Author's Note: Crackfic, LxLight
Alright, you want to know where this piece of random crack came from? I was looking through some old exercises I did for my creative writing class in grade twelve and came across one where we had to basically take a classic fairytale and alter it in some way (mix several together, put one in modern times, etc…). After re-reading the beginning of mine, I actually thought that it would be a lot of fun to throw the Death Note characters in here since it seemed to suit them in a freaky sort of way. It's just for kicks, so there'll be times when I don't take the time to make the chapters perfect and lovely, but my overall view is that just because it's a crackfic, doesn't mean there's no reason for it to be well written and have themes and… such.
The characters will obviously be a little OOC simply because it's such a different environment compared with the original story, but I will attempt to keep them as close as possible. Btw, don't let the quirky beginning scare you off. It will all make perfect nonsense within the next scene.
… You know, I really don't know where the hell these ideas come from. It will be best for all of us if you do not question the random modern stuff I include in here.
Oh, and I do not own Death Note or any of the characters or soundtracks or anything. xP
Rapunzel? Hah, I Don't Think So!
Once upon a time, in a land far removed from here, there stood a great tower in the midst of a vast and cursed forest. It rested in the middle of a quiet meadow, as tall as any tree, and with no notable features except a singular arched window near the top. Its thickly thatched roof rose up in a shallow cone shape over the perfectly circular tower walls, the grey stone bricks tinged green and brown with age. Through the window a beautiful young woman could be seen, sitting on a plain wooden stool, meticulously braiding her long golden hair. She was slender and petite, barely reaching five-foot-three. Her features were small and refined with large chestnut eyes beneath copper brown bangs and slender eyebrows. Her dress was white satin and form fitting with a thin gold belt around the waist and long shear sleeves.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy hair!" She finished off the last of the braid and leaned forward to peer dubiously outside. Sure enough, there stood yet another blond princeling, staring up at her like an expectant weasel. She could not see his features from her three-story vantage point, but she could almost imagine his idiotic smile as he said, "so that I might climb the golden stair!" She rolled her eyes, gathered up an armful of tightly braided hair and tossed it out the window, smiling as she heard a thump and a muffled squawk from below.
"You hapless, inbred idiot…" 'Rapunzel' murmured under her breath. She wrapped a portion of the braid around one slender hand and braced herself; she'd had the unfortunate experience in the past to learn that her neck would not support the weight of a full grown man and had no intention of repeating the mistake. Despite her precautions, she skidded and very nearly went out the window as her hair hauled her delicate frame forward.
"Fantastic," she snapped, grunting with the effort to avoid an ungraceful plummet out the window, "he's fat." She braced her foot at the side of the opening and leaned back, using what little weight she had to her advantage.
Her arms trembled with strain as the seconds ticked by; her back ached from the continuous pull. She was certain that her arms would surely be pulled out of their sockets before her would-be-rescuer got to the top. Just as she was convinced that she would have to drop him, the prince's fingertips appeared at the window ledge. He levered himself up and tumbled through the window to lie panting and wheezing on the floor like a red-faced fish. Rapunzel quickly dropped the braid she had been holding, straightening the wrinkles in her white dress and fanning her exertion-reddened face while the armor clad young man recovered on the floor.
He finally struggled to a standing position. 'Rapunzel' quickly painted her most gracious smile to bestow on him, though what she really wanted was to run screaming from the room. The smile wilted somewhat as the red-faced suitor grabbed her hand, got down on his knees and began a ridiculously long speech about all her virtues and how he would rescue her from the evil witch of… whatever this forest was called.
The princess kept her sickly sweet smile plastered to her face with a great effort, but nearly gagged when he started proclaiming his undying love like a good Prince should.
"Oh dear!" She exclaimed suddenly in a very flowery, princess-ish tone and started to shoo the boy toward the window. "I do believe I hear the witches return! You must flee!" He straightened.
"Hah!" It was an obvious attempt at heroic bravo. "I fear not thou vile witch!" 'Rapunzel' felt her face freeze somewhere between exasperation, disgust and the fake smile she had worn so valiantly until that point. Apparently he did not know his 'thou's, thee's and thy's' yet either.
"Sir Knight," the Prince went suddenly silent at her quietly serious tone, "You must leave, now." Her tone dripped with honey.
"I, uh – yes, of course." He stammered, backing toward the window. "But I shall return!" He exclaimed. His coveted prize simply smiled in response as he climbed out the window, apparently forgetting that the 'rope' he had used before was no longer there. A startled shriek and a metallic crash heralded his swift descent to the ground below. The Princess leaned forward slightly to see the fish-faced prince picking himself up slowly at the base of the tower before retreating into the forest. Hopefully that would be the last of him.
