A Love Story

by girlgonemadd

It took a broken water pipe, an Ancient device, pod people and an alien conspiracy to make this love story. CRACK and SLASH Fic

Title: A Love Story
Author: Girlgonemadd
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Sequel/Series: No
Feedback: Love it.
Beta: Thanks to Kimberly, Chanel, and Tania. All further mistakes are mine.

Summary: It took a broken water pipe, an Ancient device, pod people and an alien conspiracy to make this love story

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John woke to the sight of Radek and Rodney hugging. It kind of pissed him off, what with being wounded and all. At least, he assumed he was wounded; he was lying on a cold, hard floor with a jacket draped over him and his chest hurt like hell. But he was still a little fuzzy on what had actually happened, exactly.

He had been with a group of scientists, exploring the city on what was supposed to have been an easy assignment, checking out some labs that had recently been discovered.

It had been an easy enough task, babysitting the scientists as they had cataloged the rooms and equipment they came across. Occasionally, they had requested something to be moved or some device to be activated, but all in all it had been a perfect day for what John liked to call, 'Rodney Watching'.

While the scientists had been immersed in their geek speak, or in the midst of an argument, it had given John the perfect opportunity to discreetly admire Rodney's ass. Today had been a convenient day for it, too, given the 'unexpected' mishap Rodney's wardrobe had experienced just that morning. McKay had been forced to wear the only items of clothing to have survived the water leak in his quarters; a long sleeved gray shirt with a short-sleeved green tee over it and blue jeans. The jeans that just happened to be a perfect fit across those rounded globes.

John remembered Rodney and Radek having had an argument at one point, though what it had been about he couldn't recall as he'd been too busy leering and collecting visual memories for later use. Then Rodney had left the main group to follow some interesting readings and John had followed to keep him out of trouble. After that, John's memories were kind of blurry.

"Paws off!" he croaked, pushing the jacket away from his face. Because really, Rodney was his and Radek could just lay off with all the touching and get his own boyfriend to manhandle. John had been flirting with Rodney for years and he wasn't about to let anyone else get in the way just because he was out of action at the moment.

The pair jumped apart, shocked bewilderment on their faces, quickly followed by high pitched exclamations and calls on the radio for a medical team. Rodney dropped to his knees next to John, grinning madly.

Finally, he had Rodney's full attention.

"I thought you were dead!" Rodney exclaimed, his annoyed delight quickly fading as the wheels spun in his head. "You should be dead. You took a direct hit from that Ancient device. You stopped breathing! How many times do I have to tell you not to touch anything without my permission?"

John shrugged, not really caring. "So I started breathing again." He didn't see the swat to the head coming and winced.

"You idiot, don't you get it? I had to give you CPR and you still didn't – you weren't–"

John's first reaction was disappointment that he didn't remember feeling Rodney's lips on his own, but seeing how terribly upset Rodney was, John wanted to do all he could to comfort him. Reaching out, he gripped Rodney's arm, smiling up into those blue, blue eyes.

"I'm fine." Hoping to distract him, John used that slow drawl and low tone while motioning down to his body. "Aren't I?"

A thrill of delight raced through him when Rodney's eyes followed, looking him over. Quick, strong hands removed the jacket covering John and intense blue eyes inspected his lean form for injuries while John hid his grin.

Unfortunately, Carson and his team chose that moment to show up and shoo Rodney away, much to John's dismay and despite his very vocal protests. The medical team had him on a gurney all too soon, in spite of John's insistence that he was fine, and he was rushed off to the infirmary.

John caught a glimpse of Rodney as he was rolled away and his gut clenched at the misery he saw on his friend's face. He wished more than anything that he could kiss that misery away.

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It was a dark and deserted night, the shadows in the city indicating the late hour. He waited patiently, years of military training having taught him to blend into the shadows and remain completely still for hours, if necessary. Each obstacle was overcome with a measure of cunning and daring as he moved ever closer to his target. Strategy was enabled to avoid sentries and civilians alike until he reached his destination. Now he carefully stalked his prey until they were close, so close he could barely contain himself. Once alone, he waited for the perfect opportunity and pounced.

"Will you stop it? Get off!" Rodney bellowed, pushing John away. "How the hell did you escape from the infirmary this time? Didn't Carson restrain you after your last break out?!"

"But Rodney–" John whined. Why was Rodney pushing him away when they were so perfect for each other?

