"Neville, do you know where the Sorting Hat went?"
"I'm sorry, Minerva, but I do not know."
"We cannot find the Sorting Hat. This is fucking ridiculous!"
"Why are you questioning me, then? I'm not the one who takes care of things like this. For Merlin's sake, I'm the Transfiguration professor, not the caretaker. Argus Filch is the one who handles these things."
"I already tried getting the answer out of Filch earlier today, but it failed."
"Well, this is very serious. I would suggest talking to the Ministry, as if this is stolen this is a serious breach of our defences at Hogwarts."
"Kingsley?"
"Yes, Minerva?"
"I'm here to inform you of something of a serious nature. The Sorting Hat has disappeared."
"Indeed, so is it? This is a very serious issue, then, if the Sorting Hat isn't at Hogwarts. Are you sure you've lost the Sorting Hat?"
"We've searched everywhere in Hogwarts, we've asked everybody we can where they've last seen it, and all we've gotten are resounding negative answers. Argus Filch doesn't know where it is, and he's the one who usually takes care of everybody around Hogwarts. No, we are positive that the Sorting Hat is gone, and since school will be starting soon, it is imperative that we find it."
"So, what do you want me to do?"
"Well, with all the resources the Ministry has, I was wondering if you and your lads could use all the personnel, everything to help us search for the Sorting Hat."
"Very well, Minerva, we will see what we could do here."
SORTING HAT GONE MISSING FROM HOGWARTS
On 8 May 2015, the current headmistress of Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall, went up to the highest offices of the Ministry of Magic to report a very distressing truth. The famous Sorting Hat that has resided at Hogwarts since the founding of Hogwarts back in the eleventh century has disappeared, "off of the face of the planet," as McGonagall describes it.
This is very unfortunate for the Hogwarts School of Magic, as since the Sorting Hat being a part of a very long and honoured traditional ceremony at Hogwarts, the absence of the Hat will prove very problematic for everybody in Hogwarts. The sorting out of everybody into the four Houses Gryffindor, Slythern, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw is virtually impossible without the magical powers and wisdom that only the Sorting Hat holds.
"We were all tidying up and getting ready to shut down the school. Argus [Filch] was the one who was in charge of the Sorting Hat, but he had to run to the loo, so he asked me if I could make sure the hat was there. Not willing to let our school caretaker down, I agreed, and when I reached the case where the Sorting Hat is usually located, the Sorting Hat was nowhere to be found. I immediately went to Minerva McGonagall to inform her of the discovery," Septima Vector recalls.
"When Professor Vector told me of what had happened, I immediately thought that Argus might have accidentally placed it elsewhere and then promptly forgot it, but when I confronted Argus he denied ever touching the hat since placing it there after the sorting ceremony ago," said Minerva McGonagall.
All the professors and staff members of Hogwarts are now confident that the Sorting Hat is no longer in Hogwarts, but elsewhere in the world. Thus, they have insisted that all wizards across the globe, able-bodied or not, to search everywhere for the whereabouts of the Sorting Hat, and if they see something suspicious, to report it immediately to the Ministry.
Harry Potter entered the Minister's office carrying something wizards do not normally carry with them – an iPad.
"Minister Shacklebolt, I think I know where the Sorting Hat is."
He took the iPad, and after a couple of agonising minutes, finally got to where he wanted it, for wizards and muggle technology do not mix.
"Here it is, or here was it. The Sorting Hat."
There was a video playing in Harry's iPad, and there was a black hat being eaten by a man.
Kingsley Shacklebolt took the iPad and scrutinised the black hat.
"Are you sure the black hat is the Sorting Hat? It could just be a regular old hat that the muggles sell."
"I'm positive, there's a symbol on the side of the hat that indicates that it is the Sorting Hat."
Kingsley analysed the hat a little more, eventually coming to the symbol that Harry mentioned. Without a doubt, this was the Sorting Hat.
"If it's the Sorting Hat, then why isn't it saying anything? Why is it just being eaten by this person?"
"Perhaps a silencing charm has been placed on the hat. Whatever the case, this man needs to be tracked down, so we could get more information out of him. And then, we need to get a replacement hat."
