Holding On
I'm losing control of my emotions;
You've got this hold on my heart.
I've never known what we are feeling,
You never took me so far.
I can't find the words, is this love?
Tell me I've found you; is this love?
Say that you'll always keep
Holding on, keep holding on,
Cos your love's got a hold on me.
Keep holding on, keep holding on, yeah.
I'm losing my mind dreaming about you,
Still as you sleep by my side,
Kiss me awake, whisper good morning,
Say what you said one more time.
Cos I need to know, is this love?
Tell me I've found you; is this love?
Say that you'll always keep
Holding on, keep holding on,
Cos your love's got a hold on me.
Keep holding on, keep holding on, yeah.
~Beverly Craven, "Holding On"
He'd thought she was okay when they got back to the TARDIS, only to turn round after starting the machine up to find her in a ball on the floor, rocking herself backwards and forwards, trying to stop the wracking sobs from being quite so obvious. He crouched beside her. "Rose?" He laid a gentle hand on her back. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save him for you."
The only response was a violent sob that seemed almost to tear her apart, and certainly tore at his hearts. He sat on the floor beside her, and pulled her into his arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Rose. I should never have agreed to bring you back here, I should never have put you through this..."
She clung to him, sobbing. "I..."
"Sh..." he soothed, brushing away some of the tears on her face.
"I'm sorry," she snuffled. "Messed everything up again."
"You weren't to know. It's my fault for bringing you here. I should have known better. Shouldn't have put you through seeing your father die."
She'd calmed a little. "I had a few hours with him," she whispered. "You gave me those hours. Gave him those hours. He was grateful for it, as well. He..." she sobbed a little. "He died to save me. Just like you did."
"Of course he did," he said softly. "You're his little girl, and for all his faults, he loved you." He sighed. "It's a parent thing, Rose. They tend to defend their children to the last. It's a constant the universe over."
She sniffed, tears welling in her eyes again. "I just..." She tried again. "It's not just..."
"Not just what?"
"Not just about dad. I killed you."
"Rose, I think you'll find I was actually killed by a Reaper."
"That's not the point! You died because of me!"
"I'm alive now," he soothed.
"You..."
"Remember the Dalek? The Slitheen?" he said softly. "I'm alive, Rose. I'm alive, and I'm here. And I know I'm not your father, and I can never take his place, and I wouldn't want to, but I'm here, I'm alive, so please, stop worrying about it."
"It's just..."
"Just what?"
"I can't..."
"Can't what?"
"I can't... grieve for him. Like I grieved for you. Is that wrong? I made a rift in time to save him, then..."
"You barely got to know him, Rose," he reminded her. "He's never been a huge part of your life. Yes, he was your father, but... you never had a life with him."
"But I should be grieving for him," she whispered. "He was my father."
"You're not grieving for him now?"
She stood up slowly, shaking her head. "No." She left him sitting, utterly confused, on the control room floor.
The TARDIS gave an unhappy whine. "What is it, girl?" he asked. There was another whine, seemingly coming from the passage leading to Rose's room. He sighed. "Fine. I'll go and check on her. But if she's asleep, she won't thank me for it."
He hesitated at the door of her room, then slid it open gently. The room was in darkness, and Rose was asleep, but obviously dreaming. "No... don't die, you can't die, I can't lose you..." she was muttering in her sleep.
Poor girl. So much for not grieving for her father, he thought, stepping inside, wondering if he should wake her.
The words became more distinct, louder, desperate, until she was almost screaming. "NO! Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't kill him, leave him alone! Leave him alone, leave him alone! Don't kill him!" By now her whole body was wracked with sobs, and he was amazed she hadn't woken herself up. "NO!" She screamed. "DON'T KILL MY DOCTOR!"
Shocked into action, he was at her bedside in instants, perching on the edge, bracing himself against the mattress with one hand while the other cupped her shoulder, squeezing it gently and shaking her awake. "Rose. Rose, wake up. It's okay. It's just a dream."
Wild-eyed, she stared at him, before flinging herself into his arms. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry. It was all my fault. I'm just a stupid little ape, I'm no use to you..."