"We've been over this! How many times do I need to explain it before it gets through all of that hair?" This time when Rodney shoved, he broke away from John's grasp and quickly placed the lab table between them. "According to that voodoo witchdoctor, Carson, the Ancient device affected the part of your brain that deals with inhibitions, or lack thereof. And because I was in the room with you at the time, it made you focus all that… attention…on me! Carson said the effects will wear off in a few days and you'll be back to normal. Now go! Go before you do something you'll want to hang yourself for when you come back to your senses!"

John stood his ground, glaring at his boyfriend from across the table. "I'm still perfectly lucid, Rodney. I understand what Carson told me." Repeatedly. For some strange reason, everyone felt the need to tell him the same thing over and over again. It was extremely annoying to say the least. "The Ancient device took away my inhibitions, yes, but it didn't make me focus on you because you were the only person in the room with me."

"What are you talking about? Of course it did. How else do you explain your sudden suicidal streak regarding your career?"

Oh, wasn't that sweet? Rodney was worried John would get into trouble. So, he wasn't rejecting John per se, rather Rodney was trying to keep him from losing his job. Before John could voice this revelation, or finish climbing over the lab table, Carson appeared with Ronon in tow and neither looked happy.

As he allowed Ronon to lead him away, John cast a glance back to catch the wistful look on Rodney's face and knew he had to do something to fix this situation and get them together. Rodney needed to know the truth and John needed to get his hands on that glorious ass.

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"This is simply unacceptable!" Rodney was livid. Why did he trust such imbeciles? "Carson was supposed to keep you knocked out until your brainwaves returned to normal and Ronon was supposed to make certain you kept your hands to yourself!" He whirled away from the door in his quarters, which stubbornly refused to let him out no matter what he did, in order to face the man responsible. John, however, refused to look guilty. "You did this, didn't you? Of course, what am I saying? Atlantis is an attention whore and given that you have the strongest gene – "

The words faded away as John concentrated. He was on an important mission and like any mission this one was planned with precision and timing. The last several days in the infirmary had given him time to work everything out.

John was rather proud of himself for both his devious creativity, and for paying enough attention to his boyfriend to learn how to hack into the IOA's computer system. It had only taken a few well-placed documents to have the IOA demanding that the military presence on Atlantis conform to international military law instead of the more archaic US rules. DADT was now effectively eliminated on Atlantis.

Any fear of retaliation from those less tolerant had long ago been eliminated since John had enacted a policy to actively weed out any bigots once contact with Earth had been re-established. That policy had been implemented after a particularly nasty situation between two gay scientists and an American soldier. It was rather amazing how effective Setedan persuasion could be and now life was – well – GREAT! Not to mention well earned, especially after John had gone through so much trouble in order to get some much needed alone time with Rodney.

And now that John had Rodney to himself, he was proceeding with an investigation on a topic that required some reconnaissance. There was nothing like first-hand intelligence before heading into unknown territory. Protective goggles in place in case of collateral damage, John took his time and waited. Sure enough, the rant ended and Rodney, predictably, went for his cup of coffee. That's when John reached out to collect some hands-on data.

"AHHH!"

John liked the fact that Rodney screamed like a girl, it was a perverse kink of his and at the same time he really enjoyed fondling Rodney's 'package'. Though it wasn't ready for action, it was a good size and had a nice feel.

"– mentally deranged pervert! Let go of me!"

John had enough of the protests and stood, quickly divesting the scientist of his coffee cup and himself of his goggles, before backing said scientist up against the wall. "Let me make this perfectly clear, Rodney. You're mine and I don't share." There, that was certainly a declaration of love if John had ever heard one.

"You had your brains scrambled by some Ancient – "

"No." John pressed closer, enjoying the feeling of those eyes locking on his and the quick pants of breath that brushed across his face as Rodney tried not to panic. "You're not listening to me. It only lowered my inhibitions, but you were always the subject of my interest."

"That's the impaired brain cells – "

"Who do you think caused that water leak in your room?" John interrupted him, finding Rodney's five o'clock shadow of great interest. "It wasn't meant as a joke, it was meant to get you into those jeans that you rarely wear. Why, you might ask? Well, you see buddy, I happen to have made a hobby out of watching your ass and I know that those particular jeans really accentuate that part of your body." He raised an eyebrow at the subject of his study. "And all of that happened ibefore/i I ran into that Ancient device. Now, do a guy a favor and let him finish his seducing." When Rodney opened his mouth to protest, John took full advantage and plundered the sweetness within.

