A/N: My first Junjou fanfic
not good at lemon, though love it more than so much
wanted to put in, "tadaima"
"I'm home"
then
"Ogairi"
"Welcome back"
The cozy feeling it brings
The emptiness of it lacking
Junjou Egoists:
The key, fumbled in gloved hands. The doorknob, shaky from the unsteadiness. The door opens, hinges creaking.
Everything's just like before. How was this possible?
I stepped through the threshold, steps unsteady, holding onto the walls for support. Numb fingers didn't bother fumbling for that switch. No point. Without him, there'd be nothing to see.
Boot buckles came loose in who knows how long between inept fingertips. How does time still flow? How can it?
Stumble onto the upraised platform hallway, soaked socks not gripping properly on years of accumulated wax, falling forward. No pain. Only deadened dull aching. My vision stayed clear, as if I could see anything in the first place. Frozen cheeks unfeeling, unconnected to the lukewarm floor. Gaze unmoving on the light sheen of dust coating the corners of the hall.
"I'm home…"
I don't know. Did I say that? I don't know. Gaze blurred, eyes heated. Hot trails left down the corner of my eyes.
"I'm home…"
A small, anesthetized smile crossed my lips; the only thing that moved. Kept flowing, pooling beneath my face, warm.
"I'm home…"
Kept on whispering those two words into the silent, stationary darkness that consumed the apartment.
"I'm home…"
There won't be an answer. There never will be. I know.
"I'm home…"
Air became lacking. Compressed lungs refused to draw another breath, heartbeat speeding.
"I'm home…"
Unstoppable tears, forever flowing. Chest, forever heaving. Cold.
"I'm home…"
Finally, seemingly carved face yield to the overwhelming pain. Pride shattered, façade dissolved. Scrunched up in pain, expression ugly when lifting myself up; an apparent outlandish desire, drawing my knees up to my chest. Faux wood cold against my back when leaning against the wall.
"I'm home…!"
Words barely audible as muted sobs shook my body. Mouth open, then closed; gaping for air, teeth gnashing together. Eyes clenched so tightly shut, impossible to pry apart. Lungs so empty; forever heaving in absent oxygen, consumed moment they touched.
"I'm home…"
Only lips moved, nothing came out. Voices caught, never existed. No difference, no matters. Trifles.
"I'm home…"
Oh how I wish this a dream. Come wake me, rough shaking on the shoulder, gentle but firm calls by the ear. The increasingly annoying alarm clock, to slam a clammy palm on it, setting it on permanent snooze. Give me five minutes. Five minutes pass: more calls, progressively more urgent. A fluttering wave in his direction, five more minutes. You're going to be late for work. Pouncing out of bed, showering and brushing teeth both at the same time. Dressing frenziedly, clothes awkward and hanging. Your amused face when fixing my tie as I scarf down the piece of toast. The chaste kiss goodbye catching me by surprise. Pouncing out the door, sprinting to the school.
A strangled cry came forth from my throat. This was no dream. Too painful, too agonizing as a dream. Dulled senses lulling to sleep, but conscious staying alert, replaying that sorrowful, fateful scene over and over; the doctor's distressed shake of the head, the numbness that followed, and spread, and kept until now.
Body's limp; limbs bluntly fell to the side. Gaze traveled up to the ceiling; black and void. Mouth opened for a single word, 3 syllables, spelling out the very reason for another fit of crazed weeps, teetering on the brink of insanity. Drowned.
"Nowaki."