"Don't be so bloody ridiculous, Rose," he said a trifle snappily, more because he wasn't sure how to react than because he was angry with her. He shuffled his hand forward on the bed so he was lying next to her, and pulled her back into his arms. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "Didn't mean to snap."
She gave a half-laugh through her tears. "'S okay. Didn't mean to be so daft about it."
He grinned. "I seem to remember getting similarly caustic comments from you about how I felt after the Dalek incident."
"Yes, but I never actually died," she pointed out. "You did." She gulped. "One minute you were there, and everything was okay, and the next minute that... that thing had eaten you, and you were gone, and..." She broke down again, clutching at one of his hands. "You died... I'd saved my father, but... I'd lost you."
He sighed at the words, so similar to the ones he'd spoken to her in Downing Street - I could save the world... and no doubt about it, when he thought he'd killed her, leaving her with the Dalek... he shuddered. "Now you know how I felt. When I thought you were dead."
"I wasn't willing... to pay that price. I was sad for him, but... oh, God, how can I be glad that in the end it was him, not you? He was my father!"
"He'd already died," he said gently. "Deep down, you knew he was meant to stay dead, and a part of you accepted that. But that human instinct spurred you on to try to save him, and I don't blame you for that. The number of times I've been tempted to do the same, go back in time and save my family..." he sighed. "But there are always consequences. Unlike you, I knew what they would be. And like you, I wasn't willing to pay the price."
"But - he was - my father," she sobbed. "I was - glad. How could I..."
"Because it was right, Rose. It was right that he should be dead, otherwise it would have changed everything about your life, changed you, your mother... everything. And you knew that. But remember, you gave him a chance - a chance to see what his little girl would grow up to be, how she'd be beautiful and caring, brave and strong, helping to help people. And you gave him a chance to do something with his life, to give it up willingly for the person he loved most in the world. You gave him the chance to die a hero, Rose. And maybe it's just us two who know it, but you were the most important thing in his world, so does it matter if no one else knows? He still died a hero's death. He not only saved you, Rose. He saved the world. Something even I couldn't do then."
She snuffled. "I - I know. I just - losing both of you in the same day, I - I dunno, it felt like I didn't have anything to hold on to. I was comfortable with him. But with you, it always feels that everything's okay, whatever's going wrong, it's just okay, if you're there. But I had nothing... nothing to hold on to."
He lay silently beside her while she cried, still holding on to him. "Rose?"
"Yeah?" she sniffed.
"Do you remember the first time you held my hand?"
"Yeah, you were saving my life. Running away from those mannequin things."
"No... the first time. The first time in this timeline."
"Huh?"
"Today," he said quietly. "When we went back. Your mum entrusted me with you - with you as a baby, that is. Remember? Even then you trusted me to take care of you. You curled your tiny, tiny fragile baby-fingers around one of mine, and you held on with a grip so tight, I thought that nothing would ever prise them off me. Holding on for dear life. Just like you're holding on to me now." She realised that, unwittingly, she'd curled her hand around his forefinger. "As long as you keep holding on to me, Rose," he promised with a brush of his lips to her hairline, "I'll keep holding on to you. And if we're holding on to each other, then we'll never be without each other, will we?"
She gave him a watery smile and nodded weakly, too drained to reply in words. She settled herself comfortably in his arms, and laid her head on his chest, listening to the faint, slightly strange, but reassuring double heartbeat. She sighed.
"What now?"
"What's that thing, where you use two opposite words next to each other to describe the same thing?"
"Oxymoron," he replied, startled.
"That's the one."
"It is?"
"Mm. I was thinking... it should be weird that I grieved more for an alien than for my father. Then I thought, it's daft to think of you as an alien. I mean..." she yawned. "You're more familiar to me now than almost anything back home. And you can't have a familiar alien, can you? Cos that's an oxymoron. Only..." she yawned again, "I couldn't remember the word. But I knew..." she said drowsily, "I knew you'd know."
"So I'm an oxymoron, am I?"
"M' best friend." She snuggled down. "Don't go away..."
"You're still holding on to me, Rose," he pointed out. "I can hardly go anywhere."
She smiled sleepily and tightened her grip on his hand. "Good."
Her smile widened a little, catching his affectionate response just as she was on the brink of sleep. "Silly little ape."