"That, my friend, is your responsibility, Harry Potter. Mind me, who exactly is this chap in the video?"
"Paddy Ashdown. It was all over the muggle newspapers. He's been asking for a hat to eat, ever since it was confirmed that the Liberal Democrats did as poorly as was predicted in the BBC exit poll."
It was odd walking down Great George Street. Typical Brits do not just randomly come out of nowhere and amble down the street to the Liberal Democrats' 2015 Election Headquarters Building. British wizards who are not all that interested in muggle society in the first place are even more unwilling to randomly enter the building.
Harry Potter was very nervous entering the building, as there were usually cameras everywhere, and journalists reporting on what is happening in the building at all times as the election draws to a close. As he walked through the hallways still filled with volunteers and supporters of the Liberal Democrats, he tried his best to stay hidden, because he didn't want to attract unnecessary attention to him. He wandered the halls for a few minutes trying to find the old man, but it was hard because there were so many unfamiliar faces, and so many faces full stop.
Harry Potter finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, found the fellow he was looking for. He was sitting in an office, looking extremely gloomy, on the other side of the building, far away from all the commotion still going on in the LibDem Headquarters.
"Sorry for interrupting you, Mr. Ashdown, but I need to speak with you."
Paddy Ashdown let the man with the dark hair and the SS-insignia-shaped scar on his forehead into the office.
"I am Harry Potter."
"Paddy Ashdown. Nice to meet you, Mr. Potter."
The two of them shook hands.
"So, I believe you placed a video up showing that you ate a hat."
"Yes, that is correct."
"So, tell me, where did you get that hat?"
"Which hat?"
"Well, the one that you ate."
"Well, I took the original hat that somebody gave me, and I asked somebody to make an edible version of a hat that looks identical to that hat, and that edible version was the one I ate."
"If so, then where is the original hat."
"Well, it's here."
Paddy Ashdown pulled a pointed hat from on top of a tall filing cabinet, and gave it to Harry Potter. Harry Potter took a look at it, and indeed it was the Sorting Hat, but just as in the video, silent. It's perhaps for the best that the Sorting Hat is silent; otherwise the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy would have been broken. Now, time to find who had the stupid idea of sending this magical object here.
"Who gave you this hat."
"One Mr. Filch."
"Well, thank you very much, Mr. Ashdown. Mr. Filch is a friend of mines, and he wants to have his hat back, but he isn't able to come here to pick it up, so I am getting it for him." Harry Potter knows that that sentence is just a bunch of arsehole lies; Mr. Filch isn't Potter's friend, nor does he want to have the hat back.
"You're welcome. Well, good day, Mr. Potter."
"Farewell."
After leaving the Liberal Democrats headquarters, Harry Potter immediately apparated to the Ministry building. There was Kingsley Shacklebolt, waiting for him.
"Kingsley?"
"Yes, Potter?"
"I have found the Sorting Hat, and the truth of everything surrounding the Sorting Hat."
"And what might that be?"
"Apparently Mr. Filch lied. He took the Sorting Hat from where it was supposed to be and gave it to that old man just so he could make that stupid video. That blasted goddamn fool. Just thankfully Mr. Ashdown was sensible enough to create an edible hat instead of eating the leather of the Sorting Hat."
"Thank you for telling me, but unfortunately, we cannot do anything about it."
"How so? Argus Filch almost ruined what may be a crucial branch of Hogwarts. He has committed the crime of theft, and more importantly, he almost broke the International Statute of Wizardry Secrecy, so most definitely he needs to be punished by the Ministry for his crimes."
"Well, while you were gone, we've received some news. It seems that Argus Filch is dead."
"And how is that possible?"
"Well, the Hogwarts professors noted that he went into the lavatory, and ages passed by and Argus still wasn't coming out. So finally, they decided to break down the door to the loo, and they found Argus Filch lying there. He was not breathing, or moving, his heart was not beating, and he is presumed dead on the spot. Mediwitches that came along after being informed of the situation only confirmed his state of death."