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Rodney couldn't sleep. Not that the sex hadn't been mind-blowing, because it had, and under different circumstances he would have been praying for more of the same. But under these circumstances, he'd just had sex with Sheppard while the man was impaired and when Sheppard was unimpaired once more, that would be the end of not just the wonderful sex but their friendship as well.

Disgusted with himself, Rodney slid carefully from the bed. He pulled his boxers on, grabbed his radio, and headed for the bathroom. Checking to see that Sheppard was still asleep, he closed the bathroom door and looked in the mirror. What kind of person took advantage of his friend when he was vulnerable? Never mind that Sheppard was sex on legs and hadn't been about to accept a no last night; it had been Rodney's job to protect Sheppard from himself. And he'd failed miserably.

With a sigh, Rodney activated his radio. "McKay to Beckett." He repeated the call two more times before a grumpy, ruffled voice replied.

"Do ye have any bloody idea what time it is, Rodney?"

"Col. Sheppard escaped from the infirmary again."

"What are ye carrying on about? I released him last night." Carson yawned loudly over the radio.

A shock bolted through Rodney. "What?"

"His tests came back fine so I released him last night."

"Well, your tests were wrong!" Rodney shot back.

"Rodney, I double checked the results myself. His last two brain scans and his last two rounds of blood work came back normal. The effects of the Ancient device have worn off."

Opening the door a fraction, Rodney peered into his room. Sheppard was still fast asleep in his bed. Rodney's mind was racing. Normal? Had what Sheppard told him about his previous fascination been true?

"Rodney!" Carson yelled a second time.

"Uh – Carson?"

"Was that all? Some of us require a full night of sleep to function during the day."

"Um, yes, that's it. Thanks." Rodney clicked off the radio and stared at the sleeping man. If Sheppard wasn't under the influence of the Ancient device, as the evidence seemed to suggest, then just what was he up to with this little stunt? Rodney's thoughts raced in circles for quite awhile before he conceded that he wasn't going to find an answer standing in his bathroom in the dark. Tired, confused, and perhaps a little heavy hearted, Rodney crawled back into the warm bed.

Sheppard would just have to get up early on his own to make his escape if he didn't want to be there in the morning.

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Far from leaving, Rodney learned that Sheppard was one of those happy morning people as the insane military commander of Atlantis decided tickling was a good way to start the day. With a lot of bellowing and shoving, Rodney finally got the love-sick colonel dressed and was just about to shove him out into the hall when he remembered to use the life signs detector – he wasn't trying to torpedo Sheppard's career, after all.

Arms wrapped around him as Sheppard looked over his shoulder to see what Rodney was doing. Rodney looked away for a moment, flushing as memories of last night came flooding back.

"A life signs detector?" Sheppard's soft voice brushed in a warm gust across his ear. "You're the best!"

Rodney was left standing there, the remains of a warm kiss on his cheek still making his skin tingle long after Sheppard had left his room.

"Rodney!" Radek's voice crackled over the radio. "We have problem with power relay by-pass systems."

So Rodney went to work and for a few blissful hours, he was able to forget the entire thing.

He should have guessed something was horribly, horribly wrong when he received the first email just before lunch.

From: EWeir-at-atlantis.peg
To: AllAtlantisStaff-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: New Military Regulations
Attach: IntMilRegs.Doc

The IOA has immediately put into effect military regulations that reflect the more international based group represented on Atlantis. Please consult the attachment for specific details and contact your Department Head if any questions arise.

EW

Rodney gave it the attention he felt it was worthy of and promptly deleted the entire thing. He had more important things to worry about than military regulations or people too stupid to understand what they meant.

Moments later, three more emails appeared. Each one was more disturbing and confusing than the last.

From: TEmmagon -at-atlantis.peg
To: RMcKay-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: re: New Military Regulations

You have my sincerest congratulations on your achievement. I wish you luck and will support you in your endeavors.

Teyla

Figuring that Teyla had sent the email to the wrong person, Rodney quickly deleted it as well. The next one was just as strange.

From: RDex-at-atlantis.peg
To: RMcKay-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: re: New Military Regulations

Finally.

RD

Rodney didn't know what he found more disturbing, that Ronon had figured out how to access his email or that his written communication was identical to his verbal communication. Figuring that there was a glitch in the computer system that was causing emails to be sent to the wrong place, he deleted that email as well and made a mental note to have Radek check into the problem.

Then he opened the next email.