"Light-chan!" Light (professionally known as 'Rapunzel') whipped his head in the direction of the livid voice, but remained unwilling to reveal his discomfort. "What have I told you about using that tone?!" Light slowly turned his attention back to the scenery outside. It was always the same. Ever since his sixteenth birthday when that sadistic Mirror of Destiny proclaimed his fate was to become a Princess. He sighed. What the hell did magic mirrors know anyway? He was a man for goodness sake. Apparently that didn't matter to that twisted little, narcissim inducing contraption. He was actually amazed at how many of the Princes that showed up didn't realize he was male. Or maybe they did. But that was a whole other level of creepy that he didn't want to touch at the moment.
"Mother," Light interrupted her gently, knowing that she would rant for hours if not stopped. "We already know that I am not cut out for this. I doubt more lecturing is going to fix it." Silence. Light slowly turned his head to look at the absolutely horrified look on his mother's face from his position at the window. She sniffed. Oh hell.
"Why, Light?" She asked. Light tried to ignore the sudden guilty feeling in his gut. "Why can't you at least try? The mirror is never wrong, you know." Light sighed. He desperately wanted to say, 'There is a first time for everything, you know,' but that would just make things worse.
"I'm sorry," he replied instead, refraining from pointing out that he was more suited to becoming a sage or even a bard instead of a Tower Princess. It would just upset her more.
"Well," she gave one last sniff for good measure, "I did not much care for that young man anyway." This was her attempt to 'console' him for his shortcomings. "He did not cut a very dashing figure, as you well know." Light nodded absently in agreement as a cool breeze ruffled his bangs. "I'll ask Takada to put his eyes out, or curse him or something…"
"Mother," Light began with carefully controlled patience, "you know there is no need for that. Just get her to throw a few explosions around and he'll run off." Lady Angeline looked disappointed. Why hire a witch if she wasn't going to melt people's faces? His mother sighed and drifted from the room, indicating that he should follow. Light gathered up the armful of braided hair and trailed absently behind her. He did not trouble to ask where they were going.
The spiral staircase was silent as mother and son made their way to the bottom, the only sound the hollow clicking of shoes. Light reflected absently that two years ago he would have found the idea of mastering the art of walking in six-inch-heals completely mortifying, but wearing feminine clothing had become rather routine by that point. They soon stood before the door to the actual living area and went in.
The room was small, but elegantly furnished to his mother's tastes, which meant a lot of over-spending. The only thing he paid much attention to was the shiny antique mirror hanging on the wall opposite the doorway. It showed the profile of a pale man in his late twenties with longish black hair and dark, almost red, eyes from the shoulders up. His expression was somber as the two of them entered, though Light could not help but feel a chill as the apparition stared at him.
"Mikami-san," Light greeted stiffly. Sometimes he thought the creepy Mirror had proclaimed him a Tower Princess just so the pervert could see him in women's clothing. He did not like feeling as though he was being eye-raped every time he was in the same room with the fortune reader. A knowing smile crossed the creep's face as he sat serenely within his gold frame.
"Good morning, Light-san." Mikami greeted amiably. Lady Angeline cleared her throat delicately. The mirror turned his attention grudgingly toward Light's mother. "Yes?"
"I know it to be impossible," she began, "but my son insists that you must have made a mistake." Mikami drew himself up, looking highly offended.
"I have been in this world for nearly three-thousand-years, Angeline-sama." He stated huffily. "And not once in those three millennia have I misread a person's destiny." He was far too dignified to cross his arms in a sulk, but it was pretty damn close as far as Light was concerned. Light ignored the 'I-told-you-so' look his mother gave him and sighed in resignation. There really was nothing he could do about it… but it was just so damn boring all the time. Anything had to be better than being stuck in a tower for years and years waiting for some blond bimbo guy to show up that his parents approved of.
"I thought so," his mother concluded smugly. Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The magic mirror looked mortally offended that Light doubted his brilliance.
"I am perfectly serious, Light-san." Mikami informed him. "It says clearly that Light-san is to be a Princess and is destined to be with a knight of questionable origins… or… something like that." Angeline clapped her hands gleefully.
"See?" She smiled triumphantly at him. "That explains it!" Light looked at her blandly.
"Yes, it makes perfect sense, Mother." He commented diligently, wondering if she would pick up on the sarcasm. Her elation turned into a sudden glare.
