This is a strange little oneshot that came to me in the middle of the night.
"Tobi, the plan has failed."
"You mean Pein and Konan weren't enough to capture the nine tails?" Tobi sighed dramatically at the incompetence of his underlings.
"Not only that, it seems that Pein is dead," White Zetsu added.
"What did I tell you about it being my job to report in?"
"Fine," White Zetsu irritably replied, "You can do all the talking you want. I'll just wait for the report to end before reminding you that I exist."
White Zetsu crossed its arm and frowned.
"What about Konan," Tobi asked the plant-man, and by the tone of his voice he could have been asking about the weathe- No, the weather was far more relevant to Tobi's plans. His moon mass genjutsu wouldn't work if it was cloudy on the preplanned date. Zetsu however, had spent enough time living with Tobi to know not to lay too much thought into the tone of his voice. "Is she dead too?"
"Konan was still alive last we checked, but she fared a fate far worse than death."
"What happened this time?"
"Both Nagato and Konan were defeated by the same jutsu."
This made Tobi look up. "One jutsu defeated two of my best Akatsuki?"
"This… Jutsu… It's like nothing I'd ever seen before."
"Oh? How so?"
"I believe that it goes by the name 'Talk No Jutsu'."
"Talk No Jutsu?" Tobi gave Zetsu a dismissive wave, "Never heard of it."
"It's an all powerful attack unique to the nine tails jinchuuriki."
"I thought you said that you weren't going to bother me anymore?"
"Woops."
Ignoring his faithful sidekick's identity disorders, Tobi pressed on. "That is great and all but please tell me… "What exactly IS this "all powerful" attack?" Tobi wouldn't easily believe that a jutsu that didn't belong to him could be considered all powerful.
"It is a jutsu that changes even one's most mortal enemy into someone who cares more about the user's wellbeing then their own."
Tobi laughed, "You mean to tell me that this jutsu makes the person it's used on change into the casters best friend?" Tobi giggled behind his mask for a second or two before reconsidering the jutsu's worthlessness. "That would've been really useful to have back when I was partners with Deidara." He said thoughtfully.
"Uh Tobi?" Zetsu spoke carefully- correcting Tobi was like crossing a minefield.
"What?"Irritated.
"I think that you're sorta missing the point of this jutsu."
"And…?"Still Irritated.
Zetsu gulped. (Or at least his Black half did. His white half was silently laughing whilst mentally insisting that he could do a better job of this.)
"If you get hit by it you'll change into the nine tails jinchuuriki's best friend!"
"I…" Behind his mask Tobi's eyes widened. "That's… That's not good at all! How am I supposed to kill the nine tails if I become its jinchuuriki's best friend? Zetsu, I have a new mission for you. You must figure out the weakness of this Talk No Jutsu, and report back to me immediately."
"Predicting that you'd ask this of me, I already took the time to research this horrible technique."
"Is there a way to avoid it?" Tobi asked anxiously.
"Only one." Zetsu reassured him.
"The great Tobi-sama has come to you Nine Tails!" Tobi pointed at Naruto. "Prepare to be captured!"
"…?" Naruto was stunned. This was worse than Gai-sensei's youthful speeches.
"Why doesn't he tr-y
To capture m-eyyy?
Am I not a worth- y
Jinchuri- keyyyy?" Bee complained, his rapping skills as brilliant as ever.
"Hn." It wasn't like Itachi particularly wanted his betrayal to be noticed, but why wasn't Madara saying anything? Was he really that irrelevant to Madara's goals and such little a threat?
"Oh no! Has Itachi-kun fallen under the horrible jutsu? I'll have to rescue him!" Tobi raised his hand to his mask (and to his mouth which presumably lay under) in a illustration of exclamation.
At least he noticed.
Sort of.
"Alright nine tails, time to come with me!"
Bee groaned. He was forgotten about again? Not like he wasn't used to it. That was life when you lived in the Narutoverse and weren't related to the Sage of Six Paths.
"You'll have to fight me first!" Naruto yelled at the masked Akatsuki.
"I can't hear you." Tobi said.
"You'll never manage to catch me! I will become Hokage and save the world from evil!"
"I said, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Tobi exaggeratedly cupped his ears and leaned towards Naruto.
"What is this way to avoid the Nine Tail's Talk No Jutsu?"
"Earplugs."