From: RZelenka-at-atlantis.peg
To: RMcKay-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: re: New Military Regulations

Devious bastard! I did not know you had it in you. But truly, congratulations. Perhaps now you will not be so grumpy.

RZ

It was nice to know that Radek didn't believe he was the only grumpy person on Atlantis and he quickly shot off a response while wondering who this person was that everyone was congratulating.

From: RMcKay-at-atlantis.peg
To: RZelenka-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: Email Delivery Error

Zelenka, there's a problem with the email system. Fix it now. I already get enough idiotic email regarding stupid issues without having to deal with someone else's even more unimpressive correspondence.

RM

It was later, during lunch in the mess hall that another email pinged into his mail box that, in hind site, should have also clued him in.

From: JSheppard-at-atlantis.peg
To: RMcKay-at-atlantis.peg
Subject: Date tonight

Meet me in my quarters at 2200 hours for a movie.

JS

Before Rodney could form a thought in reply, a hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up to see Sheppard standing behind him, smiling that stupid, dopey smile he wore when he talked about planes, Ferris Wheels, or anything that went faster than 200 miles an hour. It was a smile Rodney could never recall being directed his way so it was perfectly understandable that his brain melted out of his ears.

Maybe that device had affected him as well. Maybe he needed to see Carson for a full examination immediately. Maybe he needed to see Heightmeyer too.

"Say yes?" Sheppard asked, pulling out all the stops with the stupid, rakish hair, the puppy dog eyes and the slight pout mixed with a hopeful smile. Long, lean fingers curled around the nape of Rodney's neck, teasing hair and skin. How was anyone with a pulse supposed to stand up in the face of all that, much less retain anything resembling coherency?

Somewhere in the background, Rodney heard Radek's voice, urging him on. "Yes, McKay, say yes!"

"Yes."

Sheppard bent down and gave Rodney a kiss in the middle of the mess hall for all to see and Rodney was certain the pounding of his heart indicated an imminent heart-attack. Sheppard was clearly still mad; did the man not understand the phrase 'dishonorable discharge'?

Before he could note more than soft lips brushing across his, Sheppard stood up with a huge, dopey smile on his face. "See you tonight." Whistling some nameless tune, Sheppard strolled out of the mess without a care in the world.

Moments later, Radek appeared at Rodney's side, grinning as well. Clearly, everyone had lost their minds, or the more likely scenario, given that they were residing in the Pegasus Galaxy, was that Rodney was surrounded by pod people.

"You did not read email, did you, Rodney?"

"Huh?"

"Email on changes in military rule?"

"What?"

Radek sighed, rolled his eyes and pulled the scientist to his feet. "Come with me, I will explain."

"Explain?" Oh dear God, Rodney thought as Radek lead him out of the mess hall, there weren't pod people trying to take over Atlantis, it was a conspiracy by hostile aliens who had brainwashed key personnel in order to sabotage the city's most powerful weapon.

His brain.

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The moment the door opened to Sheppard's quarters, Rodney pushed his way in, determined to put all of Radek's nonsense behind him. It had become increasingly apparent that the Czech was in on the conspiracy to try and drive Rodney stark raving mad. Rodney was determined not to be done in by the lot of them as it seemed everyone in the city had been brainwashed, if the blushing, knowing smiles being directed his way were any indication.

Everyone, in their limited capacity for anything approaching rational thought, believed he was the one responsible for getting the IOA to put pressure on the US military to change its policy on same sex relationship in the guise of bringing the multi-national expedition under multi-national law.

The entire expedition seemed to be under the delusion that he not only had the hots for one Colonel John Sheppard, USAF pilot, but that he could no longer stand being separated from his one true love. So, in an attempt to rectify this horrible injustice, he had somehow, someway hacked into several top security systems to get archaic and homophobic laws changed.

Honestly, where did these dimwits get these outlandish theories? It reeked of alien interference if you asked Rodney.

While it had been easy enough to dissuade Radek that he had not, in fact, hacked the highest top secret computer systems on Earth (not that he couldn't), it had been impossible to convince the Czech he wasn't madly in love with Sheppard.

Rodney had come to Sheppard's quarters to tell him there had been an urgent break through on one of the science projects. Then he would disappear and start looking for evidence of secret, alien plots and failing that, pods.

There were only four problems with that plan of attack.

