How is it possible to hurt this much, and still be alive. To have to continue breathing after your reason to live has left is cruel. I curled into a tight ball on my bed and let the loud sobs out that I had been so desperately trying to mask. Not for my own sake, but for Charlie's. Each tear was a reminder that he was gone; that they were all gone. I had lost the love of my life, my friends, my family, and my future. It all vanished when he did. I felt a giant hole in my chest, like he had taken my heart with him. I struggled to breathe as my sobs became unbearable. How was I supposed to fall asleep without Edward there to hum my lullaby? Just to think his name caused immense pain. How much more pain could I take before I broke? My sobs turned into screams as Edward's parting replayed like a broken record through my mind. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go on living without him there. There was no reason to live without Edward. A life without Edward wouldn't be a life at all. My screams must have woken Charlie, because he was in my room shouting.
"Bella! Bella! You're okay Bella!" He yelled, but I was crying too hard to respond. "Bells?" He sounded unsure of himself. I only curled in on myself more than before. I wrapped my arms around my chest, willing the hole there to close. Nothing made sense or had purpose without Edward. I don't know how long I lied in my bed screaming and crying. I could feel myself being picked up and moved somewhere, but I didn't care. I squeezed my eyes closed and fought to remember every fine detail of Edward's face. I could never forget it; I wouldn't allow myself too. There was a loud siren noise, but my screams were louder. I was poked and prodded at, but none of it mattered. I didn't matter. Without Edward I was nothing. I tried to disappear within myself, to hide from an Edwardless world. After a long time, a voice broke me from my stupor.
"Bella?" Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen, my other father and my only lifeline to Edward. My eyes flew open and I grabbed his shirt in my fists with all the strength I had. He wouldn't be able to leave without breaking all ten of my fingers.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Tell him I'm sorry. I'll do better- I'll be better. Please. PLEASE!" I started mumbling and then screamed. My gaze never left his golden eyes. Was this even real? Was he here?
"Bella, you need to calm down or else I'll have to sedate you." His voice was full of concern. I tried to listen to him. My breathing calmed marginally.
"He left me. You all left me." I whispered knowing Carlisle would hear. "Why are you here? Where is here?" I asked him. For the first time I tore my gaze away from Carlisle's to see that I was in a hospital bed. There were restraints on the bed which I was not attached to. What had happened?
"I was working my last shift here when you came in by ambulance. Bella, you had a break down and Charlie had to call 911. You had been screaming for half an hour before he called and you've been here for an hour. Do you remember any of this?" I shook my head.
"Edward left me. He left me Carlisle." My voice shook. Saying his name hurt more than thinking it. I had to think it and say it, or else he really would disappear. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rocked back and forth a little. "What did I do to make him not love me? Am I not pretty enough? I'll diet and exercise more! I'll wear all those clothes Alice buys me and make up too. I can change! Carlisle I'll change! Tell him I'll change! Just make him come back! Please Carlisle, please? I need him!" My breath escaped in ill-formed gasps and heaves.
"Bella, I am so sorry but I have to sedate you now." He told me whilst pulling out a syringe.
"WAIT! Just tell him! Please promise you'll tell him!" Carlisle reluctantly nodded his head. I felt a small pinch and then everything turned black. Even in my dreams I could see Edward leaving me. I could hear him breaking up with me. What had I been thinking? I had deluded myself that I belonged with someone who was perfect. I had deluded myself into believing that Edward would want me forever and that he loved me the way I loved him. I wasn't good enough for him. He deserved better and I would be better. I would be thinner. I would be prettier. I would be less selfish and make everything about him. I could do that and would do that. I would be everything he ever wanted. Then, maybe if I was lucky, he would come back. He would love me again. Had he ever loved me at all?
I awoke with tears streaming steadily down my face. I moved to wipe them away, but I could not lift my arms. I looked down and saw that my wrists and ankles were strapped to a hospital bed. I looked around the room for Carlisle, but he was nowhere to be seen. I tried to get out of my restraints to no avail.
"Hello?" I shouted. "Is anyone there?" I shouted a little louder when no one responded. A tiny nurse came in the room with a smile on her face.
"Glad to see that you are awake dear. You have a visitor, if you'd accept him." She informed me. I assumed it was Charlie.
"Sure." I told her. She wiped the tears off my face with a tissue.
"If you can stay calm for a few hours, I will remove your restraints. I'll tell your visitor to come in." I nodded and she left. I watched the door, trying to think of how to explain to Charlie what had happened. How would I get out of here? MY heart skipped a beat when Edward came into the room and sat in the chair by my bed.