in HoggyWarty.

Literally.

See DRACO MALFOY for more details!

(Like the hot tub in the common room)

Love,

DRACO U. MALFOY

Isn't it beautiful? I sent it to Daphne and Blaise and Theo and of course, PANSYWANSYWOOWOO. I even sent one to Potty!

Dear thingy-that-is-not-a-diary-because-diarys-are-for-girls,

Although, Frenchy has a diary. It's black and says T.M. Riddle on it.

Back to the UNICORNWOOWOO common room plans! I paid a prefect to get me glitter at HoggieSmeade. So then I made a glittery pink mirror with this amazing muggle item called hot glue.

Owieeeeeee! Now I know why they call it hot.

After I visited Madam Popcorn and got a bright pink unicorn band-aid that all the adults wear, I tried to get PANSYWANSYWOOWOO to come to the UNICORNWOOWOO common room. She refused.

Her exact words:

"No, no, no! But I do like that it's named after me, like everything should."

Sigh. PANSYWANSYWOOWOO is so right. Well, I'm going to pick up my PANSYWANSYWOOWOOquill and PANSYWOOWOOink and go to TrasfiggyWOOWOO. Great names, right?

...

For that I'm leaving you in the dorm!

Diary to DRACO UNICORNIESTEST MALFOY, THE AWESOME:

You always leave me in the dorm.

Jk!

FRENCHY CHANGED MY NAME! FRENCHY CHANGED MY NAME!

Here's his latest letter:

Dear DRACO UNICORNIESTEST MALFOY, the bestestest son in the world,

Your name is now officially DRACO UNICORNIESTEST MALFOY. I sent along a present for PANSYWANSYWOOWOO, and for your common room.

And of course, I will buy seven Nimbus 2001s so you can be on the Quidditch team next year.

Love,

Frenchy

Ok, here's the real letter:

Draco,

Your name is now officially Draco Lucius Malfoy-Black, which is your mother's maiden name.

NO MORE BROOMS!

Besides, if Potter got on the team, it is probably because you goaded him into doing something that he got onto the team for.

-Your father

Stupid Longbottom and his stupid Forgettyball.

Delayed ow. I threw you, glittery pink diary (thanks Hot Gluie!), and you hit PANSYWANSYWOOWOO! Bad diary! So she hit me again.

Today...I was writing in you at lunch...and two mean people...came over...and stole you! Then, they started to read you out loud!

"Dear Diary," one read in a high voice, "I am now part of the Black family, which makes me Draco Unicorn Malfoy-Black!"

Thank Merlinnnnnnnyyyyyyy I had Snapple put a magic spell that only PANSYWANSYWOOWOO and I could read it.

BTdubs, anyone know where I can get 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 Powdery-chocolate-dotty donuts?

Waaaaaa! Everyone is calling me dumb!

What? Who? Oh, thanks for asking.

First, PANSYWANSYWOOWOO did. Then Blaise and Daphne and TeddyBearTheo and Tracy-wacy. But henchman one and henchman two stayed quiet.

Then...WEASEL AND POTTY CALLED ME DUMB AND MANGY AND EVERYONE ELSE. THEY ARE NOT UNICORN FRIENDS ANYMORE!

Then again, they never were.

POTTY WEASEL AND MANGY STOLE A STUPID STONE AND KILLED PROFESSOR SQUIRREL!

Then...

Wait for it...

SLYTHERIN WON THE HOUSE CUP!

Of course, we only won it for two minutes, because Dumbledork gave Potty, Weasel, and Mangy and even Longbottom House Points! Even to cheat and get above us!

So there goes my 'we won-goodbye-I'll miss you so much and love you forever' kiss with PANSYWANSYWOOWOO.

Not that I ever planned one, because I would totally absolutely positively not do that.

Goodbye HoggyWarty!

Goodbye private UNICORNWOOWOO common room! (There's only one member, so I get it all to myself!)

Goodbye PANSYWANSYWOOWOO!

BTdubs, we are a couple now! Ok, fine, we're a couple at night, when my eyes are closed and I'm dreaming.

Ow!

(Do I even need to say what happened?)

PANSYWANSYWOOWOO, I'm not dumb!

I am never speaking to Daphne again! I will go back and enjoy my summer at the closed DARK DONUT bakery, with my private potions lessons that I will of course be having, and my new broomstick, and GLITTER HAIR EXTENSIONS.

I will not think about her logically correct argument with colored highlighter thingys and thesisesesses (what's a thesis?) that have five paragraphs (that's more than Snapple wants for his essays!) and say that I truly am dumb.

Daphne says it's D.U.M.B. - DRACO whatever-UNICORN-name-I-decided-upon Malfoy-Black.

It's DRACO UNICORNIESTEST MALFOY-BLACK!

Anyways...dum dum dum...(drum roll pleasie weasie with UNICORNS on top)...Next year...I'm..going...to...the...

...

CHAMBER OF UNICORNS

or maybe I'll call it the UNICORNTOPIA OF SECRETS.

Eh. Whatever mood I'm in next year. Bye bye diary that I did not just spend the last ten minutes having a tearful goodbye with! And no, I did not kiss you ten times!*

Signing out,

DRACO UNICORNIESTEST MALFOY-BLACK, who is not D.U.M.B.

*BTdubs, it was 11.

Hugs and kisses! (But only to PANSYWANSYWOOWOO) Love you diary!

What's that?

No!

I am not D.U.M.B.!