"It cannot be helped, Angeline," Mikami had his own impute. "Princesses are not well known for perception." Light sighed again; any other day he would have been annoyed by the obvious jab at his intelligence, but he just didn't have the motivation at that point.
"It means," his mother began after giving Mikami a scowl for addressing her so informally. "That all of the suitors that have shown up thus far have been Princes, Light-chan."
"Ah." Light shrugged indifferently. So the wrong people have been showing up, that didn't change his predicament. He considered his options for several seconds before deciding on the more prudent of the two. "I'll be in my room." He said and went back out the door they had entered.
Light slowly made his way back up the dark staircase to his room, hoping beyond hope that no more weirdos would be shouting at his window that day. His back still hurt from playing tug-a-war with his own hair earlier in the day and he would be sorely tempted to push someone out the window. Light pushed open the cedar wood door to his tower bedroom and closed it behind him. He scanned the depressingly dull surroundings and slunk to his bed. He didn't even have a book to pass the time anymore. That witch had somehow confiscated the one he had managed to sneak from the library. He had even gone to the trouble of using a hidden compartment in his nightstand… Light threw himself down on the mattress, resting his hands beneath his head as he stared aimlessly at the ceiling.
It was always the same. Wake up, eat, lurk, be bored, lurk some more, eat, go to bed. He ignored the lengthening shadows as the day slowly descended toward dusk. The light faded to a golden red, bathing the room in cinnamon and copper. Light saw a flicker of shadow out of the corner of his eye accompanied by a musky perfume that he could never mistake.
"Hey Takada," He greeted numbly, not bothering to turn to look at her. The hired witch morphed out of a dark corner of his room and smiled lightly at him. Light continued to stare expressionlessly at the ceiling.
"Rough day?" She asked sympathetically.
"No." He said. There was never anything interesting, not even mildly stressful. He sighed. "Look, I know you're supposed to keep an eye on me, but could we please not have this conversation?" He asked the question out of courtesy; he had no intention of making small talk anyway. Light caught the faintest glimmer of concern in her eyes before she simply nodded and faded from view.
Light sighed again and regarded the sunset brightened window through lowered lashes. There had to be something more to life than what he was living. If only he had been born somewhere else, or if he could just run away or… or… Light felt his thoughts tumble to a complete stop. His gaze flickered to the window again. Was there really anything stopping him? . . . He wasn't really a prisoner; with enough motivation, he could leave anytime he wanted, right? Of course, the only reason he wasn't a literal prisoner was because his parents found the thought of him leaving to be completely preposterous. And it was. It was insane, callous and utterly reckless… He slowly pushed himself to a sitting position and eyed the now twilight shrouded exit. Now that he thought about it, stupid and rash were the most appealing options available to him. The Princess shivered as a cool breeze whipped through the window. No. It was foolhardy to rush blindly ahead with something before thinking it through… There were preparations to be made… and… He gave up with reason when he discovered his body moving of its own accord to pack anything he might need.
A change of clothes, bandages, blankets, rope… he really didn't know what he might need rope for, but there was probably some unknown use that he would find later. He did not trouble to wonder how all of this stuff had managed to migrate its way into his room over the years. He finished zipping up the bag he had been packing and regarded the long braid of hair for a few seconds before realizing that he would have to lose it to make his plan possible. Light grabbed a pair of scissors and headed for the mirror on his nightstand.
Minutes later and he was ready to leave. Light peered out the dark window, ignoring the way his shorter hair danced in the faint wind. He smirked, unable to believe he was actually doing this. Madness at its finest. He grabbed onto the severed braid, which had been tied around a leg of his desk, and hoisted himself out the window.
"So you've finally had enough?" It was not a question. Light froze his throat on a startled squawk and turned to stare at the black-haired woman that had once again invaded his room. Damn that Takata. Was she psychic or something? He was crouched mid-step on the windowsill, inches away from freedom, and then that witch had to show up. They stared at each other silently, Light annoyed and Takata taking in the fact that he was wearing pants and a shirt instead of the dresses he'd been forced into for the past two years. She shook her head with a sigh. "You sure you have everything?" She asked. Light blinked in surprise and nodded. Takata approached quickly and pressed something round and metallic into his palm.
"What…?" Light looked at it in confusion.
"It will help," She said simply and turned to leave, "just show it to any of my coworkers and you'll receive anything you need." Light stared after her even after she disappeared from the room. He shrugged and stashed it in his pocket anyway before grabbing onto his makeshift rope and climbing out the window.