One, Rodney instantly caught the scent of freshly made, real coffee. It had been awhile since the last supply run from Earth and levels of coffee were dropping dramatically in the city. Months before, Rodney had forwarded a detailed data chart to Elizabeth that correlated the availability of coffee and work production in a bid to double their supply. Taking another sniff, Rodney realized the coffee in Sheppard's quarters wasn't just any coffee; the delicious aroma was of his favorite blend.

"Hi, Rodney." Sheppard held a cup out for him, his voice low and drawled in a way that made Rodney's gut twist in a not-necessarily unpleasant manner.

The second problem was Sheppard, who had changed from his normal uniform to a pair of tight fitting, black (of course) jeans and a soft, button down black shirt that was rolled up at the cuffs. Added to the look was his signature, messy hair style and the entire effect had Sheppard looking like a model who had just walked off the cover of GQ.

The third problem with telling Sheppard he couldn't stay was that Sheppard had already set up the laptop and the screen clearly indicated that movie night would feature the new Torchwood movie. How Sheppard had gotten his hands on it, Rodney had no idea as it wasn't due out for another four months.

The last problem, however, sent Rodney's heart racing. Instead of the tiny bed that Sheppard had appropriated with this room, a huge king size bed was now in it's place, decked out in what Rodney knew had to be expensively high thread linen count sheets.

"Uh…." How appalling was it that he was loosing I.Q. points and he couldn't bring himself to be bothered by the success of the insidious, alien plot?

"Come on, buddy." Sheppard pulled him forward and Rodney soon found himself awkwardly sprawled across the huge bed. Sheppard nattered on about the movie and characters as he started the DVD but all Rodney noticed was just how close Sheppard was lying next to him. Their shoulders were pressed together and even through their clothes, Rodney could feel the warmth of Sheppard's body seeping through.

He flushed as memories of last night assaulted him, the feel of skin on skin and all that had happened to get them to that point. And then it hit him like an epiphany and he looked up to find John looking right back at him.

John had done all of this.

He had somehow brought down the full bureaucratic paranoia of the IOA onto the US military. Just for him. So that John Sheppard, the man who never discussed his emotions but who had kissed him in front of a crowded mess hall, didn't have to hide how he felt for Rodney.

"Can I kiss you?" Rodney whispered, deciding if he couldn't beat the conspiracy, he'd take it over from the inside.

He was a genius, after all.

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Much, much later, John looked down at the man dozing lightly in his arms. Tenderly he kissed the warm skin within reach and, taking his heart in his hands, whispered the words that were demanding to be breathed into existence.

"Move in with me."

The last thing he expected was the sudden jolt that sent him flying onto the floor in a tangle of limbs. As he peered over the bed (for safety reasons, there were unprotected sensitive bits exposed, after all), he saw Rodney angrily yanking clothes on.

"Rodney?"

The agitated scientist glared at him as he stumbled into his shoes. "I knew it! I knew it! I'm surrounded by pod people!"

John smiled tenderly and reached for his own clothes. The mating rituals of the McKay were truly bizarre but if Rodney needed proof this wasn't a result of pod people before accepting the inevitable, John was willing to play along.

Besides, everyone knew that pods were always in the most remote, darkest parts of a city. John grabbed supplies out of his night stand and slipped them into his pocket. If he had to convince Rodney there were no pods by exploring (having kinky, hot sex) all over the city, he was more than happy to oblige.

"What are you doing?" Rodney growled, pulling on his uniform jacket.

"You can't go running around the city by yourself, Rodney. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let you get hurt?"

When Rodney poked a finger at him, John ducked just enough to slip the digit into his mouth and suck. For a long moment, Rodney stared as his breathing sped up and his eyes dilated. Then he pulled away.

"Stop that!" But there were no more protests as they headed out.

Idly, John wondered what the expedition would have to go through when he asked Rodney to marry him.

--end

A/N: This is a crack!fic, no matter how hard Rodney tried to prove otherwise. He was resolute in not playing along with the insanity I was trying to drop them all into for this story so it became much more serious during Rodney's POV. But I threw John at him and made his brain melt! Hehehe! Also, I have no idea if a Torchwood movie is in the makes or not, I made that up in furthering the nefarious plot to make Rodney play along and besides, they have some cute guys who like to kiss each other in that show.

This story is completely the fault of Amy, also known as Rainyd, who's pictures I stumbled across on deviantART and made me go INSANE. She kindly gave me permission to link to her wonderful artwork. You can find her pictures here at and search for rainyd, you'll find the pics in her gallery.